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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
Just need to rant..........M almost 6 yrs. with small child. I've held on through a miserable last 2 years now but think I'm at the end of my rope and am prepared for it. My life, emotions and money have been sucked dry.

W (36) says she's confused about relationship and feels trapped, doesn't think she loves me anymore and wants freedom to make decisions and do whatever she wants without reporting in....ie being a couple. She is alcoholic/addict and bi-polar to boot. Re-hab, mental hospitals, meds only work for 2 or 3 weeks until she goes back to previous ways. Claims I control her since I try to stop her from destructive behavior. W has no friends except those she makes in the bars which of course are not "our" friends (she once had an unprotected one-nighter with a stranger). She hates my friends.

No job (fired), no hopes for the future yet she wants to move to her own place, live her own life etc. etc. and not rush to D. Hah!

I think I finally realized the reason I hold in is she is beautiful and I do not want to be alone......even though I've been lonely for a while. I've been learning about myself and realize that I'll probably be less stressed and more self-confident without the worry and fighting. Without going into detail, it dawned on me that her past has made her an ugly, dark person on the inside.

Thanks for listening......

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
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Posts: 128
I guess I should also add to the above, I'm very tired and don't think I can personally keep hangingtough. The last few years have drained me and changed me into an entirely different person than I used to be. I don't like myself anymore so changes need to be made.........probably alone.


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
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Posts: 128
So strange......W just called me at work. Suffering a massive hangover from another night "hangin' out" at the bar. Tells me she doesn't want a divorce and doesn't understand whats wrong with her. Asks why have I been so tolerant of her behaviour.

I told her I would rather not divorce either but if she wants to keep hurting me and our family, lieing and partying that I'm prepared to move on. Told her in no uncertain terms that the bars and men must go or else she must go. I can't make her decision, only she can (silence). I said I'm done trying to help fix her and am concentrating on getting "ME" back.

Guess we're gonna talk tonight....Oh boy, looking forward to it :-(

Tried counseling a few months ago.....she lost interest after 2 visits.

Am I doing the right thing??


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
She has to get a handle on her addiction and get into a hard-core recovery program before she can begin to work on the marriage.

Have you set up documentation so that you get full custody? Having an addicted bi-polar primary parent would be about as damaging to a child as I could possibly imagine. Besides, with the behavior you describe, your wife is in self-destruct mode - any dependents would go down with her ship.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 149
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Posts: 149
I agree with the above poster. There is no regaining a marriage with the addition and bi-polar. She needs to get into a recovery program....and then prove that she is going to stay addicted free for 1 year.

I believe that you should go for full-custody...and this way she can work totally on herself without the child. With bi-polar...not to scare you...it is hereditary. Your child should be check on periodically. If your W goes in recovery, working on herself, you can be alone with the child and give this child a safe environment. Once the W is through the recovery they have places that she can live outside your home to live and find herself. She can work, make some freinds and find out how deeply she wants to keep herself addicted free. This all can be done away from you and the child.

I am not saying that you should keep the child away...yes go on visitations, but now your child knows that dad and child have a safe environment and a settled life.

Keep posting, there are many that can help you here.

Joined: May 2006
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Quote
She has to get a handle on her addiction and get into a hard-core recovery program before she can begin to work on the marriage.

Have you set up documentation so that you get full custody? Having an addicted bi-polar primary parent would be about as damaging to a child as I could possibly imagine. Besides, with the behavior you describe, your wife is in self-destruct mode - any dependents would go down with her ship.

I am very familiar with the BP illness. I've read, talked to PDocs and couselors about the condition and how I should do it.

Funny. She just left a 30 day re-hab center 3 weeks ago. She was there for a very similar reason plus a OD on her meds. Recently she got some calls from "friends" she made while there, of course they were partying when they called, she said she feels like she's missing out on something now. According to her, just about all the contacts she made there have now re-lapsed too. Can't handle recovey.....easier to numb and not face up to herself and her demons.

Re docs, I've got the past records, bills, etc. and now and logging current actions.

Our converstaion last night was not long. She doesn't love me anymore (that's cool) and still plans to move when she finds a job. In the meantime, she went out and got her own new cell phone and admitted she has already talking to a guy at the bar she hangs out at. Now, this bar is a sleezy joint, not one I would personally hang out at if I was a bar guy.

She apologized for making my life miserable, my response was "only recently, it hasn't always been that way. If you figure out why let me know". She feels I will never forgive her past transgressions. In her mind, the past is 1 week ago, not 3 months or 6 months when all this ****** started up. Since she's either been detached, partying or in the hospital/rehab we have not even had a chance to heal from 2006 problems yet.

I'm letting her go, detaching myself. Planning to keep the child. hopefully she'll understand without getting ugly......but I doubt it.


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 360
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Posts: 360
Your w is sadly much like my h. You sound like you are on the right path and are seeing things clearly. I know how hard that can be. I know I often wish for a peaceful life without drama, but these types of spouses never can do that. I know I have begun IC to help me see why I ended up in my predicament and where to go from here.

"She feels I will never forgive her past transgressions."

This is such a cop out. Always trying to shift blame. Eventhough you have given her the opportunity to turn her life around and save her marriage. The problem is you won't forgive. uggggh. My H makes a similar arguement, saying that I am always looking for reasons to be upset with him and that I just want out. Forgive me for wanting to seek out the truth and not live in the dark. Unhealthy people are what these individuals are, with there addictions, self destruction, and lack of accountability.

Stay strong HT. Your child needs you to be. I know that's what keeps me going.


me-36
exh-35 bipolar/addiction issues
2 DS
Married 9 yrs / Separated Aug 08 / Divorced since July 2009
Trying to put my life back together......
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
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I find it so funny, how they can be so nice and workable when they need your help, but when they feel a little in control they go back to being idiots.

She found an apartment, but she can't move in till Aug 1. Still no job, but has nicely asked me for help (not excessive, thank goodness). Before she gets a dime, I'll draft up a separation agreement spelling out the custody terms and financial amounts. Agreed to be civil for the sake of everyone during the next month. I like to term it "Stealth Mode". Accumulating info, going with the flow and providing a stable, happy environment for our child.

1/2 hour later she comes up to me and asks if it's OK if she goes out tonight. Doesn't want to fight about it, just checking. What I wanted to say was "Heck No, as long as you are living here you will act responsible and be a good parent". What I ended up saying was "whatever, do what you have to".

I need a break from her and her stuff. 1 mo., 6 mos., 1 yr. or forever I just need to breathe.


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007

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