I just received an e-mail from WH a few minutes ago. He said he has paperwork to give me and he wants to make this as "easy and painless as possible." He's serving me with the D papers.

As you have been following my posts, I exposed WH's A to his parents to his boss last week.

I am freaking out!

I'm crying, I'm upset and scared!

don't sign anything without proper legal representation...

don't be home if you don't want to be served

call your Mom & tell her you're on your way for some Mother-therapy

It is also Ok to tell him that you are not ready to talk to him tonight. That you are feeling far to emotional over the break up of your family and the loss of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with, and you will not talk to him about it tonight.

His desire to make things as "painless as possible" is a load of garbage. When you two married, you became one flesh. Tearing apart your family is the same as tearing apart flesh, and you have every right to say no.

If he wants to send you papers, he can do so through legal channels, so you would have a chance to pull together a support team - someone to look after your legal issues, as well as a close friend or fmaily member to help with the emotional.

He may as well find out right now that D is NOT painless. He hopes to make it painless because it would soothe his guilt, but it is about time he found out that that D is not pain less. period.

Just because he sends you an email telling you he plans to stop by with papers, doesn't mean you have to allow him to do it. When he left, he gave up the right to make your decisions for you.

Since the discovery of the A, my Christian husband has completely abandoned God and our church. The enemy has taken over. Yes, the tearing apart of one flesh is excruciating painful. For some reason, he just isn't feeling the pain. Why do I have to feel the pain? It's too much to handle.

Back on June 13th, we went to our joint MC which was more like divorce counseling. He agreed to wait until late July to file, so this morning's e-mail shocked me. I think the exposure of the A to his boss triggered this. The alien WH is just acting irrational again.

I e-mailed him to remind him of our agreement but he is unwilling to cooperate. I was going to call him to ask him to give me more time (just as we agreed upon) but he may get angry because of exposure the call I made to his boss last week.

How convenient that I exposed the A to his boss last Monday and then today I get the e-mail about WH filing. WH didn't lose his job because he was e-mailing from his work address. His boss likes him too much to let him go.

Should I call WH to remind him of our previous agreement? Or e-mail? Or not respond at all?

First R2W, try to calm down, you are going to need to be thinking as clearly as possible right now...slow and steady...His filing of papers is NOT a finality on anything, seriously, it isn't...

Second, exposure did NOT cause this, your WH's affair is the cause of this...Exposure is a consequence to the affair...I know how it looks to you, but please consider the bigger picture...Yes, he is angry right now, but your marriage CAN survive his anger, it can NOT and will NOT survive an ongoing affair. Exposure is the most powerful tool that a BS has in their arsenal...You've done the right thing here, don't question it...Really, you are on track...I know it doesn't feel like it, but be strong brave girl, you've done everything right here...

Ok, the divorce...Obviously you need legal representation...For your WH, you have one message and one message only...Be a broken record on this..."I do not do divorce, my attorney does divorce...I do marriage, if and when you are ready to talk about how we can recover our marriage then I will be available and willing"...

BREATHE R2W...Relax, WH is trying to scare you...Don't let him see you sweat...The hornets in the nest are stirring due to exposure, and THAT IS GOOD...We WANT chaos in affair world...

Nothing in your situation is out of the ordinary for around here...it's gonna be okay R2W...


Mrs. W

I'm completely heartbroken. At first, I was completely convinced it was the exposure that took WH over the edge. But you're right, Mrs.W, this wasn't the exposure, it was the affair.

I am at the lowest point in my life right now.

Pepperband,
I do need Mother-therapy right now. Unfortunately, my mother passed away three years ago. I miss her so much, especially now! She was my best friend. She loved my H and she passed away knowing that my H would take care of me. Now, look at me. I know she's looking down from heaven crying right now. My sister is going to come over tonight and keep me company.
I thought I had a MIL to confide with but she's taken WH's side, along with the rest of his family. He's made me out to be the villain. There is no accountability from his family. That doesn't make sense since I was never in an A!

My heart is breaking into a million pieces.

(((R2W)))

Prayers for you...I'm so very sorry that you are going through all this, and without your mom...Well, there are just no words that will make it better, I know, but I really wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you...Glad your sister is coming over, you need that kind of support right now...


Have you met with your pastor to let him know what is going on? I think that you should...

Mrs. W

Thank you for the hugs, Mrs. W. I need as many as I can get. I'm in a sad, sad place. My whole world is crumbling. The pain is unbearable.

Yes, our pastor knows everything up to WH filing. We met with our pastor before I discovered the A but since then, WH refused to meet with anyone except the MC. The MC didn't help us at all and now I'm in this predicament.

