As the end of my marriage to my WH draws near, I find myself wondering about my future relationship with my STBX-ILs.

The last time I saw them was a few weeks ago. They were having a short break away from the small hotel they own, and visited STBX and OW, and then me.

They took me and DDs out for dinner. This was about a week and a half after I came out of hospital after my Crohn’s flare-up, and I didn’t eat very much. It wasn’t a very merry party, to be honest. When the meal was finished, and the ILs were ready to drive back to their city, MIL gave me a big hug, and started crying. I’m not sure why – I think she feels sorry for me.

It kind of felt like a good-bye hug to me. I am no longer their daughter-in-law – OW has completely taken over that role, and STBX and OW have from the first attempted to erase my existence from the family. I am never talked about – it’s like the children sprung into existence all by themselves, and now the OW is their mother. I am no longer needed for MIL & FIL to have access to their grandchildren – STBX and OW can take the girls down to see them any time.

It’s not just the feeling of giving up, either – or the feeling that I’ve been erased. Visiting with MIL and FIL is very painful for me. Too many memories. As I mentioned, they own a small hotel in a beautiful historical city in England. I remember when they bought it, and how they have struggled to make a success of it. I remember how it almost never happened for them. Just before they bought it, FIL had a horrific fall and broke his spine. He nearly died, was so nearly paralysed, and is extremely lucky to have the mobility he has now, although he suffers greatly from pain every waking minute. When he had the accident, I came down and stayed with MIL for a while, to help her cope.

Our family spent so many happy Christmases and birthdays with MIL & FIL in their little hotel. Last Christmas, after I had just filed for divorce against STBX, MIL invited the girls and me down there again for Christmas. It was very strange and sad without STBX. The girls had a good time, but I just got sick! I had Crohn’s flare up whilst I was there, and had to begin a course of steroids when we returned.

The thing is, everything wonderful and fun and special that I experienced at this place and with these people was with STBX. I can’t separate him from the memories. Because, during our marriage, he was everything to me – he was primary in my heart and my priorities. It’s probably a bad thing for a woman to admit – that her husband was first before her children, but that’s just how it was. He was my number one. And now, everything that we experienced, everything we did together is tainted because he is building new memories and special experiences with the OW at these places, with these people.

And, of course, MIL and FIL have completely accepted the OW. They feel sorry for me, yes, and I’m sure they care about me, but there was never any doubt that they would support their son. I find this hard to accept, but I can’t really blame them.

I think I need to let them go. Remaining close to them is impeding my recovery, and making me sick and sad. I can’t pretend any more that I can still have the same relationship with these people as if nothing had happened.

STBX and OW have won another round. It’s so unfair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

i have not heard from inlaws for months now. they live really really far away so it's not like they are in town. my mil would tell me all the time she still prayed for the restoration of my marriage to her son. don't know if she still does. i would be like, he lives with ow, he is wearing a ring from her, she is telling people they are getting married,etc... she said she still prayed and i needed to live by faith and not by site. she just didn't get that i did not want him back! i didn't want to mean and say that to her, i know she loved(s) me and wanted the marriage to work. i told her there had been too much infidelity i did not think i could EVER get past that. i never wanted him to touch me again and that he didn't want to anyway. lastly, i told her god says i can have a divorce due to adultery, and boy was there a lot of it! i think that she is finally seeing there is no hope. no emails from her for months now. and i let them go a long time ago. it is the past for me. they were always VERY good to me, loved me, listened to me, everything. i cannot complain about who my inlaws were. i did tell them i would miss them at one point and thank you for being exactly like second parents for me. but i could not move on til i let them go so i did a long long time ago. they will probably have a new dil soon enuff, who knows. i would talk with them, i have no issue with them. but they are not my inlaws anymore. someday maybe i will have new ones, and i will treat them as well as i did my other ones. they are family after all. but my old ones are not my inlaws anymore. i am ok with it. mlhb

The STBX-ILs have been nothing but supportive to me. They've cut all ties with their daughter, and have helped me out by watching my son during the week so I can work. I visit them every Friday to pick up my son and every Sunday to take him back up there. They want what's best for their grandson, and they know that their daughter is NOT what's best.

