I'm desperate here....I have an ongoing emotional affair going on here with a co-worker and can't seem to get myself backed out of it. She also happens to be a very good friend to my wife. I don't sense much from her side regarding any feelings that she has for me and I doubt that she would ever show them as she is such a good person and wouldn't want to hurt anyone else. She is also married and he is the biggest a**hole in the world!! I mean that whole-heartedly! He is an atheist and a sex addict who would love for his wife to pick up someone in a bar, bring him home and have sex with the stranger in front of him. Sickening! He wants her to dress provocatively all the time in anything short and tight with heels. He talked her into getting breast implants about a year ago.

She has shared a lot of information with me about their relationship, and it saddens me to no end. She is the most wonderful person I've ever met. She's intelligent, she's compassionate and she's stunningly beautiful. My wife and I have a "cohabitational" relationship currently. We live in the same house, share the same bed etc. but spending time together doesn't happen that much. We don't enjoy each other's company anymore. She's a control freak that seems to never find any good in the things that I do or decisions that I make. I am totally low in self-esteem currently. Unfortunately all it would take in my situation here at work would be for my co-worker to initiate it and I would probably fall all over myself to be with her.

I'm 43 y/o and I never really believed in fate or soul-mates or anything like that...but in my eyes this is the most perfect woman that I have ever known. I'm sure she isn't...but my heart melts every time she walks into a room. If she's in a bad mood I'll do anything in my power to put a smile back on her face.

I'm sure you've all heard this before, but just wanted your thoughts on it.

Don't forget ~~~> she picked him !



Just like the rest of us ... OW picked the spouse that suited her. And she has the option of divorce.

back off Jack

her marriage is none of your business

your family is in jeopardy and you play with fire

go water your own garden

pep

One of the best quotes I ever heard was this:

The grass may be greener on the other but it still needs mowing.

In other words, you are on the outside looking in. You don't REALLY have a clue about their marriage. Don't allow yourself to be a "knight in shining armor" for her.

You really need to tell her that you appreciate the friendship that she and your wife have but you are uncomfortable with her telling YOU about the personal details of her life.

Also, maybe she's not exactly the sweet little thing she portrays herself to be. Maybe she enjoys the attention she gets from you a little too much.

Anyway, you're here so you know it's wrong. You really need to follow Pep's advice and back off.

Wonderful women don't share private details about their marital sex life with their friend's husband.

She needs to see a counselor and take care of her problems.

You need to see a counselor and work on your problems.

Is your W aware of this "friend" sharing intimate details of her marriage with you? These conversations you have with her...would they make you uncomfortable if they happened in front of your W? The bar to set is if you are doing something that you would not be comfortable having your spouse see or hear, you are already in trouble.

Now first thing. You need to confess these feelings to your W. You are already cheating on her in your heart. Second, get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and read it. You may also want to get the book "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome". Can't remember the author sorry but it was written by a FWW. Also, get the book His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley for you and your W to read together. You must never have another private conversation with this OW.

BTW, kudos to you for coming here and reaching out for help!

Thanks for the comments. I do know what should be done, but the feelings that I have for this woman keep me awake at night. They consume my thoughts during the day. The likelihood that I would ever tell her my feelings is slim to none, because I don't want to mess her life up anymore than it already is. To answer your questions about whether I would be uncomfortable having my wife around during our conversations???......I would be totally comfortable because she has also talked to my wife about the issues. I truly believe she should leave him (and I consider myself a Christian) because of his spiritual beliefs (or I should say nonbeliefs I guess). I think ultimately she would be much happier. Even if she does not have any feelings for me, I want more than anything for her to be happy. She deserves it.

You sure would like to control OW's choices .... all to "make her happy"

By stepping across that boundary into her marriage ... & wishing you could control her choice to remain in the marriage you become very controlling .... much like her husband !

the cesspool of her marriage is 50% her responsibility

she chooses controlling men as a means to avoid making her own decisions ... she did that with her H, and she is doing that with you !!!!

[color:"red"] turn yourself in to your church pastor & confess this obsession

Satan is feeding this obsession ! [/color]

Pep

So let me get this straight... you slam this man for being an atheist.. you claim to be Christian... and yet You act in a most un-Christian way by even engaging in inappropriate discussions with this woman. So, what is your "walk" like these days?
I do think you made a great decision to post here... so the advice is simple. Tell your W what has happened. Never speak to this woman again and get counseling. Never engage in this type of discussion with another woman. Look at this woman for who SHE truly is. She is not the perfect woman you have made her out to be... and as proof... if she were your W... how would you feel if she had these conversations with another man?
You need to quit your job... get counseling... confess to yoru wife... stop comparing your W to this fantasy situation....
In other words... get your head out of your [censored] and start acting like a man and a husband!

