Briefly, here's my story....my husband had what at first was an EA which then turned into a PA, which all together lasted six months. He told me about her in 5-06. He wants to work things out between us. We have a child. Fortunately, now we are many miles away from OW, thank God! However, he still texts her and occasionally calls, but their phone calls are no where near the length they had been. I check phone records and he knows I do. He is trying to break away and we are in plan A. I am being patient and trying to make sure he knows I love him more than words can say, because I truly do, however, trusting him is very difficult. I want to believe what he tells me, but he has proven to be a very good liar. I can recall many instances over the course of the last six months when I trusted and then found out recently what was really happening at that particular moment in time. It's difficult to forget those moments.

He starts out the day in a decent mood and then by the time afternoon and evening roll around he is distant and far away a lot of the time. When we speak on the phone during his work day he is usually too busy to give me much time and attention. I don't call often because I know he's got a lot to deal with. The stress of his work takes most of his energy.

Today he called to let me know he got my message from earlier in the day and would call me after lunch and then would soon be headed home, I expected an hour or so. When he didn't call I called to inquire. I replayed our last conversation and he said: "I must be coming down with amnesia, because I don't ever remember saying that I would be coming home soon." He was then irritated and wanted to get off the phone. Said he would call me later after he got some more work done. I hung up the phone dumbfounded, because I know what I heard him say. It's like he's trying to make me look nuts or something. Is this common?

It makes me wonder if he talked to the OW today and got in a melancholy mood. I think he may be using another phone so that I can't check his records. Last week I asked him if he has another phone and he told me "no". I don't know if I can believe him.

I'm sitting here trembling with anxiety. I really don't want to lose him. I love him so much. We've been married more than 20 years. I want to ask him if he is telling me the truth, but he gets defensive and loses his patience whenever I ask questions. Big red flag, wouldn't you agree? I guess I'll just wait a while longer to see what I find out by observation.

Any suggestions? He says he loves me and wants to stay married to me. We've had good days and made some progress and then some not so good days.

Thanks......oh and by the way after posting this the first time I need to add one more item to this post....I found his other phone! I knew I couldn't believe him. We have a long road ahead, don't we? Now, what? Do I confront him or do I wait for him to ask me if I found his phone?

Welcome. He wasn't too worn out and stressed to have an affair, so I wouldn't accept excuses.

He needs to have no contact with her for any reason. You are in a false recovery as long as he has contact. It is like a heroin addict just shooting up a little heroin.

I hope you will do lots of reading and posting here so we can help you develop a plan.

Yes, I agree. I told him last month after I looked at the past few months phone records..."if you had given our relationship half the energy and effort you gave the one with her, our marriage would've been in such a better place during the past few years." He agreed.

I am doing lots of research and we are talking a lot. We have begun to read SAA, (I've finished, he hasn't) We hope to go to counseling and a MB weekend workshop.

Thank you for your input.

Right now, you can't trust him at all. That is just the way it is.

Have you done a good Plan A?

Did he confess to the affair, or did you catch him?

He confessed. I was absolutely shocked beyond belief. He is one who would NEVER do such a thing....isn't that what a lot of BS have said? Now I know it can happen to any couple at any given time in life.

A good plan A? Well, all I know is that he is telling me that he is so very sorry for hurting me and would like to try to make things better between us so that we can move forward with the relationship he knows we are capable of, not the flawed one of our past.

I agree that he needs to have NC at all. And he is beginning to see the wisdom in that, but has told me that they were such good friends, that the conversation was so easy and noncontroversial......well, of course it was they were living in a fantasy world, the real world takes work and effort.

Have you read about Plan A?

Yes, I've read all of SAA. We hope to finish reading it together over this long weekend when we finally have some alone time together to reconnect. If I can keep my emotions in check and continue to show him love and respect which I have always found easy to do in our marriage, and even now since DDay. He seems genuinely sincere in his efforts to try to reconnect with me as well.

I've yet to see his reaction when he finds out that his other phone is not where he left it. I'm a little nervous about this one. He is usually level headed and my guess is that he will ask me if I have the phone. I know I can't control what he does, but I have made it very clear over the past month that it breaks my heart into a million pieces whenever he contacts her in any way shape or form, via email, text or phone call. He says he doesn't want to break my heart. Yet, as you mentioned he is addicted to her. I have said that to him as well. He says their phone conversations are very short and very much business like...'how are you doing? how is work?' that sort of thing. Still I believe that each time he hears her voice it destroys any efforts and progress he and I have made together.

Believer is giving you truths here...and one to hold firmly onto is that...

contact continues the affair.

