Since my affair, my wife has been addicted to this site. She wants me to post here to see if you of great wisdom can assist me in figuring out what the heck I am doing with my life. Already, I can see I am in trouble, why am I doing what she wants and not what I want, but that is another story. Here is my story:
During the first 5 years of marriage we had a constant issue with rejection and sexual addiction. I felt she would reject me and I would turn to porn. This was our cycle. She would find out about the porn, confront me and I would stop for a short period of time, then go back. I always had the feeling of being rejected, porn was a release and a comfort zone. No chance of being rejected. Well, we went on for another 3 or 4 years with very little contact between me and my wife, but we had little kids so it was easy for us to do. We were strangers raising our kids. Who are the loves of our lives. One day, I realized that this was not a marriage, but just a living arrangement. About a year after realizing this, I had an affair. This affair was my first and only, although my wife does not believe this. This person was someone who was able to stir emotions in me that I don't remember ever feeling. The sex was not "the best ever" nor was it all that often, but the conversations and the emotions more than made up for any of that. This was the first person, I felt I could "tell anything" and not worry. I have a million issues and this trust thing is one of them.

Well, I had to tell wife about the affair, almost lost my job, been demoted, resumed contact with affair, broke off contact after wife found out....etc....

What am I doing? Can I put this marriage back together? Do I want to? There is a lot more to this story of course, but I did not want to bore everyone.

I feel a lot like this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Why am doing this? What is going on with me, any ideas?

Welcome trustissues!

First, know that weekends are often slow (not a lot of members posting)... so be patient and hang in there with us... after the July 4th holiday, this place will get back to normal.

I am not an expert in porn issues, to be honest. I am an expert in infidelity issues, though (as most are here and wish we weren't <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)... I've been both betrayed and betrayer... both in my first 20 year marriage.

What's the most difficult about your kind of affair is that it was mostly EMOTIONAL, not just physical. My affair was the same way. I only slept with the OM (Other Man) once, and **man, what a wake-up call** ... the affair ended shortly after that. It was with someone I worked with -- was yours with someone you work with, hense the being demoted at work and almost losing your job??

I've been in your wife's shoes, too... having been betrayed... and it is devistating. In fact, both sides are...

Okay, so... you're here, so I'd say you want to work on your marriage... so my advice, first, is to quit asking that question. You *want* to work on it, or you'd have been gone, right? For the kids, if for no other reason right now, correct?

Anyway, just wanted to say hello and welcome you to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome.

I suggest reading around the site itself, in addition to the Message Boards.

....fill out the questionaires

....implement the Basic Concepts.

Good luck and keep posting.

Don't know who your BS poster is but it doesn't matter. See we are quite flexible when it comes to helping people. Don't tolerate stupidity but willing to help those who want it and only ask they return the favor when they can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now I recommend you get into some serous reading and counseling.

Recommended book: His Needs/Her Needs (Dr Harley).

Call Steve H @ MB and do some phone counseling. Seems you need to find out some stuff about yourself before your W can even lend u a hand.

U R really ready?

take care,
L.

Ok, I am trying to figure out if I am ready or what the heck I am doing. I did the phone counseling once with the dr. His stance was pretty clear and simple. First you figure out what you want, then you and your spouse figure out how to get there, the steps. If I messed this up or am missing it, Please correct me. My problem is that I can not or do not see a future.

Yes, I have been going to counseling for several months now, both personal and marriage. I know the difference between will, wants, can, should and all those other taking responsiblity type words.

I am not looking for a solution today, this has been on going for months. I just feel like I am in a holding pattern waiting for something to happen. When that happens to me, the somthing is usually bad.

I have not been able to engage with my wife for many months now, guilt, trust, shame etc...I don't know. What should I do? Any suggestions?

Living from fear is confusing...

Confusion gets in the way of clarity...

I found reading and posting aided my own clarity...

You are in counseling...are you finding your place in the world? Why being here for you would be better than being here for your marriage?

Do you know how you became to be in a wayward state of mind?

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect.

That's a wayward state of mind.

This isn't me telling you that you're at fault, wrong or a mistake...this me telling you that you are human, and we get the payoff of resentment early on in our lives...long before we use our partners as fodder for it...that we create resentment, build it, feed it and feed on it...

And stopping ourselves from resenting changes our lives.

Resentment gives us blurry vision, skewed thoughts and irrational beliefs...we live in conflict, inside and out, try to reason our way through...instead of coming from love, we come from fear.

You can have a life of freedom, responsibility and love...just those three realities...every day. Your choice.

