I'm trying to gain some insight as to how an affair may end, particularly from the vantage point of a WW. My WW is still carrying on hers and I keep speculating as to how it may die and what it entails.

Generally, what types of minefields will she come across, are there any typical time-frames for when she may start to sour (or OM may start to sour), and overall how her affair may play out in the long run given former experiences of posters here.

I realize ALL affairs are different and while there are always statistics and trends hers may not fall into these categories.

I'm really just trying to educate myself on how these things end up from a FWW point of view, if possible.

While this should not, and is not my focus, I am very curious.

im not fwws but im going through what your going through,from what ive learned so far the affair flourishes in the dark and in the light its not as actractive any more did you start to expose it to people you guys know yet the pressure from people who care for her will make it hard for her to stay in the feel good all the time with him moment and hopefully make it become a hassle

I have exposed to my family and some friends and she knows that. Her family knows and she's been getting some pressure from her mom, but her parents live 6 hours away and still haven't talked to her face to face. Let's just say they aren't helping too much. What daughter wants daughter gets, I guess.

The sad part for her is she doesn't have any good people around her right now who can guide her to a better place. Most of the people she associates with have most likely either encouraged her A or have turned a blind eye to it.

One of my biggest concerns is that she is making incredibly destructive decisions, life-changing decisions, seemingly on her own and without much concern for her future (let alone mine).

All I can do is let her go and pray she will see her mistakes.

I was caught...online...and my husband gave me the choice there on the spot to choose him or the OM, but not both...I had htought my husband didn't love me...and his raw emotion showed me he did.

I chose him on the spot... OM tried to contact me for a month...H and I together told his wife and send a NC letter a month after I was caught...never heard from him since...it's 19 months later now.

Dorry,

Wow! Sounds like you made the right decision before it got much worse. I wish my wife had someone like you to talk to. Thanks for the post.

I think my WW also thought I didn't love her or respect her and felt her best option was/is to fall into the arms of OM. If only she knew how much I realize my mistakes and want to heal with her, unfortunately she will not forgive.

Hi, corinth...

Did you expose to OM's family and friends, too?

I don't care to share how my A ended...it's embarrassing and awful to me...I share, anyway.

My A went all the way through...from infatuation to ending, all in front of my BH. A torturous thing...lasting six months...full of horrible decisions, retaliation, and judgment...constant comparisons between OM and BH...and you know how it unravelled? The fantasy became real...and reality was awful.

I had created the OM to the image I wanted...pretended he was all the my BH wasn't...and images don't last, thank goodness, because what I ended up seeing was someone very much like my BH...and nothing remotely close.

Waking up is hard to do...took me another six months to get to where I saw what I'd done, wrecked so much...and I thank God I did wake up and begin fighting for my marriage and myself.

Affairs aren't about OP's...they are about us...

Please do not believe you drove her to her affair choice...that's the wayward state of mind...you had your half of the marriage and none of the affair. Forgiveness isn't what is holding her on the road of destruction...resentment is...and we create that ourselves.

Waking up is hard to do, corinth...you have...know this and be grateful...not down...love yourself more, forgive yourself, and choose to love and live respectfully...because you are better than any OP out there...you are her husband.

LA

Hi Corinth,

I'm a BS myself but since OW was my also my best friend (yes, that really stings) I had a few talks with her after D-Day to try and understand "why" (I hadn't found MB at that time).

Even though my H made it clear to her that it was only about sex, she started thinking more of it, asking him if he could get away for a romantic weekend in Paris etc. What I mean is - it's incredible how a person can delude himself. OW in my case was feeling all romantically involved with my H, even though it was very, very clear he only used her for sex (and she used him for it). They never even kissed or hugged. Yet she didn't feel like a P... she felt "special"... she thought the world of my H...

Until I found out and the bubble burst. It took some time for the fog to settle, but then OW realised it had all been just for the sex and never about wanting a complete relationship with her.

So if she could make up this fantasy in these circumstances... imagine what happens if the OP goes along with the fantasy, talking about love and life together? Even when it's never going to happen and/or if they will find out what the other person is REALLY like in REAL day-to-day life and not in some romantic fantasy? Then yes - reality is going to hit hard.