WH needs help, big time. I don't know what happened to him. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he continues to do it. He is being so inflexible, ignorant and impatient.

It's going to be a rough journey. I don't know what God has planned for me but right now, I'm pretty miserable.

Which means he is in active rebellion to God...*SHUDDER* We all serve one of two while here on Earth, pretty clear who your WH is serving right now...Send knee mail R2W...

Mrs. W

Yup, it is too clear who WH is serving right now...He needs to be saved from this awful mess...He's turned all of us away...I've tried and tried but he won't even acknowledge my help...

It is my prayer that one day WH will realize what harm he has done. So far, the fog has engulfed him.

Perhaps this will be a comforting thought..perhaps not..but my reaction to your description of your H and his fight with God..is strangely relief mingled with awe and aprehension.

That charged feeling that the air gets right before a wicked awesome storm..you know that feeling..like the whole world is taking a deep breath..

THAT is the feeling I get when I hear about someone being in active rebellion against God [and how I feel when it's ME doing the rebelling].

If that is the case..then this isn't really your fight..you can do your part to support the cause..but really that makes this fight bigger than either of you.

You may want to begin [if you haven't already] to do some study regarding spiritual warfare..it's scary stuff [at least..it scared ME]..but better to know if you've been drafted than to go in empty handed..right?

Noodle,

You totally named it, my WH is in spiritual warfare. How interesting that he was actually teaching it in our Small Group Bible Study at church. Then, in the middle of the session, he stops leading our group and stops going altogether. This isn't a battle for me to handle single-handedly. I haven't done any study on spiritual warfare but I do need to. I'll be looking for books tomorrow.

BTW, I didn't reply to his e-mail yet. I don't know what to say to him.

R2W,

Blessings.

I think you have this around the wrong way. Your Husband is not in a Spiritual battle. He's laid down his arms and surrendered to the enemy - he ain't fighting.

The person that needs to be fighting here is YOU. I am speaking from experience. My wife and I are Christians. When I discovered her affair I went into spiritual warfare. In addition to exposing her [censored], I called our Pastor, put our situation on the prayer chain. My wife left me to shack up with OM.

In addition, I sought the Lord myself like never before.

Exposure and Prayer and 2 days after my wife left home, she was driving home from work and the spirit of the Lord just hit her and she just was a mess of tears. She KNEW then that she had to come home and put things right. She was away from home for 2 weeks all up.

YOU DO THE WARFARE - stand in the gap - he can't.

Enabling in-laws make me sick. I had an enabling sister in law who knew exactly what my WW was doing all along.

We are recovered/recovering now.

Blessings.

There IS hope.

Big Kahuna,

Thank you for your insight. With your insight, I think it's a combination of both. I think WH was trying to fight early on but has given up. At this point, he's surrendered to the enemy completely. I can't figure him out at all. All I know is that for 5.5 years he was my spiritual stronghold and then, poof, his spiritual self disappeared. He said he no longer prayed, he lost interest in pursuing God for answers and left this marriage emotionally. It took me by surprise. I'm still in shock to this day.

My church and I rallied behind my WH but he hasn't even looked back...at least not now...

His enabling family has really wrecked the entire situation for me. I thought they'd be here to help me. They seemed supportive up until the exposure part. It seems like I'm the poison. I had a horrible conversation with WH's cousin who told me off. The A has brought out the worst in people.

I am seeking the Lord with all of my heart. It's the only way for me to cope. I have learned to lean on Him because He will always be faithful.

Thank you for your inspiration. I am so happy that you are recovering. What a blessing to know there IS HOPE.

Blessings to you too.

Well my wife was full on the alien mothership, disconnected from God and church, checked out emotionally. Just as you describe.

Exposure and Prayer did it for me. Got the job done.

Recovery of course was a whole other story.

Hi ready2wait -

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

I can promise you that I saw good come from my experience (more good than I ever could have imagined) - it took a while to see it, though. Hang in there and do everything you can to bring glory to God. In a spiritual battle, you never walk in alone - the battle belongs to God. Here are some things that helped me:

Make sure that you have submitted everything to God. (Submit yourself to God and resist the devil and he will flee from you - rememeber to submit first, this is key!) As best we know from scripture, God hates divorce. Your steadfastness in your marriage, regardless of what happens in the end is glorifying God, so expect God to honor your commitment to Him. Also, remember Solomon as judge and the two protitutes - the judge discerned the mother's love because she was willing to give up her child to save her child. Be willing to give up anything for God - even your marriage. Let God decide, commit to doing God's will, and let Him handle the details. You can tell your husband, no matter what he says that "God hates divorce and I will not intentiaonally do anything that God hates" and then leave the ball in your H's court. You honor God, be nice to your husband, but rememeber - your husband walked out on your marriage. Right now, he has no authority over you - so you do what God says, and honor God, and let your husband work it out with God.

