I'm new here, and would love some advice.

My husband will be adopting my youngest son this year. We have 2 older children together, and my youngest was the result of a relationship I had while my husband and I was seporated, due to his infidelity and emotional abuse towards me. We reunited when my youngest son was a year old. My childs father said he wanted to be involved in our sons life, but I asked him to stay away as I really needed to work on my marriage. After that he never contacted me again. In my mind I thought because he didn't keep trying to be involved in our sons life, he didn't really care about him. This year my husband will be adopting my son. I have been in contact with his father and he has agreed to sign the consent for the adoption. We live in New Zealand, and the Social workers have recommended that I tell my son now (he's 4) that he has two daddys, one who made him, and one who cares for him. I am for this, but my husband is not. He wants to wait until my son is old enough to understand, but I believe the older they get the worse it will be. What can I do??????

POJA with your husband

ask him when he thinks is the right age....

Pep

JTC, that is a tough one. only you know your son and what is the best age for him to begin to process this information. i guess the longer you leave it the more set his identity will become and the harder and more painful it will be for him to accept this information in a non harmful way.

Do you think your husband might be afraid that your son will love him less, or not love him the same way once he finds out. I imagine it must be quite terrifying for him to face that prospect. but i agree with pep, you need to POJA this with him, but i would have some sensitivity to his fear in doing so.

Carolyn

(an aussie)

I was well into my 20's when I found out that I had a different bio dad. I first I was little shocked, but my feelings on the whole deal only lasted for about a week or two.
I am not saying that it was the right way or the wrong way but for me I am glad I didnt know until I was older. As a child I would of always wondered about my bio and would of had all these fantasy about how great he was and I wouldnt of understand the pain that my bio would of brought on to me. Having to deal with the pains growing up i think would of made me a different person cause then my life would of taken a different path. But as a adult I was able to think clearly and without all the fantasy that a child would of had.
When I did find out, yes I did want to me my bio and yes I did look for him. It only took a few visits to realize what kind of man he was, I was able to look at it as a adult and deal with it in a mature way. And it made me realize how lucky I was growing up with someone that loved me and showed me how to be a good adult. And I grew up without the pain I just in my heart without a doubt that I would of had from my bio.
Maybe some would not agree to with what my parents did, but for me I thank them for it every day.
Looking back now I think I did have a little seed of wonder about it now cause I look so different then my sisters, everyone in my family is soooooo tall, and big boned, and dolly parton breasts on both my mom and dads side of the family, and here I was a tiny petite flat chested thing, use to be a joke at family gathering to watch where they walked so they didnt step on me, and kids in school use to ask me why I was so much different then my family. One of the first thoughts that came to my mind when I found out the truth is "that explains the difference" there was a few other little things here and there that made me raise my eyebrow while I grew up and the dots connected when I was older.

I guess the only advice I can say, is go with what feels right for both of you. I wouldnt make it a main topic to constantly push it in the kids head that he does have two daddys. Start with little hints here and there, like the day he gets adopted tell him right out that you two made his daddy his daddy for real, make a big occasion out of it. At 4 that memory might stay with him even tho right now he wont understand it, he will when he gets older. Cause I do remember flashes of when I was 4. Drop hints here and there, and when the child gets interested and ask then be honest with him. When he does then it wont be a complete shock when he finds out the truth after he thougth about it for a while.

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate your input on this. I will pray about the right thing to do. I love this child so much, his father and I were very much inlove, but it seemed everyone was against us. In a way, I sacrificed my happiness for that of my family's. I have no hard feelings towards this man, and I'd be happy for him to be a part of my son's life when the time comes, but my husband is dead set against it. I guess the real problem was my husband and I didn't really talk things through, we just got back together and looked ahead. We tried to pretend that nothing ever happened.........and now it seems alot is starting to catch up with us. I try to get my husband to open up to me but he seems to think he can resolve things himself, and just burys himself in the bible. I think we just need to vent everything that has happened, but I just don't know how to get my husband to let it out........

I tend to agree with your husband on this point. It could make a 4yo insecure and confused. Biology vs. adoption is very complex issue, especially if your son and he (and sibs) look even remotely alike.

I adopted a child of another 'race', which is a different case, in terms of what they see and hear from others... they need the words to cope with that difference.

Your son could be given the same simplistic language, but I don't see the *need*.

On the other hand, a neice and nephew adopted into the family at a young age were not told of their adoption until their late teens, which made them pretty angry for awhile.

Also keeping in mind the fact the boy is the result of infidelity, I can see your DH's reluctance to open that up. Have you guys gotten any counseling? I really recommend it.

I would ask the social worker what she thinks can be gained from telling him at this early age. Does she have any studies or research to back up her opinion? What have others found to work?

And definately POJA with your DH, because that really makes your marriage strong!

Good luck,
J

"In a way, I sacrificed my happiness for that of my family's."

Whoa. You believe your biggest issue in you marriage is to tell or not to tell your son he has a biodad?

Really?

You were married...separated...still married...and you believe "his father and I were very much inlove, but it seemed everyone was against us" three years later?

What do you believe infidelity is?

LA

It's easy to judge me when you don't know the full history of the early days in my marriage. I do want things to work out, and I do want to love my husband the way a wife should. I think I have so many questions in my head about why he cheated on me so many times......he has admitted to at least 5 affairs. At the time I confronted him about it, I went to my parents for support, and was practicly told to just get over it and get on with my marriage, that's just the way things were handled in the islands, it's okay for the man to leave, but it's not okay for the wife. I had no one to go to until I met this other man. I went back to my husband because my children couldn't understand why I wasn't with their father anymore, and I didn't want to tell them what he had done to me......they were both under 8 at the time. I did want to make an effort to love him again, and sometimes I do, until the past catches up with me and I have so many unanswered questions. I'm sure he has his demons too, and if he wants to let it out, and scream at me for my part, I think that would help.........but he just wants to ignore everything, and act like nothing has happened. Is that healthy?????? I don't think so, I just want to lay everything out on the table. I don't care if that means lots of anger and tears, at least it will be out in the open and not kept inside waiting to explode.

Classic conflict avoider jtc.

You both would benefit from counseling w/Harleys. E-mail them for an appointment if you can.

It is not ok to have an affair to 'even things out'.

Your culture may have a lot to do with your inability to put things on the table and discuss them.

People here are wise and will guide you.

Stick around.

Also read around this site for lot's of info.

Maybe you can move this to general questions since you don't have an oc?

Best wishes.

I appreciate all the posts on this subject, and I see that since I have posted here, alot of underlying feelings have surfaced, I think I do have alot of unresolved hurts and I'm sure my husband does too. How can I approach the subject to him?