Before you ask for a divorce. You plan one.

Are your finances set up? Have you thought about an alternative place to stay? MOST importantly, I assume you do not have children.??

If you have not planned a divorce yet. Then consider if your idea "I want a divorce" is actually "I am tired of living this way. I am going to change my situation."

It sounds to me like you want your H to change, because you think he is in the way of you changing. You don't need his permission to change. You dont need to be divorced to change either.

Now as far as dealing with emotional abuse...it is true that people can wear you dont...if you let them.

Whats that famous Eleanor Roosevelt saying?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

why you give your consent?

Is it because you dont like youself?

THAT is where you need to start.

You mention you dont like your physical image. Then what are you DOING to change it?....getting a divorce??

BTW...you do sound as though you are feeling sensitive.

Sorry that you are hurting.

I hope one day you can read this an laugh....

.....'cause that donought comment Pepperband made was hillllariious!

First on the weight issue. Before working out before dieting find out what your basic calorie input should be every day to maintain your weight. Do not guess or hypothosize. There are websites out there that you can plug your numbers into and it will tell you how many calories.

You do not need a fad diet. It is simple 500 calories a day less then what your body needs and you will lose about 1 pound a week.

Drink lots of water. Many urges are your body telling you you need something. It is usually water. Before you give in to chocolate or whatever drink a big glass of water and wait 10 minutes. If it doesn't pass drink another. Still doesn't pass go ahead and indulge. What will happen is you will indulge less because you have the water in the tummy.

I lost 50lbs that way.

Now onto the D thing.

I like the idea just be direct.

If you really want one and you think it would be the best thing then "just do it" hope I don't get sued by NIKE for that one.

On the other hand if that is what you really want why would you come here and ask? This is a website dedicated to saving M's.

If you can answer that question maybe you might want to ask a different one like "how do I save my M?"

People are actually answering that question already.

lol! AA as a weightloss program, hehe imanotherone, the weight just FELL off me when I quit drinking so maybe you are onto something here!

But, it all came back plus a whole lot more when I started eating sweets and other junk food. I had to completely change my eating habits and have kept it all off for 7 years now. I went on the dreaded Atkins diet, cut out junk food and replaced the bread, pasta and rice with broccoli, salads, beans and other good carbs.

One key thing I learned is that if I don't have sugar, I don't MISS sugar! That made all the difference for me.

Since we are pitching in Diet advice...

Eat whatever nonprocessed food you want, but only eat when sitting down at the table at the same regular times every day. E.g. breakfast, 12 and 7 pm, (when needed at 4 pm: tea or no calorie drink and fruit).

Drink 1.5 liters of water (64 ounces) a day; drink only non calorie drinks unless at breakfast (juice, milk).

SLEEP more than you usually do (30 minutes-1 hour) per night.

Exercise/Walk 35 minutes 3 x week.

Hi all,

I have read all your responses and taken seriously what each one has had to say. I'm sorry this went in a negative direction (especially b/c of my much regretted F-Bomb); I certainly didn't plan it that way.

Pep--can you expand on the 'eating=conflict avoidance' comment you made? I find it interesting and a perspective I haven't entertained before.

Imanotherone--how do we buddy up if messages are banned?

I am going to think about what you have said and take a week and try some ideas. Perhaps I will return and will start a different thread. Thanks for reading.

NiceWife,

I think things are settling down a bit here.

I don't think you need diet advice. You know what to do.

I read somewhere that in one year (2002, I think) 58 MILLION diet books were sold in the USA, and at the end of the year, the average US adult was heavier.

You know what to do.

About your H... I suspect he needs somebody to be lower than himself in order to feel that he himself is worthy. Perhaps he had no overt abuse etc. in his home, but he may have been the least successful of the children, or perhaps under the shadow of one star sibling and always hearing "why can't you be like John (or Marsha)". Or his father always wanted to keep the boy down so that HE (your FIL) could feel worthy. I don't know, but things like that can happen quietly, respectably - and can have very destructive effects.

