I have posted on resolving conflict. Figured I'd see the response from somewhere else. My W and I are going through some tough times, as I am sure most people are visiting this site. The short version is basically that she has told me that she has lost all affection towards me. We have bee married for 4 years and have 1 daughter that will be 4 this year. She is a work-a-holic and she is unhappy with her life. She feels like when she comes home, she has to be a mother and a W and gets to time to be herself. I understand that feeling. I even encouraged her to spend more time with her friends. Well now every time she is off from work, she wants to be with her friends. She does not want me there. All needs with my daughter are met by me. I get her up in the morn., take her to daycare, pick her up, play and put her to bed. My W use to be home around 6 or 7 every night. Now it is rare that she is home before 10 several nights a week. We have been going to counseling for 3 weeks and we talk alot in the sessions, but after the sessions I just feel like nothing has changed. She even tells me she is willing to do certain things that the counselor instructed us to do, but she will be doing them pretending to care. She just wants her space right now. That is what she has continued to tell me. She hopes that it is just a phase and it will pass on its on. So I have been as patient as possible with her. Trying not to say anything about the time we never see each other. Not saying anything about working, taking care of our child, and doing everything around the house alone. I have just worn myself out. I am tired. Last night broke it open. You see, we have not had any kinda sexual contact in 2 months. Well, last night she goes to a "fun party" with her sister and friends. She doesnt get home until 1:30 AM. When I asked her how it went and what all she did and got, she just tells me that it is none of my business. We have always been very honest and open from the very begining so that did bother me a little. After a little more questions, I find that she got a dildo and a book on how to please herself. The more I though about it the more it bothered me. Why would she get a dildo when she tells me she has absolutely no sexual drive right now. ****** 2 months is a long time for someone in their late 20's. Am I missing something here? I have done my best at constantly putting deposits into her LB. I have tried my best to be patient. One part of me wants to just move on with my life. I feel as if I could easily get primary custody of my daughter. The other side, tells me that this is worth working out. But I dont know how long I can take doing things for someone to try to make her happy that has no intrest in doing anything in return. What should be the next step?

James, spoken like a WS. Again, spoken like a WS. James, it is time to do some sleuthing. Your W is likely a WW. It may not be PA yet, but at least an EA. Has she mentioned anyone specifically? Who are these friends she is going out with?

Find out about her affair!!!! Yes....I said affair!!!! "Needs space..." SUPER DUPER RED FLAG!!! I'd bet my life she's having a PA with someone. Read this site....snoop....don't disclose anything until you come here. Sorry for your pain....read....read...READ!!!!!

jimmy - not to be an alarmist, but your wife very well could be having an affair.

We're not positive, just recognizing that the story you tell is very, very typical of people having affairs.

Do you suspect this - explaining why you posted on an infidelity forum?

I also suggest you start detective work. DO NOT yet ask your wife about an affair. If she suspects that you suspect - and she is indeed in an affair - she'll take extra precautions to conceal it, making it tougher for you to detect it.

Hopefully, we're wrong.

In parallel, take a long, critical look at yourself to try to identify your shortcomings as a husband. It's very rare that the betrayed spouse doesn't contribute SOMETHING negative to the marriage environment that can foster an affair.

My wife and I have always been very honest. Even if the honesty hurts the other. I think the only affair that my wife is having is one with her work. However, when she first told me she was unhappy, I was very skeptical about it. There were many things that would lead one to think that it would be something of that nature. EX. She never has any text messages in her phone, although I know she is always texting her fiends (she has to be deleting them). She is gone longer and later with her work. The no sex thing. Stuff like that made me wonder. But I am telling you, every thing she does is with her friends. 4 main friends. One single, two married, although one has a H that is deployed. I have checked and checked early on. I dont think she is having an PA. She just seems so unhappy, she would rather be at work than with her family. Her major issue I would say is that we were married after she got pregnant. She says that we never got any real time to really know each other and now we never have much conversation. In therapy it is always that we dont have conversation about things other than our daughter and our days. She needs more in depth coversation from me. How can I try to give that to her when she is not committed to give me the time. Yet if she doesnt want this to work, why are we going to counseling? So many mixed signals.

