About a month and a half ago, my wife left me. We had an argument that morning. I was angry that she hadn't gotten out of bed yet. I had to go to work and she needed to get up so she could take care of our 15 month old son. She got upset with me because, and I admit to this, I was rather mean to her about the whole thing. Anyway, when I arrived home for lunch, she had all of her stuff packed up. I confronted her about this and she told me she was leaving, because it was clear to her that "we weren't good for each other." I stayed home for the rest of the day and the day after, even though she offered to stay so she could watch our son until her parents could come pick him up for a few days. I told her that if she was going to just leave, and for such a silly reason (in my opinion), that she should just leave. We argued some more, she stated how she hadn't been in love with me for quite some time, and that the "spark" just wasn't there anymore. We had been arguing quite badly for months, by this point, and she just decided, out of the blue (though now I'm sure she had help in coming to this decision), that she needed to get out of a "bad situation." So she left.

My D-Day was 4 days later, on a Friday. I had been fine that entire week, feeling as if this were just a minor setback that would eventually be fixed, once we had some time apart and were able to discuss things. Anyway, her computer was broken, and I told her I'd fix it. I snooped around. I admit it. I've had gut feelings about her infidelity for quite a long time, I just always gave her trust and the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn't have. I found a chat log on her computer. She was discussing with him what they'd do next time she went to visit him. I confronted her, and found out that this guy wasn't the only guy she'd had an affair with.. over the entire past year. She had even had sex with one of my best friends (he had just gotten out of prison - he felt incredibly guilty about this and still apologizes to me over and over again) THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE MOVED OUT - that was the reason she was so tired that morning and wouldn't get out of bed. Anyway, there were many men in her past year and even a couple of women & threesomes. It all came out, because I wouldn't let her hide anything from me. She told me that she lied to me about the affairs in order to "protect" me.

Our marriage, you see, had been rough for some time. Ever since about the time our son was born (March of 2005), she'd been distant and withdrawn, addicted to an internet game and always talking to her internet friends, to the exclusion of almost everything else. Her sleep patterns changed drastically - she never was asleep at night - I was always in bed alone. I had found out that she was heavily flirting with a guy online (if you call phonesex flirting), back in September of last year. When I confronted her about that, that was the first time she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore. She also started saying that she wasn't really interested in sex at all anymore, once her sexual appetite seemed to totally vanish.

For a week in November, she vanished to Florida, saying she needed a chance to "spread her wings and fly free" to focus and find her love for me again. It didn't seem to work. Things just got worse, our arguments just got worse. It was at a large convention in February that she started her longest-running affair, though I don't think it was her first. Ultimately, though, I didn't know about any of it until after she left.

She's been gone for a month and a half. She hasn't been able to keep a job for more than 2 weeks in over a year. She's already slept with at least 4 other people, she's started doing drugs, and she's even told me that she's interested in another guy, one who lives in Minneapolis (hundreds of miles away from where we live now - one of her internet friends). He spent over $500 on her when she went to visit him a couple weeks ago, and has offered to give her more money to visit him again. I think she's using him, maybe unconciously, and she thinks it's love, but ultimately I'm afraid she's going to get herself hurt, or worse.

She says it's definitely over. There is no remorse or regret in her voice, though she tells me that she has expressed such to her close friends. She tells me that she doesn't want me back, that she doesn't want to be with me. She says she's happy (with no money, a car that's falling apart, no job, and without her son... I don't know how) how she is now.

Should I just give up?

I would suggets that you immediately get checked for STD's and get a paternity test done on your 15 month old child. I doubt she has told you the entire truth. She is into drugs and having sex with many men. See an attorney immediately and make sure you legally get sole custody of your child. She is destroying her life. Do not let her destroy your life and your child's life. See an attorney NOW!

Well, to be honest, I've thought about the paternity test. But the two years we were married before he was born were very good, both emotionally and sexually. We were together all the time, and our marriage was very happy. I honestly don't believe that she was unfaithful before he was born. I'm not afraid that the child might belong to someone else. I'm more than confident that it's mine. Besides, even if I found out he wasn't mine, I'd still take him and love him. He's already been in my life too long for me to abandon him like his mother has.

I have, however, been seriously considering the STD tests.

I take it you don't think there is any chance for the marriage?

Bryanp is right about the STD and paternity test. No matter how happy you thought your marriage was before, you would not be the first one to be surprised.

If you guys didn't have a child I'd strongly urge you to punt. She has been lying and cheating for at least two months, if not since September. It will take a lot of work to get her to come back, to say nothing of being able to trust her again, forgiving her, and resolving the issues that gave rise to this behavior.

I would suggest you close all joint accounts and credit cards...if she wants to go it alone, then let her. Regardless of whether you want to work on the marriage or not, you should not allow her to damage your family's finances.

I would also suggest that you contact an attorney to find out what your options are. Since she's run off, you have a good case for spousal abandonment, which I've heard usually leads to sole custody - especially if she is using drugs.

I'd suggest that you get a copy of Surviving an Affair, and read as much material on this site as you can find.

Finally, please repost on 'General Questions II'. That's the most heavily trafficked area of the site and you will get a lot more - and better - advice than I can offer you. Be prepared - most of the folks there won't sugarcoat anything, but they do have the best of intentions for you.