To me this is a very interesting topic & I'd LOVE to hear from the men on this one. Ladies too, of course.

What do you mean by chemistry/spark?

How long do you give this to develop?

If it isn't instant or within an hour or so of first meeting do you right this person off as not your type?

Have you ever had a friendship that developed spark?

Have you you ever written someone off as not having the right chemistry to later wonder if perhaps you were hasty?

I'll answer from my female perspective, but if you've read my post today, I'm not the most successful one in the dating arena.

In my younger days, "spark" was mandatory - and if there was none - well, I simply wrote the guy off. Regretted it later though, because one fella who had no "spark" with me after a date turned out to be a happily married, faithful, devoted husband and father and a successful career man, while my "spark" date turned into the absolute WORST choice I could have made for a husband. Sigh....

Now, after years of maturity (HA!) I try and try NOT to write someone off if there is no initial spark. Example - the fella I'm seeing now - I went out with him at the request of a girlfriend, and I remember coming home and saying "he's nice enough, but kind of a dork"......but, since no one else was knocking down my door, when he asked for a second date, I accepted. We had a nice time again, and I still thought he was a dork. Third date - same. Well, sometime between date #4 and #5, I got to really know him and the "dorkiness" seemed to just disappear, and he started looking sexier and sexier to me - it was his personality and charm that hooked me. Now, I think he's the hottest guy out there.....so I guess it's true when they say you've really got to get to know someone before you decide - beauty IS only skin deep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Truly, I am glad you stuck with this guy and found out what the real him is like. Unfortunately, all to many women expect fireworks on the first or second date. If they don't get it, they assume there is no chemistry and cut the guy off.
Then they call up their girl friends and complain that there aren't a good men out there. :0

I have never figured it out.

I like the idea of getting to know a person, first.

O.K. A response from a shallow man.

What do you mean by chemistry/spark?

I guess it would be for me: 1) do I find this person attractive? 2)do I feel "IT" when when we touch? I can't really describe IT more than it is that feeling in you stomach . . . not to dissimilar to the feeling of popping over a hill on a country road.

How long do you give this to develop?

I know very fast if a new person is someone I would be interested in knowing better. It does have to do with physical appearance, plain is fine with me if there is that sparkle in her eyes that shows me she can be playful; when I see that I begin to pay special attention.

f it isn't instant or within an hour or so of first meeting do you right this person off as not your type?

There must be some physical attraction for me to take an interest in someone as more than a friend. Physical beauty used to have much more pull on me than it does now. If the woman keeps herself in shape, is generally happy, has good things to say about others, takes an interest in me . . . well that is the type of woman I would be interested in spending time with. I've already had my beautiful drama-queens . . . I'll pass from here on out.


Have you ever had a friendship that developed spark?

Yes, but there was initial attraction there to begin with.

Have you you ever written someone off as not having the right chemistry to later wonder if perhaps you were hasty?

Yep. When I was younger I was extremely picky. I would only date women that I found very attractive. I learned that that probably isn't a very good way to pick a possible long-term partner. I would rather be with a fit-plain-kind woman than, well, a pretty witch.

I'm glad I stuck it out too - and I learned a very valuable lesson - I will without a doubt go out with someone several times before I judge (unless of course he scares me or looks like a serial killer - tee hee). I'll tell ya, I had NO idea how hard it would be to be single these days - everything is so stinking complicated! There are days that I just want to give up on the whole dating thing and join the local convent - much less stress! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

THtoB,

I remember your description from another thread of the now "hot" man & thought how great that you stuck it out. I'm just like you in that respect. I wonder if initial attration is akin to the feeling you wouldn't mind seeing the person in your bed, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> can imagine ah...intimacy...with them.

Justin, I've been wondering if the close to instant spark isn't more of a man thing. Please, no hate mail. Where's your spark-o-meter Justin?

One reason I started this thread is because recently I went on two dates with a guy I saw potential in. When I first saw his picture online (Chemistry, he was sent my profile & was interested in me) his looks didn't do much for me but I liked his profile & his subsequent emails.

The first date was good, the second kinda flat. I attributed that to a couple of temporary factors & wanted to see him again. He wasn't interested, ouch, but did email me some very nice words with which to end things. I don't know if it was lack of spark or what that made him lose interest but that's what I suspect after our second date wasn't very exciting. I wonder if he hung in until after the temporary things took care of themselves whether we would have found spark. I did find him more attractive after our dates & it was purely personality.

CN, thanks for adding your info.

Do you think you limit when you might feel spark? By that I mean, because you want to feel some instant attraction, do you think by not allowing for a few dates for this to possibly develop you're limiting your potential choices?

ok, i will bite, than i have to go walking....

what is chemistry/spark?: at my age now it is a number of things. when i was younger it had to be purely a physical attraction, i wanted nothing less. wanted the hot macho jerk. sorry, i did. i was always this little blonde bombshell type and i wanted the studly treat me bad jerk at my side. glad that has sooooo changed! spark and chemistry to me are now more like just enjoying everything about a person.. yes, looks do matter to me, but not in a shallow sort of way. if a man is clean cut, dresses nice, taller than me stuff like that, i will start a chat. i find chemistry comes along as you get to know someone. that instant gaga gotta have you here and now, and i mean instant before i even get to know them, i usually steer clear of. it is bad news! if i like how they look, and we get to know eachother and i really like everything else, i will have that butterfly got to have you now, here, take me feeling! *wink*

how long to develop? i am pretty patient. but i would think i could tell after a few weeks or up to a month. you can tell right away usually if you are going to click at all or not. if i am clicking i will keep getting to know to see what happens. maybe just friendship, maybe more...

i DO NOT write someone off if the chemistry/spark is not instant, no way. see my comment above about that instant stuff!

i have had friendships go to temporary sparks... but only temporary ones... almost lost a good friendship letting things go too far. i do believe you should be friends with who you have a relationship with, but i feel like it is a different kind of friendship than a regular friendship is.

i am sure i wrote off a lot of nice guys when i was younger, stupidly i might add... hindsite is 20/20. i definitely wrote off guys who did not fit my criteria physically at that time.. now i get to know the whole person. i like a nice outside, and get to know the inside really well too, and the inside makes the outside even more awesome to me if the inside is that good...

mlhb

Yes, I'm sure I missed out on some wonder people because I need to feel a draw to a woman or I'd not wish to prusue an romantic relationship. I would date a woman that I didn't find attractive if she fun to be around. I just wouldn't want it to get physical.

I'm just a very visual person, it may be shallow, but it is the way that I am.

Not all men are like me, infact I know of some that put much more emphasis on the woman's social status than they put on her appearance.

Nams, It's not so much that I want to feel an instant attraction, more like I either do or don't when I meet a new woman. It's not something I choose.

Hi CN, I don't know if I'd call you shallow. I do understand it's something you feel or don't feel.

I wonder though if you didn't cut yourself off at your initial attraction point that you might develop attraction for a person you find is fun to be around. Have you ever allowed yourself a second chance at whether you're attracted or not? Could you? You say above you "wouldn't want it to become physical" with someone you weren't intially attracted to, what if you did? Have you ever wondered?

Hi mlhb, "hot, macho, jerk". Funny how different we all are in our tastes. I remember thinking of the macho jerks as something more like a cartoon character. All the posturing just semed like a ridiculous show to me. Almost embarassing on their behalf. They really had no appeal for me. Kinda like the short guy making up for his lack of hight with a giant truck, or a swager, or being pushy.

I had a few types I liked too. One was the silent type. I ended up married to one & it was, in retrospect, a bad fit. With the silent type I could attributed characteristics to them the didn't possess. It's easy to make them what you want in your mind because they don't speak up to show you the real them. I had a 20 year learning experience but it also taught me what I need. does that make me a r.e.a.l.l.y s.l.o.w learner? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Nams,

Maybe I'm not expressing myself clearly. I guess for me to not be attracted to a similar age female there must be something that is really out of the norm going on with her. I'm pretty open to being possibly attracted to a wide range of women. There are certainly some that I am more attracted to than others. All things being equal, if the woman is average looking, has her own teeth, good hygiene, is fun to be around, (and here is the shallow part showing . . . not overweight) then I could certainly be persuaded into a possible relationship. A smile and an easy laugh go a long way with me.

I'm just not attracted to heavy women, no matter how nice. I would date one, I could be a friend, I just couldn't be a lover. It’s almost an irrational aversion. I just can't go there.

I could, and have, gone from thinking a girl is, say, not-ugly at best; to thinking that she is hot after some time has passed. But there was at least a sliver of attraction there, or at least not repulsion, from the beginning.

OK CN, I get ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We're all attracted or not AT ALL to some types. I don't want to make it sound like we should consider everyone regardless. So really you're open to all types just not overweight women. Fair enough.

I don't mind extra pounds but there is definately a line between some extra & too many.

On one online dating site a man stated he was looking for an "average" woman who was size 0 to 4 only. No bigger than size 4. I don't where this man came up with the idea that average was somewhere between 0 & 4 but I can assure you it's not. If you had this similar restriction I'd say, yeah, maybe you're restricting yourself & you maybe a tad unrealistic. Shallow? I guess I prefer the term unrealistic & not very aware of what actual women really look like.

Similarly there was another man who said he would only consider women with very fit, flat, defined, stomachs. There goes a good portion of women who have given birth.

I guess when I hear people like a "type" it makes me wonder what image they carry in their head & how any real person can possibly measure up. Similar to the porn syndrome. People see porn & think this is what sex is, this is what men/women look like. When the real world doesn't measure up they're lost. Sad really.

I like women that look like. . . . well women. . . curves . . . buldges in the proper places. I don't find waif-like frail women attractive nor do I obese women.

I don't expect any woman to look like a porn star, except, well, porn stars.

I like height and weight appropriate.

If I were to date a 45 year old divorcee, mother of 3, I certainly wouldn't expect her to have a flat stomach and no stretch marks. I would expect sagging and wrinkles and some grey hair. I would expect her to have these things as well as a few extra pounds. I just wouldn't wish her to have rolls and rolls of fat.

I guess I would be looking for someone how could age gracefully with me. I'm an active guy and would want someone who could be physically fit right there beside me.

CN, in my above description of men looking for a type I didn't have you in mind. It sounds like you have a good handle on what you like & it certainly sounds appropriate.

It doesn't at all sound to me like you're being picky or unreasonable or limited in what you find attractive in a woman.

I meant to use the two men I talked about as examples of men with unrealistic expectations. Not you. If I've left you with that impression I'm sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know you didn't mean me . . . I just thought I would hash-out what my preferences are. I guess it comes down to wishing a healthy person, mind, body, and spirit.

Take care.

I don't trust initial reactions - hers or mine. I have been steared wrong to often.

I like to take my time. Get to know her. That's why I like my "do nothing" approach. It takes the pressure off the initial encounters.

Rather than intial sparks, I look for inital turn-offs. If she is very overweight, critial of others, suspicious, or has that "I'll probe until I find out what's wrong with you" attitude, then even the do-nothing approach won't work. It just ain't gonna be there.

If she seems decent, I let the do-nothing approach do the work for me. So far, so good.

Justin, I like your approach but I do see some limitations. If, for example, you were to join a dating site. The main reason people are there is to find a mate so right from the start the focus is on whether the two of you can work as a couple. Maybe that's a real limitation of dating sites.

I think it would be great to have the numbers of potentials we're exposed to on dating sites with the relaxed approach you've come across. From my experience that hasn't been the case.

But then maybe it's the right mix of two people willing to not jump in but take a more leisurely approach in getting to know one another.

A second thought. I've come across men who will say they're looking for a friend first yet will decide within minutes if there's chemistry. That seems self defeating to me. How can you know a person can't be your friend & possibly become more if a judgement comes so quickly? I'm guilty of this too so I think I should rework my approach to dating.

It seems these conversations invariably devolve into a two-choice dilemma.

But it's not that at all. It's not either/or.

I want BOTH the initial chemistry and what comes with getting to know someone.

It's true, that if I don't feel it right off the bat, I don't think I ever will. And as nice a person as they may be, they will never be lover material for me. Doesn't mean they won't for someone else...just not from me.

Justin said something interesting:

"I don't trust initial reactions - hers or mine. I have been steared wrong to often."

I've spent my entire life discounting my intuition because I didn't trust it. IC has helped pull me out of that and I'm MUCH happier with myself. I make better decisions about all aspects of my life.

I've found that it tends to be more right than wrong, and I'm mature enough not invest all my eggs until I learn more about them.

No more beige Corollas for me...My new Lumina (South Africa) may have faults, but I've never regretted writing that check...

This is how it works for me...but I won't play the "friends game" if I feel chemistry for a woman. She is a potential lover from the get go. If I don't have the chemistry, I won't lead her to believe that our relationship will ever be more than "friendly".

I wish I could tell you how this works. It just does.

That's why FIRST impressions are SO important.