I have exposed to her boss, my brother, and her friends. I stuck only with people that would support us and help us work towards a better marriage. Checking your faq now.

What are YOUR boundaries concerning her seeing him or talking to him? She asked your permission it seems and it seems as if you gave it when she went for her drive.

You need boundaries and she needs to know what they are. You have exposed, you are trying to plan A, and part of that is setting boundaries. At some point you need to set a time to reevaluate and if A is not over then go to plan B.

Be clear, firm, and very forthright about your boundaries. You can do this without LB'ing. But, she must get the message that every time she crosses your boundaries she will her from you in a very clear manner and that she is damaging the chances of this marriage succeeding. No threats, just facts clear, firm and to the point.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you. I will develop boundaries that are firm. Seeing him/ calling him damages the chances of the marriage succeeding. Have to say it to get it. Thanks. Say no when she asks to see or talk to him. I told her that I won't force her to end it, it must be her choice. Is this a good idea?

Thanks,
Brian

Thorstein,

You cannot force her to do anything, so don't tell her you can't or won't. What you tell her is what YOU won't accept and how her decisions affect you. Don't whine or beg, but make it clear, she is forcing you to reevaluate and make new decisions. You have control over you, your life, and where YOU go from here. You have none over her.

Realize this and really focus on this. A marriage, a relationship, is the voluntary coming together of two people. You can only decide how long YOU will volunteer for this. She has to make a similar decision.

So don't tell her you hate the A, but then give her "permission" to go see him if she asks. It confuses that poor deluded mind of hers. Be consistent, be firm, be clear, and make NO threats. Whatever you decide to do, YOU decide and then act as you decide. She is NOT part of that decision process, she is just providing data for you to make your decision.

Sounds cold doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well, it is cold, it is removing feelings from the decision (both yours and hers), and it is the best way to handle this while the A is going on. If you act on feelings you will betray yourself and her. She is acting on feelings now, and guess what she is doing? Betraying you and herself.

You have to be the beacon of stability, consistency, and yes even compassion, but it must come as you look and evaluate the data.

Does this make sense? If not reread about plan A and b and I think it will start.

God Bless,

JL

Update and a question:

I have exposed and laid out the consequences to her (inspired by SAA. I thought I should lay them out before she has to experience them for herself):

What we won't be able to afford (about 30 specific things off the top of my head), who is going to be hurt (50 people, all family and friends), and all of the things (3 pages) she will no longer get from me. The "Stick" to Plan A.

The only things she tried to argue about were waking up to a car freshly brushed off from a snowstorm (because SOMETIMES she parks in the garage.)

She told me she "really wanted to see him" yesterday and then I showed her the list.

I told her it was not okay to go see him, but that I didn't own her, that we are partners.

She went to the grocery to get dinner. She came back in a better mood. This morning the list was neither in the recycle bin, the garbage, or anywhere else. Hmmmm. WS still in good mood today. Since she had birthday money, she asked if she could go to the mall. I told her that she doesn't have to ask me permission, as long as she tells me the truth.

She is starting to expose affair as well.

Any thoughts on what might be going through her head? BTW everything on the list (except for the list of people who would be hurt) was in a positive light. She has noticed my weight loss and the toning of my body. I really hope she is reconsidering.

Question:

I am in Plan A. She has noticed change but still in fog. It is killing me that she still resides with me and is having A. Exposure has been done to all possible.

In SAA, one example has WW leaving house and living in an apartment. Is this the right thing? Should my WW be sent to live in an apartment (with allowance to see kids anytime, of course)?

Hi, T, I was wondering had you set a time line for how long you plan to be in PLan A. Have you read up on both plans?
If you haven't here is the link to What Are Plan A and B?

Maybe this will help you determine what would be best for you.

What is the appropriate approach to WS's anger when the WS finds out that BS has exposed?

you got to just be honest that you felt it had to be said dont apologize for it either but wait for more advice cause im a trainwreck myself when it comes to this stuff right now

jm75 may feel like a trainwreck but he knows what he's talking about! I've had to expose twice, adnd the anger I got was unreal. It will be okay, you can and will get though it! Believe in yourself!