BTW - is WW still living with you at this moment ?
And have you read up on plan A an B on this website ?

Best wishes to you,
Brit from Belgium

Thanks LA and Brown,

My WW let her family know about the affair a while ago, but I'm sure some of her family doesn't know yet. Some of her friends know because I believe they supported her in her secrecy for a while, claiming she was staying with friends while she "figured things out," but she was really sleeping over with OM.

I haven't really gone exposing too much to her side, but I think we're past that now. Enough people know to whereas now my WW is upset at me because she thinks I haven't told my family my side of the problem. Says she wants to call my family but fears she may cry since she has been so villified by me.

I told her they are very upset by what she did (that's putting it lightly) but she is more concerned with her image with my family than with actually realizing her total violation of our marriage.

She claims she had decided to divorce me before the affair and to be fair to her I believe she did, but that still gives her no right to cheat. There is never a right to cheat. It devalues everyone involved. Any grievance she may have had gets tossed once she cheated. It's like putting out a fire with gasoline.

She SHOULD feel villified, and the more the better. That would be a good start toward actually apologizing, instead of blaming me. I have told my family everything, my side and her side, no shading of the truth at all.

My greatest assest now is not in destroying my WW, it is building myself up and that means recognizing my faults and rooting out all of my own indiscretions.

I simply wish my WW would get past what LA calls her resentment. But honestly, I think she has a whole other level of reasons for wanting out of our M. Most of them having to do with her being narcissistic and consumed by her work.

Dear Corinth,

It seems there's plenty of resentment in you as well. That's quite normal at this stage. In fact, it would be strange if you would feel calm and uninterested.. that might mean you're not the least bit interested in your M.

But please read up on plan A on this website. If you will hurl all this pain and resentment in your WW's face you'll will put gasoline on HER fire, giving her even more reasons to think OM is a more suitable partner for her.

Is your WW still living at home, with you ?

Thanks for the post Brownhair,

WW is no longer living with me. She hasn't ever since I kicked her out after D-day. She found an apartment across town, moved out all her things and is living there now. We only talk about once or maybe twice a week to discuss splitting up the assests. I suppose one of her next moves is to file for divorce.

I've tried to soften my image immensely in the past few weeks. I'm in IC and working on the things I did wrong in our M. My WW feels like I'll always use disrespectful judgments on her and sees no chance I will ever change. It will take me some time to work through my side of things, but with her seeking divorce so quickly it doesn't give us much of a chance.

She just wants to put this whole M behind her and move on with her life. I wish someone besides me would tell her that divorce will not fix the problems. I wish she would at least try to work on it, then if there really seems like there's no hope, then get the divorce after all avenues have been thoroughly exhausted.

I admit it seems like an impossible task to rebuild this M. I am not being naive about it, however, I know God does what we think is impossible. I just wish she would be open to even the chance of a possibility of maybe healing.

I have read Plan A and B. I'm sort of in a hybrid Plan A/B right now, giving her and myself plenty of space, but I've been emailing her every now and then and telling her I love her and care for her.

She wants none of it (at least on the surface) and by her insistence on divorcing me I guess she doesn't!

The last email I sent said I release her to make her own decisions and told her I hope her future is bright.

I'm trying... I just don't want to smother her. She runs from her problems so that makes it hard when I just want to confront all of them... now! One big lesson here for me is patience and accepting that I ultimately cannot control any of this.

Since you've been working on DJ's, Corinth, I want to highlight the one in your last email...can you see it?

I know you're working on a lot...and control is what is behind DJ's...along with a lot of hidden payoffs.

No bash intended...no 2x4...just a nudge, 'k?

LA

LA,

I know in an earlier email I wrote something like she should feel villified. That may be one of them.

In the last email I'm not sure. Maybe...

"She wants none of it (at least on the surface) and by her insistence on divorcing me I guess she doesn't!"

Is this the one you're talking about?

DJ's are tough for me, because most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's a reaction. So, yes, it's about control and knowing how people perceive what I'm saying. It takes work.

On another note, I talked to her today again very briefly since we are changing our cell phones over. She always manages to slip in the fact that she's going somewhere or doing something. Without even asking I now know she's going to the lake today (I assume with OM) and next weekend she's going camping (with OM).

