I don't know that I'm posting in the correct section, but I need help sorting some things out. About a week ago, my husband just completely stopped talking to me. Usually if something is on his mind, he'll get quiet for a day or so and then he'll come to me and talk about whatever is on his mind. Well, he didn't this past week. It was just a silent treatment for the entire week. But other things have been unusual also. We play(ed) softball together on our church team. We signed up to do this because it was something that we thought both of us would enjoy and something we could do together. I've been searching aimlessly for a very long time for us to have some type of hobby in common. So, I thought this would be great. During the week of silence, my husband really embarrassed me at one of our games. For instance, when he arrived at the game, he just stopped by my car to pick up his glove and then took off, like I wasn't worthy of walking with him or like I had the plague or something. He was also standing at the bleachers talking to a large group of church members and when I walked up to join the conversation, he left and went and sat in the dugout by himself. When it was time for him to get out on the field and warm up for the game, I asked him if he wanted to warm up. He told me that he didn't want to throw that much so he wouldn't make his shoulder sore. I left it at that. But when I found another team member to warm up with, he was on the field right after me to warm up with someone else. Then while we were playing the game, he yelled at me all the way from the pitcher's mound in front of the entire team (I was playing outfield) about missing a ball. He doesn't make these type of comments to anyone else on the team, so I feel like he was singling me out just to embarrass me.
Then there's more-one night he said another woman's name in his sleep. My husband's sister and I are very close, so I talked to her about it. And we decided that maybe I should just ask him about it in a non-accusing way. I had already written him a letter about what had gone on the past week and I blew up about it, which maybe was the wrong thing to do. But everytime I confront him with a problem(like addressing my emotional needs that he hasn't been meeting, or a disrespect issue which I feel what was going on at the softball game) I get the same old story-either "I wasn't doing that" or "I didn't realize I was doing that" or "That's not what I actually meant." I was so furious when he told me that he wasn't doing that to me at the game that I told him that he was full of crap because if he had put himself in my shoes, he would have been stark raving mad at me doing the same thing. And not only that, but how can he not realize that he's doing that when it seemed like he was enjoying every second of it. Within the next couple of days after I gave him the letter that I had written him about all of these issues, I sent him an e-mail about the "woman's name" issue. This is verbatim what I wrote in the e-mail.

"I meant to ask you this before you left for work this morning. I tried to talk to you last night, but it was already too late and you were asleep. But I had to wait until I calmed down to talk to you about anything. I'm only asking about this because of this past weeks events-normally I wouldn't have thought anything about it. I was just wondering if you know anyone named Shannon. I'm not trying to pick a fight, so let me explain where I'm coming from. You said that name the other night in your sleep. I can't remember what night it was. I've sat and thought about it and I know it could be something as simple as someone you work with or one of your student's parents or something. But if you put yourself in my shoes-your husband hasn't spoken to you all week and then you hear him talking about another woman in his sleep-well, it just kind of upset me at that time. This actually has nothing to do with sex or accusing you of an affair or anything. It just bothered me that you weren't talking to me and had maybe found someone else that you were close enough to confide in about what was wrong instead of talking to me. I don't even know if it's worth mentioning now, but it's been on my mind."

It's been several days since I sent him this e-mail. He uses an e-mail account that we used to share, so I still have access to this account. He has deleted the e-mail that I sent him and he's also deleted the e-mails that he's received from this woman named Shannon. I know that he knows someone named Shannon and for the most part, as far as I'm concerned, the e-mails between them have been totally innocent. The only e-mail that really concerned me was that they were discussing what their class schedules(they both take college courses at the same university after work) were and if any times overlapped. There is only like 30 minutes from the time that my husband gets out of class until she goes to her class. But my husband is a 12 month employee at one of the local high schools, which means that during the summer, he's at work, but he has no students. She works a couple of blocks from where he works and lives a couple of blocks from where he works.
He's also been making cash withdrawals instead of using his debit card for lunch as he had normally been doing. And I can't decide if his schedule is "normal" or not. He can set his own hours within limits, but the hours he has set has made no sense to me. He can go in at 630 and get off at 230 or he can go in at 730 and get off at 330. He has chosen the first schedule listed. His college course doesn't start until 400-so to me it would make more sense to chose the latter schedule. Just kind of makes me wonder what he does with the 1 1/2 hours that he has before class.

