I dont know if I can take this anymore I really dont, He keeps blaming himself, & I dont know how to make him stop & blame me, There was a letter that the other mans wife found, & she showed it to ny husband when we all met at the park, I had not told him about it, It said Ilove the way I feel when I am around you & when you held me.. Please know this only happend one time & I came out & told him about it.
He keeps asking if I had no feelings for the guy why did I write a letter to him & if I felt so bad why did I write the letter to him.. I keep telling him I dont know why I did it & I honeslty dont know, I wanted an reaction from him I guess & I told my husband that, he says not a good enough answer... My husband has been faithfull on the sex part but not emotionally, he admitted to me the day after I told him he had had feelings for another girl, at his old job after we were married & he quit talking to her after she asked when he was leaving me for her, he says there was no sex involved or kissing or anything but that he did have strong feelings for her & it could have happened, I do not believe him but I am not going to question him on it either.
Yes I have been treated like crap the 9 years we have been together, but me doing this is not his fault.. How do I get him to see that this was my doing not his... He says he cant blame me & I dont understand why.. He says that if he had treated me better I would not have went else where, this was a 1 time thing & I stopped it as soon as he started to insert in me.. I could not go thru with it my husband even asked other guy if that was true & he told him yes... & It is true I got up & left... HOW CAN I GET HIM TO STOP BLAMING HIM SELF????? it is killing me on the inside, I can not sleep, i can not eat or drink, I cant think straight,I amnot trying to make this about me But I hate seeing him like this, & I dont know how to handle it or what to do

You can't rach, except make sure you tell him how sorry you are, how you do love him, and how it's not his fault and then WORK on you and why it happened.

Be there for him, comfort him, and I know it's killing yourself to see what you have done to him, but you have to be strong - imagine the pain he is feeling to.

It's the hardest thing you will ever go through - be pateint with him, be strong...and be honest no matter what.


Rach...can you get your husband to come to MB? I think this place would help him ALOT

i wanted to add,

Understand your husband feels like a failure, that he let you DOWN (imagine that when you are the one that strayed) - he feels like he couldn't even keep his own wife happy enough to stay and love him...His self esteem has been put under your shoe.

This will take A LONG TIME for him to overcome...and every FWW has to watch her husband go through this in recovery - it's what produces the overwhelming guilt and shame FWW's deal with as everytime you look at what your husband is going through you are reminded of what you did to him...

As we said in another post - PATIENCE, REASSURANCE, and your OWN recovery to preventing this will be key to your husband's healing...

Are you really listening to your H?

Have you acknowledged his feelings?

This is what A's do to people... you can't change how he feels, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

What are you doing to make your H feel safe?

I cant even get him to go to counseling with me & he dont want me to go alone so there is no way I will be able to gwt him on here

Also - this is like an I'm sorry but...makes the sorry almost invalid.

I highly doubt your whole 9 years have been crap...Have you looked back to remember the good things? Have you looked at him you may have MISSED the good your husband was doing? Like providing for the family? (thats a way men show love) Have you looked at the things YOU have missed?

You didnt' marry him for nothing...I challenge you to look for all the good you have missed in order to only focus on the crap.

Your husband hears these comments when you says it's not his fault - as you dont REALLY mean it's not his fault when you follow it with a but I was treated like crap...

The only thing you can do is reassure him, love him and LOOK AT YOURSELF to change...

I have never told him he treated me like crap he is the one who said it... & yes there was 9 years of being treated like crap... Almost everyday i was belittled, judged, called names & was not allowed to go out with freinds while he was out every night...I was yelles at cursed at everyday, He is not the only one who works... he does not help with the kids & i honestly cant remeber time that was good out of the ast 5 years...

OKay - he said it - but did you deny it - did you help him see the good times?? Or did you agree he had.

Hun - before, during and right after my affair - my husband was an [censored] in my eyes - he wasn't even there for me when I had major surgery and was in the hospital for 6 days and at my moms for a month - he ran his own business that was failing, and chose to stay home sulking, trying to save it from his best friend who was stealing it then come be with me...he ignored me alot, he didn't do a thing with me, never did the chores, and never helped me with the kids...when I brought up problems, he told me I was crazy and insane and yelled at me.

Here is what I have learned...We were in a reactive cycle that I could have stopped anytime had I known better.

