Usually I talk a lot, but I just wanted to say GOOD JOB.

You really are amazing, and He'll understand that in time. After that, it will be really good.

SS

Oh, WOW! How amazed I am? I hoped for the best for you...you inspire me to be firm on my boundaries also. I thought about you today on the ride, along with a few others.

Thank you and I'm wishing you the best...I look forward to hearing from you in the weeks ahead. I could cry with joy from hearing that he will be following the rules and that he granted you access with you having to ask. Simply amazing!

:::CHEERS, for you being YOU!:::

Told the boys last night.

Older son is mad. He has said all along that he will support any decision I make...but that was whn reconciliation didn't look like an option. We talked a bit and he said that it is a shock, he needs time, but he also thinks I am wrong.

He says he will never talk to WH again.

Youngest son is scared and cried a lot. He was a little more open. Whenever he talks about what happened , he always says that WH cheated on US. He is afraid to let himself love him again. So, I talked to him a bit about what I had learned about acting from fear.

Did a lot of listening and repeating with them both.

I have set up a counseling appointment for me and the boys. It helped us through the last time, and I'm sure we'll get through this again.

This time WH is asking about their feelings and saying that we need to allow them time to adjust. Last time he was over right away and in their faces. He knows that they are a big part of this situation. We will be relying on the couselor to help us through.

BTW, this counselor is also my IC so she is aware of the whole situation...PLUS, she is familiar with MB.

Lots of hard work ahead.

18 year old son even more mad today.

He wants to know exactly when WH is moving back in because that is when he is moving out. His anger and his pain is palpable.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. Counseling appt. won't be for another 2 weeks (she's away) and now he is saying that he won't go anyway.

This is really upsetting to the 12 year old. WH is the only father he has ever known and this is what he has been hoping for. He is afraid of losing his brother.

I am trying to let things cool down, but I feel backed into a corner.

I typed up a letter to all of the kids except the youngest one and emailed it. Keep in mind that the 3 oldest are adults who are out on their own (24, 26, and 29).

"Dear children,

I figured I would write this all in one letter since my recent decision affects everyone. After struggling with what to do about me and WH for most of the summer, I decided to file for divorce. I packed up the rest of his stuff, I got my tattoo covered over and I sent him a letter telling him that I was filing.

Once he got the letter, he contacted me about trying to put our marriage back together. We went back and forth and eventually I agreed to try to do this because WH has agreed to counseling.

Despite everything, I still love him...that just doesn't go away. I don't know if it's even possible to get past something like that, but I know people do. Up until that, we had a great marriage. If we hadn't, I wouldn't even consider a reconciliation. I feel like I have to explore this...if it works, great, if not, I will know that I have done all I can and will be able to put it to rest.

I imagine that you will say that I am making a mistake. I can see why. It's not easy to see someone you love get hurt and I am sure you don't want me to get hurt again. But I will be going into this with my eyes wide open. I know that this affected not just me, but everyone, especially L and J. There will need to be a lot of work done to heal all the wounds, if that is even possible, but the bottom line is that this is my marriage at stake, and I am the only one that can make this decision. I am still going to counseling and plan on going with J and L as well, so we can all get through this. I talked to my mom about this and she said that I had to make the decision and she would support me either way it turned out. That is what I am hoping that you will do. Your feelings about WH are yours - I won't ever tell you how you should feel. If you ever decide to forgive him, that will be strictly up to you. But I don't want to always feel torn and pulled between my children and my husband, like I have to choose one or the other. If push comes to shove - I would choose you guys. But I am hoping that you won't ask me to do that, to turn my back on someone that I love and miss a possible opportunity to repair my marriage simply because you think it is the wrong decision. I will just ask for your support and ask that you be civil if and when you see him.

I KNOW this is difficult because WH didn't just hurt me, he hurt L and J too - all of us in fact. People make mistakes. WH made a huge one. I am willing to forgive him, it is up to each one of you if you will or not. WH will have to be the one to deal with each of you and ask for your forgiveness.

But, because something is difficult doesn't mean that it is impossible. That is why I think counseling for me and L and J together would be a good thing. Just to come up with a plan to see if there is a way to handle this that everyone could live with.

J, I know you are very angry at WH and now at me for making this decision. You have said all along that whatever decsion I make would be fine with you, that you didn't want your feelings to affect my decision.

Now you tell me you are moving out if WH moves back in. To me, this feels like you are asking me to make a choice between you and WH and I feel that is unfair. You are giving me an ultimatum. I should not have to decide the fate of my marriage or the rest of my life based on my 18 year old son's belief as to whether I am right or wrong. I am asking you to think about that decision, to explore in counseling if there isn't some other way of dealing with this. It's true that you are 18, and if moving out is what you feel you have to do, then I can't stop you. Financially, I don't see how this is possible for you. You have a full scholarship to college here. You can't be willing to give that up.

