I am 29 he is 29 we have been together for 9 years married for 3 with 3 gorgeous children, well about 3 weeks ago I cheated on him with my daughters best friends dad, my daughter is 11 & his daughter is 11.. He is married also, she is the one who found out by reading his e-mail, it was a letter I wrote him, she showed up at my house & told me I could have him if I wanted him, I told her it wasnt like that... & It wasnt like that at all, it just kinda happened, I did tell my husband an hour later & the look on his face was something I will never forget & I have never hurt him so bad & I feel so bad becasue I did.. She called & talked to my husband they agreed that we would all meet in the park to talk about this, something I did not want to do, but knew I had to do it.. It was hard as ****** it really was & i know i deserved every single bit of it... She told him what to say to me, & he had a very hard time saying it.. & yes it hurt to hear it but I deserve it 100 % of it...Well my husband is blaming himself he says he knows he has treated me like crap over the past couple years, & he has & I know it was no excuse to do what we did, we hurt her , we hurt him & yes his daughter knows about it & with who becasue of his wife,, Her & my husband agreed that our daughters can no longer see each other, & I do not want that to happen they have been best freinds since they were in preschool I do not want my mistake to affect them in anyway at all they will be going to the same school for the next 3 years & I do not think it is fair, I know what I did was not fair to them or to our spouses & I am beating my self up for it, I know I was wrong & i never meant to hurt anyone,, I really did not mean to it happened one time & that was it, yes i had feelings for him & we ended it before any more feelings could come about it.. I just dont know what to do & I dont know how to get past this I feel so bad for hurting so many people he says he has forgiven me, but I dont believe him & it tears me up that he is blaming himself, I cant eat, drink, sleep or get it off of my mind at all, I will have to live with this the rest of my life & I dont know how to mive past it, I will get to see her everyday & that will be a constant reminder of my mistake i made.. Has anyone been in a similar situation ??
How do I get past this ???? How do we get past this... PLease do not judge me I know what I have done is wrong & i face up to it I told him & i have to live with it the rest of my life I just dont know what to do

First, it doesn't "just kinda" happen.

Do not for an instant hide behind this lame reasoning. You were not forced into it and you did not stop it. Figure out what you were seeking in this episode.

You and your H get into some counseling right away. The MB counselors are well regarded, locals may be well suited.

You must completely cut ties with the other family. No compromise. None, zero, nada, zilch, zip. Period.

Bring your husband here to read and post. You have your work cut out for you, but success is achievable.

I Am not asking to be judged or trashed I know what I did was wrong & ai m not excusing it at all i just dont know how to mive past this I am beating my self up he is beating himself up & I just cant see past what a horrible mistake I made

Huh?

You can't move past this without finding the real causes.

"kinda happens" is an excuse.

What are the reasons for the horrible mistake?

Good counseling can help you figure that out. You HAVE to figure it out.

WAT

Hello rach1977,
welcome to MB.
Take one step at a time, okay ?
You and your H will have to talk a lot to get through this.
Read up on the MB principles on the MB website, there's tons of good information there.
But you'll need time to process.. even when you just want to "forget" or "erase", what happened, happened, it won't go away. It can be healed if you are willing to take the time and the right steps to do this.
Keep posting my dear.

what is your question?

How do I get past this ???? How do we get past this...

you don't GET PAST it ... you move through it and you suffer because of it

and you look for the lessons

and you own it

... enough?

Pep

Rach,

It may seem as though you are getting beat up but in all reality you are getting guidance.

Nothing you say here is unique. It has been heard before and the advice is always the same. It just takes each person a different amount of time to come to the conclusion.

For instance this statment you made.
"I know I was wrong & i never meant to hurt anyone,, I really did not mean to it happened one time & that was it, yes i had feelings for him & we ended it before any more feelings could come about it"

Did you not think for one moment that it would hurt your H? Of course you knew it would. What did you mean to do then?

Now I don't want to go to far into this if you are going to feel attacked. If you would like good advice it is here for you.

The A happened for a reason you need to figure that out. You are still in a fog which is fine and normal. People will help you get through that.

Everything you have posted is normal but your thinking may be a little skewed right now is all I am saying.