OK..so as a christian..you are aware that regardless of your feelings..you are yourself acting in rebellion and are not a positive influence in this womans life..nor is she a positive on in yours.

Let's keep your marital issues separate from your affair issues please..they can not be held in a compare/contrast with any validity because YOUR logic and YOUR perceptions are admittedly very perverted right now.

The right thing to do..the RIGHT THING is to confess to your wife in total..write a NC letter that is protective of your marriage rather than protective of this womans feelings and never see her or speak to her ever again.

If you are ready and willing to do that GREAT! You have my full support!

If you dally in this affair instead..knowing full well what it is..then what can I say..you are lost and sick and you refuse to get well.

Everything about this "relationship" is pure fantasy..you have taken this woman apart and made a fantasy of her for your own edification out of the things you like..no way around it.

You are also doing the exact opposite to your wife.

It is transparent and completely formulaic..you are reading from the WS handbook verbatim.

It really is all going to come down to a decision..either you side with your principles or you allow yourself to be ruled by your emotions..the dog you feed is the one that will win.

Remember that YOU are 50% responsible for YOUR marriage being in this state.

Take the energy you are exerting on the EA and direct it towards your own marriage.

Not spending time together?
Make time to do just that.

Don't enjoy each others company?
If you're not spending time together AND at the same time you're emotionally cutting yourself off from your wife (which you ARE doing to have and EA) how do you expect to enjoy each other?

She's a control freak?
Why? The need control stems from fear. What does she fear?

Does she know you feel this way? Have you had a heart to heart about the state of your relationship? If asked, would she say it's as bad as you see it?

You have so much to take care of at home. If you put first things first and take care of your marriage you may be amazed at the change you can make simply by redirecting all that energy you are giving to another woman back to your wife and you.

FIM

Hops -

There are a number of factors here you need to take a look at.

First, the replies regarding cleaning up your marriage are right on target. You need to take care of your wife's ENs right now. The fact that your own marriage is not making you happy, and that your wife is a "control freak" are clear indicators that you need to spend a LOT of time at home, working on that relationship.

Next, fantasies are perfect. So, this other woman is exactly what you want her to be. The perfect damsel in distress, needy, wanting you to rescue her, poor pitiful lady with a terrible mean man who "makes" her wear sexy clothing against her will, etc......right out of the other woman's play book. Don't believe me? Might want to check out the other woman's website (yes, there is one) gloryb.com (maybe it's glorybe.com, can't remember exactly) - you just won't believe how her story fits theirs! She sounds like she is cut from the same cloth. Sorry, brother.

Now, for the emotional aspect of this. One of the psychological phenomenon that occurs frequently in the workplace is called the "mere exposure effect". People who work together frequently experience a high degree of exposure to each other. This level of frequency of exposure creates a level of familiarity which results in a level of comfort and closeness which often can be mistaken for affection/love. This can explain many of the workplace affairs which occur, especially between two people who would likely not be attracted to each other were they to meet under other circumstances. Reduce your contact, or eliminate it altogether, and fast. Best advice on here.

Just for the sake of the exercise, sit back and focus on this woman and pretend meeting her in your church. Now, in front of your friends, family, pastor, and others, would you be willing to stand up in front of all of them and announce your attraction and affection/love for her today? If you cannot picture yourself there, then the fantasy is just that - fantasy. There is no white horse.

Go talk to your wife. Do the work you need to do there. It will not be easy. If my husband had spent one-half the time he spent talking to me instead of seducing the other woman, we wouldn't be in the mess we are in today. Don't follow his path to stupidity and regret.

Schoolbus

Our POVs may be good and all but you need a recovery plan for your M. Go read the books: His needs/Her needs and then Surviving an affair. Yep, in that order.

Your W's controlling maybe related to your lack of control. Also, you are a Ws and are fogged or mystified by the excitment of an A. Fantasy land. Yep....the comment about a good woman doesn't share her M stuff is right. If she is in a bad R, having an R w/you isn't right.

My Xws thought he could help OWs also. He used to and finds it backfires each time. Where? In our M. Also he found out that the women complaints he did hear were similar to my own complaints about him. So where is the grass greener? Hm..... you manicure of your own lawn....don't go relandscaping someone elses'.

L.

This is the key to your feelings for the OW.

Its NOT about her. Its about you being lonely in your M and having low self esteem and not dealing with it. Therefore, OW is not the solution to your problem....she will only compound your problems. She is an emotional escape--not a lifetime partner!

Regaining self esteem and happiness in your M is the solution. You cannot regain self esteem, if you become a bigger liar and cheater. If you want to be happy again, you have to work on your M....not go have conversations with big boob, slinky skirt victim-girl.


