AAAAAAAARGH!

I am JUST beginning to calm down after a CRAP afternoon and evening. Now, as you may know, I sent STBXH my PBL letter on 30 December, and part of it was that he's not to come to our home and property unannounced, and he is not to enter the house without knocking or being allowed in my me. I had to send him the letter AGAIN on Feb 22 because he let himself in one time when the boarder was here. And a couple of weeks ago, when I received the D papers, I wrote to him that the conditions of the original letter still stand. Anyway, today I started to compose an e-mail to him, listing everything I need from him to begin this settlement. I went to the filing cabinet to look for the file that's got all our important documents in it (marriage certs, birth certs, baptism certs, passports, the lot), and it's GONE. Just... GONE. The last time I looked would have been about two months ago, and the file was there. So I ask my daughter if she's given the file to her father, or allowed him in. She says no. I ring up S16 and ask him if he took the file on his father's behalf. He says no. I go see the boarder who used to live with us, and asked her whether STBXH had come any other times other than that one time when he let himself in and freaked her out. She said just one other time, when he took some things out of the little flat we have. So by this stage it's clear: HE CAME TO THE HOUSE UNBEKNOWNST TO ME - MAYBE EVEN LETTING HIMSELF IN - AND TOOK THE FILE. I ring up the atty to find out how to write this bloody email I'm going to send him so as not to be judged "unstable" when we get to court. The silly atty (his assistant - not the one I normally deal with) is asking me why he would take my passport, why he would let himself in, why I don't want him in the house, and when I explained that he'd threatened our daughter, she's asking why he would threaten our daughter... all this stuff that I CAN answer to the people here because you all know what it's like to deal with an insane WS, but CANNOT answer to her because there IS no answer that will make sense to any sane normal human being who has never been in this position.

By the time all this has happened, I'm hyperventilating and have used up my entire vocab of swearwords in six languages. I go to collect the email and find this from STBXH:

"Hi RT,

S16 told me you asked whether or not I had him take any certifcates for me from the house. I have not asked the kids to take anything for me.

I am guessing you want the red genealogy folder with the certificates and passports. I do have it. You have asked not to go to the house unannounced or uninvited and I don't. There have been times . . 5, 6? months ago when I rang (I think I spoke to D18 because you preferred not to talk, can't remember really. . ) to say I was coming and got comics, books, other "things". . . and my genealogly things. Sorry, I inadvertantly have both your and S11's passports. I hope I have not caused an upset. I will remove the genealogy stuff this afternoon and send the folder home with D18 tonight. . .

. . . if this Ok. Let me know if you need it sooner. If you are looking for something else let me know.

Thanks,

STBXH"

So I take D18 aside and say, read this email, is this what happened? She's confused. She gets upset, I get upset, she starts yelling at me. Says that maybe she DID give him the file. She left in a great big huff, and I read the e-mail again. I rang her up and said, "Your father says that he told you he was coming, and he got the stuff. Did you let him in?" She said no. That's all I needed to know. Regardless of what he'd spoken with D18, he still came without MY permission. She says that just before her father rang her up to find out what was going on with me, and she mentioned our boarder, and he said to her that he'd been here "several times" when the boarder was here. More lies. He said this unaware that the boarder had already told me he'd been here a maximum of two times while she was here. More lies still: in the email above, he says that he doesn't come unannounced or uninvited.

But that's beside the point! HE CAME HERE WITHOUT BEING ALLOWED IN BY ME!!! HE TOOK MY PASSPORT!!! There was nothing "inadvertently" about it, he KNEW that stuff was there. WHEN was he planning on returning this stuff?

