WS called me at midnite from OM home.

Her biggest point of why she wont stop is.
i have said in the past "I don't Love her" Always in anger Always in a tit for tat situation. I dont think I could have done anything worse to her. I never meant it I always came back with I'm sorry after things cooled down but if you say it enough it will be believed. I wish I could take them all back. Dear god please take them all back

WS came home at 6:30am and went to church with the family this morning. I think she felt persecutied by the message. I felt persecuted by the message. "Whats the wise thing to do?" Andy Stanley. It was Just a DVD as our pastor just got back from Turkey yesterday. Im looking into getting the rest of the DVD set from Stanley. The wife said she liked him as a speaker.
On the way home, 1 hour dirve, I asked her to go to diner with me we would leave the house at 7:30. As soon as we got home she freshend up and went out the door.

I have no idea how I would get day care I cant afford it, we all say that, but I would have to. Legaly I could leave the older two in charge but this doesnt really work There kids they want to do what they want to do. I'm going to have to start looking for something. My work has an Employee Assistance program that can help find supervision for the kids while im at work.

Funny you mention the car breaking down. On my way home from work on friday after doing traffic for 2 hours 4 miles from home I lost a lifter or valve cars running on three cylinders. $300-600 if I get someone to fix it or 3-6 hours and $30 if I do it myself. I do have the week off but I really dont want to kill that kind of time.

Im going to lookup nagrom67's thread later tonite when everybodys asleep.

Thanks

Ahhhh...yes...

You can see where Love Busters really are relationship killers...

Owning that here was very brave and true. Please take heart...my H and I got to that point only once...and it was accepted and acted on...belief in if you don't love me, I'll find someone who will.

Exposing to everyone who knows OM is crucial. Do it fast...do it now...holiday week or no, 1...if she were in a coma in the hospital, would you grab the phone?

You could try listing all your LBs here...why you gave yourself permission to do them, how you are revoking that permission...and how for each one you will not do to others, show me how you aren't doing them to yourself.

You could find assistance for her affair through your church...exposure is sharing truth...to enlist support, too...to end her affair.

You could look up Orchid, a poster here, about how to lessen your pain right now, learn reverse babble...I read something she posted today to someone else...

You could stop taking her calls between 11pm and 7am...

Why do you commute so far? Any job changes possible to promote your home time?

I'm asking, not telling, to consider your life in a new light...part of that scorched feeling you have all over is because it is...

Be self-comforting with your knowledge...you are here, fighting for your marriage, being O&H...knowing you can only control yourself...self-admire and appreciate, 'k?

LA

Exposed to my parents today. Spent about an hour on the phone.

Bad day for me.16th Anniversaries of proposal. it used to be special hasent been for a few years. cant wait for the 21st. we gave everyone 17 days notice neither one of us wanted a blow out.

job used to be 5 min from home. more kids needed to get out of townhouse into something bigger. the closest we could aford is a now a 50-60 average drive. Fridays and preholidays it goes to 2-3 hours.

She's been gone all day I'm taking the kids to see the works. i dont expect her to be home when we get back around midnite.
Nice boundry no calls 11-7 better than my solution at the time. Hang up and throw up. she called back we talked for a few.

Im going to come back and do this
"You could try listing all your LBs here...why you gave yourself permission to do them, how you are revoking that permission...and how for each one you will not do to others, show me how you aren't doing them to yourself."

Im to down to think feelings through right now. I've got a few gems in my journal. DNS problems at MB ISP keep me from getting here eailer and posting when my head was a little clearer.

Do you hear me telling you that you're the problem?

I think I'm going to begin asking straight out instead of relying on others to tell me.

What do you hear with what I write to you?

"we gave everyone 17 days notice neither one of us wanted a blow out."

I don't understand this...you proposed on July 4th...and used to celebrate it, along with your anniversary...I think that was lovely...a loving remembrance. I choose to believe you will celebrate it again...that act of bravery and love...

Did you feel I was bashing you for the commute? We make our choices...they have consequences...seeing those choices, weighing the outcomes, knowing them, is what I'm pursuing here...not blame. That comes from me, waking up to how much everything I did, even with great intent, had an effect...sometimes one I couldn't forsee. Knowing my choices clearly gave me a mindset of power...real power...my choices mattered. Can you see where knowing this now, when you feel so helpless, might be me supporting, not blaming?

Hang up and throw up...oh, 1of9...your humor is marvelous. Truly. Can you see where even in your depths, you like yourself? And this truth...hang up and throw up...succinctly how so many BS's feel...gosh, brevity is the soul of wit. Yes, I'm asking you to give kudos to yourself for the way you see, and keep Plan A'ing, anyway.

It was a DNS problem at MB ISP? Thank you for telling me that. I had no idea...same for me...and you know what? If you feel lost, maybe you could think of it as a temporary DNS problem at Self ISP?

Okay, I'm lame. I love humor, though. I believe it saves, heals and hides...use wisely.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Yes I am aware that I was/am the cause of all this.

"we gave everyone 17 days notice neither one of us wanted a blow out" 16th anniversarie is July 21st proposed the 4th.

No I dont think your bashing. I think your trying to help clear through the muck and get to what should be important.

I've got problems.

I know I'm working on alot of them all at once so even if we do go to plan D I will be a happier person and beter father.

So far I've seen everything as constructive.