My husband believed that as long as he provided for me, made sure I had all I needed, that was showing his love for me...his dad did it for his parents...he never realized what I needed, and to be honest - I just expected him to know, and when he didn't know I got mad and critisized him, which made him withdraw...I never "talked" to him...I said - I feel this way cause you did this...I never just expressed how I felt without finding a way to shut him down...NO WONDER he went to his corner and never talked to me...

Was this all my fault? No - but neither of us KNEW better...we thought we communicated - heck I talk so much - I thought I had communication mastered...The truth was - we were horrible comminicators and we reacted.

My husbnad got nasty to me in defence to me. Sure I didn't call him names, or belittle him, but I nagged in subtle ways, I brought up problems while critizing how he handled things, I pushed my POV on him until he caved so I felt understood.

poor man - I NEVER respected he had feelings and an opinion too and that even if we didn't see eye to eye - it didn't make one of us wrong, that each of our views were valid.

The thing is - when i was feeling as you do now, I picked out EVERY fight or down part in our marriage and focused on them, twisted it to look good for me and bad for him...and it became my new belief to my soul.

ONLY when I started to look at the GOODs of my husband, and the GOODs of our marriage did that come to light - how I had twisted everything to say I had 7 years of ****** and neglect with this man.

Your husband probably felt he was doing what he thought you needed for love...and has just realized he was doing the wrong things, and feel as if he is a big failure.

And you AGREEING with him is not helping your recovery, or his.

LOOK AT THE GOOD - LEARN HOW YOUR HUSBAND COMMUNICATES!! GO OUT AND GET LOVE BUSTERS, GET SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, GET HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS.

Even if he wont read them - YOU need to be the leader then and you need to get out of the rut you are stuck in. Take onwership of yourself, and stop looking at what your husband didn't do for you...look at what YOU didn't do.

I am only saying this from expereince of being and feeling where you are and being 19 months out of my affair...

I tell him it is not his fault that I do not blame him, I have never agreed with him that he treated me like crap... NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!! I tell him you didnt treat me like crap...
I am about ready to give up

Rach

Do you want the marriage? Do you love and want your husband? think deep on this one.

And if hte answer is yes - then think about what he is going through...I am not minimizing your pain- I have been in your shoes - the burden on your shoulders is immense...but you made the choice...and right now he had NO clue how unhappy you were, and it has been shown to him through betrayal - he feels angry, betrayed, his world has fallen apart, everything he thought was - isn't - he feels he has failed everyone. YOU CAN"T EXPECT HIM TO LISTEN AND BE OKAY WITH YOU YET!

You had time to build resentment, a case, a story - and you have been part of your affair, you have a picture. He has nothing and he is struggling to grasp at the why's??? He hasn't even gotten ANGRY with you yet - that is even worse than this point!

IF YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE then get a spine and face what you have done, and weather the pain your husband is going through...

Rach,

Relax and breathe. A couple of posts up you mentioned 9 years, your last post says 5. My WW said 10 at first, now it's down to 1.5 - 2 depending on the mood she's in.
From what I've read here it's normal. You are getting great advice here, Dorry is one of the best, please follow it. Recovering from an A is a monumental undertaking and will take time, a lot of time.

One of the biggest blows for your H after D-Day, which was/is the biggest blow of his life, was probably the letter. You will have to dig deep within yourself and find the answer to his question, as painful as it may be. "I don't know" is an unacceptable answer. Now before the 2X4s come out I also know this is the only answer available right now and will be for a while. When you have the answer give it to him, but ask if he is ready for it first, please don't just drop it on him.

Honesty and openess are one of the most important keys to making your M work and rebuilding it, they are the foundation of the marriage you hope to build. Your M will only be as strong as the foundation the 2 of you put down.

Keep a log of his questions that you answer with "I don't know" and write the answers as you get them and let him know you haven't forgotten his questions and will answer them when you have the answers yourself. This will go a long way in helping him regain trust and open up to you. It will also let him know you are serious about this.

It really will get better and the more you invest the more you will receive. Good Luck!