I had a hard time picking a different future because it was outside my imagining...didn't have examples for how great marriage and life could be...I resisted it from fear.

You could begin battling your resentment by choosing your perspective...

You're here on MB because you want to know what is so great about it...you want to know why people can live great lives, with conflict, resolution, forgiveness, joy and actually be grateful for infidelity...curiosity.

You can choose to be open to your wife wanting you here to receive love, support, honesty, truth and know you're not alone...not wrong, defective or a mistake.

Or you can choose to resent, in advance, that we're hear to brainwash, bash, undermine and punish...

What you choose as your perception will be your reality...I think your life has proven that...

Mine did.

Turning inward changes everything. Getting to where you know you're complete, whole and marvelously made matters most...until you do, how can you be intimate with others? What would you possibly have worth sharing? Or being shared with? Once you get you are and your wife is...you can become safe, open, have that incredibly holy marriage...and live from love, not fear.

Change everything. Change your beliefs.

LA

U R looking for something.....something u have to take action on.

Get the book His Needs/Her Needs and start reading. Think that's easy? Read it them laern to implement.

L.

I am not concerned about what you all think and or say. Everyone has their opinions. I know that I am at fault for the affair and I take full responsibility. No issues there. I am trying to figure out what I need to do. How I can work on me. I have so many issue, but I am not working on them. I am just going through the motions, emotionless. There is something missing from my life and I do not know what it is. I don't feel like I can talk to my wife. Not about much of anything. This is a me issue and not a her issue, but it is an issue. I am starting to do things that will hurt her again, Porn...affair sites. Yet neither of those types of things really interest me. I think I am subconsciously doing it to get her to kick me out. Sorry to take up your time with my stupidity. There are many others here who know what they want and need help getting there. I need help trying to figure out what I want. I guess.

I feel like I am all messed up and am really just messing up the lives of my wife and kids. I want that to stop.

Well darn, if you're not concerned about our opinions it sort of puts a damper on our attempts to help.

Orchid suggested you get the book "his needs her needs"; I would stake my life on it being a start to you recovering your interest in your wife and your marriage.

My husband told me after his affair that he had it because he was 'bored with his life, and bored with his wife'. Well it's true I had been wrapped in my career and creating a better life for us in some future, while I let our present die of neglect.

Dr. Harley says we need a plan.

Have you read the basic concepts?

You could start with 15 hours a week devoted to dating your wife, exploring who she is and who you are. Recapturing your original love.

His Needs Her Needs - $15.00

Recovering your Happy Marriage - Priceless.

Welcome, Trustissues,
If you don't mind my asking a few personal questions, here they are:
How old are you and BW and the kids? Is it possible, this is a classic case of mid life crisis? Not at all to minimize what that means, but it heips in figuring out where your head is at.

While I don't know the specifics, why do you think porn is a central player in your story? Were you doing it at work? Reason I ask is, in my opinion, anyone who is not having sex with their spouse might naturally turn to porn for release.

So...
Was the porn used INSTEAD of satisfying your wife, or because she wasn't interested? If it was after rejection, I view the porn as a "bit part" player in the whole scene. More important is why you and wife weren't having a fulfilling sex life. (I know what I'm talking about...my H hasn't slept with me in over 4 years, and I have a very normal libido, so it's killing me.)

See, in my case, we stopped having sex when I got pregnant, and used the little ones as an excuse to continue to ignore having sex. I'm quite certain FWH has a stash of porn to "get that release," but the problem isn't the porn, it's the fact he doesn't WANT to be with me.

In your case, sounds like your wife rebuffed you. Why? Is there more to the story? Was the marriage unsatisfying to her on other levels, or did she have a psychological or physiological problem?

Some of those answers might give us more background on your situation, and explain some of the motivation on both sides.

As a caveat, you've probably heard this before, and I'll say it just for good measure...no matter what your wife did or didn't do, even if she teased you and left you unsatisfied, you know that the actual AFFAIR is 100% YOUR FAULT. I'm not trying to give you ideas to JUSTIFY the A, just looking for possible sources of unhappiness in the Marriage.

You have a long road ahead, no matter what path you take, so don't let that discourage you from doing the right thing.
Good luck...there are some really experience men and women on this forum, and you will get lots of good advice, I promise. Stick with it.

I am sorry, I did not mean that I would not listen to opinions and thoughts, I meant that I was not worried about you all bashing me.

We currently have a full library devoted to affair and marriage building in our house. I am sure we have HNHN's and I will give it a read.