As long as he has any contact, he is choosing to continue his affair.

Your Plan A is about you, which I believe, is what prompted believer's question...you say you have been showing him love and respect, as you have throughout your marriage...what I found helpful as a BS, was finding my part, my half of the marriage...which showed me my power...because I felt without knowing and owning that, I was being done to, helpless, and it was all about depending on someone who wasn't dependable to heal our marriage.

LA

So please let me know what you mean by "your part of the marriage". I've learned to be pretty independent over the years for the most part, however that never changed my depth of love for my husband. I hope you might want to share a bit more about the power you have found because I could really use some right now. It's still way early in this whole mess. He's still here and still wanting to be my husband, but he wants to continue contact with her on a limited basis because he has helped her with her new business and wants to know of the progress. Sheesh! It all makes me nauseus. Patience is my middle name.

Thanks a bunch.

He can't do both. It's like 1 body sleeping in 2 beds in 2 different locations at the same time. No can do.

Go read His needs/Her needs (harley) and learn HOW to communicate with him. Do such a spectacular plan A it will outshine that OW.

Remember any contact with the OW will be a setback to our M. It is a direct attack to your M and highly disrespectful. Tell him, contact with the OW makes you feel 'not safe'.

L.

Well, I did it. I confronted him about the other phone he told me he didn't have. The phone had two missed calls from her. It was not pretty. I was not calm and unemotional, a major LB was what I displayed. I am not proud of myself, but after all the lies, I couldn't trust another word he said. We talked for about two hours. So now here I am the next day wondering how to not do that again in the future. We worked through it, but I don't know if he'll stick around if it happens again.

So how can I get through plan A and not let my heart interfere with my daily interactions with him? I really love him and he says he loves me and wants to make our marriage work. But, it is so very difficult to sit back and know that he is still communicating with her. I have to let it go and not make myself crazy...I'm thinking anti-depressants aren't too far away for me. Never thought I would have to go there, but perhaps for the time being so that I can function, I'll need to compromise my standards for myself.

Just needed to update and vent a little. I'll be getting Her Needs, His Needs this week so that I can better cope with my emotions and so that I will know how to talk to him while he is in this terrible fog and causing me such heartache. I'm looking forward to seeing the other side of this nightmare, because he is so worth it to me. I know the real man behind this crazy irrational person he has become.

Thanks for listening.

If you can't keep your emotions in check, might be time for some anti-D's. They work very well.

I know how heartbreaking it is for you. My WH constantly insisted that the affair would be/could be/should be over. But time and time again, I caught him. It is very hard on your love.

Yes, I'll be getting antidepressents today just to get through this. I am hoping to become the lighthouse for my husband, but right about now I'm feeling like I'm the one in the fog.

I awoke from a disturbing dream again. Each time I find out he has had phone contact with OW I have a dream about him moving out. This time my daugher was in the middle of it and very confused with what was happening.

Each time he has contact with her I feel devalued and disrespected. I asked him tonight if he still will be following through with his plan to return his other company phone, as he told me he would. His answer was, "it hadn't been discussed." In other words....no. Although he assured me days ago that the plan was to stop using that phone, the one whose records I do not have access to. Now, the plan has changed...how convenient for him and for the OW. I guess I should be grateful that we live so far away from her now.

It is so hurtful that he has such disrespect for me and so easily makes me into the villian when I ask questions. I sure hope we can begin MC soon.

If you are in plan A...
you should feel very empowered...

to look your WS in the eye...and keep strong eye contact the ENTIRE time you are speaking...

to speak in a soft, calm, clear voice....
lean towards
hold their hand
while you tell them

"you should know dear spouse...
you should know that each tiny second of pleasure that you obtain in talking to or being around the OP...

that each fleeting good moment visits upon me and others in your world that love you... magnified in to the thousands...
feelings of great
pain,
confusion,
and
sadness...
that I could never wish upon you or anyone...

that your contact has that effect on many many people...

and I really just needed to take a moment and make sure we are clear on that issue."



Walk away
slowly
without grand gestures
tears

speak the truth of your pain in a tone and clear language that leaves no room for rebuttal or powerstruggle..

speak it so the record stands...
not for a response of denial, blame

expect NO response
prepare for NO response

THANK GOD when you get no response...

let it hang there
let them ruminate
let them stew...

say it lovingly even...

in plan A speak your pain without accusation and blame..
but speak it clearly and concisely...


it is the truth
and
reality
the WS runs from.....
offer it small calm clear doses...

and they will be less likely to retaliate from the bitter taste of the truth...when offered in small small innoculous
doses

plant the seed
ARK^^