I'd say I got lucky, ultimately. It's going to be strange when they're not my in-laws anymore, but I will never stop seeing them as family. Because, no matter what, they are family, tied to me forever through my DS. I will never take my son away from them, even if I take my son away from my WW completely.

Good luck to you.

Alphin,
I'm 1 1/2 years post-divorce and was separated 3 years prior to that. I want to share my experience which will give you another perspective. (Don't you love all the different perspectives here at MB?)

I totally understand your desire to distance yourself from your in-laws. I did the same thing (my kids were adults, so I didn't have the grandparent situation quite so much as you might). It hurt me that my exH's parents never really confronted him on his admitted affair, and then accepted his new live-in GF (now his wife) so easily into their lives. Blood is thicker than water, as they say. During the last 4 years my MIL called me every few months just to talk, and I'm glad she reached out to me. I reciprocated a few times. But it was difficult to talk too deeply because of "the thing" (i.e., her son/my husband) that was just THERE. My hurt was at the surface, and too much talk just brought the tears from both of us sometimes.

Over the past few years, both they and I have undergone some challenges. The big ones are that we've both had cancer, and my FIL died. Now that my exH has remarried, and my FIL is no longer there, my MIL and I have a very comfortable relationship. She asked me out to breakfast last week, and told me "You and exH should have never gotten divorced. I'm sorry we never spoke up against his behavior." You could have floored me. But because I was open all along to talking to her on the phone (even small talk), exchanging Christmas cards, etc. it really facilitated our relationship to where it is now.

So just as "Blood is thicker than water", it's also true that "Time heals most wounds". Yes, they've accepted their new daughter-in-law. To not do so would have been very ungracious. But they never stopped accepting me, either.

Don't close the door to your in-laws. They need to know you are still accepting of them. Separate them as people from their behavior as parents of your exH. In the future it really might help you move on, too. And they'll always be your children's grandparents.

I am many years down the road from my separation. x has been gone 11 years this month. Divorced more than 7 years. My in-laws, out-laws, former-in-laws, whatever, live about 7 miles from me. They have kept the children on occaision when I asked. They have asked to keep the children. They have always been kind to me.

Granted, they never challenged their son on his behavior. But, I know and have known for years that they are just a portion of a sort of whacky family.

Also, the woman with whom my x was having one of his emotional affairs never became known to them.

So, many of your issues are not things I have faced.

However, I have tried to be as kind and respectful to them as possible. Tried to see them on occaision. I call them for no reason other than to check on them.

Be good to them. It will come back to visit you. As much as possible, do your best to maintain a good relationship w/ them. It's the 'right thing'.

Right now, it would probably be healthier for me to be around x and his family than for me to be around my own.

Alphin,

I'm sorta in the same boat.My IL's still come to visit me and my children and I go to see them and the rest of the family but I often wonder if they will ever accept the OW.Right now we don't talk about things anymore except superficial stuff.After so many years of talking nothing but the A and related issues,it was time to stop I guess although I still grieve a lot of what was lost.Besides,even though the OW would like to have me erased,she cannot wipe away 20 years of us as a family.I am still close with my BIL/SIL's and kids,etc.I don't think that will ever change.Hope not.

I'm sorry it is painful to you to see your IL's.If it is then do limit your time with them.For me,I am ok and I feel a need to with them even though it's sporadic now.I do consider them still my family.

My ex wears and wore( before our D) an ugly ring too from the OW and I wonder if the family saw it yet.He also had another one in the early stages that everyone was just digusted about.Don't know what happened to that one.

Even though your stbx did some awful things to your family and you,that doesn't necessarily mean that he broke the bonds to your IL's.I'm sure they still care very much about you and even though the dynamics have changed,you could still be a part of their lives.In fact,my children and I are going on a very nice vacation with my IL's this summer (sans ex!) and we are all expecting to have a great time.I know I will.



I can understand this and the love that went with it but that's why I will never allow myself to be that consumed with a man again.I don't think I could tolerate another bout of pain like I did with my ex and his A.I almost didn't make it out alive.

