Well my situation is probably much different than most here. I am the super effectionate husband and my wife can do without. The times I feel her come closer are the times I am more distant. We struggle with this constantly. She feels I am smothering and I feel she is distant. The more distant she is the more smothering I am. I horrible cycel really. It usually breaks after some time, but I can nevr place my finger on the actions or words that bring us closer to equilibrium. I know that if she were just to give me more affection, I wouldn't feel as much need to give her so much.

Any ideas on how to reach a balance in our marriage. Our sex life is wonderful, and I wouldn't change too much there (more affection is all). I see all the wonderful suggestions on this forum that I could do to be more affectionate to her, but nothing on how to make someone else more affectionate.

Please help!

I have a similar, but not the same, issue.

When we filled out the ENQ and talked about it, it turns out that my wife's #1 EN is affection - great, because I'm really affectionate! But she also told me that there are times that I shouldn't be super affectionate - like trying to give her a hug while she's trying to get dinner ready. Okay, fair enough, and I've been a lot better about it now that I know it's a problem.

On the other hand, I told her I needed more affection from her. She's never been one to turn down affection, but I told her I'd like for her to reach out and grab *my* hand, or give *me* a spontaneous hug, or cuddle up to *me* in bed instead of me always being the one to do these things. I have yet to really see much improvement.

Have you guys done the ENQ and talked about the results? Maybe receiving affection just isn't important to her?

Dan and Bit...

I have read many times of this dynamic in a marriage...

Until I read, "Facing Love Addiction," though, I didn't know it wasn't making someone else give me affection...it was a human reaction, a normal give and take, coming from fear.

I think both of you could benefit by posting in the Emotional Needs forum...gets more traffic...

You're not alone. Bit's right on about the questionnaires...they are surprising...

Define what affection (an EN) represents to you...approval, acceptance, an act of love, admiration...pinpoint the symbol...and know these also as signs of what you lack in giving to yourself...

During a tough time with my WH, I learned to give myself affection, after defining it...foot massages, rubbing on lotion (I know that some guys think that's icky); self-hugs, even hand holding (looks like clasped hands until I made it a state of self-affection)...

One thing I think the Harleys don't do well in their literature is to show levels...because they depend on the spouses, all individuals...getting your needs met isn't possible when they are huge...and knowing what is moderate in partnership, is difficult because of focusing on that need not being met makes it bigger...

Proportions matter. My DH used to believe I was unfillable...which pulled him to withdraw...why try and fail? Putting all our needs on our partners, choosing to see it as me being filled from the outside, was unreasonable, and engineered my biggest fear...not being filled at all.

Filling ourselves brings a whole and complete you to a whole and complete partner...where you can complement, not complete, to thrive.

You can do this...you're not weird, you're not alone...and you're not wrong.

You're learning a new way to live, if you'll read all of the articles on this website, and growing.

Welcome.

LA

i have the same problem you do except im a woman. my husband says that im too affectionate and that i shouldnt do it as much. i really dont see a problem. after a long day if i want to cuddle with my husband and watch tv it shouldnt be a problem but it is. cuddling is even worse than being affectionate.
it seems alot easier for him when its at his convience. should i stop altogether and wait for him to make the move? if so, i probably wont get touched if it was up to him. i try to back off and when i do i get nothing...not thank you for not hugging me... nothing...but as soon as i want to touch him he is irritated.
it bothers me because lately m-f he is too tired to have sex and the only day we have is saturday and it starts all over. we have only been married for 5 months. the sex is good but sometimes i want more than one day out of the week.
am i the crazy one for feeling like im not getting enough from him. i wish i had a guy that was affectionate.
how can you become less affectionate?