Pep, Melody, BobPure, the Wanderings, Longhorn,

Please help my friend find out if her husband is cheating on her?


Her name is going to be muchacha and will be posting soon.

Until then, she is going to post using my name.

Here is her story in her words.

We were marry before and got divorce after a daughter and three years of marriage. Because he was too busy working and going to school and he was not spending time with us. after two years being divorce we decided to get back together and we had a second child. Now that we moved together, he started to work a lot again and he complains that the house is a mess and that he wants to relax and he can't because the kids and I are not letting him. I know he works very hard and he has responsibilities. I do not bother him and only have him pick up the kids from day care four days a week. I am thinking maybe he is not happy with me because he could be going out with someone else. Other people tells me that and I am taking it as a consideration. What do you think. Everything that I do bothers him. I am not trying to retain him is just that I would like to know. And he is cheating, then he is not worthy.

Wow KD - we need a lot more information than that I think.

Hey B.kahuna,

I think what she was wanting to know was what signs do you look for in a cheating husband.

She has two small children, and her children deserve to have both parents in their lives.

She did mention that her husband is a workaholic.

She also said that he wants to split up.

We didn't have to much time to talk last night, but she voiced her concerns over her husbands confusing behavior. On one hand he goes out and buys furniture and gives her gifts and then promptly tells her not read anything into the fact that he was buying these things for her and said that he wanted to seperate.

She said that she thinks he is exhibiting behaviors of a man cheating, but needs help finding out what behaviors to look for in cheating spouses.


Thanks so much for responding,

She is such a sweet person.


Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbreak

kds, I would suggest that she spy on him to see what he is doing. That seems like the best first step.

Melody,

Thanks for responding.

I think she wants to know,

What are the signs of a cheating spouse?

Such as, Constantly using the cell phone and hanging up quickly when spouse walks in.

Taking calls late at night, and excusing themselves into another room.

The need for privacy.

What are the things a cheating spouse says when involved in an affair?

I printed out the link, spying 101 for her, so she now knows how to uncover certain things.

First sign of an affair is a bad marriage...

check...

Other ones include (and there are many threads here on this) :

changes in appearance
phone calls that hang up when she answers
unexplained absences
work late - early
more frequent trips, dinners, weird hours
unexplained changes in sex life (more or less)
sudden changes in "interests"...

You know that WS's are not that bright...spy on him....all the while let him think everything is normal...

Where is the link to that thread that lists out a ton of signs????

Anyone???

Mr. W <----to lazy to do the work himself

He/she receives phone calls that they don’t want you to overhear.
He/she has an e-mail address to which you do not have access.
You get the impression that you are often lied to about little things.
You no longer seem to have serious and intelligent conversations about important things and you get the feeling that your company is being avoided.
Your spouse spends hours and hours in on-line chatrooms.
Your spouse has more and more unaccounted time away from home.
You discover your spouse has a post office box, which you did not know about.
The passenger seat in the car has been moved from its usual position.
Often when you answer the phone, the caller hangs up on the other side.
Your spouse has a separate bank account you did not know about.
There are credit card transactions for gifts, hotels and restaurants that you cannot recall.
There is a sudden increase in your phone bill.
Your spouse suddenly looks different – new clothes, new hairstyle.
Your spouse suddenly has a decreased interest in having sex with you.
Your spouse joins the gym after years of being a slothful couch potato.
His/her cellphone is often switched off when you are trying to get into contact.
Your spouse is particularly attentive or particularly inattentive towards you.
You press the redial button on the phone and get through to someone you don’t know.
Your spouse tries to pick fights with you so that he/she can storm out of the house and disappear for a few hours.
When you raise your concerns, you are told that you are excessively paranoid.

Okay K.D., I'm gonna respond here, but first, you have to do me a favor...Please don't call me "Wandering"...LOL...I DID WANDER...I NEVER WILL AGAIN, PROMISE...Now, I just prefer to "WONDER"...I "WONDER" so much so I can continue to gleen more and more around here...You know me, I NEED THE LEARNIN' GIRLY...and I always will!!!

Ok, all joking around aside, I would still like to hear more info. on your friend...As Mel suggested, snooping would provide the most insight...INSPECT WHAT YOU EXPECT...A great rule to live by, IMO...

That being said, the situation that you describe is very similar to how things were between Mr. W and I when *I* had my affair...The state of our marriage had left us both quite vunerable...We were doing NOTHING to protect each other...We had both essentially dropped out of the race-STILL NOT AN EXCUSE FOR AN AFFAIR...Just saying that the conditions were RIPE, in our case...

I believe that your friend needs to begin Plan A in conjunction with snooping...I made the very grave mistake of not meeting Mr. W's need for domestic support like your friend seems to be doing...A messy home is not a stress free environment to come home to after a long day at the office...Not inviting at all...Add children, and well, WOW...Not a great way to decompress...