The question is both how do I help him get thru this, how do i get over what I did

are you in a hurry?

there is no fast relief known

there will be suffering & hurt & shame & there will also be moments of insight & healing

do not look for the fast & easy road

it does not exist

Pep

"How do I help him get thru this? How do I get over what I did?"

--Show sincere apology and remorse every day

--Start MC and IC right away

--Read everything on this sight and take the EN questionaire with your H and start applying what you learn about each other.

--Read Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs and have your BH read them too

--Be totally transparant...help him to feel safe by letting him know what you are doing and give him access to your emails and cell phone

--NO CONTACT EVER...No, your dd cannot be friends with the OM's dd any longer. A bitter price for your dd to be paid for your actions, but nothing good will come out of continuing that friendship. I cannot imagine why OMW would let the friendship continue anyway. I sure wouldn't.

--Send a NC with your H to OM.

--Think about your gorgeous children every day and what kind of role model you want to be for them.

You can do this rach. I applaud your courage to confess to your H and to come to MB to seek help. This is not an overnight fix...plan to work hard at recovery efforts for at least a year before a sense of "normalcy" sets in. Expect a rollercoaster, some days better, some days horrible. Allow your H to feel and express his pain. Listen to him. Do NOT justify your A in any way. Repeat often how wrong it was and what a horrible mistake you made. Work on being a wife, mother and person that your kids can be proud of and want to emulate.

Blessings,
Glad

Okay Rach...here we go.

First off...get your husband on here. Let those that have been thru this help him. You have NO IDEA what he is going thru...and what he will go thru in the near future. So, both of you please come here and start a dialog.

Second, if you have the funds, then contact Steve Harley on this website and get counseling thru him. He is the expert...and is great with coming up with a plan.

Next, read Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair." Also, "His Needs, Her Needs." Have your husband read them also. It will go a long way towards helping you guys figure out what is happening here...and what to expect.

On a short note...while you may think some here like WAT are bashing you...they are not. Other former Wayward Wives (FWW) on here can testify that we are tough on WSs for a reason. You see, if you cannot figure out why this happened (and it did not JUST HAPPEN), then you cannot fix this and move past this. this is what they are talking about moving THRU this!

We can help you with this. But you need to open up here and let these fine folks help. And be prepared for some harsh realities.

The deal here is that your adultery is 100% your fault. You must own it and find out what it is/was in you that allowed this to happen. When you speak with your husband concernign this, you cant go "well, I made a mistake, but..." There are no buts. You made the mistake...and that is all he needs to hear on that.

He will be on a rollercoaster for awhile. He will be angry one minute and depressed the next. It comes with the territory! Just be there for him. Keep reassuring him. This is all YOU can do.

Others like us and a good counselor (pro-marriage...not all are pro-marriage) can help him get thru this. He will nto be able to do this alone!!

Neither will you! Some great people will come on here to help you. Some of them are FWW's. Listen to them! They have been in your shoes. And many have survived this and have awesome marriages now.

So, there is where you start. And keep dialoging with us. The same with your husband. This will not go away overnight. But, as they say...how do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

But there is hope. Honestly!! But the road will be hard for awhile.

In His arms.

Look...no one is going to beat you up....

You and your husband have a separate and distinct pain right now. You need to deal with yourself before you can help him with anything. In fact taking care of YOUR issues and owning it will help him immensely.

This will take years to deal with. That's right, that "little thing no one would ever find out about" will take years to "deal with"....there is no quick fix.

Face teh consequences...

1. This COULD cost you your marriage

2. You and your family can not have any contact with this family, that is right, you may need to move to save your marriage and you have some serious discussions to have with your child...the truly innocent victims here are the children.

3. That it will a very long and difficult process working THROUGH this.....

look at others here, read their stories....you're not that unique....not all all...


good luck to you....read my story...anything can happen...

rach -

The past can’t be changed, you’ve got to keep moving forward. You can survive this. You have a long road ahead, but all you have to do is one step at a time, one breath at a time, one second at a time. Right now, deal with your health and anxiety. You must find a way to become calm in order to think clearly and make good decisions.

See a doctor, get tested for STD’s, ask if he/she would recommend something for your nerves, see a therapist (IC -individual counselor), ask if he/she would recommend something for your nerves, if you didn’t ask dr. See an MC (marriage counselor) who is pro-marriage. If you have a pastor or religious leader you trust, you might be able to counsel with him/her. You're in a crisis - find out what your resources are and use them.