We have been trying the dating thing, but it usually just ends in an arguement. The only subject we seem to have to talk about is us, the kids, the marriage and my trust issues. Usually after many drinks. Not too many, just many.

Again, thanks for taking time to read.

Drinking AND Porn? OMG! Ok, just kidding.

To clarify my earlier post, and before anyone kicks me for dismissing porn as a problem, what I mean is...

I remember my Grandfather used to read Playboy magazine. I think many "normal" guys enjoy looking at pictures of naked women. That said, some of the $hit out there these days is just plain sick. Hopefully, that's not the kind of porn we're talking about? (No children, animals, rape, depraved kind of stuff, right?)

Anytime someone is struggling with porn I thing they should go over to the www.recoverynation.com website and just read through some of their information and see if anything fits.

Hi TI,

Been there, done that!

Our stories are fairly similar, I used to use porn also.

As to your feeling of 'just putting in time' I think that's normal to a certain degree. I know when I was in counselling I had no idea of how far and how deep my dysfunctions were. It seemed like for months all we talked about was my childhood and upbringing.

I finally told my counsellor that it wasn't my father that was 'here', it was me, and we should probably stick to discussing MY issues. He promptly stated that he (my father) was a large part of my issues.

It took about 2 - 2.5 years of counselling (once a week) for me to start feeling like a person inside and not detesting the person that was looking back at me when I shaved.

During counselling there were several sessions (5 - 6) that would start and end with no apparent point, and then on the 7th session it would all fall into place like dominoes. Those sessions where quite uplifting and good for a person's self worth.

Yes, we still have our sex related issues, which is normal with 2 young kids, a house, work, pets...etc. The biggest thing that I do wrong is push too hard, move too fast, and not let my wife a) become willing before she gets defensive, and b) allow her time and space to come to me.

IMHO...stick with the counselling...I know your not feeling much of anything right now, but you will in time if you stick with it.

I see alot of myself in you, in that I need physical attention and think that making love demonstrates to our wives how we feel about them. For them a day off away from the kids or a bouquet of flowers or even a small gift would give them more piece of mind than a piece of 'tail' would.

You might even want to try when you go out on a date to avoid drinking entirely (sober date)...I don't drink and although I'm not against drinking I do think when you're trying to address the issues that you are, both parties being sober would have a higher success rate. And everyone leaving feeling that they were heard and that the other person cared.

In order to love someone you have to love yourself, so give yourself time to do that without any outside pressures.

READ HNHN...it helps alot to understand and makes a person aware of what the triggers are and what the tell tale signs to be aware of so this crap doesn't happen again.

Keep coming back!

Joe

Thanks everyone....I am 37 and my counselor does not believe this is a mid life crisis.

The drinking on the dates is mostly my wife. She has not usually drank much during the past, but now she drinks two to five beers a night. I know this is my fault too. I think every thing is my fault. I know it really is not, but I can't help but feling that it is. There is a term for this type of thinking, but I don't know what it is. Now that I am aware that the questions are coming every time we have a date, I make sure to limit myself while drinking. Two is more than enough and beer only.

Porn explained. Ok as far as I can tell, porn has always been an issue in my life, but here is how it came to play in my marriage. My wife never said no, it was worse than that, or at least to me. She did not know how to act, do to inexperience sexually, eventhough we were in our late 20's when married. I was not and still am not a person who can talk about emotions. So while she was just laying there, I thought she was rejecting me. She just did not know how to act. If I had been able to ask her, "hey, do you like this", or something like that, maybe .....but instead I started looking at porn. Nothing hardcore and/or strange. As a matter of fact, mostly so much soft core, I am embarrassed to even call it porn by today's standards.

So, now you have me feeling rejected, my wife feeling nerveous about sex and then her husband not being there physically or emotionally for her. I would use the computer for hours searching for web sites each night. She is feeling rejected, I am feeling rejected and neither of us is talking. This went on for 4 years. Every once in a while she would catch me with the porn and we would fight. I would stop for a little bit, then continue.

Once we both found out that the Porn was an escape from reality/anxioty and was a release, it was not as big an issue as it had been. She thought I preferred those women over her, when in fact, that was not true.

She says she has completely and totally (as much as possible) forgiven the affair. I can understand this and still have guilt issues. I also don't feel like I can talk to my wife. I am affraid she will "judge" me. I can't get over these two issues.

Oh, Yeah, I will go read HNHN. I got that point already...Actually several times.....Thank You...Everyone. I mean that nicely.

Why on earth are you talking about affair business on your dates? I assume that's what you meant.

I guess you are on board with setting you and your wife up for failure.