So I sent off my request to him, and added the following:

"Thank you explaining the fate of the important documents such as our marriage certificate, sealing certificate, birth certificates, baptism/confirmation certificates, passports and so on. Nonetheless, regardless of whether or not I would have “preferred to talk”, the documents were still in the filing cabinet for a considerable time after 30th December, and I would like to refer you to my letter on 30th December 2005, in which I wrote, “Please do not come to the house or the property unannounced, and do not enter as you did on December 24 without knocking or being allowed in by me.” And again on 22nd February: “Please respect my earlier request and do not come into the house without being allowed by me, or come to our home or property unannounced.” And again on 8 June: “the conditions of my letter on December 30 stand”. Please return these documents as soon as possible, as they are very important to me. If you would like copies, I would be happy to make them for you. Similarly, please let me know if there is anything else you need or want, and I will do my best to accommodate you. Please do not come to our home or property unannounced, and do not enter the house or flat without my express permission."

He sent the file back with our S16 tonight. I feel like, as they say in Argentina, "the demons are taking me away". My sister says I should ring up the police and say, "My STBXH stole my passport", but I won't. It's been returned, but I've had enough. You know, it's like Dobson says: this is all about lack of respect. Lack of respect prior to the A, the ultimate lack of respect in having the A, lack of respect for boundaries, lack of respect for feelings, privacy... Has this man EVER respected me? I mean REALLY. Sure there were never any outward signs of disrespect, but the way he's behaving now makes me wonder whether he ever did. And you know... I have this huge bloody integrity chip implanted in my brain; I am a respecter of privacy and space and boundaries, and I have NEVER checked his pockets, or his wallet, or opened his mail, or looked through the stuff at work (although I'd have every right to, seeing as it's my business too), or gone to his new home and had a poke around... and he does THIS to me?

Low, low, low, low, LOW. He is a LOW man, and I am absolutely LIVID.

You can swear in six languages? You rock!

Whew..

Well..I feel better. How about you?

I had a rough night at work..and even though this doesn't apply remotely to my rough night..it still did the trick.

So thanks for venting I'm off to bed.

Venting by proxy..who knew?

Aaaahhh yes, it's one of the blessings of being brought up in a multicultural society. And actually... it's probably closer to eight or ten. At any rate - enough to get me into trouble in more than one country, and save me from trouble in my own home.

GRAAAAHHHHHH!

I can only swear in 4.

RT, this really $ucks. What a violation of your privacy. I've had nosy roommates, unstable visitors, etc., in the past, and here's my solution:

1. You now have evidence of just how low STBX will sink, and that the kids will get entangled...

2. So, new locks on all doors. Most importantly, on your room, where the files are kept, put a combination padlock on outside of the door. Don't give kids the combo yet.

3. Tell kids that you will give them the combo if there is an emergency--all they need to do is call you. (See, with the combo lock, you can give out the combo, and get a new lock the next time.) Tell them it is for their own protection, so that STBX cannot lie and say they gave him access.

4. Count your blessings that you got everything back, and now have more evidence that the D is the right thing. STBX is clearly not the H you married, so you're not really divorcing H, just the nutjob that replaced him.

5. Keep venting!!! Otherwise your head will explode. Can you teach me some new swear words?

Hi RT,
It's hard to say anything that will help when your feelings have been stomped on like this.

I can't seem to swear in any language. Is that good or bad?

I'm a guy, and as you may know, we guys like to fix things. Usually part of the reason for posting here is to vent in a safe environment. Part to get advice. I am pretty sure this one can't be fixed.

If he breaks the law, you can have him charged with a crime. Beyond that, there may be little you can do to keep him out of your home.

We don't know all the reasons he does the things he is doing. Is he flaunting you on purpose? Is he just doing what he thinks is necessarry? Does he believe he is justified? Is there a procedure in place for him to collect items that really do belong to him?

If this has not been worked out, or if the procedure feels cumbersome to him, he will continue to try to get around restrictions. He may continue anyway, even if your requests are reasonable, and really, what can you do?

“Please respect my earlier request and do not come into the house without being allowed by me, or come to our home or property unannounced.” .......................You know, it's like Dobson says: this is all about lack of respect. Lack of respect prior to the A, the ultimate lack of respect in having the A, lack of respect for boundaries, lack of respect for feelings, privacy...

Has this man EVER respected me? I mean REALLY.

