You know, I KNOW that you're right. I've been there before, many times, and I've shared many of those times w/you.

It's just so hard b/c he has the ability to make me feel so guilty and to make me believe that this whole thing is entirely my fault. He has the ability to turn the tables on me to try and make me believe that the many As were all b/c he saw me talking to OM at church and/or other people told him I was talking to OM at church.

Do you know he even told me that he and OW did not have sex until March of this year which is when we were in counseling and that the reason he did is b/c he didn't believe me when I told him I wanted to make our M work? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm just going to move ahead and see what happens. God has the ability to change anything/everything and I'm really praying that if this is NOT God's will, He will stop it.

WH said he has papers ready to give me; changes made. We'll see.

More later.

L2S, remember this always...YOU have the ability to remove HIS ablities in making you feel the way you do. And what you said is true, that God has ALL abilities to do what is right, if you allow it to be so.

I don't think these proceedings would have gotten as far as they have, if God hadn't allowed it. God is working, here, so please let Him continue. You will be ok by His grace and love, to see you thru the rest of the way. Just trust Him, Honey, and have FAITH!

Also, tomorrow is Sunday, and you know the drill. DON'T answer your phone! Let it be one of the first steps in taking back control of YOUR life. Go to church in the morning, WITHOUT his words of guilt. Just look at it as his words not being ALLOWED to effect your choices or your day. By NOT answering the phone in the morning, you will be taking your power back. And if you have the fear of him showing up at your church, LET HIM! This would provide you with WITNESSES.

Good luck, L2S! And God bless you!

Jen

I want to not answer the phone yet want to answer the phone at the same time!! Does that make sense? I don't want to but want to both.

He's supposed to work tomorrow so maybe he won't have time to harrass me. He did tell me today that he has been invited to OW's stepdad's birthday party tomorrow. Two weeks ago it was the mother's bd party.

I think we both know it's over but don't want to admit it. As much as I want to be in a committed relationship and as much as I wish things could be different I have no true desire to go home. I think my desire is to have the desire to go home. I just can't imagine it. Sad thing is that I haven't been able to imagine it; not really actually packing and going back home. Unpacking all my things and resuming a life w/him.

I look at him and I know that I care deeply for him. I worry about him. But, I know that there will always be a "me" willing to take care of him. He doesn't really need me. And, if he was so worried about me and wanting me in his life he wouldn't have done what he did so brazenly.

I'm not up on this whole story..
but is part of it that you continue to attend a church the same as your former OM...

you keep mentioning it...
but I'm not sure where that part is...

ARK^^

Ark^^
Church and OM. The Reader's Digest version is that about 7 years into a rocky M, I moved out when my H moved his son, wife, baby in over my strong objections.

We've been separated x 2.5 years. He says I am having an A w/OM at church. H and I both attended there but H stopped going one service at a time. I started talking to a divorced guy there. My H came to the church and parked and spied on me. He saw me talking to guy and used that as an excuse for resuming R w/2nd EX and multiple affairs.

I did not have R w/OM. I only saw at church. Called him one time to let him know what my H was saying and to say sorry for draging you into this. OM has a g/f that comes to church w/him regularly. I asked H to come w/me but he was too involved in his latest A to want to. I imagine that it looked to my H like something was going on. I did enjoy talking to the guy but that's as far as it went.

When my H kept accusing me, I realized it was a problem so I stopped talking to OM altogether. I don't go near him, don't park near him, don't put myself in position to talk to him. Of course, that hasn't stopped my H from talking to several OW, including XW.

He SAYS he loves me and wants to make M work. I have told him it's over. Rather than making changes to make things better he continues same stuff that got us to where we are now (cursing me out, threatening about church, still talking w/OW, etc.)

My bday is tomorrow. My WH told me earlier that he plans to have his changes to the settlement agreement ready to give to me tomorrow! Said he wants to give me a great bday present. Says he knows this is what I want.

