Re-posted from Recovery, where it is vewy qwiet today.

I hope it's OK to start a new thread. I'll give a recap-- I don't post much and am a pretty private person.

I am the BS. D-day was last August on our 25th anniversary trip to a foreign country, with our children. I found emails. EA (most likely, though I am not ready to "believe" that or disbeieve it.) With coworker/subordinate. Small office in a profession where this kind of affair is rampant and pretty much winked at. OW is married with kids and had no intention of leaving her H.

While struggling through the last 10 days of this trip, I set the boundaries I was able to set. Cut it off now or we are done. You will finish raising your disabled son, who needs his dad. I will most likely leave the area because this is too painful for me to live with. If you choose to end the A, we will go to MC and you will be responsible for choosing a counselor and setting it up by the end of the month.

We returned. He reported ending the A and set up MC. What followed was 9 months of lies and cake-eating. During this time he allowed me to think I was psychotic -- I had severe PTSD. On at least one occasion I was talking to him and heard a cell phone ring. He denied there was any such thing, and I seriously questioned my own sanity, and he chose to continue the lies. There were numerous other lies I caught him in about continued contact. I suffered a great deal. He watched it and allowed it to happen, but progressively extended more and more emotional support and connection to me.

During that time I addressed every issue that he complained about to the best of my ability. I lost a huge amount of weight and am a still losing, and am more fit than I have ever been. I pay much more attention to my appearance. I took over household chores that he had been doing. I have been looking for a way to get back into the career I left 14 years ago, or a suitable alternative. I am trying to do this genuinely and graciously in order to meet his expressed needs. Like other posters elsewhere on this forum, for years I did not really "get" that these issues were hugely important to him and he says he decided to stop trying and do what he wanted regarding the issues that were important to me, because I had stopped trying to please him.

D-day # 2 was in late April. I discovered more email and drew a line in the sand-- end it in a way that is verifiable to me, NOW, or game over. He took a couple of days off work to accomplish this, but during that time there was a whole new series of lies. I discovered those by a message OW left on his cell phone -- and that message also referred to other PAs. Surprise! Turns out there was at least one other, several years ago. I had discovered -- and thought I "busted" -- the flirtation at the time.

OW transferred to another office, A was exposed to management, H turned over the secret cell phone and email to me. He has expressed a lot of resentment when I look at this stuff (cell phone bills-- how did you spend 800 minutes amonth on the phone with her when you could barely sustain a 2-minute conversation with me?-- ) but is getting more open in his responses.

So we are 8 weeks past D-day # 2. I do not know what withdrawal symptoms he has had because other than during the 5 days of d-day # 2 catastrophe, he has not talked about it. He was tearful immediately after his NC phone call made in my presence.

I do know that he is now warming up to me and trying to be really sweet, and is doing his part on the MB course. Especially lately, everything I have checked out has checked out.

The old PA is something he now reports being deeply ashamed of. But he won't talk about it.

I am up and down. H was a good man. He did some horrible stuff at my expense. I feel anger, injustice, loss, and
grief more than I could ever have imagined. It's never going to be fair. I am emotionally fragile-- never was before-- and once I get triggered, go on for hours with LBs and DJs. I seem to be triggered by lack of time and undivided attention-- man but those cell phone minutes eat at me!

H works long, long hours. In part, it is the nature of his profession. But only in part. My undivided attention time has been late at night (for 10 minutes that he can barely stay awake through) or weekends (which also was being pushed until the end of the day until I confronted it.) The late night time has been mostly silent handholding and cuddling-- very sweet, but he can't stay awake!

Last night I got triggered by his dozing off and we ended up talking for an hour. It was a difficult conversation (2 days in a row of those-- very disappointing to be on this part of the roller coaster after a couple of mostly good weeks.) He finally proposed a solution-- that we have a half hour of UA immediately when he gets home from work, before dinner, and talk about whatever I want to talk about. So we will try that. I was so far gone by the time he came up with that, that I didn't respond graciously as I should have. It didn't help that the last few conversations we have had about his work hours he has expressed that he shouldn't have to ask permission to be late, etc.

So here is my current dilemma. Anniversary is in 2 weeks. Ouch. How on earth do we celebrate an anniversary now? Last year on our anniversary he took the day off to be with me-- and left the house and called her 5 times. And on our celebration trip, I discovered the A.

I have asked him to take the day off but told him I have no idea what I will need that day. I would like it to be a good day, not a bad day.

My sister has asked me to take a weekend trip with her starting 2 days after our anniv. It would be at no expense to me. I need to tell her today, I think, before prices go up. H tells me it would be fine for me to go if I think I would have fun. The following weekend I have to be out of town for another reason.

I find it terribly painful to be away from home right now. H doesn't get it, my sister doesn't get it, and I know intellectually that I won't fix my marriage by not allowing myself to be happy spending a small amount of time with what little family I have left. It would mean a lot to my sister for me to do this with her. I know that the following weekend, while a working weekend, will also give me a chance to reconnect with some female friends and recharge my batteries that way.


So I guess my question is 2-fold: How do I get through the anniversary happier rather than more miserable, and what should I do about the trip my sister wants to take?

And if you want to comment or 2x4 over anything else, feel free.

I realy like it when people ask questions.

1. So I guess my question is 2-fold: How do I get through the anniversary happier rather than more miserable

set very low expectations for this anniversary

describe in advance exactly what will be acceptable

like a dinner/movie date

or a trip to a museum

something you both enjoy

but try and keep your expectations minimum


2. and what should I do about the trip my sister wants to take?

bad timing

stay at home

you will stress out and not be a good companion for your sister

You ought to consider anti-depressants if you are not already taking them.

Are you counseling with
Harleys?

Pep

Thanks for responding, Pep. We do go on dates weekly, and have a good time. The problem is expectations. I want to recover something of what was taken last year. Probably won't happen.



Thanks.


I do take them.

No MC at this time. We stopped MC in December & he doesn't want to go back to the first one (whom he lied to...) I tried to get on schedule with Harleys but was not able to work anything out to suit H's schedule, and we started the home study course. I have my own IC who is wonderful.

Limbo - welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

In my opinion, the anniversary is the least of your problems right now. Your WH is a hardcore fence-sitting cake eater who obviously cares nothing about your needs and feelings. From the way he is acting, he is almost certainly still seeing his girlfriend(s) or he would not be ignoring you the way he is.

Since OW is married and a coworker, you need to expose them at work and to her husband. This is part of Plan A.

Read all you can of the articles on this site.

Read the "Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses" over on the Just Found Out board.

Order the book *Surviving an Affair* and read it cover to cover.

You situation really speaks to me. Your WH sounds a lot like mine - cold and selfish and crazymaking. That crazymaking stuff is deliberate, you know. Don't play into his hands. There is a thread over on In Recovery about Passive/Aggressive Wayward Spouses. I'll bet there's a lot there that will hit you between the eyes.

Good luck and please keep posting. You are not alone. I'm psychotic, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Mulan

At the moment, you should be in Plan A, but I don't think you should stay there for very long.

Here is another famous post about Plan A which might help you:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulan, thanks for writing. I am pretty sure the A is over as H got called on the carpet at work after OW asked for a transfer to get away from him after the NC call.

he has admitted the crazymaking was cruel and selfish. I would like him to be all over me in remorse and apology, but the fog is still lifting.

Thanks for the psychotic laugh!