Sorry I am posting this in the Infidelity part of the forum, but it gets the most traffic and I need your input so much now...

I used to be a memebr of this forum a couple of years ago, when I discovered that my xh had an affair. In spite of me trying to save this marriage, it ended with divorce (there were other issues involved).

I recovered mostly from what happened, came to terms with the fact that xh had been lying to me even before we married and there was never a real chance to change things.

I am in a new R now (one year living together) - SO was divorced as well at the time when we met each other. Things were not very easy from begin, the usual issues - my kid, his kids. I hoped very much that we'd manage to solve those issues and be happy together. Unfortunately everything changed so much ca. 2 weeks ago, when my SO stated that he thinks he's not in love with me any more. I am 100% sure there's no A in this case (and I know it rings bells for many of you, but this time I'm sure). He spends all the time after work with me or the kids, I have access to e-mail accounts, mobile, etc. So I came back here, because for me it was the best place to talk about relationships ever.

SO says he wants to fall back in love with me, because he doesn't want us to split. He has a number of his own issues - regarding his job and the fact we both live in another country than we were born in (we have the same nationality). I am guilty of reacting in the usual wrong way - crying, crying, crying... I am so very very hurt, because this time I hoped that the relationship is going to work. It had many strong points, SF, recreactional companionship.

I don't know what to do now. I printed out everything I found on this website, and I hope he will be willing to read it. I guess I am failing at satisfying his needs, but his main complain about me is that I'm too clingy, that I do too much for him, that I try to take too much care of his problems. I thought that was the way to make things work, because among other things that was what helped my last M to fail.

I don't even know how to go about it now. We're not married (we planned it, but under current circumstances it will be at least on hold), but my DD treats him like a Daddy. She was very small when I and her Dad divorced and he chose to have no contact with her, so she basically doesn't remember him. If my current relationship ends, she will suffer very much. And I am still in love and love my SO and don't want to lose him. But I also don't want to be hurt like I am now and be a doormat.

Maybe somehting like Plan A would be the key? To make being with me fun again? He still says he has lots of fun when we go out together. One of the major problems is that when we spend time with his kids there are usually only conflicts and fights (because he refuses to discipline his kids at all - trying to make up for them having to cope with divorced parents).

I'd be thankful for any comment.
Gosia

Following Harleys suggestions for "Affair Proofing your marriage" should help your marriage, but it sounds like you have some real issues with the way he does things, and he may have some with the way you do some things.

The MB solution seems to be to do the things that make you fall in love, then once you are back in love work out the problems you have.

If he won't work with you, you don't have much. You can try plan A and see if it creates more love so that he might be willing to work with you, but you really won't know until you try it.

Many here who's marriages fail express that they won't consider being with someone unless they get committments up front to be married the "MB" way. IN other words, their partner must buy into it right up front, show they understand, and make real effort to live the 4 rules for a successful marriage.

Do you have a copy of Harley's books "His Needs, Her needs" and "Love Busters, Habits that Destroy Romantic love"?

If you don't, it could be value to you to purchase them, or check them out of a library and read them.

What are YOU thinking you need to do?

SS

I'm so sorry you're in this position (((((((((Gosia)))))))) and I what I have to say is not going to be very comforting. I think the first book you need to look at is "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders".....because living together before marriage creates some very difficult dynamics and habits that make walking away at the first sign of boredom so much more likely!! All relationships pass through the honeymoon stage and get to a place where "passion" isn't enough....and the real work begins. If you're married when that happens....you have some added incentive to work at things because walking away is often much more complicated and expensive. In a "living together" sitch....after the biochemistry of infatuation wears off.....it's less cumbersome or unethical to simply move on to the next thrill.

Also....I'm sorry....but living together when children are involved is terribly unfair to the children. Like your little girl, they can become very attached to the SO and don't understand the "temporary" implications of that kind of an arrangement.

In your sitch....you especially need to get control of your emotions and control the lovebusting and crying. There is nothing at all attractive about either one. I hope with all my heart that you can turn this all around and enter a more permanent and binding union that creates the kind of commitment that has a greater hope for stability and sucess. Research shows that couples who live together before marriage are far more likely to divorce even if they marry.

In this case.....I actually think living apart, dating and then not living together again until you can both commit to marriage is a reasonable choice and one you might consider.

hugs!

Good post Star -

SS

this is why I don't advocate cohabitation..kids get attached and can get hurt when the dating/live in leaves or the R ends.