Hi, im new here and this is my first post. Have been married for 4 years, together 6 years. We have a 3 year old son. About 2 months ago wife told me that she doesnt love me and doesnt want to stay together and regret it years down the road. Last year or so she hasnt shown any type of affection, hug kiss sex, and communication has gone downhill. I love my wife and cant see spending it with anyone else and i know she loves me. I have never cheated on her and i would like to think im not the typical husband.
I cook, clean, pay bills. I do not have many friends so i never go out all night and dont call or whatever. I dont watch sports and treat my wife like i would like to be treated.

Last 6 months or so she has been going out to bars with her friends from work, male and female. All of them are single and all they do is drink and party. I would like to think my wife hasnt cheated on me, im pretty sure she hasnt. I have so much to say but im just rambling on and dont even know where to begin.

Is there any good books out there, i know my wife wont see counseling plus money isnt there. Or any advice or anything.

Brother, you're in denial. Odds are she is either cheating or has already cheated. You need to do some snooping. Get into her e-mail if you want to know the truth. Look at the browser history on internet explorer. I was in denial as well until I did those things and found the real truth.

Go to www.actualkeylogger.com. Download it and install it on your computer. Make sure you install it as a hidden program and disable your anti virus. This is what I did to find the truth. I got into her myspace site and read her e-mails and found out she was messing around on me.

If you do discover this, come back and I'll tell you how you should handle it. I made some big mistakes in how I handled my situation and belived her lies.

Good luck and I hope I'm wrong.

Ascendancy...why are you posting in Divorce?

I agree with Papaof3...

Reading on the Infidelity General Questions II section will tell you that

you're not alone
your marriage can be saved
your life is in your own hands
and
take hope.

Have you read all the articles on this website? About meeting Emotional Needs, Love Busters, Coping with Infidelity...how it doesn't have to end marriages, and usually doesn't...

And a few truisms...counseling costs a lot less than divorce...invest in what you most desire...bars aren't cheap, either...

Get "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman to understand that treating her how you want to be treated only works so far...it is a companion to ENs...helps you know what feels like love to her may not be what feels like love to you...

You can choose to be on a wondrous path of discovery...if you don't give into despair...your choice.

You have the power.

And you have come to the best place I know of anywhere to be when your marriage is in conflict and withdrawal.

Choose to take heart...and action.

We're here for you.

LA

I am also like this guy, I would cook and pay bills and do things with my kids, I do not like sports or anything like that I had one friend that would come over on Saturday every other week for about 4-5 hours and we would hang out. My wife did not go out did not do things like that but she always accused me of things, I worked out of my house (I write software) but when I get new jobs where I go to an office she seems to not be able to handle it, she wants a divorce because she has accused me 4 times now of "emotional cheating", I have not and I will not I am single (not divorced) I wear my ring everyday I do not talk to anyone I go to work do my job I go to where I live and sometimes I go to visit my brothers house and watch movies with him. I wish I she would agree to mediation I know we could work this out and be more in love then before. I just don’t know how to do it now I could get in to her accounts I have been working with computers since 1981 and I know security and everything else but I respect her privacy and will not spy on her. I just miss her that is all and would love to see her and hold her again and tell her I love her.

Hi, Tmor...and welcome, also...

Have you heard of projection? When you are accused for something you are not doing, it might be your wife projecting her feelings onto you...meaning, she's the one having an affair.

Or, from lack of communication skills, this is her trying to say she feels you're removed or distant from her...taken more with something else than her...or her perception of feeling last place.

You believe your wife has a right to her privacy?

Really?

This isn't you being too afraid of what you may find? Finding out truth instead of accepting her divorcing you...do you fear finding nothing as much as something?

When she accused you of EA's...did you open your email accounts, passwords, etc. to her?

Being transparent is better than arguing...you can do all you described and still have many EA's online...given the work you do, especially.

Why aren't you in Plan A? Doesn't sound like you want to be divorced to me...

Her insecurities are hers...you can't change them. Yours are your own.