Probably your last question was retorical - but can I examine it?
My answer would be that at one point in time he probably did respect you. It is written of King David: ".........David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite."
(1 Kgs. 15: 5)

Although his (your husbands in this case) adultry has blotted out the good he has done, he may very well have respected you and loved you.

When I read your posts it fills me with sorrow for your pain, but I sorrow more for your H. I have high hopes for you, but little hope for him. God hates the sin, but he loves the sinner. We know from the scriptures that he weeps for those that are lost.

Someday if you endure it well, you shall triumph over all your foes. All of them - including your own personal demons.

Perhaps when these things happen (and I am sure they will continue from one source or another) it would help to keep this scripture in mind.
Gal. 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
24 And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the aaffections and lusts.
25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

There is little I can do for your H, except pray for him. Perhaps one day he will seek out God again, and be healed. I hope he will.

You are here though, and we can communicate with you. My concern and reason for writing is that YOU may heal.

"Livid" does not much help a daughter of God who desires to be filled with the fruits of the spirit........ and please, I am not judging you, I am reaching out trying to help you heal.

Please think on this a little bit. There is more we can discuss (related to this) but only when your heart is ready for it.

Please forgive me if I offend, it is never my intent.

SS

merde

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

YOUR passport is YOUR property

not his

he stole it

Pep

...and because your passport is issued by the federal government, taking it from you no matter what the circumstances, is a federal crime.

If you really want to be a crab about this, you can report him to the police.

You may now have evidence to get a restraining order against him coming into the house at all.

Thanks, everyone. Feeling better today.

Iamanotherone, wouldn't you know it, I have JUST changed all the locks in the house. Everyone's been at me to do it since he moved out and I didn't. Lesson learnt! Anyone here who is hesitating about changing the locks - please! Don't lock the gate late because that horse can BOLT! You're right, he is not the person he used to be. Between what he said in the email and what he said to our kids about this yesterday, he was just contradicting himself SO much with his sticky, tangled web of lies that it was patently clear his integrity and honesty have gone AWOL.

SS, you are the angel on my shoulder. Thank you for helping me see things another way. You know... I don't plan on staying angry. I come here to vent, as you know, but by and large it's just me here, wrestling it out with my Father, asking for help most of the time, and singing "I'm trying to be like Jesus" when my feelings get away from me and I want to re-focus. But I can genuinely say this is the very first time I have been angry since STBXH left. To clarify: anger might be my initial response to something, but I have learnt to look past it because of the knowledge that anger is the great masking emotion, and usually covers sadness and fear. So now that I'm trying to be a more evolved person, I deal with anger by dealing what is underneath it. But this is the very first time I was angry, through and through. No sadness, OR fear underneath it. This violation of my rights, my privacy, breaking the law... I was indignant! He has NO right. It's true I don't deserve it, but NO ONE deserves this kind of thing. I reserve the right to set a boundary and I reserve the right to not have it trespassed. And it's like someone on 4060 said the other day: she can't understand this kicking the person while they're down. They have done the worst they can do in having an A, why do more? Why do they keep on with this cruddy behavior? So yeah. That's basically it. I don't intend to indulge my anger, but I need to get it out first. I won't get it out in a way that harms anyone, and I won't let it poison my soul. Promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, the respect issue is a new one for me, but without going into details, I now have reason to doubt. Certainly he *seemed* to respect and honor me, but there were lots of little things that I'm looking at a different way now. And now that he is in this enraged state (thanks to his guilt), there's all this stuff he's bringing up that tells everyone he wasn't OK with what was going on at the time, but he was keeping his own counsel and not just that, but shoring up resentment as well. Just because he didn't speak up, doesn't mean he RESPECTED what I did and said, and it came out in little ways, all through the course of our marriage, and what do you know? Now I've got this whacking great BIG show of disrespect in front of me.

Pep and Cat_lover, indeed he stole my passport, and my sister says I should report him. I don't think I will - after all I have my passport back - but should he trespass the boundaries I've set, the consequences will the immediate and sizeable.

Sigh... thank you all. I'm now going away for a few days and plan on not devoting ANY headspace to him at all!