LA im over here now.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3052320

I haven’t give up yet just very frustrated

Well I am not an experienced MB but I have been reading for months.

I believe one of the most important steps in Plan A is Exposure as it's your srtongest tool to stop the affair.

Please expose to everyone you can that can help stop the fantasy.

Is she also working to meet your needs?
Does she want a Divorce or did she say she wants to rebuild the marriage?

Exposure I believe should be your next step. She'll be angry but it will help kill the affair.

But is she already in the opoen with him? The affair is not a secret anymore? Do your kids know what's going on?
For how long is the situation at this? When was your d-day?

She leaves the 13 and 15 yo take care of your other 5 children???
How old are your other kids?

This is not a good heatly behave. She's a SAHM?

Maybe you should post under the General Questions II, much more people posting there.

I am sorry you are here. Be strong. You will find great people to give you advice and support here in MB.

I going to start the exposure today.

Shes to much of a mess to even meet her own needs right now. I dont expect her to meet mine. I hope that will come in time. I can wait for her.

She says she wants a Divorce then she says she wants to seperate. i dont think she knows what she wants. see above. She does say consistently that she doesn't want the afair to end and we can no longer work things out I'm getting a steady stream of "I'm Done" from her.

I'm not looking forward to the backlash of exposure but it needs to happen I cant protect her anymore she's making it imposiable.

The afair is out in the open we both know what each other knows. We beat that horse last Saturday and Sunday.

I havent told the kids. But there smart they know somethings going on. Especially the older 4.

I've know about the other man for a few weeks. I got it out in the open last weekend. im assuming D-day is discovery day.

I've been reading the boards for a few weeks now. im not 100% on all the acronyms. is there a list somewhere?

yes Kids at home. Shes never more than 5 minutes by car away and carrys atleast 2 cell phones and 4 batteries.

11 down to 2.5

We should have never moved into that bigger house an hour away from my job. Job gets to suffer now as financial just went to the bottom of my emotial needs list and is not on her top 5.

SAHM ? not sure of the acronym but.Stay at home Mom.douh yes
i know this cant go on very much longer. Mother inlaw is starting to catch on as She sat the kids while we were on our weekend away.

I think I'll keep this thread going for a little while here as im really looking at plan A plan B stuff right now and looking for a little advice as to when should i go from one to another what kind of time frames and what and how tos of the plans. If it dies ill move.

Thanks

Thinking getting better. Not much sleep though.

I’m prepping for final choice. Cut of contact or Plan B. Getting mutual friend onboard letting the rents, both sets, what’s going to happen sometime over the weekend. What used to be her friends are going to get personal phone calls shortly after.

I’ve already taken all of next week off so there’s one minor blessing.
Its amazing how things can work out. I’ve ignored my job almost the entire week and somehow have still gotten more things done than in the last month.

Please update on exposure...how it went...

Stay present in your choices...exposure first, elminate LBs, working out helps getting to sleep.

Harley says a rough estimate is to Plan A for six months, then Plan B for 18 months or so...

Individual mileage may vary.

Defining your Plan A, what it means to you and what it consists of helps in actually doing it...

LA

I wish I could do 6 months in plan A. I dont think she'll let me. I confronted her and she's still seeing OM. I cant take her climbing into bed a 5:30 like nothings going on anymore. (when she does climb into bed I give her a 45-60 minute massage before I have to hit the shower and leave for the job at 7:30 (I dont think I was ever pyhsical enough for her) she enjoys it and I enjoy making her feel good not a LB but at least an even trade. I get the expected "I love you but im not on love with you anymore". Working on 2 hours sleep now. Trash truck will be here at 3 that means the youngest will be sitting on my head shaking in terror. Theres goes any sleep tonite. Atleast I get to know someone needs me.

First, there is no letting in marriage...it's an illusion. And one that feed fantasy instead of reality.

You choose Plan A...until you choose differently.

You need you, 1of9 (and can I say, I am flashing to Star Trek with your name)...LOL

You don't stop needing yourself...and your focus is not on WW during Plan A...it is on you, the truth, and your truth.

Exposure is sharing the truth...an act of living in truth, living honestly.

So is Plan A.

There are natural consequences and logical ones. Know the difference. Natural consequences of her affair is that your children do not have their mother present...sometimes in body, but not in mind or priority...she is choosing to commit adultery, to come to bed at 5:30am when she has little ones up early; she is choosing to run away from her real life and into fantasy...which is what OM is...not real, pure fantasy.

Your job is to not get in the way of her natural consequences and to impose logical ones. Boundaries.

Exposure first...then the boundary of no contact...any contact continues the affair...marriage is a two-party contract; when one spouse puts another person ahead of their marriage, that's adultery.