Alphin,

I wish I could say the same about my ex inlaws. They were like my own family for 26 years. We spent almost every holiday, vacation, family occasion with them--instead of my family. My ex had four brothers and they as well as their children were extremely close to my kids.

When my ex's latest affair (now marriage) began, my mil welcomed the OW into their home three months after he moved out. She invited them there for Christmas. That next spring, she came out for my daughter's graduation and in front of me and the kids--kissed the OW at a soccer game we were all at. So much for friendship and family.

The next year, my brother-in-law got married. He invited me and the kids to the wedding. She wrote and told me and the kids that I shouldn't go because Jim and Leslie would be there and it wouldn't be right for me to be there.... She still wanted the kids to attend tho. (I did go with the kids by the way...and it was strained.) Her betrayal of me and the kids was almost as bad as my ex's betrayal. When we needed money because my ex was not paying child support....she attacked me for standing up for my kids. This was a woman I loved and supported as my own mother.

When my mother passed away, and in the difficult months before that, I didn't hear from any of them. It really hurt...it still does.

Now they attack me because we have moved on as a family and my kids don't contact them anymore...because I don't make it my job to encourage them anymore. They still send cards and letters to the kids to my ex's house....but it is as if I never existed. The last draw was when she left a message here to try to encourage my kids to visit their father over Christmas and she said on the recording "we will have so much fun. Jim (my ex) and Leslie will be here and so will all of the cousins...not a word about me at all. That was the end for me.

Amazes me how they feel they can do this and still expect me to encourage the kids to have a relationship with them...any of them. Pretty sad...but I guess that is how divorce goes. As far as I am concerned now...they can do whatever, be whatever...but stay the ****** out of my life. Not bitter...just the results of years of hurt and betrayal...I don't want to deal with it anymore. If my kids want a relationship...they will have to develop it between them. They don't call here anymore...haven't since he moved in with the OW. They send presents, cards, etc....to their apartment. Their explanation for this is they can't ever reach us at home....amazing, everyone else does. Doesn't explain why they can't send card, etc. here tho.

This is the same family that came here for my ex's retirement party and base farewell...I couldn't have been any better of a wife to their son or for their grandkids then. She even had it in an album. Well, the album is now in the garbage...just words...and nothing else.

As you can tell the hurt and betrayal is pretty deep. Oh well....we have moved on without them...and they don't like that either. Pat

I want to thank everyone for responding to my question, and apologise for not getting back to you all sooner! I have been off the boards for a while, dealing with a lot of legal and divorce-related [email]cr@p.[/email]

As it happens, my divorce has now been finalised, and my in-laws are now ex in-laws.

XH and OW are taking the girls down to visit the ex-ILs in a couple of weeks for their grandad's 60th birthday. Needless to say, I was not invited, and I know I never will be again to any of these family celebrations. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will still be sending him a birthday card, though.

Thank you, once again, for all of your helpful and compassionate responses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Im divorced and remarried.......I can tell you from personal experience. Once you divorce, basically communication with inlaws happens when you are at something that involves the children.....birthdays, sporting events they are in, plays, recitals and things like that. I knew my Ex-inlaws for 16-17yrs and after my EX and I divorced, you could have sworn it was like I never knew them. Even though they KNEW their daughter ruined our marriage, they still sided with their own blood. Thats just the way it will always be. No matter what, a parent sides with their child and they want their child to be happy, even if what their child is doing is completely wrong. Also, since Im remarried, I dont think my wife would enjoy me communicating with my EX-inlaws all the time. When its over, I guess its over.

Alphin, I think that we can only take the high road but that road doesn't have to stop at every location. Sending a birthday card to your XFIL is a good and respectful thing to do.

My inlaws say that they miss the kids but have not made much of an effort to stay in touch. They haven't seen DD since Christmas. In the past, MIL would always send cards for the minor-ist of holidays. This year, there was nothing for Valentines or Easter. We sent them cards. However, FCH says that they say they miss seeing their grandkids. It's not my job to orchestra that.

Do it your way. Be kind. Be cordial. You have history with these people. It's okay to mourn the past. You will be seeing them at all the major occasions involving your kids. And yes, YOU will be the mother of the bride...