Is there a right/wrong way to do this? I want to be as sensitive as possible. I think I'm ready. What should I do to prepare? I don't know where to start!

It depends on why you want a divorce.

Is he an axe murderer? - or worse, a Yankees fan?

Are you both still overweight?

WAT

LOL, WAT...and may I add, depends on how honest you want to be with yourself and with him...

LA

Oh, where do I start?

The marriage is very uneven. I credit my husband with being a good financial provider and not indulging in any of the "classic" bad habits such as smoking, adultery, PA, etc. However, he is emotionally and mentally abusive and tends to be a taker, not a giver.

He is a major moper--has suffered from depression (which I wasn't aware of until AFTER we got married). Little things set him off and he will mope for days and treat me like a stranger even when I haven't done anything wrong. This has gone on for so long that at this point I have little tolerance for it.

He won't tell me he loves me. He won't touch me even though I beg him to touch me. He pulls away when I touch him. He will not discuss things--bottles it all up and refuses to tell me what he's feeling and has made it pretty clear that he has no intention of committing to changing any of his damaging behaviors.

I probably sound angry because I am angry. We both work FT and he expects me to do everything around the house (his mom was a regular June Cleaver). I come home from work and cook dinner while he watches TV and waits for me to serve him. I have tried to nicely ask him if we could work out some way to share the household duties and he just says, "you're the woman."

Also, I'm sure I will get flamed severely for this but here it is anyway: I blame him for my weight gain and inability to lose weight. He has chipped away at my self-esteem and makes fun of my body. He kicks my butt if I am bent over doing something and laughs like it's hilarious. I never had problems with obesity before I married him.

There is so much more but these are some examples. And before you say it takes two to tango, I have been nothing but respectful towards him, tried to make things nice and always have looked out for him and expressed interest in him and his daily life. I don't get the same in return.

So you came to Marriage BUILDERS WHY?? Why do you post on an infidelity message board? Do you suspect he is having an affair? Are you?

Do you understand that you're posting in an "Infidelity" area of the forum? This may not be the best location for seeking advice regarding non-infidelity marital problems.

Nonetheless, is he still depressed?

How would he describe your marriage?

Are you happy with yourself as a person? Would you prefer to not be overweight? If yes, what are you doing about it? Do you expect that leaving him will "cure" your self esteem problem and, thus, resolve the weight issue? Why or why not?

WAT

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



BWHaaaaaaaaaa

how convenient for you !!!

com'on ... OWN your own choices

pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks a lot.

Ok, I'll bite.

NiceWife,
your H sounds a lot like my first H. He sometimes didn't speak to me for a whole week because I took the wrong exit from the freeway, or something like that. He was always telling me what to do - what to think - and laughed at my overweight when I got it, also after a few years of M.

This H is now XH. In hindsight I guess I married too young (19 to his 36) and had no experience in life and relationships to really talk to him and try to mae the M better, I just swallowed it all 'till I could take no more. I was very scared to leave him because of the way he might react (he was physically agressive too, sometimes), but I had to get out to get on with my life.

If you want to stay in this M - I would advise marriage counseling. If you don't - think about it long and hard and make the decision that is right for you.

Best regards,
Brit

don't rob yourself of your personal power ...

if you want to lose weight, you will

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, I didn't know I was posting on the wrong board.

I have come to/read the posts on Marriage Builders for years and people usually seem supportive on here.

I have an elliptical that I use several times a week and have been eating less/healthier for a few weeks. Own my own choices? Yes, I chose to overeat but why did I overeat? It's my only comfort. I didn't even consider that he might be abusing me until recently. Do you know how hard it is to lose weight when your spouse calls you a hippo? ****edit****.

well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you want a divorce, and you are asking how to tell your H you want a divorce ... why not say

[color:"blue"] I am miserable & I am getting a divorce. Here is the name of the attorney I have hired [/color]

direct
factual
determined

sounds good?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NW-
I think folks are a little bit snippy today because of other situations, not at all related to you. Please don't take this as an indication of the usual mood. JMVHO

First off--this is NOT the wrong place to post...as everyone here knows, there are plenty of "non-infidelity" issues posted here, and the reason is b/c there is a lot more traffic here, and you get better advice.