I was sooooo caught off guard by all of this behavior and still am not sure what to think of it. I just need some more opinions-does this sound like a possible affair or am I just over reacting from the past weeks events? I feel so devious thinking these things about him because he has always been so against people cheating on their spouses and has always had the opinion that marriage is sacred and something you should only have to do once in your lifetime. But at the same time, I don't want to be a person that sits around blind to the issues and just lets something continue without doing anything about it.
There are other issues with us also that may have an impact on this. We had started discussing each other emotional needs a while back and at the top of my list was the need for affection, but he could never seem to differentiate between the need for affection and sexual fulfillment. I know I am lacking in his need for sexual fulfillment because of my health. I'm diabetic and am having a really tough time finding a schedule/dosage with my insulin that will control my blood sugar range. I've been in the hospital 4 or 5 times within the past year because of it and 1 time in ICU. So basically, I have good days and bad days and he just doesn't seem to understand that I have no interest in sex when I'm not feeling well. And it hurts me that he doesn't have this understanding. I've also been on depression medication because of the diabetes and issues that we've had with our oldest son. A side affect of the medication is decreased sex drive and I told him this when I was prescribed the medication. That was a choice that I had to make as far as my health was concerned. And he knows that I was pretty close to suicidal when I started taking these meds. The meds did help and I had been on them for almost a year when I decided that it was time for me to come off of them. I didn't come off of them for me, but because I felt like he wasn't getting what he deserved in a wife as far as sexual fulfillment. I was feeling better emotionally and decided that I would try coming off of them and see how I did. Things were pretty great for a couple of weeks after I came off of the meds, but that's when all of this other stuff started. So now I have this huge guilt on my shoulders that maybe I waited too late, but I'm also angry that he didn't have any understanding of what I was going through or even act like he cared.

Well, this has gotten pretty long-just need some opinions about what I've written. Will be looking forward to your posts.

4rabbits.

Welcome.

Go to the top of the GQ page (the one you are posting on) and read the posts from Longhorn, Onegoing, Worth a Try, etc. There's also a thing about acronyms (code abbreviations for Wayward Spouse - WS, OP - Other person - etc.)

In my opinion, this smells like an affair. If it isn't yet physical yet, it soon will be. Handle this like a smart woman. The posts by Longhorn etc. will be invaluable in this.

Good luck.

Sounds pretty fishy to me as well. Inspect what you expect. There is no such thing as "privacy" in a marriage. Snoop away. Check the phone records...especially the cell phone records. Look for lots of text messages...very common for the text conversations to occur while they sit in separate classes. Be watchful for a secret cell phone as well. Also check the temporary internet files on his computer.

Finally, if that reveals nothing...hide the voice activated digital recorder in his car.

BTW, welcome to MB.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-Longhorn's signature contains the link to the "Spying 101" thread. You'll find a more extensive review of the techniques therein. If nothing else, maybe you'll discover "why" he's upset with you as he discusses it with someone.

Received reply from husband on e-mail that ask him if he knew who Shannon was. His reply:

"Yes, she's someone I went to school with and no I'm not having an affair."

And that's it-no discussion ever stemmed from this e-mail. He tried avoiding me all afternoon after he replied to the e-mail. Still waiting for the next cell phone bill to come in. Should be here in a couple of days.
4rabbits

4rabbits,

It could be that at this point he is engaging in an EA which he may not see as a problem because as yet there has been no sex. My FWH engaged in an EA for so long with OW and probably felt no guilt because there was nothing physical going on. I think it became so natural over time that he was easily convinced by OW to take it to the next step and only then did he start to feel guilty for his betrayal.

I believe Dr. Phil described inappropriate behavior is anything you do with or say to an OP that you wouldn't do if your spouse was standing next to you. I wonder how your H would view this?

Who

Sounds like it could be an emotional affair. I would make a HUGE effort to meet his needs right now.

Talk to your doc about an anti-D that does not cause sexual side effects. There are several.

Depending on the company you use, you can check cell phone records online. I use Cingular and while I don't get a detailed paper bill (costs more), I can look online and see every single call made on all 5 our our wireless phones. It's an invaluable tool with teenagers in the house.

