Mimi,

Did you get "Between Parent and Child"? I've forgotten now. I thought you had...this would apply, as well.

I'm really excited you are not stuck in the guilt/shame of what you did...help me out with that when you can, 'k? I admire you greatly for your ownership...could that be getting in the way of your fixoholic?

The lines can blur. You want to undo what you believe you did. Wouldn't that be fixing? Do we fix people and their relationships which are not with us? Or do we only focus on what is ours within our relationships to them...?

Have you owned what you now believe you did to your sons? Have you been sharing all the great acceptance and admiration you feel and believe, now, with them about your DH? Something tells me you have been doing this...and you want faster, better results.

Am I close?

Took time to get this way...will take time to repair...and it isn't yours to repair...just like it wasn't yours to break, really, was it?

Have faith in your DH to do his work and your sons to do theirs...own what you see as your part and do not repeat getting in the way of what is solely others.

Repairing might not look like removing; can be very healing, balancing and a great amend. Takes a lot of effort, too...oh she of MAJOR doing...not being...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

(And to add to books I recommend is Bradshaw's "Family Secrets"...seeing the difference between human privacy...goes to shame/modesty...and how we pass down what we do, generation to generation...so look to where your folks, either one, affected the other's relationship with the children...and bet you can find it in your grandfolks, too. Not an excuse, just more of the whys behind, increasing awareness and changing the dynamic we hand down...at least, one of them.)

LA

Mimi

No parent is perfect - fact. No parent has to get it exactly right all the time; they're allowed to make mistakes. What matters is what they do when they become aware of the mistake. Do they admit that they took a wrong turning and struggle to learn how to do it better in future? Do they demonstrate to their children how a conscience is supposed to work?

What's done is done, Mimi, and your sons and H have to deal with the consequences - on their own. It seems to me you're doing a good job of modelling conscience and personal growth. But don't take on their views and try to re-align them...those views belong to them.

TA

Hi Mimi,
You've been such a comfort and so helpful to me...hoping I can return some.


Ok so you've taken ownership. It sounds like you have told this to your sons. It was your perception and your reality at THAT time.



This YOUR perception and YOUR reality now.

Your sons are young men...learning what it is to be a man. Taking what they learn deciding what they like and what they don't. They have a DIFFERENT relationship w/ their DAD than you have w/ your HUSBAND. Just as you shouldn't have forced your perceptions on THEIR reality before and you shouldn't do it now.It doesn't show respect for them or for your H.

Fathers & sons, mothers & daughters all have the power struggles gaining independance.

You can apologize to all parties for your past behaviors if you feel you must. But your current ACTIONS show more. Are you treating your H w/ the respect you think he deserves? Is he treating you well? Your sons will observe the ACTIONS and draw their own conclusions. By telling your sons 24/7 how wonderful and wise your H is won't make your sons believe it. Your H and your sons will determine what kind of relationship they will have. Relationships evolve over time, you know this.

Mimi relax...BE STILL...love your family and shine your tiarra. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Just my thoughts!

I think your getting good advice....and I am here for support.

(((((((((((((((MIMI))))))))))))))))))

Loving:

About the book BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD...yes, I have it. I had to put it down. As you all may have surmised, there's lots of personal issues here. I started to feel "guilty" about stuff I did during their childhood. Like Cha-Cha said, they are MEN now and a lot of the book seemed to apply to children still at home. I'll go back and check it out.

TA, you got it. I got so caught up into being the PERFECT PARENT and into doing it he "RIGHT WAY".."MY WAY"..because of my own childhood issues. At the end of the day, I've become AFRAID that I goofed up big time in the process...

I, I, I..I was supposed to be PARENTING as a TEAM with my H...




This is moreso it. I don't think that I can FIX IT and that makes me sad. I wish I could FIX IT. I'm grieving over the fact that this happened. I want us ALL to move forward into the NEXT LIFE. The boys, maybe moreso because they are not around ME that much, are more stuck IN THE PAST. (My OS has more dealings with my H). I see myself as having INFLUENCE in trying to move the boys FORWARD. I guess I just need to continue to GLOW because most days I'm HAPPIER than EVER. Talking to my son today got me down because he is SOOO STUCK in the past and seemed to want to take me THERE again...and you know, Loving, that I have that issue of not wanting the children to experience EMOTIONAL PAIN...I KNOW I CAN'T FIX IT...BUT OUCH...I HAVE to take responsibility for a part of this and IT HURTS....

Loving you say:



I don't understand what you mean here....explain this more, OK?

Mimi,

Your sons are very young men yet. They see their "mommy" has been hurt!, and for most young men that is not acceptable! Mom is still the one we go to even at 46. Mom knows how we feel and she usually knows what kind of bandaid to put on it.
You need to have a heart to heart with them, that's all!

Mimi

recognizing the issue with clear vision is MAJOR

you're halfway successful already!

the second half is consistency

you'll be fine honey

Pep

Mimi...the book is how to treat all human beings, I believe...we all have those perpetual children within...even at 46...

When I said repairing might not look like removing...I was saying what TA said...get out of the way! Do not get in the way, influence or otherwise, of what is theirs...their relationship.

When OS was talking to you...listen and repeat...validate his feelings...they are his own...and remember...these are your SONS...they have marvelous genes from both parents; they have new parents, breaking previous patterns...exampling how we change, at any age. They are still learning, growing...as we are. What I meant was, that your fixer hasn't learned what you cannot fix...you're stuck in, "If I broke it, I gotta fix it"...which gets you into trouble, too. People don't break...relationships don't truly break...you do your part as you already have and are...and let go the results. They aren't yours. Those results, those choices...all that power...is your sons and their fathers...let them find their way...

Busy yourself believing and knowing they will...because THEY WILL...even as you have.

Acknowledge and validate their feelings, thoughts and beliefs...speak of your faith in them, that they are capable...and your own choice to believe they have all they need to make their way to a great relationship with their father. Because of who they are and who he is...not because you broke a darn thing.

You were you, then. Doing the best you knew how with what you knew then...so were they. Don't judge them...no DJs...stuck in past or not...sometimes our amends is to get out of the way...respectfully, from love.

I mean you were a major doer...not great at just being...Mimi. Being is important, remember? You being you. The more you stay present...I believe...the more they will become present.

LA

Hi mimi! I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

You may not have posted to me directly, at least I don't think soo, LOL but you have positivily influenced me with some of your posts. I'm here for you should you every need me but today, I know you are in wonderful hands.

I know that me sons are very protective of their mom and why shouldn't they be? We are just as amazing in our thinking as they are their's.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to ALL of you that posted to me today and to all of you who cared but didn't post!

Your words of wisdom and kindness helped me tremendously!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I found the thread on which JL gave me so much helpful information.

My change is so much a part ofme now that I forgot the way I used to be and what I was even asking help about....had to refresh my memory...

Maybe some of this stuff can help someone else today!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can't remember what the conflict was about and my H has not YELLED at me again since that time...WOW!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There's lots of good stuff on this thread about the ADMIRATION NEED..WOW!!!

It's amazing how I've not realized how far we've come...

TIME AND PATIENCE!!!

Mimi,

Hiya! Great thread to bump...for you and others. I was wondering about how much you see appreciation within the admiration EN?

Are you sharing with DH your appreciation for him not yelling? About how far you've come...and how you appreciate in yourself and your marriage all the changes? I do this...part of my O&H pledge...wondered about you.

And wanted to congratulate you, too...people say you're inspiring quite a bit...I wanted to be part of those people and say the same...

You wow me.

LA

Bumping this up in hopes that Rin might be interested in reading this...

Bump up for SL

Look what you prayed up, Jilly..

I FOUND IT!!

THIS WAS A REAL TURNING POINT FOR ME, JILLY...

I thought it was longer than LAST YEAR...

Mimi,

I just found the link for this thread and I was just gonna post it and bam here it is right now. Cool... I am gonna look for the other one you mentioned and then read this one.

Way to go on finding it.
Jilly

I BUMPING this up for others...cause this was one of the most LIFE-CHANGING threads FOR ME...

Some valuable information is HERE...