It's about choices. You cannot control her in any way...you can only control your boundaries, make choices about your marriage...treating it like a union separate from either one of you...where you will honor the marriage when you don't want to honor your WW.

Cake-eating kills marriages, too. You can Plan A separately...I don't advise asking her to leave until everyone knows of her affair. Have child-care in place, arrange for taking care of your family while your WW is on this drug...be strong, true and honest.

Know your intent...boundary enforcement can feel like retaliation, punishment for bad behavior, when it isn't. Intent matters.

You are focused on saving your marriage...Plan A is not being a doormat, which would be you being untrue to yourself, adding to your pain with more betrayal...know this.

Plan B is living separately and going completely dark...don't confuse living separately with Plan B.

All these warnings come from my experience...not that you are confused...I was.

Believe in yourself and your marriage until your WW can do that for herself. Choose only the actions you will not resent...resentment is a wayward state of mind...love yourself well and you will love others well.

I think I'm spinning from being tired, too...and remembering trash trucks at 3am over a decade ago...after moving into our first home, a couple of blocks off main street...and hearing the trash trucks woke me up in terror and I called 911...guess that would be the adult equivalent of shaking in terror on your head.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, and I was a MOM.

LOL

In your corner,

LA

Logical consequences are when you decide what your priorities are...

Lat week end with the wife I layed out my plan A and let her know all was up to Negotiation except No Contact. I think I had about 20 ideas down on in my Journal and another 20-30 came up for negotiation and we reasoned them into dust. She wont go for NC and my stomach cant handle much more. Ive droped 35 lbs in the past 3 months. Id like that but I wasnt trying to lose weight.
Sory if im rambling but it helps me keep from crumbling in the corner in a mass of tears.

I'm a big supporter of rambling...even in public, 1...

You layed out your Plan A?

Wha?

:::shutting my jaw:::

And all was up for negotiation but No Contact? And she didn't go for NC? And you told her to leave?

You're on the Infidelity Diet...works wonders and NO ONE wants to repeat it...

Talk to me about exposure...why you are dodging it, even here, and what you feel about it...

All WS's say they want a divorce, to separate, and that they're done. They say it...I don't see it much. Saying is easy...taking conscious action tends to let reality into their fantasy.

LA

i didnt tell her to leave but let her know what I thought the next step would be. ie She's got to move out and we have NC.
nice diet seems worse than my wessnile diet.

Dodging exposer to try to protect. yes i know thats wrong. and yes I know it has to be done. Starting towmarow ive got eight peps lined up for my water works. once best freind, my rents her rents, 3 peps from church. once best freind im warning he might have to be the go between. hes a good guy i think he can handle it.

i know they all say it. it just seems to real when its in your own face and your not reading about it.

more to come i need a break back in 20

Thanks for the banter. I needed it to help me stick to my resolve.
Ive got 3 hours before the trash truck shows up and should try to use it for sleep.
whe the 2 1/2 yo clams down and the Truck is gone ill be back. once im up im up no point trying to lay back down.

I have spent the past 4 hours reading your thread to refresh.
Very helpful very informative. I haven’t finished but will over the next few days. I hope he’s doing well.
I have a much better grasp on what needs to be done now and over the next 4-6 months and for the rest of my marriage which should be decades.

Which thread? Who's he? I lost meself.

There's meditating, breathing, calming yourself, and clearing your brain.

How is exposure going today? I know you understand you are bringing reality...choosing to live in truth.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? His Needs, Her Needs? Both by Harley...and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend?

Knowing where you end and she begins is part of becoming two whole people in one union, not completing one another, enmeshed, disrespectfully.

She chooses...you choose. She is choosing to continue...and after you expose all over the place...then you wait and see what she chooses.

Have you been doing O&H statements? Openness and Honesty...helps you to not feel like you're betraying yourself through this time...I suggest driveby O&H statements...where you only use "I feel" and "I believe" to share what you're feeling, thinking and believing...

Drive-bys are like this..."Hi, WW, I'm home. I felt punched today, over and over again, each time I thought of you choosing adultery over our marriage. Where are the kids?"

"I was thinking about the future and visitation schedules and my heart felt like it cracked. Are we out of mustard?"

Not a game...slipping in what you truly feel (not what I wrote), calmly, assertively (not aggressively)...with no attachment to any possible response or reaction...you for you and your marriage.

Staying present and not jumping into the future is being a reality bringer for yourself...you only have now. If you've gone through all you wished you done or not done pre-A...to own your half of the marriage, not to kick yourself to dust, then own them to WW...this is what I see I did (LBs) and I am not going to do those because that's not who I am."

I know about the backrubs...match them with verbal acknowledgement...and include the previous whys that don't hold up anymore. "I am discovering how much I create and hold onto resentments...using them to distance myself from you in the past, like they could protect me. Touching you feels like connection to me...and I stopped doing that because I felt vulnerable and angry...not realizing I was doing that, you weren't."

