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Wow, Mimi!!!
I'm just curious that if we brought H into the interrrogation room, shined that bright light in his face...and asked him to tell us what happened..
Well...what did he see? and what would he say?
You know him better than anyone...since we can't interview him, what do you think is his perception?
Georgia
Last edited by Formerly G.G.; 07/05/06 01:08 PM.
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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What are you thinking, Georgia?
We seem EVEN closer...even more IN LOVE...
He has become MORE OPEN with me..about other concerns that he has about our relationship right now..NOT MAJOR stuff..but certain gripes...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Well...I'm simply asking what is his frame of reference to this whole thing (re: THE issue)?
I mean..whenever two people disagree they both THINK they are right are they would just automatically change their mind so they would join the "right" camp.
Relating to your posts about his response...why did HE think he was right...you were wrong? Can you get in his head and understand his thoughts?
If he were here pleading his case the way you have...what would he say?
Georgia
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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why did HE think he was right...you were wrong? Can you get in his head and understand his thoughts? I didn't have to try to get into his head. He told me although he was talking in a LOUD voice. When he explained his position to me, sort of at my insistence, he was RIGHT. What he was saying made all the sense in the world to me. He had to SUBMIT TO POJAing..as Pep said on another thread.. To him, he point of view seemed obvious and he didn't need to EXPLAIN himself to me. Actually, I didn't get it until he EXPLAINED. Our main issue was with communicating with each other rather than the issue. What do you think, Georgia, about him thinking that I should be able to read his mind?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I am really struggling with this issue of wanting to FIX/PROTECT/CONTROL. I just now felt compelled do it again with my OS..who seems stressed today. I can't handle their EMOTIONAL PAIN. I don't want them to be UNHAPPY... Just like I couldn't let them cry themselves to sleep as babies... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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"What do you think, Georgia, about him thinking that I should be able to read his mind?"
I caught that the first time I read through....
I think (JMO) that it is wonderful when we get to the point that our spouse can OFTEN know when we are thinking without us verbalizing it.
I think (again, JMO) that when we come to EXPECT that to be the norm...then troubles a brewing....
It seems to me that it is rare that a H will expect his W to know what he is thinking, vice versa seems to be much more the norm. However, whichever direction it points...it's asking for trouble, esepecially if it's partnered with an already contentious issue.
That's what I think....
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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By the way....reality check lunch with my pastor tomorrow. And...I joined that church Sunday morning.
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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A book really helped me, Mimi...
"Between Parent and Child"...and it's first printing was in 1972...into it's 18th when I got it from the library...and I'm embarrassed to say I can't remember the author.
This book helped me with my kids, my H and myself...where I got the separate and equal belief...firmly in place.
Mimi...we were taught that real mothers (the best) felt their children's pain...suffered with them, fixed and protected them from their own emotions...
In retrospect, how prepared does that make the child for adulthood?
Seems like at times they would want their feelings acknowledged, not cured...and other times, the only fixing possible is to change their feelings...exactly what you're getting from them...even OS...
Now...what if we spent the first half of our lives taking on others' beliefs...our parents, peers, relatives...siblings...not picking and choosing...
And the second half, undoing what we're taught when we learn we CHOOSE our beliefs...our lives?
Not something anyone can be expected to get instaneously...
I will share that what I believed was being "good" this fixingholic before you...was living disrespectfully.
When I fixed others...I told them they were incapable, didn't I? I told them they were lost, confused, unable...without intending to...I did that. Helped me break that fixingholic within me. I wanted to live a respectful life...which meant when I had that gut-urge to open the jar or soothe the furrowed brow...I stopped myself. Nodded. Acknowledged...everyone is as capable as I am...my presence is support, my attention counts, no action required...just acknowledge and validate what is theirs...not mine to fix, to DJ...
It's tough, Mimi...like hearing you don't sing so great when you've been singing for 40 years! Whoa...how would that feel, upside down? Something you knew...if it was the only thing you knew as your truth...the way you counted on earning love...wrong. Backwards. Take time and breathe.
It's in God's design...respectful of God...he gave us this respect in our creation, with choice...we have to choose him...yet he is there, already...he does not reach into our lives and soothe anger, take pain or tell us not to feel that way...we have to ask. We have to say the words in our hearts...because of HIS respect for us...his creations.
Emulating God...beginning with choice, that inherent respect, what Jesus preached and exampled...he did not heal whole towns with a wave of a hand...he asked...do you want? What's your choice? Respect.
When we begin this with our mates, especially, then there is no mindreading...no assumptions...DJ's all...and you find your mate new again! You're new again! Your choice is yours...whole and complete...
I have sons the same age as you have...with a tough relationship, off and on, with their father...and their relationship is blooming with each tiny step my H takes, as yours does/did...only now, it is respectful...which is shocking and delightful...listening and acknowledging...and our lecture voices are on break...and our hearts are open, even when we hurt with them...no longer reactive...what a difference, Mimi! Huge...present and respectful...no fixing...giving alternatives when they ask for them...listening, when they don't...being there. Truly being there.
You can do this. I have no doubt.
LA
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I love you, Loving..
Really...
You have touched my heart these past few days...
You are a blessing to me...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Loving, I ordered the parenting book.
I'll talk back at you tomorrow.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I love you, too, Mimi...touches my heart to give back to the woman who inspired me so very much...and continues to do so. LA P.S. I just came across a special request for you from loving_him's first post...Here's the link...not in the subject: Need H with Plan B
Last edited by LovingAnyway; 07/05/06 08:56 PM.
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I have really needed to be quiet and reserved in my real life after "getting this" yesterday. I have been doing a lot of self-observation...BE STILL...I tell myself..as ark says.. I have been appalled by how often I have the impetus TO FIX..without being asked..HOW DISRESPECFUL OF ME..as you say, LOVING... The task: To Live a Respectful Life!!! Also significant..."TO BE RESPECTED" was my H's greatest desire..his major sorrow was over being "DISRESPECTED" by his family...WOW.. Mimi! Huge...present and respectful...no fixing...giving alternatives when they ask for them...listening, when they don't...being there. Truly being there.
You can do this. I have no doubt. YES!! I CAN DO THIS!! It will take a lot of UNLEARNING but I CAN DO THIS!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi ....
My pastor and I had a 3 hour lunch yesterday (don't tell my employer!) and covered a lot of ground on a lot of issues.
One topic was the snare set for a man when he is not receiving the respect (ADMIRATION?) that he craves through the proper channels.
Other thought....unsolicited advice is thinly veiled criticism.
Georgia
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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One topic was the snare set for a man when he is not receiving the respect (ADMIRATION?) that he craves through the proper channels. I want to hear more about the SNARE NET. unsolicited advice is thinly veiled criticism. I know. I know...biting my tongue..almost hourly. He is aware that I am actively fighting the urge not to give advice. I really recommend for you to read the book LOVE AND RESPECT which is based on Christian principals. I bet your pastor would enjoy reading this book too. It's a FOCUS ON THE FAMILY book. I appreciate your male perspective on all of this, Georgia.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Well...I really don't know that there is a whole lot more to say about it. And, I know you've noted in the past your realization about FWH maybe being more vulnerable to temptation(s) when his various needs weren't being met at home. And..I think you even noted that this was more a lack of ADMIRATION from you than any of his more "tangible"..shall we say...needs?
My pastor wanted to focus on that somewhat. Was it, IMO, the lack of having physical needs being met..or was it more a lack of the admiration and respect. I think he was really trying to get me to see what he already realized...it wasn't the physical that was the catalyst, it was the ADMIRATION. (Old news...right?).
Regarding the things currently going on in my life, which I have been very, very careful to give him every detail, his advice is to recall:
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD;And He will give you the desires of your heart
In other words, it's a matter of maintaining priorities. He is advising me to keep God first in my life and it will be His will that the desires of my heart will be supplied. However, should the desires of my heart take precedence..then the temptation referenced above will again rear its head.
Thanks for the book reference. I've not read it...I'll look it up.
Georgia
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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Loving and Georgia..or anyone else whose interested... I don't want this to be viewed as MAJOR..only venting, OK? One of my underlying gripes is this... It seems hypocritical sometimes... H can't handle the criticism..the unwarranted advice... BUT..he wants to pass it out a lot of the time. He wants to "Help me" ..even says: "I'm just trying to HELP"...which he does because he has lots of wisdom and I actually appreciate his advice..and then loves for me to say, "Thank you for your help"...but I'm SUPPOSED to wait until he asks me for advice..this seems one-sided... The good news: Since our conversation about "THE ISSUE", he has seemed more honest and open about relationship concerns... I experience him as being even more TRANSPARENT with me... The same has been true for my sons since I have been practicing a respectful way of being. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi..it seems to me only natural that as you grow (light bulb moments?) there may be a schism in time where H may not have had the same revelation. Hence you may sense the "unfairness" of it all.
I would think that as he observes the "new and improved" Mimi, that he would start to allow some of that to rub off on him too. Possible, you think??
Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .... and why is one-sided bad or undesirable? because it's "not fair" ...big girl panties it's one sided coz nothing is EVER even-steven in relationships ebb & flow Mimi yin / yang your value as a person is not diminished if it seems one-sided... unless you assign that meaning to it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> YOU have the power here Mimi you can choose to be magnanimous & give that moment to him ... unless it's your "hill to die on" .... which, I suspect, it ain't Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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PS Mimi writing that to YOU helped ME repair a little snag in myself just so you know KEWL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Formerly G.G. and Jeb
Me: BS 50
She: xW 50
Jeb: Mini Schnauzer
Married: 29 yrs
Children: MM25, MM23
Plan B - 12/06/04
Divorced - 11/17/05
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