I need help, I have been married for 4 1/2 years, He went on a golf weekend and got drunk; he doesn't normally drink and said his judgment was off. The OW that set up the golf outing, they talked a lot b/4 he even went to this outing, they had an affair the night that first night of the golf outing both got drunk. He said it was easy to call her and hook up after. He said he was in a bad place, he was stressed out and we were both working a lot and not taking time for eachother. she lives 2 hours away and within the 2 years they met about 20 times, text messaged & would basically get together for sex. I feel like I have been stabbed over and over and over. I can't stop thinking about how long this lasted - why even bother when it is 1/2 our marriage. He ended it so easily the day I found out - He said he was happy it was over, he was sick about it and of course doesn't know how it happened - the usual- How do I really know it is over? - I caught him b/c she left a message and I picked it up b/4 he did, He lied about everything for about 3 hours and tried to get her to lie with him but she wouldn't say anything one way or another so he confessed - He lied about how long it lasted till we went back on phone records. currently I check the phone records and I know where he is most of the time, We started counseling with steve and going to Church 3 times a week, It has been exactly 1 month he has given access to phone, offered to change no. and I check records every few days, He could easily have called her from other peoples phone I know that, He says he will do anything anything to make this right, He doesn't want a divorce, he obviously doesn't want anyone to find out and he will do anything to prevent it. He is the best husband now - it is like when we were dating, I just have this gut feeling people don't change and he will go back to his selfish life in time, I feel like he is acting like this b/c of fear and guilt - He is begging for one year and if he hasn't changed (being selfish) and I am not happy then he would leave. I think... there are no kids; I am 29, have a great job, great education, great family, great health, and I keep thinking I know I could find someone that really would love me and not betray me like this, I don't know if anyone can help me out there but I am praying for that. I just want the pain and the tears and the thoughts to stop. I can't do my job good, I don't want to do anything and nothing makes me want to live, I look forward to nothing and I try to get through day.

I posted on just found out and got a few good questions and suggestion to post here for more help,Sorry so long but someone asked is it over, I never had a plan a or b, once I found out he called her and that was it , No contact ever, I read on here and it doesn't make sense to me - if he is lying I can't seem to find out, I have searched phone bills online that show every call in, text and call out, checked records, every text message, every place he goes and can find no evidence of this girl contacting him or vise versa, one reason she might not be calling is b/c I threatened her job since she works at hotel this originally happened at. I am not even sure I can get her fired but I wanted to at first, I wanted to hurt someone. She is single mom and is probably afraid I will in fact call and tell HR what happened,,, it has to be against policy and maybe that is why they haven't talked since he told her it was over and to never call him or contact him again,

i wanted to get her fired just for the fact that no one should ever have to feel this pain.
Then I think what would Jesus do, not take revenge so I don't.

I want my H to feel some of the pain I feel. I want his family and friends to know what he did soemtimes but like I said b/4 I don't know how to hurt him without hurting myself, I tell and I'm also hurt, I leave and I am also hurt, I can hardly go to work and have this need to communicate with him every few hours, I find myself looking at other women thinking would he like to have A with her, I never did this, I feel he hasn't had consequences, NO one knows, He keeps golfing, living and the only thing he gave up was his 3 day "golf trip" although not at same hotel A happened and not where she works b/c they go to different destination every year he doesn't go. I think Big freaking deal, I think of a semi truck coming over in my lane to hit me and end this misery EVERY day and he misses a 3 day golf trip, BIG deal, he has changed for the better but they are things he should have been doing before, going to Church 3 times a week, Spending time with me, Again I think he has not had any consequences for his actions and it just bothers me, In fact it seems like his life is better now, How is that fair; and then I go back to I can't hurt him without hurting me.

I am up at 2 am racking my brain, looking at phone records again and again, I have real work to do and I can't concentrate, I am behind on everything - my life keeps falling apart more and more- and he is sleeping like a baby, Dr. Steve has counseled with us each week and it is our hope along with God of course that we can get through this, But then I think do I want to get through this, 2 YEARS 2 YEARS (only married 4 1/2) , If I didn't catch him would it be 5 years; 10 years; 20 years;

I need help. I know if I had kids what I would do, I wonder did we not have kids b/c we are suppose to just dissolve this and start fresh; If he is willing to live OPEN book, and when I stay out of town 2 times a month he is having his sister stay at our house (since we have dog kennel we can not both be gone without much fuss and work) he comes with me and stays at hotel so he is not home alone, He has nothing that is secret but I read everything on here and I KNOW they lie through thier teeth, the night he told me "truth" wasn't whole truth (mainly about how long which was confirmed by cell phone bills) so how do I really know if these 2 are talking ?
He might not have time to go to see (b/c of how far she lives too much unaccountable time) her but if she drove here they could meet, without trust how do you know what is really the truth, what is really going on - he says he doesn't miss that "*****" ; in a sick way he said he is happy I found out; he is happy it is over; how do I know if I should believe him or IS he just telling me what I want to hear.

- I just don't know what to do each day doesn't feel worth even getting out of bed, I don't look forward to anything and I hate life, I was always a postive happy person