I'm praying for you, L2S! I think your plan for tomorrow will be a HUGE step toward your future and putting an end to all of his game playing and control issues. Don't back down from this. You are so close, now, to beginning a new life for yourself and your daughter. I'm glad that you are able to see what he is doing. It'll become more and more clear to you, the farther you are out of this. Eventually, his tactics will not work or have any effect on you anymore, and you'll truly be free of him.

You're strong, L2S! I'll be thinking of you! Please keep us posted! I love ya', Honey!!

Jen

He called late last night. Cell was on silent so I didn't hear it; fast asleep. He called me this morning and we've fought and talked all day. I told him we need to move forward. We met to finalize paperwork and then he starts in on the "forgive me", "we can work it out", etc.

I kept saying "no". It's over. Time to move forward. He showed me the cell bill today. Of course I knew lots of calls to OW and XW. But, I went through it page by page and kept saying their names when I saw the number. I finally gave it back; 19 pages.

Told me he didn't want either of them and it wouldn't work w/either. I said, then why did you keep talking to them when you knew how it made me feel? Response was I was going to church w/OM there. My response was I went whether he was there or not AND I went but not to see/speak to him. When he called them or went their house it was with the specific intent of contact.

Long story short. Last time I talked to him he said can we put all behind us and make it work? I said no. Too much, too far gone. Can't reverse it. Can't get past it. Too many lies, still lies. Too many people know. Too many affairs.

He started getting nasty today and said I would pay for what I've done to him. Started getting mad b/c I want CS. Said I would pay for that and keeping ring. Then calmed down and wanted to make it work.

I'm trying so hard to stick to my guns. The next thing that is coming is talk of suicide. He hasn't done it yet but will.

Keep praying for God to give me strength and wisdom and, above all, PEACE about the decision I've made. I really need it.

You did AWESOME, L2S!!!!! I am SOOO proud of you, Honey!! STICK to those guns! Of course he'll react the way he did. It's to be expected, so this won't catch you off guard. You even know that suicide will be the next threat to come.

When that threat comes, just be prepared with your answer. Just remind him that everyone in life has choices, including him. And if that is what he chooses, as hurtful as that would be to many, it would still be HIS choice. And there would be nothing you could do to stop him. DON'T allow him to hold YOU responsible for whether he lives or dies! That is on HIM! You have to worry about YOU and your daughter. He's a grown up, (physically, anyway).

Anyway, I said that prayer for you, and requested continued strength, peace, grace, mercy and protection. God is on your side, Honey!! And you did VERY good, today! Keep up the good work, and remember that the action you are taking now, is an investment to your future! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> GOOD WORK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((L2S)))

Never heard back from him last night. He called me this morning.

He asked if I was sure that it was over and a D was what I wanted. I told him that too much has happened to repair it. I told him that he kept talking w/other women knowing how I felt.

Then he said something that really made me think. He said what was he supposed to think or do b/c for weeks I've been telling him that it's over, that there was no hope, that we couldn't work it out. So, why shouldn't he talk w/them? I didn't want him in my life anymore.

I suppose that's true. Since I truly found out about what had been going on w/OW I've been saying "no", no chance. But, that didn't stop him from still giving me lots of grief about going to church. Didn't stop him from cursing me out, looking at my phone bills, etc.

But, his comment did make me pause. What did I expect him to do? I guess I wanted him to respect me enough to stop talking w/OW until it was over? I really don't know what I expected. I know I haven't been talking to OM or anyone else as he continually accuses me of doing and I guess maybe somewhere back there in my mind I was thinking things would change, I would see a difference, I would see some hope. Instead, I've only seen confirmation that it's over.

He said if there was hope I should have told him and he wouldn't have talked to them but, if he loved me as much as he says he does, he should have done anything w/in his power to show that to me before I said let's finalize and move on.

So, am I allowing him to twist things around or is this a legitimate question of his: if there was hope, why didn't I say so? If there was no hope, why does it matter to me who he talks to?

Am I sending mixed signals to him?

I've had such an incredible time trying to move on. I believe I know deep in my heart that this is the best thing to do but, it hurts just the same.

I have a hard time coming to terms w/him not being in my life anymore especially when he is in the mode he is right now where he's trying to say and do what he can to get me to at least not file.

We've been right here at this point so many times. If I could just do it and be done, I think I would be okay but, he stalls and I start softening back up again.

I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to see him hurt or whatever but, he hasn't seemed to mind hurting me. He wasn't thinking about me when he was talking w/woman on phone and she was playing w/herself and he had cell on speaker so his son, brother, cousins could hear. He did this a number of times. I'm also convinced that he had sex with her. I saw her number twice on his last cell bill.

