it is the best thing i have ever done for myself and for my children. yes, it hurt in the beginning. i mourned the loss of a marriage i had given my all to and hung onto because i wanted to believe marriage was forever...no matter what.

i am happier now than i have been in years. my children are adjusting. yes, it was hard for them, but the example they were seeing from me and my ex was not what i wanted them to think marriage and a relationship was supposed to be. they miss him being here everyday (even though he slept on the couch and refused to do anything as a family) and they had to adjust to the idea that we would not be together anymore and that new people may be coming into our lives.

however, after a year and a half of him being gone i can sleep well at night. no more wondering where he is, who he is with, if he is coming home, will this ever get better. no more walking on eggshells. no more fighting. no more resentments. no more having the life literally sucked right out of me. i am doing things now i had wanted to do for years but my ex would never support me in doing. i am finishing my degree in teaching which he would NEVER let me do. i am much happier and more fullfilled now. i am involved in all kinds of things i never was when he was here.

there is life and happiness after divorce. it has opened up a whole new life for me. if he was still here i do not know where i would be today. very very very unhappy and depressed i am sure. sometimes divorce is just he way it has to be. i don't want to ever have to go through another one. i know i will be very sure before i say "i do" again. but i would be married again. i still believe in the dream,and i will have it one day, i will! mlhb

Thanks all.
The happy endings give me great hope. I guess I really know deep down the right step to take. The finality of it is just so blasted hard. And, I really think that it would be easier if I didn't know that he has women waiting in the wings for me to exit the stage, not that they really waited but, you know what I mean. He's already got 'em picked out and standing in line. I on the other hand have no one.

That is really what makes me so angry.

That's what I'm struggling with. He has OW to come home to, to kiss, hug, have sex with with.

I have 2 kids and a dog!

Not fair.

Yeah, kind of sucks doesn't it?

I need to focus though on all the baggage that comes with those hugs, kisses and sex.

We tend to focus on what we had when times were good and discount all the crap we've gone through since then that actually (in my case anyway) far outweighs any good times we had.

When I am totally honest w/myself I have to admit that most of our marriage was a fight and a struggle from day to day. Always some drama w/his kids or something that he wanted to buy that was an issue for me, etc. No, I wasn't perfect either; far from it. But, I had to put up w/a bunch of junk from him/his family. Not to mention the first A.

WAT,


That is like saying that, except for the adverse consequences of hitting the ground, falling 15 stories is not so bad. Infidelity and divorce have permanent, often devastating effects on children right into adulthood, affecting their ability to trust, to count on anyone, tainting all their fond memories of early childhood, limiting their financial ability to get an education, and if they do manage to go to college, leaving them in so much debt that it is difficult for them to start a family of their own. The ripple effects of divorce pass down from generation to generation.

On the tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

We've really screwed up several generations with this divorce thing haven't we?

On the way home tonight my DD and I had the following conversation:

DD - So are you and Daddy getting a divorce?
Me - It's looking that way.
DD - When.
Me - I don't know.
DD - Please make it soon. I don't want to see him or be around him anymore. If you say I have to go over there I will just walk whereever I need to go. I don't ever want to go there again.

So, divorce is hard but so is reonciliation after too much junk has happened.

There's no easy answer.

Is that really so terribly bad? (And by the way, Sturgis, you can't be an "old maid" after children.)

This is the fate I'm looking forward to. But really, my three cats have been more faithful than my X and most of my friends. Cats are good friends.

And having seen a lot of death, I'm not sure dying alone, peacefully and quietly, is such a bad thing.

I'm probably a bit older than you are (early 50s), but you know, I've given so much to relationships all my life -- trying to please men, trying to reassure men, trying to fulfill men. I've given so much time to servicing Mr. Weanie. I'm kind of glad to hang up my number. (Besides, at my age, the guys are more and more talk about action, and less and less action, if you know what I mean ... do I really want to spend that much of my time reassuring them?)

I'm a writer, and I've got lots of plans for the future. Lots of things I want to write, and I've already started. I may not have many years left, given my medical history -- I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life. And it will be!



Someone referred to the "baggage" of the hugs and kisses...

This may be driving your fear, L2S. The kind of clutching we do -- trying to protect our territory to the end ... this isn't love. It's natural, and normal, and usual ... but there's so much more to life than this. And so much more to love than this. I don't mean this quite like that... I mean, something instinctive in us is afraid of letting go if someone else wants what we have. Like people at Macy's, during sale. Or an auction. The more intense the competition, the more intense the grabbing. It "feels" real -- but it's just a reaction. And sometimes when we stop fighting and pulling ... we find out that the "prize" wasn't worth it, all the way along.

Next month my daughter goes to university, and I'm giving her lots of time this summer. I've come to realize that she's the most important relationship of my life.

Think of Hildegard of Bingen. Think of all the great women of history ... with no one to grope them in the night. Life is about so much more than that!

There are so many who want our love! Not wienie love, but real love. Let's look outward to them, and not to the people who are mean and abusive to us, and confuse their lusts with love.

I am sooooo done with that!