PLEASE, look at my signature line. I have BEEN there DONE that. Dont make the mistake of your life, the one you can never change.

READ everything on this site.

Fill out the questionaires.

Speak to your wife.

Didn't you love her once? Wasn't she once the woman you wanted to make smile?

She is still there. Go find her.


KEEP POSTING, we can help you if you have the courage to do the hard stuff.

Dear Hoppels,
forgive me for the expression, but it seems to me you are thinking with your "small brain" and that simply isn't designed for thinking. But it can control your "big brain" easily if you let it.. and ruin your life.
It also has very little to do with real love. Would you be equally concerned and kept awake at night if this woman would be nice but not such a good looking person?
Cool down. Your M needs attention. You're avoiding that in order to dive into this phantasy... but who will be there with you in 10-20 years? Mrs Phantasy? Or will she be complaining to the next guy... about you?

OW shared all her frustrations about her M with my H and me as well... the poor thing.. such a good soul.. so good, she decided she was entitled to have some "fun" so she helped my H to have some "fun" too.

Sorry to be bitter - I just hope you'll get back on track with your M before this goes too far.

Good luck to you, and keep posting here!

Well, hoppels, you've cried for help, and I truly hope you are ready to take the help being offered by these many good people. Each of them has had something valuable to share with you. Unfortunately, it seems so many times we inaccurately perceive the life ropes being thrown us as nooses to hang us or whips to beat us. As you've correctly decided, you are in a CRITICAL place in life - a point of juncture that may well seal the fate of you and those you love (including this associate of yours) for great gain or terrible loss.

Since your mind and emotions are so wrapped up in this fantasy you've created, let me suggest that you continue with your imaginings. I want you to take your fantasy "love" to its full course. Undoubtedly, an honorable man such as yourself will want to marry this woman as soon as you and she are free. You will settle down... where? What kind of house will you live in? Will you both be able to retain your employment once your affair becomes public knowledge? Do you have children? Does she? Imagine the loss and hurt they will experience when their homes are split in two... when your own children cry for you because you are not there to raise them as a father should. Imagine holidays split 50/50 and awkward future weddings. Imagine your grandchildren having no special place to visit or have their childhood needs met in a way that only grandparents can or them having to divide their affection among six, seven, or maybe eight different grandparents. Imagine how you will fall in stature and respect when your children discover you have betrayed their mother and your Christian beliefs. Do you have relatives and friends... those you influence at work and church? Imagine the hurt and disappointment - perhaps even their own crisis of faith -when they learn you have cuckholded another man's wife. You portray this woman's husband as a bit of a Neanderthal. Is he dangerous? Surely he must be if he "forces" her to do so many things against her will. If so, will he be a threat to you and your family - or to this woman you so love?

The possible combinations of imaginings are infinite, I suppose, hoppels. Think about each of them. Consider them carefully. Let them play out in your mind. Think about waking with this woman in the harsh morning light without her lovely self all put together. Think about her disciplining your children or you hers. Think about paying bills when your money is subdivided between three or four households. Think about the drudgery of it all when it becomes REALITY.

Marriage is not for sissies. You know that. You just fell out of the boat. Grab the life lines being thrown you, hoppels, so you can climb back in the boat and be a man. You think your wife is controlling? Just consider the power you're about to give this other woman to destroy your very soul.

Grab the life line.

MAzingrace

Ditto.......to respondents above, here's mine...

Hoppels,

Your associate's blip of her M sounds exactly like what my FWH's OW told him about her marriage, when she was calling him wanting advice. She even went so far to say that her husband was lazy & did nothing around the house & that she did it all. (poor me) Later after DDAY, I asked OW's H about this, he thought that what I said was ridulously funny as he said she was a horrible housekeeper, never lifting a finger and the only thing she cared about was sex and shopping.

As the story goes, the web they weave...to entice.

If you are going to cheat, come clean and go for it; don't lower yourself into deception, maintain integrity by being honest about your feelings with your wife. The lies hurt worse than the A, although we are recovering, I will never get over the deceit.

AnnieT

Just a heads-up for those responding: This poster has several threads... and they are intertwined.

In one thread, he is asking for help for his co-worker, who is mentioned here, because her H is asking her to sleep with someone else... there's this one that says he's in an emotional affair with the co-worker... and another thread is about his wife not meeting his needs and includes a link(referenced in the thread I've included below) that goes to his first post, which says that he's had an internet physical affair and threesomes.

I find it confusing and difficult to give advice when we don't have the whole story.

Click Here

For those who want the rest of the story....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2907609

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3046756

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3046787

Wow! Forget the "honorable man" crap - don't I feel stupid!

Thanks for posting the cross links, NB and Cinderella. I'm not sure what this guy wants at all. Perhaps just to weave an interesting story(ies)?