What is so sad is that this isn't what I want it is just what it is b/c of choices we've both made. I didn't choose to have him ignore me in favor of his kids. I didn't choose to have him have multiple affairs.

I did choose to get out of it although out is as far as I got.

I'm hurt and very sad but I'm ready to move on.

What I need is suggestions for resources/ways to:

HEAL:
- put the hurt away
- get past the sadness
- undo the damage that WH's abuse did
- get past my distant past that he was forever bringing up

GET PAST:
- let go of WH
- accept that M is over
- accept that H is now WH and not good for me and DD

MOVE ON:
- finalize papers, sign, get D filed
- determine what type of contact is okay

I want my life back and he needs the ability to move on as well. This has been a very hard realization for me and so many of you have given me such wonderful guidance and wisdom.

I really want to come out on the other side (post D) a better, stronger person with appropriate boundaries in place so that I never go through what I have gone through again. I need to heal. I need to get past old hurts. I don't want to carry all the old baggage into my new life. I really want to make a fresh start in all respects.

If you have advice, recommendations on books, websites, etc. (even if you've already given it a dozen times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) please do so again.

I truly value the opinions of so many here. You have really been a lifeline; someone to talk to when I could talk to no one else.

I hope you have a very Happy Birthday, L2S! And DON'T allow him to see your hurt over choosing your B-Day to give those papers back to you. Just reply with a simple "Thank You". As if it really IS a gift! Because it really WILL be. It will represent your new beginning!

As far as the baggage you're concerned about taking into your new life, I would recommend counseling once this is complete. This would be the perfect time for you to begin working on YOU.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, L2S!

Jen

Got the email address. Thanks and thanks for the b/d wishes!

If he does give the papers to me today that's an answer of sorts. How could anyone be so cruel but.... looking back on what he has already done....

Have a great day!! I plan to. And, you're right, this needs to be a new beginning for me.

Happy Bday - sounds like we are in the same boat and timeline - so keep looking forward don't look back
- he looses not you
- your stronger and he is still weak
- you have a plan to heal he will continue hurt

Hello life2short,

Could we call this withdrawl perhaps?
Withdrawl from a life we once had/planned to have?
I never planned to leave either..
I wanted to stick it out, recover..
But too much is too much and I needed to get out for my own sanity.

What has helped me in the past year of living alone:
- talking to good friends/family and spending quality time with them
- pick up the phone and talk.. laugh.. be silly..
- watching some positive movies/tv-series
- make positive decisions for myself (weight loss in my case)
- learning to set boundaries (in any situation) meaning I'm thinking of ME and MY needs for a (much needed) change <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
- enjoying the company of my pets
- going for long walks in nature
- getting back in touch with the plans I used to have and dropped/forgot about to fill someone else's needs
- reading and posting on MB
- looking after myself generally
- enjoying being on my own and doing my own thing at my own pace
- work in the garden / re-pot some plants and enjoy watching things grow..

I'll get back to you when I think of more !

What you should NOT do is
- dwell on thoughts re. XWH
- feel sorry for yourself and do nothing to get out of that feeling
- drink/eat/smoke/date to ease the pain.

Ok, L2S, I'm glad you got my e-mail address. I'll be waiting to hear from you, now!

And even if he does not give you those papers today, just that fact that he 'thought' of doing this on your B-Day is enough to remember what an [censored] he can be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But as for YOU, you have a WONDERFUL and AWESOME day today!! Today is YOUR day and I send all my best wishes to you for this day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Write to me in e-mail when you get the chance. Talk with you soon!

Jen

My suggestion for your pain.

Post here whenever you need a boost.
Answer other people's post's, give them advice when you can, give them support when you have no good advice.

Your here, so it tells me your a good person.

Enough said.
JS

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

All,

Well, my day started off well but, ending up really sucking. My fault b/c I kept answering the phone.

He gave me the divorce papers.

He wants more money; not satisfied w/his cut.

He is planning to take me to court.