The last time I checked, you and me and L were a family, and families get through rough times together. They support each other. They find solutions to their problems. I am willing to respect your feelings and your choices regarding WH.

I would not presume to choose a partner for any of you or to threaten any of you for choosing someone I didn't care for.

I won't trade my relationship with any of you for WH. If you all tell me that you will no longer be a part of my life or you won't ever come over for dinner because he is back at the house, then you will leave me no choice but to choose you. I will give up on trying to restore my marriage. I would wonder how any of you could ask that of me, but I will do it. I would hope that if I had a chance to be happy again, you would want that for me.

This is all sudden and emotions are running high. I know I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 2 weeks trying to sort this all out.

I am open to suggestions, comments, and questions. I love you all very much and I really need your support in this.

Love, Mom"


The fact that WH is not their father complicates things greatly. The fact that he had absolutely no contact with the youngest 2 boys during his affair is another sensitive issue.

Anybody have any experience with dealing with anything similar?

bumping for me

23 year old daughter also very angry. Says she can't support me in this as she thinks it is the wrong decision. she is worried about the 2 youngest boys.

Am I being selfish here?

Lizzie, ya know I love ya, girl, but I have to agree with your DD and this is why I didn't comment. I feel like your sons have been treated very badly by your WS and it is being demanded of them to allow the enemy back into their safe camp again. Your H's affair was an assault on them too. Not only this, but your sons have had to witness him abusing their mother for quite some time. Quite a galling experience for protective males who love their mother and don't want to see her harmed.

So, now they are expected to just forget what has happened while their mother makes herself available for MORE abuse.......IN THEIR HOME. They are expected to welcome the abuser back into their safe home because you have decided to forgive him, despite what they think.

I think that you, as an adult, have the capability and skills to deal with this situation, whereas, they are just children and do not have the same ability to overcome the damage that has been done.

I understand completely that you want to be happy, but can you please try and understand that this does not make them happy and accommodate them?


But aren't you being just as unfair? Telling him he MUST accept this OR ELSE? He is simply telling you he cannot deal with this. And Lizzie, I do understand his feelings. He feels like his best interest is being relegated to your desires. Are there some grandparents or other relatives he could go live with?

I'm a little confused here, Mel.

I spent all this time doing Plan a, Plan B and hoping to recover my marriage.

Now it looks like I can start.

WH has agreed to all conditions.

Are you saying that I shouldn't?

I thought that the marriage comes first and everything else falls into place after that.

I thought with counseling, eventually things might heal for all of us.

The last time we tried this, WH wasn't sincere and he kept his apartment. An easy way for the A to start up again. I don't think it is wise to do that this time. Space creates space.

No relatives close. Any suggestions or feedback appreciated.

Lizzie, it looks you have a problem with the boys that needs to be addressed. Their happiness probably needs to be considered in all this too. Has your husband taken steps to make amends to them too? They are also his victims and need help dealing with this. Maybe if they have some say in this process and their feelings are considered, they might feel differently?

Could they move in their grandparents? What about their dad? Could the 18 yr old move into the dorm?

There's a difference between someone who comes back repentant trying to consider everyone's feelings, and someone who makes demands and tells everyone how it will be.

From this end it feels like he is trying to make it work. You do need to take the boys feelings into account, but they shouldn't be in charge.

They have been hurt, and the things Mel says are true, but kids often don't make the best choices.

My sister and her family moved to Texas a few years ago in connection with her Husbands job. Her children wanted to run away - they didn't want to make the move. The oldest daughter tried to arrange to stay with friends here, but My sister and H were firm about the family staying together.

Now they are thinking of moving back here, and the kids are angry again. It seems funny to me that they want to stay in the very place they refused to move to the first time around.

I think your boys do need lots of help, and I think counseling is in order - but you can't make older son go to counseling if he refuses. His feelings should be taken into account, but I don't believe he ought to have the final say.

I think this is one way counseling can help WH too - he needs to know how to deal with those bad feelings the boys are expressing. If he treats them correctly, I believe his chances are good, but if he does and or says the wrong things, it can get worse in a hurry.

Many on MB have said recovery is more difficult than ending the A. These are the issues that make it so.

It doesn't mean you quit, it means you deal with the issues as they come up. I suspect they will be coming up often. (grin)

Mel may have a good idea in suggesting other places for one or both to live - but I see that as a temporary thing while the counseling takes place, and you learn how to make things work.

I believe if WH proves himself trustworthy over time, the boys will learn to trust him again, and enjoy probably his company too.

Hi Mel !!

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

SS

I think that affair recovery is damn hard even for adults who have many, many resources; I think it is even harder for kids who don't have the maturity, wisdom or judgment OR resources to deal with it. Especially when dealing with the betrayal of a step parent. I know as a child how very tough it can be to deal with affairs and step parents and all the subsequent trauma.

Howdy SS!