Having issues with W. She has had no intimacy needs for almost 5 years from me. For 3.5 of them, I worked real hard at sustaning what I could by meeting her needs, though mine were not. Often times ridiculed for having them. 2-3 times a year, my advances would be accepted, and a physical release was given. No passion, feelings... I finally looked up the term "molest" and reealized, it fit my advances pretty well. She was not interested, and I would continue to persue. I never forced anything, but ocasionally she would give in. A year ago I stopped. I WAS molesting my wife. Unwanted physical sexual advances were occuring. I felt rejected for years, which eventually turned into feeling like I was "molesting" her trying to keep a spark alive.
Now I am questioned about any thing I do. Last night I drove to look at cars with a friend after she had gone to bed. She is pissed and acted like I was out prowling for sex. This is going on anytime I do something for myself.
I think she is losing her mind. She wanted no physical relationship with me. As soon as she gets it, she is suspicious of everything I do.
What do you think is going on here?

If I understand you, you are no longer engaged in a sexual relationship with your wife, and have stopped asking.

If that is correct, I assume she believes the reason you stopped asking is that you are finding your sexual outlet outside the marriage.

The line of reasoning might be running like this:

"For three years, he was asking. Now he has stopped. Why is that? Maybe he has something on the side."

From her point of view, this is reasonable (although not fair to you, certainly). Have you tried choosing a fairly calm point, and then telling her that you are not cheating on her, but would like very much to have sex with her and want to work out a plan where that could happen?

This strikes me as a good opportunity for counseling for you both. Especially before you have started looking outside the marriage.

Regards,
rs0522

I have sought counseling. Thats a big part as to why I am still sane. She brushes it all off and says that things will change someday. She will not discuss it. I have had a heart to heart with her. No preasure, just dialogue. Two years ago she said that she will work on it. She is either lying, orthinks ignoring it over time will flip a switch, and we will pick up where we left off.
I dont know how that will happen, as I don't know how to touch her. My own wife that I love dearly.

In your counseling, have you gotten a really great advice on boundaries?

On being open and honest...safe and respectful?

Sexual Fulfillment (SF) is an Emotional Need (EN)...not a physical one. Reading Harley's His Needs, Her Needs, could help you better understand and communicate to her what you are asking for is for her to join you in this EN, not do for you.

Communication exercises, knowing her ENs and eliminating your LB's goes a long way to a fulfilling relationship.

When she says that things will change someday, do you ask what is behind her belief? What she is working on in herself? What she desires to have in the marriage?

There are many great articles here on this website...links are to the right of your screen...

Take heart and hope, TB...

Welcome.

LA

Very familiar with sight. I have been trying and applying techniques for almost 3 years. Have referenced other materials also. She views this as my problem. Dead end.

Let me see if I truly get this...

Your wife refuses marital counseling, will not have sex with you, will not talk intimately with you about her thoughts, feelings and beliefs...and you have been studying, defining and filling her love bank for three years without progress?

Do you guys have weekly R talks? What needs does she fill...and how intimate are you both...?

Pressuring her is your perception...asking for honesty and giving it, daily...practicing radical honesty...you're doing all this, correct? And you've been doing this for three years...

Is she having an affair?

LA

Now there is a question to ponder. That may have crossed my mind a time or two.

Pondering takes too long...time to snoop. Are you fighting to save your marriage? Then find the truth of your marriage...

And while you're doing it...since you've been in Plan A (somewhat) for three years...why not do more O&H drive-by statements?

Opennes and Honesty...stops your feelings of betraying yourself...making her happy at your own expense...creating and building resentment...we do this even as we love...O&H could help you and your marriage.

I just wrote about it to 1of9's thread.

LA

I have not spoke up with hinesty when wronged loke I should. I guess I was afraid of loosing her. I cant lose something I dont have though. Thanks for listening.

Speaking up with O&H statements are not when only wronged...they are sharing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs because they are yours...and you're worth sharing.

Intimacy is knowing and being known...so you do your part; which opens you, upholds you and gives you a way to flourish which is not dependent on your partner...

You were afraid before...that's before. How about now? You can be afraid now and act O&H, anyway...you can...which tells your Self not to fear...you cannot control keeping or losing...that is our partner's choice. We can only control ourselves...

Tricking ourselves into being brave by believing we have nothing to lose actually backfires on us...because then we must be tricked into being brave...being honest goes both ways, inside and out.

What we do for ourselves, we'll do for others.

Your wife is present...she is in your life...I'm asking you to focus on yourself, retrain your brain, and thrive.

That's how marriages thrive.

You can do this, TB...you are valuable and worthy. You are.

LA