Well folks I though that it was going to work out but here I find myself again. She just could not give what was needed and I of course could not force her to do what she could not understand. She has hurt me s much but I still do not really want a D. I understand that from her side that a D is the only option. I will just let her go but I will need help. What is reallt bad is that despite all of this she will not be moving out untill she can find a place to stay. She wants to move to a location about 100 miles away and I really hope she does because it will just tear me apart to see her around and not with me. I guess all I can ask for is support from those who have been through this. How do you get over someone who you thought was the love of your life? How do you do it fast? I really know that I need to be over her before she can decide that she wants to try again because I cannot take this again. I will write up a Bio so everybody can know my story. Please I really do need your help, now more than ever...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

There is not much you can do if the W says she wants a D. My ex wanted a D, when he had his sexual affair. He didn't love me and only her. We tried counseling, it didn't work...for he only thought of her. I filed D when there was physical interaction from him. I filed the next day knowing that he only wanted a D all this time. He no longer has the OW, she dumped him. Giving you a very short synapses. When your spouse doesn't want the M, doesn't want to really work it out, there is nothing you can do to change their mind.

Now you have to work on yourself...find happiness with yourself. I believe for her to move 100 miles away is good for both of you. With counseling we had my H was here in our house and would not move out when counseling told him to. I was so torn inside. Now that the ex lives very far from here...things are much smoother. I believe you will find the same. When the one that you committed yourself to is in the same city...it hurts. You see them at the grocery store, or on the street driving, you wonder what they are doing. When they move distantly, you wonder, but in time that wonder starts to leave.

Get yourself involved in your church, a community situation to help out, volunteer where you can. This time is for you to work on yourself and find out what makes you happy. I finally did this...and found I love going back to college. For I am in college fulltime. My ex would not allow me to go to college, I tried and had to dropout. I took an art class and found real enjoyment. I am very active in my church and work there parttime in the daycare center. I work parttime for a contractor...and love working with tools and building. I read my Bible everyday, I write in my journal everynight, I am fixing up the house which was never finished through the marriage, and even built a garage by my being the contractor. I have learned so much about myself, and that I am one organized individual. I love to have organization, which my ex would not allow it to happen. The latest thing is that I took golf up. It is a fun sport, challenging and I am really loving it.

Just trying to show you that you will move on...find yourself and enjoy yourself. Talk with your W tonight. State your serious thoughts and basically express yourself nicely. No lovebusting, just talk and listen.

Good luck.

Try going to counseling for yourself.It is helping me. You don't really understand how you end up in a bad relationship until you look into your past and how it sets you up for ending up in these types of relationships. Clearing things up will help build a better foundation for the future.

LIH gave some great advice.

good luck

I certainly will be going to counseling for me. I had a rough childhood (ALL forms of abuse). I am beginning to see just how dynamic and complex my problems have become. I have just in the last week realised that I tried to cope with trauma by creating an emotionless shell. The problem is that the little 3rd grader then had no reason to grow up. Over 20 years he stayed in the shadows of my mind only coming out when things reminded him of his pain. The trouble with him coming out is that he is so angry and fast that I only sometimes can stop it before it happens. I also have come to believe that there are many other "divorced" sides to myself as well. Some are mearly bit players and others are far more sinister. All of these sides are me, just me at different ages/emotional extremes. I am not trying to make any excuses for my part in the demise of my marriage just explain how i helped bring it to be. After all they are me. I know that I really need to find a GOOD counselor. I just have no Idea how I will pay for a good one.

hello,

I have been lurking in the messageboards for a little bit now, but reading your post crxnut - made me sign up and become a member.
I am in a rather similar situation as you are. Just wanted to say that I feel for you and send you a hug.
You got some good responses and seem to know what to do to get out of the funk. I wish you all the best for your future and if you need support this message board is def. the right place to come to,

hugs, minnie_mouse

If you have no kids, let her go. You'll find someone else. Don't make her pay for your ex's faults, but you will love again.

Read books on coping with divorce. It's going to take time. She may wake up someday, but don't count on it. I've been waiting for my ex to wake up still, but it isn't happening and I have allowed her to rob my children of my presence by not contesting her in the divorce.

If there are no kids, you've lost nothing. Believe me. There someone out there who will appreciate you. Follow the advice people here have given you. It isn't what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

I know I will get over this. I just wish that she could see what she is doing to herself. She has already told me that she does not know why she is doing this. I told her to be careful and not make the same mistakes that she did before. With her moving to her sister's place I know she will be drinking and partying pretty much every night. I told her that what she wants to do is up to her and that moving away was a good idea but maybe moving into that situation was not healthy. She told me that it did not matter because her life was over anyways. I know we have to divorce. I know I can go on but she worries me. I know that she is no longer my concern but my love will always be there and being that she wants to remain friends (VERY badly) I worry about her despite all of this. I just don't want to hear from her years down the road and find out that she gave up on herself and flushed her life down the toilet. I would like to hear that she has worked out her issues and has made a happy life for herself. I doubt that the latter will be possible with the way things in her life and family are set up though. I just pray that she can stay safe.

Start doing the things that you like to do. Although my heart was broken many years before I decided that divorce was the only option, I was anxious about my future. I could still work, take care of the children, and survive, but I'm the kind of person who needs to thrive.

Enroll in a course at a community college. I took sailing. You will meet people, and hopefully enjoy the class. The nice thing about a class is that it is structured. All you have to do is enroll and attend. Not much planning or organizing to do, and hopefully, it will be fun.

If you can afford it, travel a little, camp, hike, bicycle, snorkel, whatever, also visit some relatives. Do things that will bolster your self confidence. Some might say these are diversions, but you want to better your feelings about yourself. You may still feel a pang when you think about your ex, but it will subside.

Thought I should add this after reading your last reply. Unless she may harm herself, try not to think about what she's doing. She'll take care of herself as will you.