These are things I don't need to know or want to think about. These are the fun things I want to be doing with my W, not having some other guy doing them with her.

I can't tell if she's just casually telling me and not thinking about it, or if she's rubbing it in my face. I keep wondering if when she has her first real fight with OM, if she'll still think he's her match. If the first time he uses a DJ, will she think a little harder about her affair?

bmp

What has OM got that I don't have? She's honeymooning with him right now. We're married but OM is honeymooning with my wife! When it ends, will she start to see it's all a lie? I wonder if she'll ever see it, or if her anger toward me will continue on past her current affair and into the next.

Is it possible for my WW to have a normal relationship with OM after our D? I talked to her today, post-d-day by about two months, she told me she is "happy" with her decision.

It hasn't been a long time, but now I'm wondering if she can actually pull it off. She resents me telling her this decision will hurt her in the long run. She absolutely believes this is going to better her life.

I have to admit, when someone believes in their cheating this much, it's hard not to believe them.

Like looking them in the eye and you can't even see an ounce of remorse. Could OM really be her perfect match?

Sorry, Corinth, that I missed your response to my post...

You caught the DJ I saw...have you found your payoff for it? I ask because DJs are beliefs...and finding why we choose those harmful beliefs helps rid us of them...

When you said she slips in her plans...and you hurt...why not state:

"Please do not tell me of your plans. I feel stabbed when you do because I want to be the one doing these with my W, not having some other guy doing them with her."

There's no DJ...total ownership. Open and Honest (O&H)...worth sharing and knowing...not based on possible response. Your truth stated.

"I can't tell if she's just casually telling me and not thinking about it, or if she's rubbing it in my face."

You are limited in your mindreading, aren't you? Two choices? There are several I can think of...and no, I won't go there. Stop stabbing yourself...you are right...you can't tell because she doesn't state.

"I keep wondering if when she has her first real fight with OM, if she'll still think he's her match. If the first time he uses a DJ, will she think a little harder about her affair?"

How does thinking about this comfort you? Be more honest with yourself...because our brains do not know the difference between reality and fantasy...and if your brain is filled with what ifs...then it will believe she has had her first real fight (if you keep wondering over and over), and think he's her match...DJs do that...they have a payoff...only then, your brain will hand you frustration, anger, resentment...believing OM is better, a real match...because you trained it to believe this...instead of staying in reality, where you don't know...and you only control you, know you.

Self-sabotage accentuates our betrayal...can add self-betrayal into the mix and continue those informative emotions, which are no longer valid, are they? We are limited, as humans, to knowing The truth through actions...the rest is our perception...getting grounded in reality helps us receive real emotions, honest information, which clarifies, relieves, empowers and creates.

Instead of telling her that this decision will hurt her in the long run (predicting others' futures)...why not an O&H statement that's true today:

"I feel a lot of fear. I believe I will hurt for a long time. I am wrestling feeling inadequate, replaced and discarded by your affair."

Whatever is your truth, it is worth stating. Simply, directly.

When you ponder the question if OM could really be her match...would that be a DJ to self? How does it benefit you to "not help" believing when she believes so strongly? Does that tell yourself..."Self, you're stupid, defective...inferior." I don't think self deserves that at all...

You can choose to believe you are separate and equal to everyone on the planet...because by God's design, you are. Marvelously made...and when you truly believe this, you'll see her beliefs are hers...her truth--thoughts, feelings, perspectives and perceptions--are solely hers. Not THE truth.

You have yours...others have theirs. Would that help you choose NOT to believe what she believes in her wayward state of mind? To not be swayed through the fanatic inside your WW? Because fantasy starts with a fan, too...don't root for that one...stay in your own beliefs...choose them wisely; this is what I believe is living respectfully. Do not take on what is not yours...and do not put on others what is solely your own.

There's an important difference between connecting to others and enmeshing with others...

Oh...and for all your wonderings...you are going into a future that isn't here...stay present...because where your focus is, there is your treasure...which means you are living in fantasy...the future is, until it's here.

Be good to yourself, Corinth...aligning your beliefs reduces fear and increases love...so you can be patient, kind, enduring all things...loving yourself the same way.

LA