James,

I am living this right now. So take it from someone who defended the idea that my wife could be having an affair up and until the day before I found out about it. I assumed her work (out of town no less) was consuming her, her new friends, "college like" lifestyle and change in behavior (depression, bitterness, angry, low sex or no sex drive ALL THE WHILE FINDING A VIBRATOR ON A LOT AND NEW LINGERIE IN HER DRAWERS). We really do not want to see the truth. It frigthens us. But here it is for you from someone going through ****** for the past 8 mos.

1. she is very, very likely having an affair (at least an emotional one headed towards physical if not already there)
2. she is pleasuring herself while thinking about her new Man
3. she is contemplating leaving you and the marriage
4. she needs immediated shock therapy
A. hire a private eye ASAP
B. look for secret cell phones or records
C. start documenting to the n'th degree everything espicially regarding her abandonment of the children. This will be critical if this moves to divorce and you intend to fight for custody
D. use your mind not your heart
E. study everything on this site and read the books HN/HN and Surviving An Affair to become knowledgeable
F. When you find out for sure it is an affair, confront her and EXPOSE TO EVERYONE YOU CAN THINK OF TO HELP END THE AFFAIR (FAMILY, IN LAWS, CLOSE FRIENDS, CHURCH, PASTOR, WORKPLACE PERSONNEL, THE OTHER MAN'S FAMILY, FRIENDS, WIFE, WORK, ETC). Don't threaten it, just do it right away. she will be furious with you but like they say your marriage can survive anger it cannot survive an ongoin affair. It is an addiction and nothing you say or do can hold a candle to how "they think they feel" when it is going on. Your best efforts to improve yourself, to love your wife, etc are like casting pearls before swine, she will not get it. I promise you!
G. Protect your children from your wife and the affair. Get your finances in order. Cancel joint accounts, do not make any major purchases, do not feed her affair
H. Always speak to the importance and your committment to the marriage and protecting the family against the affair and let the consequences of her actions fall soley on her head. Do not accept any responsibility for the affair even if you could have been a better spouse. She had many choices and made the most selfish, hurtful and bad one she could have made
I. don't beg, plead, or grovel. Read Dobson's "Love must be tough" book.
J. Be prepared for divorce but hopeful of reconciliation
K. Lean on God and friends and family
L. One more time... Protect your children above all else.


I am telling you that I hope to God I am wrong but this sounds like a replay of my WW in my head as I read this, an exact replay!

God Bless

I am not trying to be blind or not trying to be openminded. I have already accepted that this very well may lead to divorce. In counseling I have found out that my W mother's second husband had an affair. My W has discusses with her best friend the whole situation. Fortunatley, her friend wants this to work and she has shared with me their conversations. I think that because my W saw her mother in a marriage where she was unhappy, she is so afraid of doing the same thing that she pulls away from everyone that loves her. She is distant with most of her friends and family. She sees her life as nothing more than work and coming home and going to bed. She says it has become boring and that she feels she is unhappy. She is totally honest with me. I know she is unhappy, I just dont know what to do about it. Counseling doesnt help when one person in the marriage does not want to work on the marriage. She is putting her job first and she know that. She says the marriage can wait. How do I get past that? She doesnt want any more children and she know that I really do. She doesnt want to live in the TN forever (my company is only in TN and it is a very good job). She just thinks that the future will hold too many problems with each of our goals in life and she doesnt want to wait 5 or 6 years and figure out our marriage will not work. She is just afraid of getting stuck and not being happy in the future so she is pulling away now. I seriosly checked the affair issue when this first came up. It was my first thought. I checked phone records, I checked her work. I checked when she told me she was going places. I do not believe that is what is going on. So besides the affair, which I realize it sounds like, what is going on and what can I do to make her realize that our marriage is worth fighting for?

