i posted on the "just found out" forum about how i have become a "member" of the betrayal club without my wanting to join. It was recommended that I start a thread here.
It seems i am not unique in my pain,anger resentment etc.
I just want to stop crying.
Summer_Daze

Tell us a bit about yourself, the relationship, etc. Sorry you are here!

Sorry you are here, SD, but you are in the right place to get plenty of help. Just know that many marriages are saved from affairs, so this may not be hopeless. But first things first. Please give us the details so we can help you. In the meantime, you may want to get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can order it with fast, cheap shipping from this website.

We have been married for 22 yrs and have a son who is 16.
our marriage has had ups and downs throughout the years but nothing to the extreme of him going outside the marriage that i knew of ..until now. He has been with OW (correct abbreviation?) since October of 2005 . I found out on this past Wednesday. I had my suspicions for quite some time, We had a major blowout on Memorial Day weekend. He told me of all my shortcomings regarding our marriage. I asked if there was someone else,he said no.We yelled ,we screamed ,we cried and then we vowed to make it work. I gave him the number of a marriaga counselor because i wanted him to take the first step and call. The call was never made. Our physical contact resumed after having none for quite some time. But after each time , i still felt sad because i knew something was just not right. Finally on this past wednesday, after being imtimate i asked if he had beencheating. He replied, you don't want to know the truth. WEll ,there was my answer. He repeated all of my shortcomings again. I know i share some blame in this mess, but i don't think i deserve the disrespect and the betrayal. Expressed remorse for causing me pain but still has not said he is sorry for cheating. He made the phonecall to the marriage counselor. We have an appt. this week. I have no idea what to expect.sorry this was so long.
Summer_Daze

who is the OW?

is she married?

do they work together?

Pep

ok, SD, you need to find out WHO the OW is and if she is married. Knowledge is power. He likely will not be able to cleanly end this affair, so you may have to expose it. You cant expose it unless you have all the pertinent facts. Have you tried snooping on him?

I know you are upset, but right now your emotions are your greatest enemy. We can help you save this, but you need to calm down and GET TO WORK. Marriage counseling will be of LITTLE VALUE AT ALL if the affair is still active. So don't count on MC to be the be all and end all. In fact, MANY marriage counselors are NOT PRO-MARRIAGE and actually cause more harm than good.

he said she is not married. they met in a recovery group for which he has been a member for 18 yrs. He won't give me details when i ask. i have snooped. checked his contact list on his phone. i keep track of everything on my computer because i have a teen. Short of following him or hiring someone i dont know what else to do. He is very active in our church so I did confide in a mutual friend of ours who attends the same church.if that is considered expososure.He says A is over.
SD

SD, you can't believe anything he tells you about her or the state of the affair. Have him followed if you must in order to find out who she is. This is absolutely ESSENTIAL. Just the fact that he wont tell you tells me he is
HIDING SOMETHING and not sincere.

You cannot take his word that this affair is done. Even if it IS, you must find out who it is in order to ENSURE that it stays ended.

and do what when i find out???

GREAT QUESTION !!!

what are your thoughts about trying to save this marriage ... are you willing to go for it or do you just not know right now?

because

if you want to try & put your marriage back together from all these broken pieces .. you need to have the knowledge of all the facts you are dealing with

if he "says" OW is single ... THAT is just not good enuff ... he's a liar until the facts prove otherwise (sad to say ... but this early in the game it's true)

Plan A means you avoid love busters at this time

have you read about lovebusters?

Pep

i have not read lovebusters. i gather i should read it before i make any further comments. Thank you

Summer - Please continue to post here - don't wait to read stuff.

Have a look at the basic concepts on this site - start with the infidelity FAQ's in my signature below.

Do order Surviving an affair, His Needs - Her Needs and Love Busters but by all means please keep posting.

Expose to your church's leadership, prayer chain, friends, relatives etc - anyone why can influence his actions - the accountibility group. Find out who this OW is.

I'm not sure i can persue finding out who the ow is. the pain and anger of finding out about the affair is more than i can handle right now. we went to a mc yesterday and will continue with her. The one part that i left out is that my H is a recovering alcoholic .Sober for 18 yrs now. Part of his reasoning ,excuses or lies for the affair is that i did not "grow" with him spiritually. personally i think thats bull* and just an excuse. but the mc told him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to work on our marriage then he is to follow what he would tell newcomer. change your people places and things habits etc. All of this is still overwhelming .thank you for resonding

Summer_Daze,

There's two things you are doing wrong right now, and they are important to saving your marriage:

1. Find out details about the affair. You say your not sure you can handle the pain and anger of finding out details?

Well, would you prefer to handle the pain and anger of losing your husband permanently, struggling through years of lies and mistrust, and having a divorce?

Pick your medicine, but most of us prefer to get burned a little and kill off the spouse's affair. It's much better than the alternative.

2. Quit putting effort into the wrong place. Marriage counseling will do zero you and your husband right now. It's like taking a drunken alcoholic to the doctor to see if he can cure his hangovers. It's just not going to address the real problem which is .... the affair!

If you want a real counselor who specializes in this type of situation, call the Harleys. Their info is on this website.

Above all else, get into plan A and prepare to expose his affair. Gather information and proof. Don't take his information as fact, he'll likely lie to you about the real details.