About not letting him treat you this way... I can tell part of my story...
My XW used to be violent. I finally learned that as soon as she started, I walked out of the house. Now, that would not work for everybody, but for her, the pure REJECTION of it was so painful that she learned to direct her anger in other directions. One time she left me bleeding with blood dripping off my chin from both ears being "clawed" and both arms scratched and bleeding too. That time, I didn't even call or answer the phone for 24 hours. She was begging etc., calling my brother and the police to look for me. Again, I'm sure it won't work in every case, but it might work for you. It is a clear way of saying "I will not allow anybody to treat me like that." It's worth a try before you go all the way to divorce.

About your original question... I'm guessing that you are expecting his agreement and consent with every thing you do. When it comes to walking out of the house, I can imagine you saying "I don't like the way you are treating me. I'm leaving for a while now. OK?".

And if, after all else fails, you seek divorce, you don't have to say "I'd like to divorce if that's OK with you." Just "I'm divorcing you. It would save a lot of time and expence if we did this uncontested. Let's sit down after the 4th - say Thursday night and see what we can agree on. If we come to an agreement, we can take it to a lawyer on Friday to get things in motion. If we can't agree, the next thing to try is a mediator - and if we are unable to agree at all, we'll have to do the entire thing in court." That gives him options. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't spoil a good speach by throwing in an "OK?" at the end.

You do not need his permission to protect yourself from his abuse.

-AD

Excellent advice AD.

NW, since you are DINKs, it's much simpler--do you want to stay married to someone who has been emotionally abusive and unsupportive for so long?

I've found one of the biggest problems I'm facing is the fact that H cannot maintain a fascade of respect for me long enough for it to become a habit. He eventually will revert back to old habits and say or do something totally disrespectful or passive aggressive towards me. Even if weeks go by without a major misstep, one will always happen and it seems to happen when I need his support the most.

Do you like your current job? You need some aspect of your life that brings you joy and happiness. Is your family supportive of you? Do you have some close friends who live nearby? Everyone needs an outlet. If you think things are bad now, they'll probably get much nastier when the divorce proceedings start.

Can you give more background--like can you remember when this pattern of negativity started between you and H? Is it a pattern you've seen before? What made the two of you decide to marry in the first place? Some of this might be more than you want to share on an open board.

Let me know when you usually view this board, and I'll post my email address so you can contact me privately, if you want. BTW, the reason MB has disabled PMs is to prevent possible on-line affairs from beginning. I don't think we are in the high-risk category here. Lots of members have their email addresses permanently affixed to thier signature line to allow private messages.

I don't like to leave my email address anywhere permanently, if only to prevent spam-mining, but if I know you're going to be reading, I'll post it, then come back later and delete it after you've got it.

Try to do something nice for yourself today (and every day).

Well

I am making guesses based on some assumptions gleaned from your very fews posts here ... but also, I work in healthcare with direct patient contact ... and some of what I say to you comes from that experience & things I have noticed about people in general.

Food = comfort at one time or another (everyone who agrees ~~~> raise your hand .... *counting* .... it's unanimous .. everyone agrees <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

all of us has experienced food as a way to comfort ourselves when we are feeling our woundedness (mashed potatos with a ton of salt & pepper & butter)

so, sometimes, that food = comfort is soooooooo successful as a bandaide to our hurts, that it becomes the prefered way to make ourselves feel good when we feel bad

and when there is a nasty dilemma ... one that requires a choice be made between 2 choices ... neither choice being very sweet & joyful ... instead of actually addressing the conflict head-on ... one goes the well-used path of comfort eating

so

want to avoid a conflict & avoid making a choice? .... EAT & dull the senses ... fill up the belly & remind yourself how food makes you able to tolerate a very unhealthy environment for longer than you should

eating = escape from choosing because it releaves discomfort !!!!!!

get it?

So, since you are asking how you can inform your H that you want a divorce ... what you are actually wanting to know is ... how can you face this choice & not suffer consequences...

well, you can't ... so instead, you eat

and you feel a little better ... until the food high wears off & you feel like crapontoast .... so

you cannot "blame" your eating addiction on your H

because

if you were not a conflict avoider .... you'd solve this dilemma instead of trying to eat it ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep