Well, it's kinda more of the same. I must be a bit thick skulled, I can't seem to really grasp how to implement some of this stuff.

so here is the situation...

It is about expenditures again...

And I know it is hard for you all to see the entire picture but I will do my best to be complete and fair.

kids and i wanted to go back to this place where you play games to win tickets.

I'll admit it, the kids and I had just gone there, (ok, twice!) this very week (which is the first 2 times this year!). We went on Sunday after dropping DH off at the airport because as my daughter put it, "Dad doesn't really like this place" ok, so it can get noisy, I don't blame him for not liking it like we do, i'm just kinda a nut when it comes to games so i don't mind the noise. (in fact, daughter and i have gone with the girl scouts to an event at the same place where you go at midnight and stay till 6am. and i have as much fun as her, most of the other chaperones just sit and talk. me? i'm right next to her. she purposely does not invite any friend cuz she likes it being me and her. They also have lazer tag and miniture golf there. anyway..)

We then went back on Monday (dad was still gone) because we were going to go bowling that night but then found out there was not the 0.99/game special like we thought there was and we didn't want to pay full price when we can go back another night and pay only 0.99/game. but we were out after all and kinda close to this other place again... and... and...

ok there is another reason (yes just as lame)...

on Sunday when we were there there was an outdoor game (top toss) that we saw there that we wanted to try to win. It was something that DS recently saw at Menards that he wanted to buy (it was like $25) but i said no, we have lots of outside games already, bocci ball, crocket, ... Well when we saw it there, the kids decided to poll their tickets and save them till they had enough. In fact we already had tickets from the previous year that had been sitting on my dresser.

So I had this coupon, 80 free tokens when you buy a large pizza and pitcher of pop, kids no it, we were not able to use it sunday because it is only valid mon-fri. We were planning on going out for dinner last night anyway. Any place we went would of costed the same amount (or more) as pizza/pop there (under $20), so kids and i (agreed, we were a bit ticket crazed) wanted to go there. We only needed 1870 more tickets to win the game!! (It required 5900 tickets).

Of course DH could not help himself but to say something about the money. Even though that very morning he went golfing which later, when i asked him, he told me costed $46!! (something he does most every week, if not more than once a week).

Why is it when I or the kids want to spend money we are poor but when he does, no worries?? More importantly, how do I make this issue GO AWAY!!!

Well, he took it back, said he should have kept his comments to himself but that only makes the issue go underground, not away. That is not a good idea. I don't want him to internally be unhappy. I truely want him to be happy too. This is not just about me being able to get my way. Yes I want to comfortably, and without harrasement, be able to do things. But not at his cost.

I suggested a budget, he said that will only cause more problems and that neither of us would like that.

I suggested that we just keep track then, so we can review true data. maybe my perception is wrong, maybe i really do spend more than i realize on entertainment. If that is the case, I can adjust. Maybe he will realize his perception is wrong and stop worrying.

Thing is, if we keep track, he needs to too, right?

He was non-commital about it which means I'll have to try to bring it up again...

I dont want to be disrespectful. I don't want to dismiss his feelings. Is that what I am doing?

I mean if he feels that I spend too much, but i don't, how else can we resolve the discrepency other than keep track?

This is important to me. After all we have been through, i really dont want the same marraige we used to have!!!

I want us to both be happy.

I realize POJA is exactly what is needed here but how to i do it in this case?? When i start to try to come up with alternatives, he says it is not needed, however, very clearly, something is needed here.

ok, thanks for listening, any thoughts?

FL, it sounds to me as though he is trying to work through this. He seems to realize it is not fair for him to complain about the way you spend money when he knows he spends money in ways that don't exactly please you (golf). When he said he should have kept the comments to himself, I think he realized he needed to keep himself in check. I don't think he is avoiding the subject. Sometimes RH says things about what I spend money on, but then, he realizes he spends money on things I don't think he should but, too late, he already said it. Sometimes I want to complain about ways he spends money, but I keep my mouth shut because I know it goes both ways. As long as it doesn't get out of hand, as long as neither of us goes overboard in spending in ways the other thinks is a waste (it is highly subjective, after all)....then we don't squabble about it. I also don't think he's necessarily trying to make you feel guilty about how you spent money....most of the guilt feeling is probably coming from your own way of thinking. Maybe you yourself don't feel you deserve to splurge a little on yourself or your kids, and that's where the guilt is coming from. I struggled with that sometimes myself. And tended to blame RH for "making" me feel that way because of his comments.
Hope this helps. Maybe the fact he wants to drop it means it really isn't that big of a deal.

NOW

HI NOW!!

I saw you posting on Suzet's thread, I was hoping you would give me your thoughts. I often think of you and RH. It sounds like you guys are doing good. Yes?

I took a shower after posting and came up with another thought.

First, this is a re-accuring issue, so for that reason, i'm not sure if just dropping it is a good idea. Plus, at this point, when it happens, it is a HUGE LB for me, as in very HUGE. (although i do acknowledge, i can try to ligten up and not let it be so huge, i'm trying!!). I just don't want my love for him draining away. So I want to seal that leak once and for all. I

Second, I truely believe this: I have NO PROBLEM with the money he spends on golf.

Something JL said to me once enabled me to completely let go of any thoughts about his golf. He said, you want your DH to be happy, don't you? And he is right. Golfing makes DH happy. very happy. I don't want to stop that. The truth is, I never have. Early on, he used to spend most of every Sat either golfing, having drinks after golfing and then napping on the couch for the rest of the day because he was tired from golfing and drinking. He had a permanent tee time on sat. Even after DD was born. At that point in our life, we both worked full time. Weekend time was important to me. I truely would not have had a problem had the amount of time taken away from the family was not so large. It was not about the golfing, it was about the drinking and napping that occured afterwards. He would never believe me, he would always say things about how i hate for him to golf. How I was the enemy. He would make rude comments (he called them jokes) in front of other people and it hurt!!! That was a huge LB for me too.

I believe we are past that stage. I think it has finally sunk into his head that I like him to golf. It makes him happy and I like him to be happy. On his part, he has made changes to when he golfs so it does not always take away from family time. And I appreciate it very much. Whenever possible I help support his choices by being available early in the morning to get kids to school. Sometimes work schedule demands I am in early and i cannot, but i try to as much as possible.

But for as much as I don't mind his golfing... I do have a HUGE PROBLEM with the way he scrutenizes my expenditures.

Clearly his perception is that I do go overboard. Clearly I do not share his perception.

So in the shower I thought... why not just keep track of my expenditures. I don't need him to keep track of his in order to keep track of my own. This way the msg will be, or at least I hope it will be: I care about your perception. I care about the worry and concern your perception leaves you with. I want to help the situation by either showing myself that you are right and therefore changing my habits or by showing you, i really don't go overboard.

Just like everything else taught here, start with yourself. So that is my plan. what do you think?

My husband spends large amount of money on ONE thing...while I spend large amount of money on numerous little things - normally for the house or the kids.

My husband also sees me as spending frivoulous <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> As it's not one one big ticket item... I look and i see that the money I spend is never REALLY for me, unlike his items..

I keep track of my expenditures...and when he used to ask, I started to say, we are well within the amount I budgeted for myself...as we were indeed. I said - I am not budgeting you, but you did point out I go overboard...and I wanted to look at it as a valid concern...and so I began to set MYSELF a budget and stay on it...it had nothing to do with his budget. To get an idea of what I spent each month though _ i DID track my expenditures for a month or two so I could set a reasonable budget to follow.

Since then - he has never questioned it...

thanks Dorry, sounds like i am on the right track then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My H and I have the same problem. I solved it by using MONEY software. I enter all receipts into money and made categories for his recreation, and for mine. I also made separate categories for his gas/and my gas- because he could never believe me when I told him how much gas he uses in one month.

It totally changed his attitude after the frst month of looking at our "spending reports" Money has lots of different reports to help track your income and spending. It has a budget feature, but you don't have to use it- you can just use it to track expenses and income.


It takes a little time- BUT OH SO WORTH IT! Not just to help solve this problem- but I promise you will spend less when you can look at it in black and white.

FL, that is an excellent idea! I like it alot!

RH and I are doing fine. And today is our 22nd anniversary!

NOW

Thanks rwlora. I'm going to just stick to my expenditures.

I have money at home, i use it for our checking account. nothing more. i'll have to look into using it for this reason.

Happy 22nd Aniversary to NOW and RH!! (hope you don't mind the seperate thread)

This is the note i just sent DH...

DH,

regarding money and expenditures...

but first, here is why this is important to me: I care about your perception. I care about the worry and concern your perception leaves you with. Even if you were to totally keep it to yourself. I want you to be happy and comfortable too, not just quiet for my sake.

So, I want to help the situation by either showing myself that you are right and therefore changing my habits or by showing you, i really don't go overboard.

I am now keeping track of my expenditures which will include ALL family spent money that I am a part of (like eating out).

I will not be asking you to do the same. the fact is, i have no concern about your expenditures so i don't need you to keep track. Nor will I keep track of times you decide to take kids out to lunch (or golf, like this morning, i hope you and DS had fun!!).

I hope this concept might prove to be a good one. I'll share with you once a week.

love ya,

Karen