He wasn't thinking about me when he was telling everyone that he would have D'd me long ago if not for $ and insurance. Wasn't thinking about me when he spent Christmas w/OW or went out of town w/her at least 4 times.

I don't want to make a mistake and I don't think we can make it. I told him yesterday that I thought we weren't good for each other b/c of the way we handle things. I pout and clam up and won't say anything and let him have his way and then resent it. He bullies me into getting what he wants.

Advice please.

Am I sending mixed signals or is he just trying to keep me from filing? I think if I went back to my family and said we were going to try and make it work they would disown me. Not really but, it would be really rough w/them b/c of all he's done to me.

L2S, don't buy into that crap. Because that's just what it is, a load of CRAP! He's been doing this crap since BEFORE you made this choice, and his crap has NEVER stopped in the whole time you were married. And let's not forget all of the abuse, of many forms, L2S. It wouldn't matter if you stayed with him, or even SAID you wanted to work it out, he would ALWAYS continue with this behavior.

The only mixed signals I'm seeing in this, is your corresponding with him, and replying to his words. Just answering your phone when he calls, is showing him that the door is still open a crack. And once he gets his foot in, (or his mouth), he begins feeding you a bunch of bogus lines to make you wonder if this whole thing is just "you" or that you have caused all of this, when you know damn good and well that he is full of it.

Please, L2S, DON'T FALL FOR THIS! It's just another angle for him to use, to regain control to get what HE wants. And if he were to succeed in doing so, then he'd be on to the next chase or challenge. Don't be this for him! You've suffered long enough.

(((L2S))) Just remember that his words are dust in the wind, and not full of any profound or true meaning. It's just a game for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I love ya', Honey! Stay strong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Jen. The voice of reason. I know you're right. He told me this evening that he is going to go home and get the papers ready so I can have the D I have been pushing for. I keep telling him that if a D was what I wanted, rather than being able to work it out, it wouldn't have taken me 2.5 years to get there.

He's doing the "poor pitiful me" routine right now and he knows it gets to me b/c I am a rescuer. I'm a fixer. That has always been my role. I told him yesterday that I need to work on myself before I ever consider another R w/anyone.

Keep holding my hand. I'll get there. I need to call him back now and ask if he has gotten stuff together.

Just rescue and fix YOURSELF, L2S. And take care of your daughter. As far as his "poor pitiful me", don't fret it. He'll snap out of it within the next minute or so, as THAT has been his REAL routine. Jeckell & Hyde all the way.

You're STRONG! HOLD ON TO THAT STRENGTH, L2S, and don't be afraid or let him pull you down! That has worked too many times before, and he KNOWS it! He's trying to call your bluff, right now. But it's time to make this real, and show him it's NO bluff. You can do this!

Just talked to him. Correction. Argued w/him. His stance is that I set him up. I told him (and I did) that it was over. Told him that I could not think of resuming a R w/him after finding out about the latest A. Of course he lied through his teeth to begin with. Finally told the truth after I confronted him with evidence he couldn't deny.

So, he says I told him it was over but now I'm mad b/c he kept talking to other women. Said he wouldn't have if he had known that there was a chance. Said he never believed there was a chance. Told him that that was why we were going to MC but he couldn't stay away from other women long enough to try and make it work or to see that I was trying. He was too busy with someone else.

At end of conversation he said he would get the papers together and have them at the house for me and I could then do with them whatever I chose to do. Said he loves me and doesn't want a D but will go along with whatever I choose to do.

I don't understand why he would want to continue. Unless there's some advantage for him to continue. Why wouldn't he want it over so he can go on w/his life. I don't understand. I'm wondering if there's some legal angle that I don't know about but he does and that's why he is trying to put a guilt trip on me so that I don't go file.

Because he wants his cake and to eat it, too. It's all about "him", and control. The D wasn't HIS idea, therefore, he feels he isn't 'winning'. He may not want to give you up, but he's not going to give THEM up, either. HIM, HIM, HIM...that is ALL 'he' is concerned with, L2S.

Just get those papers, and do what you have to do, all emotions set aside. Deal with the emotions AFTER the fact. Right now, keep it buisness.

You'll be ok, Honey!

Yeah, I will be okay.

I told him yesterday that there has always been a double standard between us. If I mentioned a guy's name more than 3-4 times he started accusing me of being interested in him. But, I had to accept his R with several women that he knows from before we were married, at least one of whom he slept with. I had to put up w/them calling.

This is going to be okay. Maybe I need to go back AGAIN and listen to some tapes. I do better when I'm angry over this stuff.