Perhaps I missed something, does your friend work also? If not, then why is her husband picking up the children at daycare 4 days a week? If she does work also, is there a way that that could be more equally divided? I know that I often MADE Mr. W pick up our DD from preschool...I say made, because I would wait til the last minute, and then call and say that I couldn't do it...He was closer, so what choice did he have...NOT respectful of him at all...A total lack of consideration on my part...(not saying that she MAKES her husband do anything like this, just sharing my own boneheadedness for fodder-DUH!!!)

I sincerely hope that your friend's husband is not cheating K.D., but if so, I'm glad that you are a good enough friend to her to bring her to Marriage Builders...In the event that he isn't cheating, it still sounds like this marriage would benefit GREATLY with the application of MB principles...MB Marriages are the best, IMO...

Mrs. Wondering<------laughing and thinking, "Wait, I couldn't hear her, what did she "chardonnay?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mrs. Wondering,

She is also a student going to college in the evenings and takes care of her two small children during the day.

She also says, her house is not messy or dirty, but that he is making a big deal out of children's toys that are out occassionally.

I am guessing that he is using these instances to draw attention away from his own guilt.

Yes, I promise not to call you Mrs. Wandering. I think it was a freudian slip of the tongue. LOL.


Sincerely,

k.d.'s heartbreak

Certainly could be the case...

Has your friend begun snooping? K.D., can you influence her to do that, and also begin posting here? Reading here, while obviously is a good thing, will never be a substitute for posting for yourself and becoming actively involved...There is always much more to be gleaned from taking action...

Mrs. W

kdsheartbreak,

Let me see if I understand all of this.

1. He works hard and has been called a workaholic, right?

2. She has two kids, takes care of the house, and goes to school at night, right?

3. I presume she also has to study for these classes and do homework and prepare for tests, right?

4. There is no evidence of an affair so far, other than his distance and more complaining right?

Well, the FIRST rock I would roll over is to consider that he is feeling neglected (I don't care if it is true or not), but it seems to me your friend has little time to spend with her "workaholic" husband and what she may be seeing is his frustration at this, and resentment.

I would consider this first and foremost.

God Bless,

JL

Here is the list from yahoogroups' marriage problems list.

If he is cheating, a few of these will click with her.

-------------------------------------------------


Which ones do you see in your relationship?


Acting Restless At Home? - When it seems they would rather be somewhere else.

Working A Lot Of Overtime? - So you cant track where they actually are.

Saying: "Let's Separate." - Your lover is committed to another life.

Taking Business Trips Alone? - When they can take their lover away at the company's expense.

Hiding The Cell Phone Bill? - So you can't see all the time they call their lover.

Additional Mileage On The Vehicle Odometer? - A way to track when your lover is seeing someone else.

Scent Of Perfume Or Alcohol? - Is when your lover is not at the office meeting.

New sexual techniques?- What your lover is learning from their new love interest.

Finding Birth Control Items?/Changing or stopping birth control you usually use, - A sure sign your lover is seeing someone else.

Acting Too Close To A Best Friend? - Is very common to have an affair, since they both have a lot in common.

Lost interest in sex or suddenly become insatiable seem always turned on. Not anything that is a part of your marriage pattern.

Being emotionally distant.

Changing things about the way they dress/act, losing weight, not wearing a wedding band/rings,

Not being where they should be at a certain time of day.

Being late for appointments or canceling them all together.

Picking fights to alleviate guilt.

Spending way way more time away at night.

Ask a question, like...Where were you? And not getting an answer. Instead, the subject is changed as often as necessary till they have to go to to bed.

Telling you that you are crazy. Acting as if you are the one with the problem. Always deflecting everything from them to you.

Call to home at the same time every day and she doesn't pick up --- A particular service man (UPS) is doing his route on your block at that time?

Says she is doing her shopping at a particular time yet won't answer cell. -- Ask for grocery receipt,it will have time stamp.

Is she involved in a lot of play dates/book clubs/art clubs? -- Ask 3 husbands of said clubs to call their wives and casually ask if your wife made it to said club.

Makes comments like I am (number) chapters behind on my bible/book study - I must get up to date before next week, I can't be behind again. Where is there a bible/book-based study where one can be attending and yet not catch up each visit. Is she/he going at all?

My husband used to tell me that the stress of my breast cancer had made me crazy and imagining things. All the time he was doing exactly what I suspected and questioned him about.

My husband almost had me believing that I was bi-polar, telling me I was moody and mentally wishy-washy. It wasn't until I stepped back and looked at everything that it dawned on me that I wasn't this moody until he started the poor cash management, the lies, and lack of intimacy.

Your spouse (m or f) leaves the house and you see them on the cell phone when they are driving away. You check to see who they were talking to but the call id record has been erased...............

Your spouse starts arguments/fights on a regular basis right before going to work. Then doesn't come home on time and blames having a fight with you for going "out to blow off some steam" before coming home. But can never answer your questions of where he or she was because you are just picking on them and trying to continue the fight.

Changing underwear on a frequent basis when coming home from work.

Coming home from work or where ever they were and going straight to the shower.