You can see the short version of my story in my signature...
DDay is 3+ weeks out.

H has gone from wanting D to saying now he does not know what to do. H is still at home, we have not told anyone about this situation. H calls OW every night and is still txting who knows how much during the day. He doesnt try and hide this from me.

I have told H where I stand; that I want to try and salvage our marriage and that I love him. H goes back and forth w/OW and myself. How long do I let this continue? Cake-eating can't last forever, I know that...do I give an ultimatum? By this date you need to choose? I am so sad and confused right now...

How long do you let this go on?????? If that is a serious question... the short answer is... stop it NOW.

Read up on this site.... so a lot of reading today so that you are prepared to talk to your H very soon.
Even better, call the Harley's immediately.

Expose! Expose! Expose! Put this A in the light of day and it will die. Is the OW married?

Please take immediate steps to prevent further damage.

Thanks mkeverydaycnt...

Help me with exposure--- to whom? Family, friends, OW??
OW is not married, she lives in another country 1600 miles away (and yes H insists she is not using him to come to the US)...i have OW phone #, but don't even know her name.

Any advice much appreciated!

Please see my prior posts here...looking for help.
Thanks!
MPELE

Not sure where to start. Perhaps you should share more details. This is obviously not his first A. What happened the first time? What steps have you both taken in order to prevent this from happening again?

what is YOUR goal? And why? If your answer is "I want to save my marriage" I would seriously ask yourself if you are prepared to live a life of uncertainty - constantly worrying about where he is and what he is up to. this is his second A in a short amount of time. he is prepared to dump his wife for a woman who knew for only 1 week, and she lives 1600 miles away. your H has serious issues that need professioanl help.

I am not saying that your M can not be saved. anything is possible. but you need to seriously ask yourself what the cost would be to you - emotionally, and spiritually. And what would the cost be to your child? Do you really want to teach your child that it is Ok to be treated this way?

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson?

I am so sorry that you are going through this!

Thanks for the reply Faith... more detail for you...
First A was shortly after our 5/2002 marriage...OW was 20, H was 34...I exposed to everyone in the world, A fizzled after 6-7 months. Major major mistake was that we completed some cursury IC and MC but quit...I never got over the A and became very bitter, depressed and angry,,,then turned to alcohol to 'cope' which only made things worse. H wasnt perfect, but did attempt to make amends; didnt go out anymore, spent time with family, gave me all passwords and emails...but because i didnt heal or forgive, we continued down a bad road in our marriage. I knew we werent happy, but in no way did I expect A #2. Maybe i was naive but this just threw me for a loop.
My goal is that I want to save my marriage...I love my husband and I think underneath all the garbage and baggage we have both heaped on this relationship that there is love there and there is hope. Am I prepared for the ramifications of staying? Honestly right now I don't know...

Okay, I will probably tell you some things here you do not want to hear.
I would let your H know that his days of treating you like [censored] are over. MC is an absolute necessity and condition for continuing your M. IC is also in order for your issues.
How did your H meet the OW? Exposure to her side is difficult because of geography. As for his family and your family... expose away.
Your failure to forgive is wrong... BUT IT WAS NOT THE RWASON HE STUCK HIS PENIS IN ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!! Repaet that about 50 times till it sinks in.
More likely than not there have been other A's that you have not known about. When you see one roach... there are 50 of them behind the walls.
What does your H want??? Really want? It's time for the two of you to have an adult conversation. Perhaps in his condition he is less able to do that right now. However, you do not seem to be coping very well... so the first step here is to work on you. Do things to make YOU feel better... starting with demanding respect. If your H wants to have an A... you can't do a friggin thing about it.... but you can decide how you will react. Insist that he respect you and cease all communication with this woman. If he doesn't... you at least know what you are dealing with here.
Read all that there is to read here and call the Harley's. It is my suspicion that your M may not be worth saving... but I am not the one in love with this poor slob.
So, stand up... be counted and start that process today. You deserve more than this.
Yu can let your H know that his actions are harmful to your M and that they will not be tolerated for even one more day. Take the first step here towards recovery... either for your M or for you... but I guarantee you that if you stand up today and do what you can to stop this mess... it will be hard.. but do nothing and things will be even harder.
So, start by reading and calling the counseling center at MB.

"MPELE,
Sadly, it sounds like this is a way of life with him rather than a one time error of judgment. The question then becomes: can you change him? Can you change him into a monogamous, committed partner who is honest and devoted? You haven't even been married a year - this is the time in most marriages when couples are the most in love. And you are dealing with this.

My heart breaks for you, but if it were me, I would cut my losses NOW rather than continue with someone with whom a normal marriage was contingent upon a DRASTIC personality and character change. Can you envision living like this for the next 20 years? Or dealing with this when you have 3 kids, no career and a mortgage? Because that is what you are probably facing if you stay in this marriage. "

[color:"red"] Above is a post from ML from 3 1/2 years ago. Your H has cheated over and over again. It may just be time to cut this jerk loose... it is my suspicion that you will be dealing with this again and again.... have you been tested for STD's again??? [/color]

Ack. sigh. What is wrong with me that I can't see H for who he is...a selfish, narcissistic serial cheater?? I know I need to work on those issues because there is something very very wrong inside me...
Am I able to deal with it because i know how unhappy we both were? Is it easier because when i think about it i believe if i had been tempted i would have done the same thing? Or have I just become a glutten for punishment in this marriage??
So many talk about the WS being in a fog, but I feel like I am in one right now.

dated 5 years, married 5/02
12 yo D

Is he the father of your daughter? 5 + 4 = 9 not 12

WAT

There is nothing wrong with you... you are just trying to love and be loved.
I was with a serial cheater and liar for years. I left her and must tell you that my son and I are happier now than we have ever been. She was abusive (she makes your H look like a choir boy) and a horrible mom in many ways. I was convinced she was my world and if I just tried harder I could make it all okay. I was so wrong and wasted far too many years putting up with her.
We all have things we need to work on. What is wrong with you right now is HIM. Send this putz packing... spend your time raising your child... become whole and healthy and then you will find someone worthy of your love.

WAT - No H is not DD bio father, but the only one she has ever known...she is his princess. They are very close, i cant imagine her reaction to all of this. Obviously she knows something is up, but we have not sat down and talked to her about anything yet.
Mkeverydaycnt...thank you for your words...i know what i should do, its just so dam# hard TO do it....

WAT

""dated 5 years, married 5/02
12 yo D

Is he the father of your daughter? 5 + 4 = 9 not 12""

WAT, all those science courses really have paid off! I am VERY impressed!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

I am of the opinion that repeat BSs automatically exit the MB infidelity principles.

It is very sad that your daughter and he are so close.

I recommend you read him the riot act > end the affair AND agree to a post nup agreement that gives you all marital property in the event of another affair AND commence counseling immediately. Period. If he won't agree, send him packing and divorce him now.

JMHO

edited for krusht - yuk, yuk, yuk

WAT

Thank you WAT - - I was thinking about thr riot act on my lunch just now, actually...to demand the A end and go to MC and if either of those are a 'No' then so is our marriage.

MPELE - I am so sorry. No one deserves this abuse. I can tell you, though, that there IS life on the other side. A good life.

WAT

MPELE,

To have an Affair 4 MONTHS after your marriage is a HUGE red flag right there. Now there is A #2 2 1/2 years later?? Or could it be A#3..or #4???

PLUS....HE CALLS HER EVERY NIGHT????? Sorry for yelling, but come on...snap out of it!!

Life is wwaaayyyy too short, my dear.

IMHO

kirk