I'm at my wits end, but I'm not giving up yet.

MY QUESTION
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What powers does a parenting coordinator have with regards to custody and controlling irrational parents?

Can I somehow demonstrate that the children will have a better future with me than their mother, so I should be granted residential custody? Our present custody arrangement is about 43% (me)/ 57% (she). (read below)

Should I look for a strong parenting coordinator who will clearly say when one parent is wrong and not be afraid to offend either parent and also not hesitate to report to the court?

Thanks.

BACKGROUND
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A parenting coordinator was recommended to help smooth the differences between my ex-wife and me on parenting issues.

We hired a psychologist who has also been treating my daughters (ages 11 and 13) and me for parental alienation induced by their mother. We have been seeing him for 1 year with little progress. I'm going to look for another one.

My ex-wife runs to him for every minor thing I do. In turn, I have to explain my decisions. Fortunately, he sides with me all of the time. I had an evening class and left the girls alone for 4 hours one day. While I was in class my ex-wife came to my home, asked the girls to let her in and toured the inside.

Under her parenting, the girls live in squalor, have poor manners, lack guidance, don't know how to do things normal pre-teens should know, etc. They don't put toilet paper on the holder and let it roll around the floor. They leave their bath towels, underwear, and clothes on the bathroom and bedroom floors. They don't face people when talking to them. They don't address people by their names to get their attention and instead just talk into the air. I mean they just don't have any manners or social skills. They just study, chat on the computer, eat junk food, and swim.

I'm trying to convey that we are a family with 2 highly educated parents (both with graduate degrees in engineering and business from good colleges), and I would expect that the children should learn proper social and life skills, have similar ambitions, learn to be disciplined and organized in their lives, respect others, have compassion and courtesy, etc. Instead, they live day-to-day because their mother imposes no rules upon them. Therefore, they view life in my home as restrictive because I like to keep it tidy and expect common courtesies from them.

It sounds like you have expectations of your children. Have you discussed these with the girls?

When you find a definition of a parenting coordinator, please post it as a judge recommended we seek one out. I'm meeting with my daughter's counselor to discuss whether she can act as one. However, I know that X will not use a parenting coordinator anyway. He ignored the mediation results and her recommendations.

Only a custody evaluation would impact custody, I doubt the parenting coordinator would have any say. Our state, NJ, tends toward 50/50 whenever possible. You have the nearest to this possible. Are you using your parenting time wisely?

Do you enjoy being with your children? Are you enjoying activities with them?
At their age, you can leave them alone in the house, but do you have the "right of first refusal" in your agreement? Mine states the other parent should first be asked to care for the children. Perhaps that is why their mother was concerned.

My point, don't sweat the small stuff. Teens do leave things around the house. It's up to you to set the rules and boundaries in your home and it might be different in their mother's home. That's fine. And it's not under your control.

So, do you have the family and relationship you want with your girls when you have them? If not, worry about that, not about time.

Preteens do live day to day, and, as Newly said, leaving their clothes on the floor is very typical preteen and teen behavior.

Kids with even mild auditory processing disabilities, as well as Asperger's and some other issues, can not concentrate on what they are saying if they look at you while talking. This is disconcerting, but not under their control.

I think it unreasonable to expect your children necessarily to have ambitions similar to yours, and it is a rare 11 year old who is thinking ahead to grad school.


If this is the worst that you can say about them, I think you are pretty fortunate. It is particularly interesting that you listed "study" first.

I knew my brief posting wouldn't fully explain the situation. Don't get me wrong, I'm very, very, very patient with the girls and by no means extreme. They have a lot of latitude in my home, but to put things in perspective, one babysitter quit because she found the girls too undiciplined and rude. The current babysitter doesn't like the girls at all but needs the money, so she just does whatever to please them. They are not wild or loud but have learned to use people, especially me. When they don't get what they want, they complain to their mother, who informs her lawyer, who writes a nasty letter to me, who then ignores it.

BTW, I should have worded things correctly. They "chat on the computer, eat junk food, study, and swim." That's more representative of their routine.

However, we've gone off-topic. I gather that a parenting coordinator won't be of much help here.

From a neutral view, the girls basically lack guidance. Their mother spoils them with gadgets, cell phones, unlimited movies, a million cable channels, etc. They have lost interest in everything except those things that are familiar to them, such as chatting on the computer, ordering movies, and watching TV. They used to go out and dig up worms, play kickball, ride their bikes, and other "normal" things.

I understand the changes during adolescence, and it's easy to distinguish their adolescence from their resentment of me. However, by this age (around 13 years old) they should know or at least understand basic manners, courtesies, and respect for others.

I had hoped a parenting coordinator with a firmer hand could better control my ex-wife.

My minimal expectations of the girls' behavior are well known to them, and really, very basic. I don't expect prep school manners, just decent behavior that isn't sarcastic or meant to demean another.

The children have regressed considerably over the past two years, and I recognize that it will take several years for them to catch-up.

My understanding is that a parenting coordinator looks out for the children's best interest when the parents disagree. For example, let's take school holidays. He/she will essentially mediate a resolution. In more serious situations, the parenting coordinator can report back to the court with recommendations. My example of this has to do with my desire to travel overseas with my children. My ex-wife invoked the Hague Convention in order to prevent me from travelling overseas with the children. Countries that are signatories to the HC agree to reciprocate child custody laws of the originating countries. Unfortunately, India is not a signatory. Our parenting coordinator evaluated my risk of flight and issued a report recommending that I be allowed to travel overseas to any country with the children. Now, a judge or arbitrator will use the recommendation to make a judgement. My ex-wife will surely try to defeat the recommendation.

Parenting coordinators can have a lot of influence upon the court. However, they cannot order a parent to do anything. The problem with parenting coordinators is that they can only make recommendations.

I'm looking for a new one because I don't think my current one is influential enough on my ex-wife.

The mediator I recommended to you recently co-authored an article with a parenting coordinator explaining the differences. She sent me a pre-publication copy.
I think she'd be a good contact for you, and could likely recommend a new coordinator.

I have to say though, when I read your posts, it appears that you want to "control" everyone, your Xwife, your daughters and the courts. Perhaps that is the heart of the issue, and if so, you will likely not get what you want, even if you switch to a new lawyer, mediator, coordinator.

Well perhaps you are right. Until recently, I followed the advice of lawyers, consultants, and psychologists, and all I got was recommendations but no decisions. I'm taking control of my divorce. I only want resolution, not suggestions, not recommendations, not interim plans, just finality. My divorce should have been a relatively simple one, but it's moving at a glacial pace.

With the children, I just want the courtesy and respect they give everyone else. The x-wife is another story. From her, I only want to be left alone.

We just went through a summer vacation scheduling fiasco. After choosing her own dates, she objected to every one of my dates even though none conflicted with hers. She actually had specific dates in mind for me and was imposing them upon me. She even lied to me about the last day for summer camp. Now, that my dates are fixed, she wants to change hers. She's literally counting the number of parenting days and hours that I will have and trying to equalize them with hers. I don't care about a day here and there.

Now, the parenting coordinator will step in and hopefully resolve this.

For +2 years, I've been bending over backwards trying to appease her by being flexible and generous on relevant issues. Now, I'm taking firmer stands because the other approach didn't work, and I'm pushing very hard to move towards a settlement.

I tried the flexible approach and it didn't work either.
Sometimes you need to draw the line in the sand.