This whole thing is going to hurt me like I've seldom hurt before but I know that I'll be so much better off on the other side. If I can do this no contest it will all be over 31 days after it's filed. That month will give me time to get my stuff out of the house, get my name off the company, and wrap up any loose ends, look for house, etc.

It will be okay.
It will get better.
There is life after divorce.
There is peace at the end of it all.

I know this hurts, L2S. But try to consider this "pain with a purpose". This is the type of pain that hurts like none other, but it serves the purpose of healing for the longterm. Like heart surgery. It's to improve and get well.

Opposed to "bandaid" pain, which is the pain that will be eternal, until it's dealt with from the root. It's a longterm pain, with some temporary relief, every now and then, but ALWAYS with the knowledge of yet another 'flare' to occur. We tend to doctor ourselves, in the hopes of avoiding surgery. But the longer we let it go, the worse it becomes.

Better to act now, and know your pain is of a good cause, and WILL pass and develop into peace and happiness. It's pain that is actually GOING somewhere and is worth your time and energy to invest.

I say "Let the pain begin!" As long as it's the right pain... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just some thoughts. Hang in there, L2S, and keep posting!

Jen

Yes. It will definitely be painful. We're now in jerk mode.

Basically, if he thinks there's a chance of talking me out of D, I was his rock, his all, his backbone, his everything. He owes everything to me.

But, when I say "No. We need to get it over with" I suddenly turn into a slut, who**, b**ch, etc. Now, he says I don't deserve 50% equity in house, don't deserve CS, don't deserve to keep ring, ahd he deserves 50% of my retirement even though we've been M less than 10 years.

Many years ago he had a CB handle that says it all "Sneaky Snake".

Told him last night that if he wants to fight it out bring it on. I'm asking for less than 10% in CS, a pittance from the company that I helped build, etc. He wants to be nasty and is showing his true colors all over again.

Just let the lawyer handle it from here. Don't argue with him. His old tactics aren't working, and he doesn't know how to handle it. So just don't speak with him.

Did talk to him today; saw him also.

When he asked if I was going to church said probably.
His response: I'll meet you there.
My response: No.

Long story short: more rehashing. I finally told him that we are not good together. I need to work on myself, emotionally and psychologically. I have had to relive a lot of my painful past b/c he kept throwing it in my face to hurt me.

He called earlier to say that he will give me D and that he will leave me alone. He loves me enough to let me go and that he is sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused me. Said I don't need help, I just need to be free of him.

This is what I want. Why do I feel so sad, like someone has just kicked me in the stomach?

Maybe because he's finally 'getting it'. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Just stick to your guns, no matter what you may be feeling at the moment. You won't be sorry.

(((L2S)))

I sure hope we're right. I have such an incredible sense of loss right now.

I can deal with the jerk side of him much more easily than I can the humble, sorrowful side of him. It's the kind and compassionate side that I knew early on and fell in love with.

I think that I know from experience that he isn't finished w/me yet. It won't be this easy. It will be intensely painful.

This is all so depressing.

I am absolutely miserable. I know in my gut that this is best. He left VM this morning to say that he finally understands that it's over. He will let me go. He's sorry for all that he's done wrong. If he had known that there was a chance that we could work on the M he wouldn't have continued talking to OW but I told him it was over so he felt there was no hope.

This is really killing me. I pray to God I've made the right decision.

This really sucks.

Told me earlier that he would have changes to papers for me tomorrow. Why am I so sad about something that has been heading in this direction for so long?

I'm really sad. Wish there was another way but not once has he stopped talking w/OW or cursing me out when he gets mad or trying to get back in church or trying to rebuild my trust in him , etc.

L2S, he's only being nice and telling you that if he "thought there was a chance, he would have stopped talking with the OWs", he's only trying this as a new tactic to make you feel guilt and doubt. I say BULL! He's been talking to them the whole time, before, during and after all this. He's hoping your response will be, "well, maybe there still IS a chance." To which you would only HOPE he would stop the contact with the others. He's pretending that he has only come to this conclusion, and that he's sorry he's "too late".

L2S, he's still playing the game, Honey. Just doing it in a different way. I know you're very sad and second guessing yourself, but PLEASE don't doubt for a minute that you are doing the wrong thing. It just FEELS that way, right now, because he's acting differently, for a while, ONLY until you are right back where he wants you! And you KNOW that place well enough to know WHY you are in this place now. DON'T BITE!! It's ok to feel sad, alone and lost. But just don't allow these emotions to cloud your judgement. Try to replace these thoughts with the image of your daughter. THAT should be a good reminder and a jolt of reality, of why you are taking these steps.

Hang in there, L2S!! I'm thinking of you!

Jen