Keep posting.
God bless,

Rose

Rach1977,

If you want to get through this with your marriage intact and happy, you are first of all going to need PATIENCE. It is likely to be in the order of years before your H feels at all settled or confident in the marriage - can you hold out that long? That may seem like a long time, but the miserable fact about infidelity is that it casts long, long shadows, and undermines the deepest foundations of the marriage. You may not want that to be the case, but the blunt truth is that even a casual One Night Stand is likely to rock a marriage past its load-bearing weight, and what you have done is far bigger than a ONS. This is a time to learn how to deal with anxiety, and how to mitigate guilt by learning from your mistakes.

Second, you have to separate out your H's neglect from your affair. One did not CAUSE the other, do you understand that? The state of your marriage may have caused you sadness, but it did not ENTITLE you to be unfaithful to your H. You had a responsibility to your H and to your children to keep your promises and not endanger your marriage, your own life and that of your H (this may be an awful thought, but you should now have yourself checked for STDs, as will doubtless have occurred to the OMW. No matter how distasteful the idea, the chances are not nil that the OM has cheated on his wife with others beside you.)

Thirdly, you need to find out what it is in yourself that has caused you to act as you did (and blaming the state of the marriage is not the answer, see above). That is a long and painful task, involving difficult self-examination and soul-searching. Are you up for that?

If you are, there are many here who will help you.

TA

rach1977,

Hi. I am a FWW, 4 months into recovery. I'll try to offer you support and guidance, but there will be no coddling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />.

If you stay on this forum, I guarantee you will feel as if you are being attacked by the BS's on here. We call them 2x4's. Don't do what I did, get defensive. Just read the posts and remember, these people have been through what you are just beginning. You don't need to respond to every post. You DO need to open up your mind and heart, let these people help you.

As much as you may believe you truely understand/comprehend what you have just done to your H and your family, to your OM's wife and their family, you don't have a clue - yet. As much as you think you are hurting right now, believe me, it's just the burn. The burn will fester, open wide, get infected, hurt like he11. It's up to you to make it heal.

I couldn't find any evidence of withdrawl in your initial post. I'm guessing this is because you are still in guilt-shock. That's my own terminology for being in such a guilt-ridden mode, that right now you can't focus on anything else. Hold on tight, 'cuz withdrawl and fog are right around the corner.

As everyone else has already told you, slow down girl, take a deep breath, 'cuz this is no quick fix. READ, READ, READ!! Everything on this website, and as many of Dr. Harley's books as possible. This is just my opinion, but if you believe in Dr. Harley's prinicples, and you believe they can save your marriage, you need to subscribe to ALL of his principles, not just the ones that strike you as the easiest or will involve the least amount of conflict.

When you start having fond memories of your OM, post me, you'll really need help then!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

KJ

rach

Welcome,

You have received some great advice - the most was from pepperband - although sharp - right on the point - there is no fast fix and there will a lot of pain - you dont get over it - you move through it...but you can come out on the other end strong, changed and having a great PROTECTED marriage...

There will be VERY big ups and downs from your husband, and you have to be strong and weather them...you have ripped his heart out...and he needs time to piece it back together...

On my signature is a starter's guide for the Former Wayward Wife that will get you started.

1. Make sure you tell your husband EVERYTHING he wants to know - half truths dont protect him - be honest and get it out.

2. Your daughter's best friend's father is a no no - you will never have contact with him again...this means if the daughters do things together - your husband and his wife can make arrangements - NOT you - any contact you have with him - will make recovery harder for both you and your husband...this is a concequence...sadly - it also means it may have put strain on the friendship of two 10 year olds.. You may have to deal with your daughters anger towards you to...at 10 they aren't dumb.

3. Figure out why it happened...this wont be quick or easy...at first you may blame your husband...keep those blames to yourself, as they aren't true...but every FWW goes through this process...and it will help you go through - but DO NOT share those blames with your husband...start to look at those blames and see where YOU are to blame in those situations...what you can control and what you can change...you might see next that it was your needs not being met...and this was partially your fault...but the next step is to go FURThER...yes needs can go unmet - but many people's needs go unmet - what in you allowed YOU to cheat??? This question is essential - look at co-depency, esteem, coping skills - leave no rock unturned...and when you think you found something - change it.