He is planning to tell everyone about my past.

I have been putting this off for so long b/c I wanted to be sure I was doing right thing and I wanted to end it calmly and peacefully but, guess that is not to be.

I called my attorney. He'll call back tomorrow. WH says he has retained attorney. I'm concerned mainly about my retirement. We've been M less than 10 years but he could still get part I guess. His thing is it isn't his fault that he made less; he worked more hours!!!

So, I have to find out how much of a chance he stands at taking more than he already has over the years. I might have made more but he was the one driving the 40K truck and I was driving the 2K car!!!! Go figure. Oh well, God helped me make that; He'll help me make more.

I just want to wake up tomorrow and be in my new house, w/my life back and back on track and him long gone.

I have no clue how judges look at things. Guess I will find out in the morning.

L2S, I just set up that e-mail account. Please write when you get a moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L2S; happy belated birthday!

I tend to think money isn't worth my piece of mind, unless it will drastically alter your living situation don't bother fighting with him.

None of this is fair but as you said, god helped you get to this space, he'll certainly help you move on to another one.

Make a note that he's drving a pricey vehicle instead of sitting of a great retirement pkg. He can't spend it twice!

Sorry, that's going against my initial point but I couldn't pass that point up. He's obviously extremely self absorbed.

anyways, I wish you luck and I hope you are able to sustain your emotional health throughout this ordeal. Don't forget to take time for yourself.

Apl

L2S, I hope you're having a good day, today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen and Apl,
I had a really good weekend. I hope you all did as well.
Spent weekend Sat - today at a family reunion at a lake house. Really had a lot of fun.

Did talk to my H about 3 times. He paged me and left VMs about 4 times. I felt really guilty in being there and him not. It was sad b/c we had shared that weekend reunion in years past. Plus, he made me feel guilty b/c he told me how much he loved and missed me, how much he has absolutely no one in his life that cares about him, nowhere to go, all alone, etc.

I want to move on and get a life again but, I have to say, there's a part of me that wishes he would change to the extent that I could trust him again. There's a part of me that still loves him and wishes we could make the M work. This board's full of men adn women who chose to forgive and get past the A (sometimes plural). But, there's another part of me that wants to get my life back in order and find someone where there are no issues of trust, no infidelity, no nastiness and build a R based on the knowledge I now have.

The fact that he was alone bothered me but, not enough to go back to town and be w/him. I'm still struggling w/the decision I've made. I still haven't send more changes to attorney. I'm having a really hard time w/this final step.

Hey, L2S. How goes it? I'm glad you had a good weekend! I wish you many more to come! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Jen!!
Another good weekend but had to work out of town.

This is just a hypothetical question b/c I know what I need to do but....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

if my WH really wanted to work on our M, would he continue to:

talk w/OW and XW on the cell or would he stop all contact in hopes that I would see that he was trying and it might make a difference?

curse me out?

threaten to tell all about my past?

threaten to take me to court to take what he thinks is his in the D settlement?

The finances are pretty straight except for the actual D settlement. I have a separate checking account w/all my $ going into that.

It's just that final document that is causing all the trouble. He says he has an attorney that won't cost him anything. Either he's lying or one of his "lady" friends has arranged for an attorney. Who knows?

Anyway, I'm hoping for something this week. Just have to get a document that he will sign. My attorney said to compromise if possible b/c it would cost at least 4k to fight it out in court; give up 4k to avoid a fight and end it in 30 days.

Sounds reasonable to me. It just aggravates me that I have to give up even more than I've already given up. Right now, he's doing the pitiful me routine. Can't afford health insurance (he can keep from my job for 3 years), can't afford life insurance, can't afford......

He always wants to tell me that I should look at OM when I go to church and say to myself "that's why my marriage is over". I want to say to him "look at OW and XW and say "that's why I no longer have health and life insurance; that's why I am alone (not really) and have to take care of everything myself now".

Oh, well. Just rambling. Need to go work on D papers.