Just talked to husband he said he is not upset with the sex thing.. He is ok with that becasue I did stop it.. He is upset with the letter & the fact that I possibly had feelings for the other man... I have told him over & over it was not like that & that if I had feelings for him That I would be upset that I can not see him or talk to him & I am not upset at all by that fact... I told him I wrote the letter for a reaction, to feel wanted, to feel pretty, to feel sexy, to feel like I mattered to someone besides the kids.. I got no response from the other man & i was fine with that.. he says it is an accepatble reason.. Was I right by telling him??? My husband does show me attention but negative attention, he shows me affection but its more like i dont know how to explain it grabs me in public all the time does it in front of his parents, my parents stuff like that I have told him I dont like it & it does not do any good.. I even woke up this morning with his hands down my pants, I do not like this kind of stuff & i have explained it to him. I even told him this morning see this is what I am talking about & I was told too damn bad I am going to have to deal with it. & i guess I am.. Was i right in telling him the reason why I wrote the e-mail to other man ???

You dont like this stuff as he isn't filling your need for affection first.

You really need to get a copy of His needs/her needs and YOU read it atleast...and if you can get him to..It talks how affection for a woman and sex for a man go hand in hand.

My husband was alot like yours...I would wake up to him getting it on with me...he now realizes that the little things throughout the day he does to show me his love, a touch, an embrass, an email, a phone call....if he wakes me in the middle of the night - I am very accepting now as I am in the mood from all day...

You are VERY right in being honest with him about the email.

Your husband doesn' understand why you dont like him to touch you in public or wake up to sex...men and women for the most part dont understand how different eachother thinks...your husband is showing you he LOVES you with these things that make you feel bad! And he feels rejected everytime you get upset about it orcritisize it...which probably then leads to him angry - you feeling misunderstood and both of you feeling crappy.

You rejected him in bed this morning - he took ANOTHER huge blow....You need to understand that for MEN - sex with their wives, is just as HUGE of a need as you need for attention and love...you may even find if you give him what he needs, he may give you what you need.

You can find way of telling him, honey I love to make love to you - but can we try some cuddling or love first - that sort of foreplay gets me in the mood...Seriously - MEN dont understand this and it's YOUR job to nicely, and without hurting his feelings, let him know that need.

I expect you never have done that in the past, and react often like you did this morning...that reaction was not productive to the goal of changing your marriage for the better.

You can do this Rach <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but you gotta really read and learn how to speak and work WITH your husband...and right now - rejecting him - makes things harder. I am not saying do it..I am saying LEARN how to talk with him and bring up YOUR needs without rejecting him or putting up his defenses...

Sounds like lots of work, but with that work...you will be happier as he will react different TO you.

I think you were right in addressing why you wrote the email. But, I don't know if that is the real answer, and your husband will likely question it for a long time too. I would find it hard to believe that "...I wrote the letter for a reaction, to feel wanted, to feel pretty, to feel sexy, to feel like I mattered to someone besides the kids.. " Did you really think all that when you wrote the letter? Your husband may really wonder if you wrote it because you actually felt like you loved him, and this will probably haunt him for a while.

I look at your stated reasons and think to myself that you probably did write it for a reaction, and you were probably disappointed when the OM didn't respond in kind with words of love. And then, I see the rest of your statement as justification... to feel pretty, sexy, important. My view isn't necessarily correct, I'm just trying to give you a picture of what your husband might be thinking. The only way to really know is to discuss things with him.

Radical honesty... if you want your husband to recover, and yourself, you'll need to be completely honest about everything. If he detects ANY dishonesty, it'll probably make anything/everything you say meaningless to him. And if you look at your posts above, there is evidence of at least a little dishonesty. You've claimed X years were crap, and then you've told him just the opposite. Isn't that dishonesty?... not to convict, but I just wanted to point out the obvious. I'd look long and hard at the prospect of radical honesty and decide if you want it or not.

If you feel that X years were crap, then so be it. Put it on the table for his consideration. But, also ask yourself how true it really is, or if it is simply an attempt at justification. Whatever... honesty and openness are paramount.

I wasnt looking for love from the other guy, I really wasnt
it was nothing like that it happened 1 time for like 20 seconds at the most, not even all the way in me... Just started & I told him I cant do this... It is the real reason I wrote the letter,
Husband wants me to sit down with him tonight & tell him the things I want out of this marriage & I dont know what to tell him, I have no expactations on his part at all, I dont know what I want from the marraige ****** I dont even know what I want for my self