Second--I believe you when you say your H destroyed your self confidence and caused you to turn to food for comfort. I'm in a similar situation.

Third--I'm like you in another way,,,no sex in over 4 years. Those who haven't walked a mile in those shoes don't have any idea what kind of frustration they are dealing with.

Ok...So, Divorce the ba$[censored]? Maybe. That doesn't solve the problems, though. Creates a bunch of new ones, and solves only a little bit.

I'd like to offer to buddy up with you to talk some more, since we have a lot in common. I'm working through similar emotions, and I'm getting to a point where I'm assuming more ownership for my choices from here on.

Let's backburner your D talks for now and work on NW. Ignore any criticism that is not constructive. Like I said, some folks are a little testy here today. Please don't walk away because of a few thoughtless statements.

Also remember that because we're on a written forum, we cannot always understand any wit or sarcasm attempts, so folks are not always hearing genuine thoughts. Gotta go now, but I'll check back later tonight, ok?

The only "snippiness" I see on this thread comes from NiceWife, who wasn't so nice when she told Pep "****edit****."

NiceWife, Pep is exactly right, your weight problem is all your own doing. Unless your H held you down and force fed you, you have to be a big girl and own that choice.

We can blame him for his bad behavior; likewise you have to take ownership of yours. Otherwise, he gets a pass to blame YOU for his shabby behavior since you set that precedent. You OWN it, you control it.

Agree with Pep's advice to just be straightfoward and direct.

NiceWife,

Sorry for the reception you got here. I can see a lot of “snippiness” in the replies you got.

Your issue does have a place on Marriage Builders. Saving marriages from infidelity is just one of many aspects MB handles not the ONLY one. However this is the infidelity part of town so... Your post would probably fit better and get more appropriate response in the Emotional Needs forum under General Discussions.

If you are overweight it might be because of physiological reasons imposed by how you experience your husband and your place in this marriage. It goes a lot deeper than “owning choices”. Just like an alcoholic doesn’t drink just from “owning his own choice”. There can be underlying issues that are a lot more complex than you just overeating. I think people saying otherwise are simplifying things a lot. If it were that simple I guess you would just stop eating and drunks would just sober up, sexual addicts just stop having sex. Easy hey?

However in the end it does all boils down to you facing the issues, understanding and dealing with them and ... owning up. I do hope you find friendly people here who will help you on that path.

Is saying "***edit**" a "snippy" comment in your opinion? I feel like I have entered the twilight zone here because this "snippiness" charge is being aimed at a very unsnippy remark about her obvious blame shifting while *******is being overlooked.


In AA we OWN our own choice to drink. We don't ever blame our decision to drink on others. Accepting the responsibility for our choices is always the FIRST STEP towards recovery. Without that, there will be no recovery. Blaming our bad choices on others is an IMPEDIMENT towards recovery. Saying the devil [or anyone else] made me do it wont fly in any 12 Step program.

folks, it is not "snippy" to politely point out that there is some blameshifting going down here. It is a little "snippy" to tell someone "*****edit****."

Um... the way I intrepretted the "***edit***" comment was that her husband had said that to her after calling her a hippo. I didn't think it was directed towards anyone here. Of course, she can speak for herself, but that's they way I understood it...

Well, it sure doesn't look that way to me. She wasn't quoting him, she was posting to Pep.

I could not be certain who the F bomb was aimed at ...

but

no matter

she's upset
she's needing to calm down
she can explain later...

but if she wants a divorce & is ONLY here to ask how to inform her husband ... well , that seems pretty straight forward to me..

but she is seething with hurt & rage

and many women EAT themselves FAT when they are unable to express anger appropriately

so, if the F-bomb was for moi ... I am OK with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

... as long as it was not followed by a donut !!!

LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />