Hi LO! I'm glad to see your perspective.

I do understand what you're saying about initial attraction. I often opperate the same way but I'm wondering how much I limit myself by doing this.

I don't think I discount my intuition. I too have learned to heed it after having stuffed it for many years. I wonder though if there is a fine line between intuition & judgement based on exterior & surface qualities.

If I want both & friend & a lover for a partner where's the starting line?

On a completely different topic, how do you like South Africa? I lived in Spain for a while & went to Morocco & Tunisia. This before the current "troubles" & was able to do something I know I couldn't do today. I was looking for rugs & one man (from the hotel) took it upon himself to help me out. He called his taxi driver friend & we ended up taking an impromptu tour of neighborhoods I wouldn't have seen any other way. I preferred Tunisia to Morocco, some due to the people, some to the fact Morocco was very polluted & dirty & the drivers seemed to have no rules. That & the treatment of women, so clearly lesser than men. I had the best tea in Morocco I've ever had.

We absolutely limit ourselves when we eliminate potential lovers based on impression and intuition...that is, in fact, the very point of it.

This makes sense for me, because I don't believe you can have a very successful relationship unless they DO pass the intuition test.

I also don't believe you can have a Lover who is also a friend. They can be one or the other...but not both at the same time. Lovers may behave like friends at times, but forget that they are not friends at your peril. This happens a lot in marriages.

To be honest, I'm working a lot. The climate is similar to California.

There are a LOT fewer TV channels...

I'm having difficulty deciding when to say no, nothing or give it some time. I'd like to be attracted right off the bat, makes things more exciting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I've also, in the past, let attraction blind me just 'cause the body wanted what it wanted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

As much as I want a physical relationship with a man I don't think it's the best indicator for moving forward toward a relationship. I'm not willing to have a purely physical relationship so maybe that makes a difference in how much importance I place on initial attraction.

I know one major reason I'm willing to give myself time for physical attraction to happen is the experience I had with ex. There was a point in time I did not want to have sex with ex. I didn't know about all the marriage builder concepts so all I knew was that I didn't want to have sex with him. I'm a sexual person & missed the physical concact so I decided to get myself to the point where I wanted sex with ex. That's another story but it worked even though the intitial reason for not wanting sex was still there, still unknown to me. Plus some other damaging stuff on top of it.

I think the short way to say that is I can find attraction & sexual interest even when it doesn't just pop up on its own. Not my preferred method but it worked for me.

Hi nams. Great questions. Been away from the boards for a while - just taking a break.



I've often thought I had the answer to this question all figured out - turns out that I probably don't, but I'll try anyway: For me it's an emotional conclusion, based on logical, physical and emotional input.



If it hasn't "happened" within 6-months - I doubt it's going to happen.



Nope, although there are times when I should have! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Yes. I feel this is the most favorable situation for a LTR.



Yes, I think that's normal for nearly everyone, however I am not a big believer in second-guessing decisions we make.

Hope everyone is doing well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

Hi FR, "just taking a break" alone? Tee, hee.

I like your description of chemistry. I think it does encompass a lot of feedback from our brains & else where.

The fact you'd give a relationship 6 months before deciding the chemistry simply won't happen seems like a long time. I applaud your patience.

So FR, what's new in your world?

No,I don't think the instand chemistry is just a man's thing. I have met many women with whom I share many common interests, but they have told me after just one cup of coffee that they sense no chemistry. To me that is amazing. Either I am very slow at judging people, or they are expecting way to much. Most folks don't even get comfortable with another person until after 2 or 3 dates. So how the heck can one judge them before that.

I agree Justin, the quick judgement about chemistry is not just a man's thing.

This is what I've figured out: What many people lable as chemistry could be judgement about whether they feel an instant attraction which would make them want to have sex with that person right then. Not that they would, just that they want to. Or, maybe it's taking an instant attraction & building on it in your mind without reason. Making the person someone with potential in your mind based only on attraction not other characteristics.

Even though I may be thinking there's potential for something to develop, if the man is unwilling to give things a bit more time, I'm better off. Do I want a man who will be so quick to judge something of significance?

Yep - for the most part! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Thanks.


Given that most of us here are divorced and perhaps w/kids - I feel it takes longer to get to know someone because of the time we devote to our family (therefore not to a "potential" mate). It's not like the days of pre-marriage when we could spend a lot of time with someone and therefore evaluate the "chemistry" level sooner. Perhaps I've finally realized that patience is in fact a virtue! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[/quote]So FR, what's new in your world? [/quote] Have a lot going on with DD14, DD20, and work, which leaves little time for "chemistry". I am spending a little time with someone and so far - so good; however I am taking it very slowly. Thanks for asking.

FR