As the end of my marriage to my WH draws near, I find myself wondering about my future relationship with my STBX-ILs.

The last time I saw them was a few weeks ago. They were having a short break away from the small hotel they own, and visited STBX and OW, and then me.

They took DDs and me out for dinner. This was about a week and a half after I came out of hospital after my Crohn’s flare-up, and I didn’t eat very much. It wasn’t a very merry party, to be honest. When the meal was finished, and the ILs were ready to drive back to their city, MIL gave me a big hug, and started crying. I’m not sure why – I think she feels sorry for me.

It kind of felt like a good-bye hug to me. I am no longer their daughter-in-law – OW has completely taken over that role, and STBX and OW have from the first attempted to erase my existence from the family. I am never talked about – it’s like the children sprung into existence all by themselves, and now the OW is their mother. I am no longer needed for MIL & FIL to have access to their grandchildren either – STBX and OW can take the girls down to see them any time.

But it’s not just the feeling of giving up a losing battle – or the feeling that I’ve been erased. Visiting with MIL and FIL is very painful for me. Too many memories. As I mentioned, they own a small hotel in a beautiful historical city in England. I remember when they bought it, and how they have struggled to make a success of it. I remember how it almost never happened for them. Just before they bought it, FIL had a horrific fall and broke his spine. He nearly died, was so nearly paralysed, and is extremely lucky to have the mobility he has now, although he suffers greatly from pain every waking minute. When he had the accident, I came down and stayed with MIL for a while, to help her cope.

Our family spent so many happy Christmases and birthdays with MIL & FIL in their little hotel. Last Christmas, after I had just filed for divorce against STBX, MIL invited the girls and me down there again for Christmas. It was very strange and sad without STBX. The girls had a good time, but I just got sick! I had Crohn’s flare up whilst I was there, and had to begin a course of steroids when we returned.

The thing is, everything wonderful and fun and special that I experienced at this place and with these people was with STBX. I can’t separate him from the memories. Because, during our marriage, he was everything to me – he was primary in my heart and my priorities. It’s probably a bad thing for a woman to admit – that her husband was first before her children, but that’s just how it was. He was my number one. And now, everything that we experienced, everything we did together is tainted because he is building new memories and special experiences with the OW at these places, with these people.

And, of course, MIL and FIL have completely accepted the OW. They feel sorry for me, yes, and I’m sure they care about me, but there was never any doubt that they would support their son. I find this hard to accept, but I can’t really blame them.

I think I need to let them go. Remaining close to them is impeding my recovery, and making me sick and sad. I can’t pretend any more that I can still have the same relationship with these people as if nothing had happened.

STBX and OW have won another round. It’s so unfair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

It does appear like the WS and OW have won, but in life, reality bites and in the long run.....no WS or OW wins. It was never a contest.

You are the mother of their grandchildren and his children. You always will be. The OW will always be the OW even if she pretends to carry a married name. The stigma of being an OW will be branded on her but and forehead forever. How sad the Ws is with a scarred burnt creature from the weird world.

L.

I know that, and my kids know that. But STBX and OW have campaigned so hard to erase me from his family, and they are succeeding.

That's why I feel I need to withdraw from this. It's not a contest, you're right, but it isn't dignified either to keep thrusting myself where I'm not wanted.

I need to get on with my own life, and let go of the old - including, unfortunately, some very dear people who were a part of it.

Thanks, Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hello Alphin,
long time no see my dear (or should I say, long time no read <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) !

I guess it would be wise to remove yourself from your IL's as contact with them will always be a trigger for you. It's a little bit like with mutual friends - those that know what XWH did, and still choose to remain on friendly terms with him - I cannot remain friends with.

You have HAD those good times. Your children have enjoyed them, it's there in their memories. I hope at some point your pain will subside and you'll be glad these good things also took place, even if it's very painful now to let them go... through no fault of yours...

(((Alphin))))
I hope you'll find a wonderful hubby to make now memories with !

Hi Brownhair - lovely to talk with you again!


My children can still enjoy these memories because he still loves his girls. Not the same for me unfortunately! Also, when he left he said that our entire marriage had been rotten from start to finish - all my fault of course, and even though I know this is fog, it has kind of ruined all my happy memories from our history!

I think that what hurts most now - the destruction of these memories. I've lost not only my future with STBX, but our past also. Unless he one day admits that what he said was untrue (snowball in he//'s chance of that!), that he was only saying our relationship was bad from the first to justify his affair and leaving me, I can never reclaim those memories and hold them dear to my heart again.

Alph.

Dear, dear Alphin...
of course he's justifying his actions.. and the fog will be thick as long as OW is in the picture.
Either your H is an actor with a performance worth a few Oscars, or he is re-writing history.. care to choose from those options? Or maybe do so when you're in a stronger place, emotionally.

I personnally had lost all love for RWH by the time I decided to leave him. I had a lot of "I must be a really horrible person if he and OW (my BF) feel entitled to do those things to me", my self-esteem went down and my weight went up.. but he11... I'm still here and my sense of humor is finally coming back to me.

Let me tell you what Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting (liked that movie)
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
(Will Hunting now standing with his back against the wall)
IT'S... NOT... YOUR... FAULT.

You are a completely lovely, sweet person and you deserve much, more than the way you have been treated.

(((Alphin)))

I really liked what you said about the memories. We don't even get to keep those because the WH has tainted them so bad with their justification.

I only have one in-law for me and WH to have a "custody" battle for. It is WH sister. WH has pretty much abandon all the other family and friends.I talk to SIL occasionally and she has said that I will always be her SIL. She is very dear to the children and I do hope to continue that relationship. I also want to make sure that I don't continue that relationship just to spite OW. (Which I could do in my twisted head).

When we were seperated before, I did not maintain that relationship. I was ashamed and embarrassed. When we reconciled and I went with WH for a visit to SIL, I felt so very welcome and they were glad I was back. They never liked H's girlfriend that he took up there to meet them.

You do wonder if the inlaws always have this nagging dislike for the OP, they just hide it to maintain the relationship with the WS.

Hi Alph -
Baloney!

You're the clear winner here. You have your integrity intact. The infidels and your X in-laws will always have the "yea, but" nagging in their memories.

I'd rather be a BS than a WS any day of the week. Please try to look at it this way.

Or, consider that your H doesn't know it yet, but he'll soon be stricken by Enamortization: To fall irrationally in love with someone and end up paying for it for the next 30 years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

I can identify with tainted memories. I feel disgusted whenever one of them pops up. And then I try to think of other things.

Sorry to hear abt the "loss" of the IL's too, Alphin.

I have never developed a close rel'ship with the IL's.. and after MIL knew of the A (she did nothing to end it BTW), I have Plan B'ed them too. Anyway, I don't really like MIL much. Since I'm not close to them and do not have any kids, it's much "simpler" for me to not talk/ see them at all.

Hang in there Alph

~A

Alphin
A number of people took the time to respond to this question which you also posted over on the D/D board. You might want to check out their responses, too.