James,
I traveled this road with my wife until about a year ago. I did all the housework, cared for our three children, coached little league and worked. She would come home and "go underground". We had no connection. I recommended marriage counseling and she went off. I thought she was having an affair and asked her about it. She did what most people do and blasted me for even suggesting such a thing was going on. While I was asking, I was hoping I was wrong and even questioned within myself how she could find time. However, I stumbled across phone records and found a number of lengthy calls to my good friend (next door neighbor). She finally came clean and things started to make sense. I'm not convinced your wife is doing the same, but I would do as the others are suggesting and start a little investigation of your own. In addition, I would recommend a couple of books. I know the last thing you probably want to do is read a book, but I would have saved myself a number of headaches if I had read these sooner. First is a book entitled "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing that Happened to Me"..I found myself able to relate to this situation. Next, many people don't like this book, but I found it to be very helpful. Early on, I shielded my wife from the consequences of her actions. I thought protecting her from as much pain as possible would drive her into my arms. Boy was I wrong. The recovery process has been much harder as a result. All of this to say - take a look at Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". You might find wisdom for your current situation, as well as what an investigation might uncover. James, I admire your desire to try to salvage your marriage (I've been trying to do the same thing for the last year). However, you can't make her "cowboy up" until she's ready. Until then, I pray that God puts wise people in your path that will encourage and help you...you'll be in my prayers tonight!

I won't comment on the possiblity of an affair -- there are people here much better than I am at sniffing that out.

But as for the communication -- can YOU make the time? Drop whatever other things are a priority at the moment (TV, work, kids [that's harder, but you can do something -- put a movie on for them, put them to bed, take them to grandma's -- something], household chores, whatever) and spend a few minutes with her whenever you can have them? Be the good example and **really** listen to what she has to say and not judge and not try to fix and not contradict and not try to assign other motives, just ask questions and try to really understand what she's saying? Then try to give her the same back -- what you are really feeling, etc -- then try to negotiate something from there?

I would have melted if my H had ever done that (not that it's his responsibility, but I didn't know how to do it, so I wanted him to). We had (have?) very similar problems -- kids in the picture before M, so no time that was just ours, shallow conversations about schedules and work, no time to really connect, etc. etc. If one of us had had the skill and knowledge to implement some decent, real communication, we'd be in a much better place right now.

I think it was a mistake to agree to let her go out with friends whenever she wants. If she isn't in an affair with a man, I suppose it could be with a woman. There is another new poster here in that situation and there have been others. It could be a workplace romance; certainly not unheard of around here. I agree with the others: much of her behavior - words and actions - are very typical of someone in an affair. Take heed.

You should try to spend 15 hours per week alone with her without distraction. You should try to have weekly date nights. Read up on plan A and contact a lawyer to initially find out where you stand legally in your state. Document everything as has been suggested.

We were able to sit down and discuss the situation last night. She told me that due to her getting pregnant and us getting married so fast she just feels like we never really got to know each other. She feels that we have to different goals in life and that she doesnt know whether we will work out in the future. She has distanced herself trying to find out what she wants. She does not want to give me any false hope. As soon as she turned 25 she said she just looked at her life and saw that it isnt exactly what she pictured for herself. She feels like in a way she wants a divorce because if she thinks it will not work in the future they why stay together now. She told me that she feels that our personalities just are not very compatible. She does not want to make a mistake though and that is why she wants her space, to figure out what she wants. We have agreed that for the sake of our daughter, we need try to make the marriage work. We discussed kinda starting from scratch. Going out on dates like we had just met and doing more talking that dating so she can see whether she can fall back in love with me instead of going through our regular routine. I know she has agreed to this, but I get the impression that she already has her mind made up about our marriage. Is this a good idea? Or does anyone have any other ideas?
Thanks, Jimmy

Jimmy - those things are good ideas - if you are both sincere.

Take her up on it and court her like you did in the beginning. At the same time, be a model Dad.

But everything you describe of her statements and actions are 100% compatible with those of someone in an affair. Maybe coincidental, but word for word right out of the wayward spouse script.

WAT