By the way the of9 doesnt have anything to do with star trek
but does have many meanings for us.
one being 7 kids 9 in the family

im not to sure plan A is going to work here. She wants nothing to do with reconciliation. in the past 48 hours ive only seen her for about 2. Currently she has no intention of stop seeing OM. Last 2 nites she says she slept on his "Couch". She is even running down client leads for him.I told her "I feel hurt when I see you doing things for him"

By the way how much time do you spend on these boards. Is your H missing some valuable time from U.

You cannot cause an affair, 1...

You cannot.

Impossible.

You are not a problem...you're a human being.

You have your part...your power and limits...

Thank you for being honest with me.

I'm saying it again...you cannot cause all of this...only half...and the affair is HERS and HERS alone.

Thanks for clarifying the TERRIFYINGLY fast marriage after proposal...LOL. Whoa. :::insert wind-tunnel face here:::

I figured out your 1of9 being family...I only mentioned by H's favorite Star Trek character to alert you to another interpretation...which was fun and twisted.

Plan A is...

Exposure...how we coming on that?

Being authentic...eliminating your LBs, identifying yours and her ENs...learning how to act not react...express appreciation, admiration, approval, affection...all those accompanying (and alliterative) a's...with honesty and openness.

Even for two hours.

My H works odd shifts...he's home now...getting his car ready to give to our middle son...he already read with me on the P/A thread and we talked...and thank you for thinking of that...he works late at nights three days a week, and I post from work...I don't do tv...we did that for 15 years straight...so when he has a game he wants to watch, I MB...or write.

He works Saturdays. I don't...we get one day off a week together...except this past holiday...

You work Plan A for you...talk to me about exposure...and how you are going to explain to the kids...the older ones...they need your O&H, too...they might be feeling they caused this...like you do...

She is being outrageously cruel...WS are. Your dear wife was abducted by aliens...taken to the mothership...and another person is in her place...

Listen and repeat...expose...clear boundaries...you can be creative...family intervention...with friends...includign the kids...to ask her to choose differently...or move out.

You can Plan A from away...before Plan B. Courteous and respectful...no doormat. You can 180...you can take sneak her key off her keyring and lock the doors at night...curfew is at 10pm...you can state this boundaries...you can find out those legal rights...abandonment...find out if your state has an alienation of affection law on the books...and you can sue OM.

No kidding.

You can separate your finances (if they aren't already) and cut off all gas money (using it for extramarital purposes...cancel credit cards...same reason...you can put a sign on your house that says, "My wife is cheating with and put his name on it)...you can say, "I don't do divorce. I do marriage."

"I want my wife back. She wasn't an adulterer."

Plan B follows all the exposure and your Plan A...not Plan D. If you are only going to use plans with guaranteed outcomes, then you won't have any plans...choose from your beliefs...focus on a thriving, fulfilling marriage...and stay focused.

Pick your goal and ride toward it...you're going to experience a lot of ups and downs...daily and hourly...be okay with those feelings...and ride toward your goal.

Takes a hero's mindset and commitment. I believe you have that.

LA

This will be the third nite in a row. Goes out then comes home a 6:30 7 in the morning.

This is how she says she wants to live. So she can take care of the children durring the day and leave when I get home. She says she wants to do this for the children.

She actually said shes going to a counsler with me. I scheduled a meeting for Monday.

Every time she puts her purse on her sholder I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I know shes going to be driving away and not comming back that night.
I dont think I can do this much longer.

Exposure is going. Got one more freind today.They dont seem to know what to do. i ask them to talk to her. No one has called her. I havent herd back from any of the freinds. I'm going to get with her brothers today.

I feel rejected and hopeless.

Huge kudos on scheduling the counselor...I didn't have much hope, except WH saying he'd go when I did that...and it was the counselor who put a stop to contact...

Did I tell you that already?

Have you exposed to OM's family, also?

You are being rejected...your influence is being shut out...that hurts. That's real. Hope is what you get from reading here, other threads, where they've made it through this exact same thing...hope is you saying to yourself, for yourself, anything can happen.

And yeah, many days of hopelessness, and then hope arrives again...acceptance? Well, that's a ways away...all the more reason to give it to yourself...accept that you are doing the best you can, believe in yourself and MB; and pray a whole lot.

How are the kids taking this? Anybody wanting to talk about Mom's weird behavior?

Have you had any contact with OM? Know where he works? Your WW may have told him you're okay with this...not that he is innocent...but Plan A is about break up the affair. I wondered if there was something you'd thought of on that front.

Everyone is here for you...stay sober...know you're whole and complete...she's rejecting the marriage right now and your influence...in a fog...because what she's saying she wants is to be a daycare provider for her children, not a mother.

LA

"Have you exposed to OM's family, also?"

I thought I had numbers and Addresses of OM X wife. It turned out to be one of his many address from the past 4 years. Im going to try to contact one of the Barflies that frequent the bar that WS and OM go to alot. He'a a good guy but not sure if he will have much of an influence other than giving WS the evel eye and mabey telling OM that this is not right.
Im Avoiding any contact with OM as im not to sure if i could take it well. I'm almost positive I would do something I would regret later, not sure what but there would be something.

There a few associations OM is involved with that may not take this to nicely. They will be contacted

"Did I tell you that already?"
I dont think so. But thanks for the glimer of hope for Monday.

Kids seem to want to think "Oh this could be normal" and when I ask them if the have any questions about whats going on they say no. I've asked the older 4 and get the same response. I think Im going to have to sit down with the older 2 and put it all out on the table. 3 and 4 will get a toned down version, 5 and 6 will get something along the lines of Mommys not doing to well right now but she still loves you. 7 will always get Mommy and Daddy Love you.

LA im over here now.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3052320

I haven’t give up yet just very frustrated