First off, thank you to everyone who is communicating here. I wish I could look to my wife for this instead of online. Hopefully, together, we can all save our marriages.
I just found out my wife has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker.
My wife and I have been married for 11 months, and have been living together for 3 years. We have been together as a whole for 6 years. Most of that time has been great. Not perfect, but great. For the first 2-3 years it was true bliss. A long honeymoon stage. Then something happened over time. I became less able to show her my emotions. I went from being able to say I love you to only being able to say "I duv moo" in our baby talk language we spoke to eachother so lovingly. I became certain (even up until recently) that that kind of talk prevented arguments or strife.
However, I was wrong. She started to tell me she needed more romance, and I knew I was not giving her the time she wanted. law school was tough for me. I did not re-act to those cries for romance.
Still, while things were not perfect, things seemed good. We had a seemingly good marriage. However, I started studying for the bar exam 1 month ago. They make a schedule for us and it causes us to study about 12 hours per day/7 days per week. I wanted to be with her, but I was scared to fail this test. Plus, I didn't think she'd ever do what she did.
And then it happened. She said she didn't want to just sit around while I studied. I of course understood. So, she went to help a co-worker female married friend paint her house. She came home happier than I'd seen in a while. She was excited to go back the next day. And the next. And soon, she was gone Friday, Sat, and Sun. ALL DAY, and would only come home late at night.
I had never, ever in 6 years even thought she'd cheat on me. Now, I started to have doubts. I'd ask her who she was going to go out with. She wouldn't tell me, except to name this girl and her husband. But I felt something was wrong. She was going to the movies, happy hours, shopping, at that house, she even did things with them that she knew I wanted to do with her.
So I though I'd test her. I took her out to dinner 1 week ago and told her my schedule was loosening up and I would be able to be done with my work early on Friday, so we can hang out, and she won't have to be alone. She outright rejected me. Said she wanted to keep her schedule open to hang out with her friends.
Who are these people? What friends? Her only close companion up here moved a few weeks ago. All of a sudden she was spending all this time with this co-worker girl who didn't know me well, I could tell didn't like me much, and who apparently told my wife we're not good for eachother.
Finally, when my wife ditched me that night and didn't care that I was stewing when she came home at 11PM, I confronted her the next day in the car.
She said she had a crush on a co-worker guy, she was very attracted to him, was spending all this time with him and those other "friends," and was planning to go camping with him and those other people in a few weeks.
She denied having sex with him, but at the least, she had committed emotional adultery.
She didn't seem to care. She said she didn't know if she wanted to pursue it with this guy she's known for 3 weeks, or me, who she just married.
I was, and am, empty inside. She doesn't seem to care or know what to do. I have been trying to give her the emotion and time she wanted, but I don't feel true reciprocation. We had a totally emotional talk the other night. It was so nice. We spilled the beans, and she finally cried, apologized, and told me she loved me and wanted to make this work. However, the next day, it seemed like she thought all was fixed, while she is not spending time with those people anymore, she is working with them every day. EVERY DAY. That guy, that girl and her husband. I don't know what do to. How do I make her understand what I feel now? I need her now more than ever to reach for me. Fight for me. She makes me feel like my feelings are stupid, crazy, etc. She says she doesn't know what else to do. She's here, and she spending time with me. We have definitely improved that. No doubt. But I need to be emotionally reassured. She needs to initiate everything with me right now. I need to know, not just hear, that she loves me. I want her back but don't want to be a door mat.
Studying for the bar is not happening anymore. I have no friends up here. All of both our friends are at home in So Cal, which is where we are moving to in 3 weeks. She says she just doesn't text message or call this guy anymore (which she was doing before). I can partially confirm that. But she doesn't seem to get what's on the line here. I feel so alone, and at my wit's end. What kind of person does this after 11 months, and when everything seem at least good just 1 months ago?
What do I do?