You will also hit a point where you hate yourself...remind yourself you are changing, you did a horrible thing, but you can prevent that from happening again...and you yourself aren't horrible...it's hard not to think you are a piece of crap when everyone around you reminds you that you are...(your husband, friends, etc)...but remember - what you did was horrible...not you and focus on changing that....

HANG in there...and focus on YOU - that's the only way to move through this...give your husband what he needs to heal and be there for him...remind him you love him, and you are sorry whenever you can and MEAN it!

Four years since my A....two+ years into recovery and my
BS still has hard days and me too...PATIENCE newcomer. PATIENCE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The positive side is that you have been honest NOW and you have ended all contact with OM...and are ready to work on your M and support your BS through his pain....forever!

As to you...
Figure out why you didn't alert your H that you felt attracted to OM. That's when the lie began, not the moment you acted on it. Why was it okay to lie to him about your feelings?

As to him...
Radical Honesty. Lots of PA, SF...and housework. Then be sure to fit in his favorite recreational activity (assuming its not one of the former <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />).


Oh, and dont forget to investigate the difference between your unhappy M and the ACTUAL cause of the A which was your reaction to unhappy M/poor treatment.

Good luck.
Keep posting.

Hey Pep,

You think and talk like me, it's scary! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rach,

On the kids being friends thing it is a killer. My kids had the same issue with my wife's affair partners kids.

Unfortunately, tough as it is, for the good of your family that relationship has to end.

It sucks and is unfair on the kids but it is the wages of adultery.

I will see if I can get my lovely FWW to post to you.

Rach,

You asked
Well, the short answer is really you don't get over it, and you cannot help him get through it in the sense you are thinking.

You need to realize that you have destroyed your old marriage, Oh the buildings are still standing so to speak, but there is NOTHING inside now.

What you are about to embark on is a rebuilding project. You have heard from BS's and FWS's alike and if you read closely they are all telling you the same thing. Give this lots of time, have a lot of patience and realize that you have no clue what you have truely done as yet.

There are some steps you need to take the first and most obvious is deciding if you want to remain married to your H. You think you have made that decision and perhaps you have but it will be tested.

Next and perhaps the hardest is figuring out WHY you made the decision to do what you did. Several people have mentioned this to you. You probably don't understand why we all think it is sooo important. As you can see your H is taking the blame for your A. He is wrong in this although he can and should stand up for his role in the marriage BEFORE YOU decided to have the A. You see it was YOUR decision, he was NOT consulted was he?

Why does he need to know the why? Because he is going to have to make changes within himself. He is going to have to understand how to protect himself from you making such a decision again. He cannot do this until you understand why you decided to handle things in the manner you did.

Here is something else. YOU need to know why, so that you can address the decision making and coping skills you decided to use in addressing issues in your life and marriage.

Next step will come with time and that is a change of perspective on your part concerning you, your feelings for your H, your concept of what love is, and the reality that you have triggered within your H huge issues of self-respect, self-esteem, and feeling like a failure. You did choose another man over your H and gave him your body and your emotional being. Takes awhile for the BS to figure out how to stay in this situation and retain any self-respect.

Another step, sit down and figure out what you do like and love about your H. What are his strong points, what aspects of him do you respect and start to focus on them.

You don't realize this but you cannot heal your H. He is going to have to do this himself. You can put some ointment on the wounds so that the scares aren't too bad, but he has to do the healing.

You will find as you address your issues, as you learn to be radically honest with your H, when you understand the policy of joint agreement, POJA, that your respect for yourself will grow. You will find as you listen to your H talk about things, as you talk with him, as you two read the information here and discuss things you will grow.

You will find as you understand the concept of love busters and especially the concept of the disrespectful judgement, you will grow.

In short with knowledge will come comfort. With knowledge will come power over yourself and your life. With knowledge you can rebuild a new marriage with your H. It takes time, but take the time to acquire the knowledge, you will not regret it.

If you read these things you will understand better what Pep and others mean by "getting through" it rather than over it. You AND your H will be changed by this. The only issue is whether or not the changes will be for the better, if they are for the better you will be amazed but you must undergo (go through) the changes that come with insight, and learning.

It is all here for you, use it.

God Bless,

JL