Make sure to ask for prayer from everyone (also find a specific prayer warrior partner that you can call at any time, call her often, and pray together often - she will help to keep your thinking clear), and it is good to pray for these things: for eyes and ears to be opened to the truth, for the truth to be exposed, for hearts to be convicted, for uncommon favor for you, that God will clean up your mind and heart so that you will always recognize the truth, for God to guard your mouth so that you will say only what He wants you to say, and that God will touch the ears of anyone who hears you so that they will only hear what God wants them to hear. And expect your prayers to be answered.

Speak the Word of God out loud. Boy, I grew so much from my own betrayal, I would never have believed it. I had no experience with spiritual warefare, either, and I remember feeling as if a demon was just following me around and telling me such negative stuff! I remember rebuking the spirit in my mind over and over and thinking "the spirits are subject to me! I am a child of God! how dare it harass me!" and then all of a sudden I realized - the demon cannot hear my thoughts. It cannot read my mind, it is not like God, lol! I needed to rebuke it out loud. You have to be careful with this stuff though, some people get obssesed with this sort of thing, but we are to rejoice in our salvation, not that the spirits are subject to us. Keep it balanced, but remember to speak out loud, and that you have the LEGAL RIGHT as a child of God to rebuke any spirit that is not of God. And repeat God's promises out loud, too. Like the fact that God has promised to be your husband - you are called as a woman forsaken and greived in spirit and a wife of youth refused - no weapon formed against you will prosper and all those who rise against you will fall for your sake becuase your righteousness is of God.

When you read scripture, keep a list of verses that are promises and go through them when you are feeling like you need to be reminded of who you are - beloved of God. Keep your mind cleaned up by bringing all thoughts into subjection to CHrist - when you notice an unBiblical thought, call out to God every time. Tell your own spirit not to go there, and repeat promises or scripture to yourself. Do not allow yourself to meditate on anything that is unbiblical.

Do get a lawyer and let your lawyer know that you do not want a divorce but that you have hired him/her to protect your interests only. If it goes to court, do not be afraid to stand alone and say that you do not agree to get divorced. I remember standing alone in court and the other lawyer tried to make me look like an idiot - but I wasn't an idiot and God honored my willingness to not belive all the bad reports - my lawyer kept saying "let's do damage control, damage control" and I told her "no - I am not walking in alone, I have God, my situation is not hopeless - that is a bad report and I will not belive it". Well, everyone in the courtroom thought I was in bad straights - everyone except the judge! He gave me what I asked for and MORE than I asked for and admonished my H in the worst way (my goodness, he let my H have it - it turned out that my judge was a Christian) - he told my husband that it was a matter of proiorites and that my H's prioroties were MESSED up and that he'd better not bring this case into his courtroom again. But, I was prepared for whatever God wanted _ I said, "God, this is yours, do with it whatever you will" and God honored my intentions - just because I gave the outcome to Him. This did not happen right away, it took a year - but just stand fast and you will see what God has planned. Do not be afraid to look foolish, God has not given us a spirit of fear. Believe what God says, belive God.

Also, when you feel alone and need something - call out to God and expect Him to meet your needs, even for little things. I remember feeling so sorry for myself one time when I needed something really practical and I said to God - "Oh, look how alone I am, this is what I need, so simple, yet I do not have it!" and right away, within minutes God provided (through a complete stranger, no less) and it almost knocked me off my feet. And I heard that still small voice say "ask Me first". That is what I should have been doing all along. Sometimes I still forget. Try not to forget this. When God promisise to be your husband, He means it. Ask Him first. Love Him first. Honor Him first. And He will work out all the rest - and He will work it out way better than we ever could on our own.

My love and prayers to you.

allforone

r2w - some practical, earthly advice:

Can't remember if you have an attorney. If not, get one. Now.

The fact of the matter is that if he wants a divorce, he can get one despite your wishes. I'm not saying this is right or wrong - it just is.

Be served the papers. Take them to your attorney. Communicate to your H that you do not want a divorce - you believe (if you do) that the marriage can be salvaged and improved.

Direct your attorney to communicate with his attorney and seek the most favorable settlement you can get. See how bad he wants the divorce. The fog can have its advantages. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have your attorney make it clear in any legal communications that you believe an affair is in progress. Seek his legal advice regarding whether you should counterfile for adultery - or whatever it takes to get the OW deposed. That will put a bee in her bonnet and shed some reality on all of this.

