So here is the question, what is the arguing winning? I have learned in my arguments there is nothing gained. What matters is getting each other to listen to feelings without a lot of emotions going on.

because she's still in contact with OM, when she told me she wouldnt be anymore and it's hard to accept, and I am human and it hurts so much, she lies lies lies, and nothing I say gets through to her.......

Of course she is going to lie......if she felt she had to seek out another person to have a relationship with, then she doesn't feel intimate enough to be honest with you. It's that simple and she is going to continue to lie until she gets to a point that she sees there is something wrong with the way she is thinking.

And naturally you hurt and you have a right to. But still, does it help for you to be angry and argue? I know that is how you feel, I know that is what happens, but is it winning the battle? Would it be better just to walk off from the argument? Don't allow the OM to gain ground by being throwing angry words at her. She needs to know you are hurt, but men show that hurt too many times by anger, and not just by the words.

Just got off the phone with her and we argued of course....I'm so tired of it. I try not to, but all she does is throw insults and tell me how hurt she is that it's over between her and OM, I guess because he betrayed her by forwarding me her e-mail to him yesterday.

She belittles this website and calls it my little website and everyone that posts her are cult members.

I ask her to decide if she want she wants to go to MC and she say's she's not going to tell me what to do and I'f I need an answer right now then it is to file, otherwise I have to wait for her to decide what to do.

Why does she get to wait to decide? and I have to sit around like some sap and wait for an answer.... everytime she tells me to wait, she continues to contact OM.

My head hurts so bad over this, and she makes my pain and suffering out to be nothing compared to hers.

Mike,

SLOW DOWN!!!!

Seriously. Your wife is hurt and confused. She probably feels like she's just been tossed around by a tornado. And she's going through WITHDRAWL! Would you expect a drug addict... in the throws of withdrawl... to be able to think rationally and make sound decisions about his or her life? No, of course not.

She will come to see and understand your pain in time, but right now she's in such mental and emotional turmoil that she's not capable of having empathy for you. I know that must be frustrating... even infuriating... but that's just how it is.

She has suffered a loss. From your perspective, I imagine it looks like just the loss of a vile, nasty, destructive part of her life. Not much of a loss there, right? And she may see it that way too... eventually... like many months or even years from now. But RIGHT NOW she's in mourning. She's mourning the loss of something that filled a need in her for a long time. And that HURTS! You need to give her some time to work throught that pain before you can expect her to recommit to the marriage and start doing anything to repair the damage.

Doesn't SAA discuss withdrawl and what you can do to help her through it, while still maintaining your own sanity? Go back and read that chapter again.

She's not going to snap out of it tomorrow... or even next week... maybe not for many weeks. You've got to have patience.

You can do this, Mike.

Be strong.

Plan A.

and SLOW DOWN!

--SC

Think about it this way bro, your wife just realized that the OM may not have the same feelings towards her as she has for him. You may have a wife that feels used right now and betrayed, not too much unlike the way you've been feeling.

She staked her whole life on the possibility that her and the OM could have a great life together. Despite the fact that it was based on fantasy, to her it was her reality and now it's come crashing down. How do you feel about the fact that this OM may have used your wife? That anyone could do that to your wife of 17 years?

I've been there man. I am at the point now that if mine comes back, I may not want her back. But the single most prominent feeling I have towards my WW right now is pity. I feel sorry for her that she's thrown her whole life away on some fantasy and may be in the process of losing everything for it.


Z