Here's a helpful hint.

Schedule quiet time to talk about the affair limited to no more than 30 minute segments of time. Use a timer if you have to. These are strictly for affair talks. Afterward reassure her as best you can, that you regret making the choices you made and that you are sorry for causing her pain. BE ABSOLUTELY HONEST. Do not react to her anger if she gets angry no matter what. Ask her not to get angry because it's easy to tell your story when you feel safe.

Dates are about having fun together. NO A TALK during DATES. Unless you both have decided you don't want to fall back into love with each other.

TI,

"She has not usually drank much during the past, but now she drinks two to five beers a night. I know this is my fault too. I think every thing is my fault. I know it really is not, but I can't help but feling that it is."

If you are to blame, then you have all the power...the control...if you did it wrong, then by doing it right is the solution...only it doesn't work for the past, does it?

Only the present.

Lying to yourself had to be in place for you to do what you did. Honesty says, "I know, but I feel differently" isn't honesty. Change your belief...respect your wife. She chooses to drink. Her feelings, beliefs and thoughts are hers...you aren't the cause, control or cure for her. At all. Respect her. Do not lie to yourself anymore...

10S nailed the RC flaw...and I would like to hear your honest response about a setup to fail...or not.

We limited R talk to 20 minutes a week in the beginning...time inbetween to rediscover each other, see each other as new, separate, equal...and eliminate our LB's and be safe enough to have those 20 minutes a week.

My DH is an SA...has walked the same road as you have with porn and fantasy. He is nearly a year from his last porn forage and doesn't miss it. He's been in IC for a year and a half for his SA and our marriage. He has come out of the shadows because of focusing on him, finding where secrets had a payoff...and he's working on what porn really meant to him, as well as other addictions...which was acceptance.

We couldn't get there until he believed I wasn't picking him apart...rejecting him...his guilt gave him a lot of power to resent, be right, and lying to himself was how he did all of that.

Being free is worth all you can do to look inward...could be at the bottom of what you "want" is to accept yourself...and no one can give you that...you have to be your own clean slate, change your premise from earning love to choosing to love...and only be responsible for what you are, by God's design...know your human limits and true power...choice. You choose your beliefs, perspective, perception, thoughts and expectations...you do that. Your feelings come from your beliefs...living by your feelings would be a faulty system, would it? Old beliefs (I'm not lovable) would give you misinformation in your feelings...."She makes me" or "I make her" would give you faulty emotions...only reporting what you believe.

Lots of real power...much more powerful than resentment, judgment or other tools we use without thinking about, to get us that temporary fix of not feeling awful for being alive.

For having done damage, and continue doing it to ourselves.

Been there, know that.

Live from love, not fear...was the best choice I've made.

You can do this.

You're not alone.

LA

Trustissues is my spouse. Since he is not posting anymore, I was hoping that some of you can help me know what to do next in this messed up marriage.

We are just sitting in limbo land. He doesn't completely want out of the marriage, but he isn't doing anything to get back in it. It is taking a huge toll on me.

I am glad he posted, because his post did finally answer something for me - what he got out of the affair. He said in his first post that it was the emotions, conversastion, the first person he could tell everything to without having to worry.

Someone please help me understand what is going on with him. He has been in NC since March - shouldn't he be distancing out of the feelings from the affair?

And at the time of the affair - he didn't want me to call OW. He said he didn't want me to show her the "real him." And there were so many one minute voice mails to her. I asked him what that was about - why all the one minute calls. He said that he liked leaving her voicemail because it made her happy - and that it wasn't as good when she answered - that the high sort of came down when he actually had to talk to her.

So where is the truth? Can a FWS help me understand all this?

It just seems to me that none of this was about OW. If she was the person he could tell anything to - that is because he chose to tell her anything. Just the way he chooses to say he can't trust me, can't connect with me, etc.

I am just lost. He wants me to let go of the affair - but I am not sure he has. And I have no idea what the real issues in our marriage are - because everything seems distorted. I don't know what to do.

What is going on with him and with us?

Have you considered that there might BE something missing from your life? Yes, in case you are wondering, I am talking about Christ.

Beyond that, I'll not say more at this time because you have not mentioned anything about faith in your lives and I won't go there if you don't want to.

ForeverHers,

One of my first instincts was to turn to the church when this all started, but my Husband has not been interested.

Maybe I should be doing more, maybe attending church every week on my own.

I have read in many different places that the marriages that survive troubled times are often helped by faith.

The quote you pulled out of my Husband's post troubles me too. I am afraid he is looking for something he will never find.