As they say in Predator "Sh1t happens."
It does.
We have to deal with it.
Anyone who has been in your situation, l2s, will agree that it's a horrible thing, no argueing that.
But how you handle it, and your life, from now on is up to you.

I have no children.
I have a cat and a dog.
Today is my 45th birthday.
I'm grateful to have a loving family.
I'm grateful to be USED to being alone by now.
I'm so grateful for the absolutely splendid sunset yesterday, with perfect music on the radio when I was driving home from my mom's place, where we already celebrated my birthday.
I'm so grateful for my sweet Bernese mountain dog, who steals everyone's heart when they meet her.
I'm so grateful for my cat, who lies outside basking in the sun and is so happy and relaxed now she's living alone with me - she hardly showed herself when I was living with XWH.
I'm so grateful to no more have to please a man.
I'm so grateful I can do what I want, without him objecting.
I'm so glad I don't have to be disappointed anymore.
I'm so glad I don't have to care about his A's anymore.

Can you find any motivation here my dear?
Life is full of wonderful surprises.
Relax... plan well... and enjoy the ride.

Nellie, you said:


I believe, infidelity can be the CAUSE of divorce. Without the infidelity, the divorce may have never happened.

And as far as divorce having the rippling effect, I believe that infidelity is equally damaging, (if not more), since infidelity is what leads to the break up of many marriages, among many other reasons.

And in L2S's case, she has very VALID reasons for divorce, not just infidelity. If she stayed, it would cause her child MORE damage than leaving the marriage. She, nor her child deserve any more abuse than they have already received! She IS making the right choice.

Nellie, I know your views on divorce, but in some cases, it is just absolutely necessary. And this is one of them.

Hey Jenn. Long time no see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ( I FINALLY figured out how to add the smiley faces).

I agree 100% that divorce is bad business.

Yesterday would have been my 20th wedding anniversary to H #1. It's a sad thing b/c now I'm on my way to D #2 and may never get to experience a 20th wedding anniversary.

Pretty sad, huh?

But, there are things worse than divorce for all concerned and that's a bad, abusive marriage where there's no respect, constant fighting, no trust, etc. That's where I am right now.

I never wanted to be at this point in my life again and I stood his crap for a long time but, I got to the point that I could not take it anymore. My WH is convinced that I had an A. I did not. He used that belief to put me through pure h*ll on a daily basis. I did give him reason to think that b/c I was talking to someone and, in retrospect, I should not have. I have to say though that I did not cross any lines and, when I realized that it was being perceived that something was going on w/this guy, I distanced myself.

I even stopped going to church in order to prove to my H that nothing was going on. But, that did not stop him from continuing in his A, even during MC. So, I'm making the right choice for me and my D. It's just that it's not something I ever wanted; it's just the lesser of two evils.

I'm grateful to all of you who have moved on and are happy. I'm really tired. I'm weary over the life I've been living and what it's doing to my D. My time is so divided I'm just sick of it.

She told me on the way home the other night that she wants me to get it over w/and doesn't even want to see him anymore. He really never took the time w/her that he should have to create a good R. (He adopted her at age 7).

Oh, well. All of you please wish me luck.

You know, L2S, you sure don't have to explain to me of your intentions, concerning the talk with that other guy. I know you never crossed any lines. No explanation necessary, here. Your STBXH is the one, who would have explaining to do. And his poor excuses are just sorry and lame.

And I don't find it sad, that you haven't reached the 20 year mark. What I would find very sad, would be if you were in this type of marriage, for 20 years. THAT would be heartbreaking! I'm sad for how you are feeling, right now. But I'm also relieved and EXCITED for you and your daughter with your new beginning! The fact that you are allowing yourself to be free of this shows strength and is an opportunity for you, which for some out there, would not be a possibility, without risking their lives.

You are doing SO good, (even if it doesn't 'feel' like it, right now) and you'll even do BETTER as time goes on! Just wait, you'll see! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (smiling back at ya'!)

(((L2S)))

Jennifer

I do feel sad, though. But, I know that once I let go legally and emotionally I will be fine. I'll be great. I'll be relieved. It's just the letting go that's hard. I'm on the verge and just need to take the final step.

But, I feel that when I take that final step I will be stepping off the edge of the world into the unknown.

Hey, me too!

Sad? Well, no, not really. Not on the scale of the world.

Talk to all the parents on the board who lost a child, and will never go to their child's high school graduation. That's sad.

Life doesn't give us all the pieces. And we're lucky if we're only missing the Norman Rockwell moments. 20th anniversaries aren't really a big deal, except our society has made them so.

Go for the real things, that have real, rather than symbolic meanings.

Bumping for L2S. Hope all is well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All is O-K-A-Y.
Just another wonderful day in the neighborhood.

Actually, had to go out of town; work related. Of course, WH accuses me of taking someone w/me or meeting someone there. I mentioned that I brought my bathing suit and might go swimming if no one much was around; pool was right outside my room.

So, he quickly killed that idea by saying that I must be trying to show my body off and trying to impress someone; yeah right.

Anyway, continued with a fight and he told me that he could not handle no SF. I've told him that I can't do that b/c of choices he made. I've asked him for a divorce. It's not something I want but something that has been forced on me by his actions. He continues to lie about the R w/OW. He continues to talk to her and 2nd EX and others.

