Well I thought it was long overdue to give an update. I guess my sig says most of it.
The Dork is still with this current Ditchpig4. DP1 was before I ever met him. DP2 was an EA and we were in recovery for 3 years. Turned out it was not a lasting one. I won’t say it was false. We both let things slide back into bad habits. And at the same time his inner conflicts shut him down. I know now that he was withdrawing and giving himself permission to permanently disengage form me and DD.
Sadly and to my ever lasting regret, my H and DD’s father is dead. Oh not physically. But definitely emotionally dead. I see little in the way of any redeeming qualities in this walking dead man.
And all the efforts in the world cannot revive him. He has surrounded himself with only enabling ppl AND adulterers. He just cannot face himself. So he has cut off all contact with everyone that does not condone his pathetic choices.
His shame and his guilt have him frozen in fear. He is terrified of being alone. And that was always a huge issue. He never did stand up and do anything on his own. He never did work on himself and try to gain knowledge or self-awareness of the underlying issues. And even though it is so clear that he has a life-long pattern of CA-Conflict Avoiding and Passive-Aggressive behaviour, it is not something that he can ever acknowledge.
Because of course, that would mean HE would have to take responsibility for his behaviour and his choices. And that is something he cannot do. He went to counselling a few times. But only heard what he needed to hear to continue to blame others for his choices. Same bad habit different skank. NO personal growth at all. The lies he tells to himself and to me and DD are a way of life. That saying “if they open their mouth, it’s a lie” holds true.
I can’t say too much about this one. Dork and I were seeing each other again and I was blindly trusting him when he said that we had to take it slow to get back on track. All the while shopping aorund for another skank. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
She is the worst of the bunch. The most desperate, the most controlling, the most stubborn, the most addicted, the most evil, the one with the least character of them all. DP2 let go very easily. DP3 dumped his butt when she realized that Dork’s wife and DD were not ever going to accept her in our life.
But this one! BLECH! She makes my skin absolutely crawl. That HO had the nerve to tell DD that Dork is hers! And that Dork loves DP4 more than he ever loved DD or me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
And when DD finally told me that, and I went ballistic at her selfish cruelty, Dork remained in that dark corner of his own making. He never reassured DD. He never apologised for her. He never even acknowledge at how devastating and cruel that HO is.
What he did say to me was that I should call the skank by her real name. And that IF I stopped insulting her, he could stop defending her. That is not going to happen. She will always be the DP4 ****** who encourages my WH to ignore his DD. And of course I understand that it is his choice to be with such trash.
Because we all know that a person with a good heart and morals and family values would never intrude into a marriage. So the dregs are all that he can be with.
Right now the Dork is in Pearl Harbor on his way to the Far East. He has been gone for 3 weeks or so. One email to poor DD. All about how tired he is. Ignoring DD’s daily emails and her questions. Not once has he held out his hands to his only DD. Not once has he comforted her in her pain.
He even had the nerve to tell me that if DD does not accept his choices that he won’t talk to her at all.
Emotional blackmail.
But of course DD is not about to condone or enable his adultery. But she is struggling. She is fighting every day against feelings of abandonment. And feelings of being unloved.
Dorks’ love of her is conditional. He only responds kindly and with positive emotion if DD ignores his adultery. So on the very few occasions that he made the effort to see her, she pretends that he is her father. But the pain is almost unbearable for her.
Our IC has said that it is good for her to turn her anger and her questions towards the source of her anguish. And that is to the Dork and the DP4.
DP4 has never responded to DD. Well how could she? What she is doing is unjustifiable. And Dork is in the same boat. Excuses for his actions are all we ever hear. He can’t be with me. He can’t email her. BLAH BLAH BLAH. And when DD asks what he will do, he refuses to answer. He reacts. Never thinks long term. Never plans anything.
Dork did file for a Divorce in July of last year. But waited to serve me until the anniversary date of my exposure to his CO. In December. All the while refusing to sign off on the support and other financial issues. And giving me and DD hope by saying things like feeling can change. That right now he has to think things through. YADA YADA.
Basically being a cake-eater supreme. After all, if he is not divorced how can he commit to the DP4? Well she is still married anyway. He still insists that they re just friends. That their R is a casual one only. BLECH!
So he kills his DD’s love every day for a “friendship?” How sad is that? But he knows it. I understand that he is working very hard to fulfill his own prophecy. He told me over two years ago that in two years ago, he would be homeless, jobless and on the street with no hope of ever being happy. Well he lives in a basement room when he isn’t at the DP4’s house, has nothing to show for all his years of working. Has never lived on his own. Has never been without a ‘mommy’ to ‘take care of him’ while he sits back and chooses to let other ppl control him. Which of course gives him permission to be emotionally withdrawn and without making a true commitment. The classic Freeloader.
All I feel is pity, mixed with anger and soul-wrenching sadness at the waste. He is emotionally bankrupt. And he did this to himself.
And the thing is, he used to be a Buyer. But after FIL died, he went into an MLC and has never recovered. He thinks only of what he doesn’t have. Not what he did have. And what little he has left, he has continued to destroy His integrity, his honour, his family, his self-respect. All with the help of the DP4.
I guess I am still struggling to understand his self-destructive behaviour but I just don’t get it. He is addicted to instant fixes. The hard work to even acknowledge his issues has terrified him so much that his lies to himself are in reaction to any questions about his actions.
But I will not help him to run away as running away from your problems is impossible as he is the problem. I acknowledge that I was not sympathetic to his unhappiness. He gave up on himself and on us. I never did. I did not break my vows or my promises. He did.
So DD and I struggle along. His obligations to us will be taken care of by the courts. The mandatory counselling, the financial issues, etc. And I am not helping him get a divorce.
He can do that on his own. I am in no hurry. Because once there is a divorce, ALL visitation will cease. And Dork knows that. DD has told him repeatedly IF he divorces me, he is divorcing her too. We have spoken to the IC about this and he has assessed DD. He found she has a well-developed sense of values and is very mature for her age.
I guess that is why Dork refuses to answer DD’s questions. She has repeatedly asked him if he intends to marry the "evil married woman" If he loves her <gag>. He has always denied or ignored the questions.
Anyway, I have a job I love, we have great friends who understand and love us. We have a few very special friends that substitute for Dork in the role model of what a loving caring father should be. But I am not ready to commit to anyone else. This is not settled by a long shot. I am far too raw and bleeding to even consider a new relationship. Won’t go there until after the divorce and more counselling. I never want to be in this place again.
So long and rambling but doing okay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