Have you read all the articles on this website...Love Busters, Emotional Needs, The Love Bank?

Some good books:

Harley's...His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Surviving an Affair

Fighting for your Marriage by Howard Markman, et. al.

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

You can inject respect and listen and repeat...lots of tools out there...and you're not alone...nor do you have to be in this alone.

Your choice. Welcome.

LA

Yes I have heard of projection and I don’t believe she is doing that at all. She has been open with everything with me, I am some what of a work-a-holic so I get distant at times I have opened all my accounts to her, until she started to use things against me in court etc.. like sending email to herself saying they are from me. But recently I did open things back up to her as a form of trust, the problem is letting her know that they are open back up I don’t know how to get the message to her. Yes I do believe in her privacy and no if she is having an affair that is ok, I have always told her if she wanted someone else just to let me know, I will bow out, but since we have kids now I cant be that way. I don’t know what plan I am in but I do not want a divorce at all. I know about her insecurities I have always tried to accommodate her and make her feel like she was special to me but it seemed like it was never enough for her, and also she accuses me of that also what she does is never enough. The problem that I am having with her is that she will not and has not talked to me at all since all this has happened, and I would like just to talk civilly about things and I cant.

Affairs are about fantasies, not people...

Being gracious to bow out was a betraying statement...

Would you graciously bow out to a drug addiction?

I don't believe you would.

I believe...privacy prevents intimacy.

Would you consider her having an affair with resentment? Not feeling loving can be covered over by anger and resentment...fear...blocks it out...still there, underneath.

Resentment from distance...asking for what she wants and not getting it...repeatedly...your love of work...all those ENs of admiration, appreciation, acceptance...being met by your work instead of your wife...

You cannot make her feel special or secure...I think you're saying you have acknowledged her perceptions and feelings are hers...stated yours...That she IS special to you. You love her. You want your marriage. You don't want divorce. Is that correct?

Never enough is really common in marriages...back to perceptions of not being enough versus not doing enough...when we each hold what is not ours...ours spouses' thoughts, feelings and beliefs, as we are the cause, control or cure for them in our mates, and they are in ours, then this never enough jumps up...humans aren't designed to be responsible for anything but their own stuff...it's more than enough.

Handing that back in every conversation with the listen and repeat...making O&H (open and honest) statements using "I feel" and "I believe" really communicates this respectful separate and equal human design. There's a lot of relief and freedom in owning what you own, and not others' stuff.

I lived attempting to fill myself up from the outside...love myself through others...really doesn't work. Injecting respect into every interaction with my H and in my own thoughts helped tremendously.

Plan A is to save your marriage...you can do it even if there is no affair...you make opportunities to communicate respectfully, sincerely, your own stuff...

I don't understand the I can't part...there are love letters to write, schedules to make out...you asking without expecting is a good way to communicate your commitment.

Did she move out? Where is she living? Where are the children? How far along are you in the separation/divorce proceedings?

LA

Yes it is possible for her to have an affaire out of resentment, I would be upset but I would forgive her. In the past I did think she was having one and she may have I asked her once and she told me she did not I believe her. I want my marrage to last and I do not want a divorce that is correct. I can not communicate with her at all see this post http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3051749 I do keep a blog I don’t know if she is loggin in or not to check things, I post things all the time on there for her to read I just don’t think she is reading it. She called me a narcissist but I talked to my therapist about it and she seems to think I am the opposite of that, I don’t really like myself. I don’t really care what people say or think about me, I am kind of use to the way people are. They are going to say bad things even if there is nothing bad to say. I cant communicate with her at all read the post above what is going on.

Been there, the exact thing happened to me. My EX said she just wasnt happy......she didnt even have a reason WHY she was unhappy. The best she could do is that maybe we married too young.....I was 26, and she was 21. Oh well, I didnt twist her arm for marriage or having 2 children.