You're learning that fear can paralyze, only when you allow it to...and you're holding your fear and touching anyway.

How does all this sound? Crazy? It was my way...doesn't have to be yours...

How is your snooping going? The idea here is to be aware of her movements and lies, not to confront...because you both know what she's doing...but to confirm. "I know you left the kids and met OM today." Statements. Not attacks. Confirm you're in on their secret.

In my prayers...stay awake until you can sleep deeply...no dosing off in the car...

LA

This one

About Plan A

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

I see a lot of similarities.

Thank you for helping me get over this initial shook of it all and keeping me here and reading and learning.

I’m getting His Needs Her Needs later today. The book store I went to yesterday didn’t have it. the one near home does.

I just finished SAA but once I’m done with HNHN I’m going to have to re-read SAA

Everyone I was going to talk to yesterday had to bail. 4th weekend plans and such. I wanted to do this face to face but if I cant talk to some of them soon I'll do it by phone.

I like the drive by O&H idea.

Everything sounds very logical very helpful.

I don’t need to snoop she's to careless right now. i keep track of most in my journal I’ve started to keep about 3 weeks ago. I keep allot of personal feelings and I feel and I believe in there also. I let her read it last weekend. She was mortified at the first six or seven pages. I was still very angry at the time. She knows I write in it every day. I’m not hiding it from her but I don’t think she’s read any of the last 5 or 6 days. If she ask I let her but I want to be with here while she reads it as my hand writing sucks and some thoughts may seem a little out in left field and may need a little explaining. I want to let her know that anything I think and feel will never be private to her.

She was home last night and I rubbed her wrist until we both yonked out. I think she didn’t even attempt to go out because she's getting a sore throat. I don’t care I’ll take any time I can be with her and meeting as many emotional needs as I can.

I'm going to be OK I've got some work and reading to do.

Thanks again

Oh, Adrian...that thread. You know, I would love to know what he's doing, how he's doing...part of the process of the boards...to disappear, I guess.

You're keeping a journal...what a great self-care action...along with exposure plans...phones work...simple statements...and your choice to stay here, reading and learning is all yours. Your power. It was my solace and my 2x4...that's why I'm here, to give back and keep learning.

Have you found out a lot about OM and his family?

I hope you have some recreational companionship plans this holiday weekend--dating my WH after many years of not making it a priority was important. I remember him saying, "You know, I do like seeing new things with you," and I think I lived on that one statement for a month.

Now we make it a priority...because it was something we shared with each other.

Prizing every opportunity to touch...you're doing that, also...there's no resentment in it, is there? I ask because you are in a state of rejection, and resentment can have a field day with your heart...so guard against it with every opportunity.

I was like you...open to be read, to be known (or so I thought)...and my DH felt that was pressure, expectation and him failing, being less than me. I built a lot of resentment in what I DJ'd as his lack of interest...

I hope others will post to you, too. So many valuable people here...different experiences...lots of wisdom.

After HNHN, I would add "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend...it is a book I wish I'd read back when. I only finished it recently.

LA

She's been out all day. Left the house around 11 and she turned her cell off.
Every second is like a knife in my stomach.
She's so blatant its making me sick.

I wish I could date her she wont stay long enough to let me ask her somewhere.

I got HNHN had to hit three book stores but I got it.

I still don’t know what to do next. I called a few people today trying to expose. Not much help so far other than me crumbling in the corner.

This is the dark part, 1...this is you being honest with yourself and reality...

I am going through everything I know, have experienced...and because I was her, I am coming up with nothing...just like on nagrom67's thread...read there...you're not alone...

I asked my DH...and he validated...it was crazymaking...a mess...cake-eating is abusive...it is telling you she wants her family and you, abdicating her choices, and making them anyway.

We know those knives...we know the powerlessness comes from expecting we SHOULD be doing something, being something other than what we are...and we're not.

DH journaled during this time, also. I read them when I came out of my fog and I was bottomed out...

In his journal, he said..."How can she think I don't love her? I have always loved LA." DJ's killed off a lot of my reality, how I wove it into fantasy...and I was doing that to myself.

I know in my heart that exposure would have changed everything...I know this.

He didn't.

I do know that my DH is still with me, loving our marriage...as am I...and he went through one year of this...he's incredible.

I'm sorry he does not want to post. I believe he would be of great support...and I fear filtering his words. I asked him directly for you and nagrom67...that's all he said.

Can you focus on facts right now, 1? Can you tell me how you would care for your children if you went to Plan B? The mechanics of a situation can be a relief from the constant thinking on the car breaking down...

All I got. My heart is with you. I remember. My remorse is deep, vast and real. People do change. You can't make 'em. Changing the dance changes everything.

LA