At every step of the process state your objections to the divorce. Drag it out if you want. But not having children may lessen your options here.

In sum, set yourself up for the best possible divorce outcome, assuming it will happen, all the while objecting to it. In the end, if it happens, you'll exit guilt free.

JMHO

WAT

R2W...

Continuing along the same vein with BigK, Noodle, and Allforone...Spritual Warfare Yes...Yes...Yes...

I too am a Christian...and was MOST DEFINITELY in active rebellion to God during my affair...When BigK tells you this is your spiritual warfare, he isn't kidding...The Wayward is just a useless pile of demonic muck while in the affair...REALLY...I couldn't even pray...I actively had to push God completely out of my thoughts...That was a real struggle...But it's possible when you are in active rebellion...I couldn't even read Christian fiction...It actually all became vile to me-I still felt conflicted-but at those times I would actively seek out thoughts of OM or some other equally hedonistic selfish pursuit of mine then...

During this time Mr. W...who is a very grounded, logical guy...a Christian, but who had never had any experience like this before...Til this day he can recount in pretty vivid detail how real the demons in his dreams were...I can't retell it exactly...he would be better to do that...suffice it to say, that he saw me with demons hovering, and when he tried to reach out for me, he was hit and pushed back by a very powerful force...He awoke sweating and scared to death...Later that day, he spoke with one of our staff(he knew of her strong Christian faith) about the experience(not like him at all-we actually laugh at people who share their dreams-this was different-THIS WAS REAL)...This time was pre MB for him, so he didn't tell the staffer about the affair...She, God bless her, told him what had occured...and he began to pray like he never had before...She and I discussed it just the other night-I told her what was going on then...She told me how much she had prayed about us back then...We are recovered/recovering now too...God can and does, as you know, work miracles...Christian marriage is VERY much under attack these days...No question about it...Not a doubt in my mind, or Mr. W's...

R2W...I will pray for you and I'm willing to bet that BigK, Noodle and Allforone will too..."...wherever two or more are gathered in His name, there He is in the midst."...

Mrs. W

P.S. Noodle, I just have to take this opportunity to say you thank you so much for all of your posts here, I have learned so much from you...I feel blessed by "knowing" you in this community...You Rock!

Hello all,
I just consulted with a Christian divorce atty this morning. After the talk, I have a greater peace of mind.

It has been the biggest blessing during this turmoil to have found this site and to have "met" so many of you. It is easy to feel so alone during a time like this.

Mrs. W,
Thank you for your prayers. Spiritual warfare is a scary experience. Never did I think it would happen to my Christian marriage. Maybe this is when spiritual warfare finds it's opportunity, when you least expect it.

I've been submitted my prayer requests to a prayer chain at our church. Intercesory prayer is powerful.

I am feeling better than I did yesterday.

I haven't responded to WH's e-mail yet. Since the A, he has made all the decisions, so for once, I am going to make him wait. There is no such thing as an "easy and painless" D.

R2W...

I'm glad to see that you've met with an attorney...A Christian One...SO GREAT...Mr. W is actually considering changing from Tax Law to a Divorce Law, once we move...Specializing in cases involving infidelity...Emphasis on BSes wishing to SAVE their marriages-NO REPRESENTATION OF WSes-NO WAY!!!Those types of attorneys seem to be pretty non existant...After all that we've seen here, and in our own lives, we would LOVE to help fight infidelity in any possible way...It is an epidemic!!!

I find it more than coincidental that your H was teaching a class on Spiritual Warfare when all this began...Was the OW in the class??? What a great way for Satan to attack, huh? Take down a Christian leader, that way he could perhaps dishearten, deceive, and mislead others...taking them away from their walk with God...ARGH!!!

I don't think that you should respond to his email R2W...2 reasons...1. You are in Plan B, right? If so, NO CONTACT with him-that's what your atty is for...and 2. If he wants this divorce make it H E L L for him...Make him do all the "heavy lifting"...DIVORCE is VERY serious and should NOT be EASY...NO WAY!!!

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better...it's not hard to see why this is called an emotional rollercoaster, huh? You keep praying and drawing closer to God...You will remain on my list-in fact, I've just started keeping a list on my nightstand...INSPIRED BY YOU, as a matter of fact...Keep in mind what Allforone said to you, Satan cannot hear your thoughts...You must rebuke him verbally-you may feel foolish at first if this is a foreign concept to you, but it is VERY real and VERY important...

Stay the course R2W...By the way, have you heard anything from HR yet?

Mrs. W