Every time I ask him for a D, beginning in July 05, he has threatened suicide. He did this again about 3 weeks ago. So, I have to move forward.

Well, last night he said he was going to call the OW b/c he needed companionship. He couldn't live like I wanted him to live. He needed someone in his life. So, basically he threatens and then tells me that he's calling her. Then, around midnight he calls me just to tell me goodnight.

I didn't ask where he had been. I don't want to know. He would just lie anyway and tell me that he wasn't w/her but probably was. Or maybe he has moved on to someone else. Who knows.

Anyway, I want to have final papers signed this week. I know I will have a fight on my hands for getting my stuff out of the house. Please pray for me. I know it is going to be hard and an emotional drain.

You know, I keep mulling all this over. I still haven't gotten the final papers and nothing has been signed. Every time I think we've talked everything out and the settlement is good, he starts the junk about his kids not getting an equal amount of $ spent on them that our D has.

I keep telling him that they aren't my kids, they're grown, we've been through what they got, etc. It's like he just keeps putting up roadblocks.

He continues to tell me that we can work things out, that he will change, that he will do whatever's necessary to make things work. But, when I don't bite, he immediately goes back to being a nasty, foul-mouthed jerk.

Right now the big thing is that I won't sleep w/him. He keeps saying that I know how important that is to him and he is not going to be by himself so, if I won't do that, I am then forcing him to go be w/someone else. Agian, not sounding like someone who is interested in working things out but, I have continued to tell him that the As have made that impossible.

He is a jerk about 90% of the time; really nasty. The other 10% he's telling me how much he loves me, how much I've been the backbone of our M, how he'll be lost w/o me, how he will never find anyone as compatible w/him as I am, etc.

I just don't get it. He acts nice but when I don't immediately fall all over him and start stripping he goes back to being a jerk.

I don't want it anymore but I can't break away. My life really sucks b/c I keep allowing him to say and do things that make me second guess myself. If I stayed away he couldn't do that but I won't. I keep going around him. I really don't know what it's going to take to wake me up.

So, is it words or actions that we base decisions on?

If your WS:
1) told you they loved you
2) told you they would do anything to repair the M
3) told you they would stop all contact w/anyone you felt was a problem
4) told you they would put you first
5) told you they would clean up their act: go to church, stop cursing you out, stop using your past against you

but..................

did none of those things.......................

would their words mean anything w/o the action that put those words into reality?

I still go to the church (unless I allow my WH to bully me into not going) where the guy goes that he accused me of having an A with. He used this to justify his As (multiple). We've been separated x 2.5 years.

I go to that church b/c my family is there. My D is involved in youth group. I haven't talked to the guy in months. See him and speak. There was no A. I did talk to him alot but, when I realized what my H thought and what others were saying, I stopped talking to the guy. I imagine that others thought there was something there but there never was.

Anyway, same old thing every Sun and Wed. "Have fun at church". "Did you see your b/f?" "You can stick him up your aXs." Etc. Etc. Etc. Just nasty stuff. Mind you, all the while him still talking to 2nd EX, OW(pleural), probably a new one that has now surfaced.

(((L2S)))

Quit speaking with him. You owe him NOTHING, including your time and words. If he pursues you to 'talk', don't respond. Don't take his calls, don't answer his messages, don't answer the door. Any communicating that should be left between the two of you, should be done only thru lawyers. If that's not possible, then don't communicate at all. There is no need to speak with him, anymore, no matter WHAT he thinks he has to say.

Please do this, Honey. Go NC and be silent to him.

(((L2S)))

Ok, L2S. What's the latest? Any progress with the divorce?

No. Every time I get a revised settlement agreement, he argues about something else.

I keep hoping and praying that we are going to be able to end this amicably but, I now am beginning to realize that it WILL NOT END PEACEFULLY.

I have finally gotten a checking account and all my $ is now going into that account. RESULT? He's mad. He started an account, he refinanced the house and put $ he said he got to pay me off into that account, he put his last 4 weekly paychecks into that account but, now that he knows I have an account he's mad. Go figure!! That's why I say it's about $ and not love.

He refied the house but will not show me the paperwork showing what the house appraised at. We had been going on a figure that I think is about $7k less than the appraisal but, he hides it. But, a $3500 loss is nothing compared to what I have lost in the 9 yr marriage, the least of which is the $.

I've lost years of my life, years of my D's life, my self esteem, peace, and on and on.

Thought I would be able to make it to church tonight and told him that I was going when he asked. RESULT? "Go. Take a good, long look at that SOB. You will pay dearly."
Didn't get to go after all; had to work late but, would have gone otherwise.

Doesn't want to pay CS. Doesn't want me to keep ring. Doesn't want to pay CS past 18 if college. AND, thinks I owe my steps $ b/c he says they didn't get as much spent on them as has been spent on my D.

So, I don't know how to get out of this mess I'm in. It's like a game to him. And, every time the agreement gets changed, it costs me more money. I think I'll call the attorney tomorrow and find out what I can do if he keeps playing and won't sign.

Wish me luck.