Anyhow, back to your situation. Unfortunately there is NOTHING you will be able to do to make your WW change how she feels. The best thing to do is leave her alone for awhile.....either she will come back home, or she will enjoy the single (shallow) life she is living and be done with marriage. Its sad, but some people dont learn till its too late that they lost a good thing.

Take care.

Ascendancy,

My wife of 3 years was just like yours. She said she was "unhappy" and denied having an affair. She went out drinking with her girlfriends quite a bit, etc. Yet, we still went through a trial separation. She had told a friend in an email..."I love him and care for him, I just don't want to be married to him." As you can see, I figured out how to get into her email.

Well, this did pay off. After reading her emails, I noticed she was spending more time with an ex flame from high school. He was always around her brother and family. But after reading the emails, all the signs of AT LEAST an EA was going on.

I hate to say this to you, but chances are VERY high your wife is in some sort of an affair. What you said in your post was just like my wife. We are still getting divorced and I'm pretty sure she is spending a lot of time with the ex. She also has many other issues as well, but I won't go into that.

It's tough, really tough to lose someone you love very much and that you have been upfront and honest with. Sometimes God has other plans.

Like someone said earlier...an affair is about fantasy. That can only last so long. She will either want this new life and divorce you or come back to you. Right now she is in a "fog" that is not her usual self, trust me.

I'm hoping in time, even after the divorce is final next month, that my wife will really "wake up" from this fog and realize that I was good for her, etc. and that I stuck with her and loved her like no other. Of course, I'm not counting on getting back with her, but you never know.

In the meantime, I have to move forward with my life. God will take care of me and he will do the same for you.

I am relatively new here too. I would suspect that your wife is having an affair. My ex had an affair...and I didn't know who to get into his emails and such. My oldest son found out that his father was having an affair...but the emails that my ex and the OW were sending. They were very graphic and my son did get into a physical fight with his father.

Your wife is not acting normal...and to go out with friend to drink and play...is not the norm. I would do like they stated...and have a spy network put on the computer. Your ansewr will come forth.

Divorce is ugly...and there is a lot of pain and suffering with divorce. My ex said the kids will be alright...and they are not alright. Even though they are older and 3 or on their own...they have been scarred by the divorce.

It is a good start that you don't want a divorce...but you do need counseling. To work on this by yourselfs will not be what is needed to save this marriage. There is counseling through churches that are low in cost. This could be something that you could look into. And to be effective, the two of you need to WANT to go to counseling.

Many of us have experienced what many of you are just starting to go through. There is great advice here....so please stay tuned and I wish you the best. LoveinHim

Thanks for all the input. I am gonna be moving out here in a week or so. Wife seems so happy without me. Im very computer literate and if my wife was messing around she wouldnt do it through the pc, she knows i would catch her. I have all passwords and email addressed and whatnot. Already checked,have keylogging progs and theres nothing. If she was to do something all contact would be through cell phone which i look at her calls online through cingular. A new recent number popped up lately that i dont know. She went to coast with work friends supposedly last weekend and is coming over to pick some clothes she washed and we are gonna talk about whats gonna happen, tonight. Tonight is the night it is coming out if she is messing around. I will keep you posted.Thanks

You would be SHOCKED at the way cheaters can communicate. My EX wifes phone cell phone bill had 50-100 calls a month on it to this ONE number......the call only lasted 1 min. to 2 min. each time. She kept telling me it was her girlfriend and that the phone kept dropping the calls when she would drive around. Well, I came to find out later that my EX would call her BF cell/pager......and he would call her back either from another phone, or to another phone she was carrying from work.

Soo, even though you may not be finding alot of evidence that an affair is going on, dont be suprised if something is.

You moving out of your house? Away from the kids?

DONT! This will be used against you in court and could hurt your chances in terms of custody. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement.

Get a book called "Father's Rights". It lists the most common mistakes men make to hurt themselves in divorce. Moving out is one of them! YOU are not the one cheating.

More than likely your wife is at a minimum flirting with the idea of an affair. Probably has crossed that line or had a one night encounter.

Just some food for thought.