He has Alltel-you can go online and view the bill, but the balance only. A few days after the balance is posted, you can view the details(which by then, I've most likely gotten the bill by mail). But I did go over last month's bill and viewed this month's bill. I've made a list of all the numbers that I don't recognize and looked most of them up on whitepages.com under the reverse phone number section. Fine for local land lines, but can't find out who the cell phone numbers belong too. He's a teacher, so he calls a lot of the students parents from his cell phone. And because he's a jrotc instructor, they still have activities during the summer on a limited basis. I've gone through a list of his students to compare phone numbers, but the list I have is only a partial list. I did find a number that has the same prefix as all the other numbers to where the OW works. I called the number under the pretense of a wrong number and a man answered, but answered it as such and such finance and she's an accounting clerk. I have a great assumption that this is her work number as she works for the state Public Commission and his work wouldn't have anything to do with this office. So maybe not a direct line to her or maybe it's a phone that's shared in the same office?
Since I sent the e-mail about the possible OW and he replied, H has been most attentive. I can't determine whether his actions are due to the fact that there really isn't another woman and he's just been neglecting my needs or if it's just a cover. You'd think after 18 years, you'd be able to read someone, but I guess not all of the time. He's off work until Wednesday, so I've made plans for us to spend lots of time together. There haven't been any phone calls as far as I can tell on his cell phone, although he keeps the call lists erased and the phone on his hip all the time. I know there have been calls because he doesn't think to erase the timers on the phone, but I do, just to keep track of whether calls are being made or not. But we also have 3 teenagers that we keep in touch with constantly via cell phone. So, I really can't tell much by the timers. The only suspicious activity that I've found is that he tried to access his cell phone bill online this morning, which he never does. (I pay all the bills and make all the adjustments to cell phone plans, etc., so he's never had the need to access it online) So, that makes me wonder what's up with that one. Nothing else suspicious on the cookies.

I've basically decided to try and continue as if I'm not suspicious of anything, but just keep my eyes and ears alert. And spend the next few months working on me-things I want to improve about myself, goals that I want to meet.

Did pop into his work unexpectedly to bring him lunch on Friday. He had already had lunch-went and picked lunch up and had it in the office-evidence was in the trash can and only one meal.

Another thing I found kind of weird on his cell phone bill and wanted to see what you guys think about this one. Another instructor that he works with(male) is taking the same college course that my husband is taking. There is a phone call from this guy's cell to my husband's cell everyday between 2 and 230pm-they work in the same building. Why would someone right down the hall call your cell phone the same time every day?

Thanks for all the input.
4rabbits

I have been stuck to my husband like glue since my last post. Partly to keep an eye on anything that may be going on and partly so that we can spend more time together. We have 4 kids(which are older now, but always seems to be with us), so there has always been a need for more "alone" time. He is still erasing some of his cell phone calls I think-leaves the calls from family and friends I know, but can tell by the call timers that all of the calls aren't listed. I did show up after his college class so that we could go to dinner. No sign of OW, but also didn't know which building his class was in, so waited by his car. He didn't seem shocked to see me, but was surprised. We had a quiet dinner and did a little shopping. He has been making it home earlier from his classes than he was before I brought all of this up. Finally got his head out? or feeling guilty? not wanting to get caught? I was just being paranoid? I've been trying really hard to meet his needs, especially in the sf department. Sometimes I find that hard though because most of the time it just doesn't seem like he's there emotionally. And it's more difficult with suspicions rolling around in my mind. He has been more attentive though and that is a great plus on his part.
Now my question is-how long do you continue to snoop? There will always be parts of his days that I don't have "access" to. I do make it a point to call him at lunch time every now and then just to see what he's up to. And most of the time he's in a hurry to get me off of the phone. But, he is a workaholic and is gearing up for a huge test in a couple of days. I don't know how to determine what's going on here. I've felt better about my situation in the past few days because there haven't been any indicators that he's seeing anyone else, but he has also had a few off days and has spent them all at home. But if I stop snooping now, what's to say the same patterns won't start again? I just don't like checking up on him-I want to trust him and it's just so time consuming and feels so devious. I guess the big question is-if there has been something there(misguided or not) that causes you not to trust them, how do you get back to "normal" without these suspicions always being in the back of your mind?
4rabbits

Continue working on yourself, meeting his needs, and spending time together. If he is hiding something, it will come out. They always slip up. Don't let him know that you are suspicious, as that will just cause him to be extra careful.

Will continue to be on the lookout for odd behavior and other things. There's another thing that he's started doing and I don't know quite how to take it. I know that he knows that I suspect something because I asked him about a woman's name that he said in his sleep one night(the woman he's been sending/receiving e-mails). He told me that she's someone he went to college with(recently-last semester) and that he wasn't having an affair. I didn't ask him if he was having an affair-just asked if he knew someone by his name. After I asked him this he went in and deleted all of the emails from her. But the past few days, he's been calling me from work to let me know where he's going and when. He's never done this before-heck, he just told me that he gets off of work everyday at 2pm during the summer months and I never knew that. I can't determine if he's calling me to tell me where he's at, what he's doing because he knows that I suspect something and if there's nothing going on, maybe he's just trying to calm my fears and be honest and open. On the other hand, now that I've had suspicions and the only info he's ever given me about OW is that they had a class together, I find it hard to trust that he's doing this to ease my fears that there is an affair. I find it hard to trust what he's telling me even though I don't have any substantiated evidence that there is an affair-just e-mails, which if I didn't suspect anything, may seem harmless except the fact that he didn't tell me that he was talking to her so it seemed like he was trying to hide it and a couple of phone calls. If there's nothing going on and I determine that all communication between them has stopped, how long does it take for the trust to return after you've had these suspicions? I don't want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells around him and suspecting every move that he makes. I don't like having to "snoop", but still just have this knot in my stomach that tells me something just isn't quite right, even though I can't put my finger on it. Maybe just the stress that something is possibly going on that causes it? Sorry this has gotten so long. I just have so many questions about how I feel about this and can't seem to find any answers except to wait and see how things turn out.
4rabbits

If you can afford a GPS device, you can put it on his car and get a readout of everywhere he goes and how long he is there. I think they are about $350. on ebay.

Don't ignore your gut feelings. They are often correct.

I really don't think I could spend $350 without him noticing. And he never drives the same car to work everyday. But he has what I call "dead spots" (for me anyway) in his day that he knows I can't get info on. During the summer, with no students, he can come and go from his workplace as he pleases. He's a jrotc instructor, so he does make trips from work to alteration shops and the air force base to take care of uniforms and paperwork. Sometimes he even goes to their headquarter's office and I don't know about it and it's in another state. I think I may have to wait until school starts back to see if things really have cooled off because I know that OW has a child and is probably home for the summer. But on the other hand, don't know what type of custody she shares with her ex-husband, so he may be gone part of the summer too. Is there a way that I can look up what her ex-husband's name is? I don't know if she is still using her married name or her maiden name. From what I can tell, she moved here from a neighboring city a couple of years ago.

His job also makes his cell phone bill pretty hard to read. He keeps in touch with returning students over the summer for special projects, but I only have a partial list of their names and phone numbers. And most are cells that I can't look up on the net. I did call a couple of numbers that I was suspicious of on his bill. One had the same prefix as all of the other numbers where OW works, but would not pull up on the net. But she works for the state and they have a specific prefix in all of their offices. A guy answered the phone "finance", and she's an accounting tech, but I still can't be positively sure that this is her work number and I'm too chicken to ask for her by name. Guess I could call again and if the guy answers, ask for her and hang up. I hate being sneaky and rude. The other phone number that I called had the same state office prefix and a woman answered, but she answered "council office", so I'm really not sure what that's all about. My husband is retired Army, so it's possible that both numbers could be the State VA office. I just don't know.

And if all of this turns out to be nothing, do you just keep everything that you've suspected to yourself or do you let your spouse know what you've been doing? I keep reading on the website that marriages should be transparent, no secrets and this just seems contradictory to everything I've read. I know that he will be really upset if he finds out that I've been checking up on him and still suspecting an affair after he's blatently told me that he is not. How do you deal with the reaction if you tell them? Will it cause more trust issues within the marriage?

I just keep having more and more questions enter my mind each day and quite frankly, feel like my brain is overloaded. I know a lot of it is stress just from not knowing. But it's making me nuts!
4rabbits