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It will be a month tomorrow that i signed legal separation papers. The pain doesn't go away. I miss and love my wife more than ever. We have had numerous problems over the past 2 years. but talking to others the problems are normal.
She moved out to her mothers house over a week ago (only down the block) My tow older girls 17/16 have not slept there yet but my son 8 has. When he sleeps here she has to come here in the mornings because i go to work.
she can not talk with me. She avoids me. she runs runs and runs. Will she ever open up to me again. How do i get her to look at me and talk.......?
All advice is greatly apprieciated???
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Do you still hang out with your sister-in-law too much?
Pep
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How is your "friendship" with your SIL? Do you still have the same feelings for your wife you had before: "I love you but am not in love with you?"
And didn't you then tell her that " I did not know if we can continue this marriage.."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My relationship with my sil is non existant. I have seen her from time to time @ dropping my son off at religion. but that has been over for a while. I am committed to my children, job, house(which is being sold), and the family unit.
My feeling have changed a ton. We went to retrovauille in Jan and went to only one followup session. I have gotten a new founded love for her. i love her more than I did when we got married. I am definetly in love with her. She doesn't care to here it at all.
Yes i said these things because I was in a fog, with my life in general, I finally found happiness in a job Feb 14, 2006. That was the reason things fell appart. When i lost my job in Nov 2003.
I have taken responsibility for all my wrong doings. I have been looking at my self and think of the things that have been said or done. I was so wrong. I never had a PA, maybe a EA. but never realized how damaging it was until being on the outside.
Yes I am legally separated for her sake, but to me she i still my wife and i care for her and love her. She gives no feeling execpt run run run attitude. I told her last night that i missed her, when she dropped the children off. She walked away and got inher car and sped off.
Why or how can she be so cold?
The feeling we had at the marriege weekend we amazing strong and true.
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I told her last night that i missed her, when she dropped the children off. She walked away and got inher car and sped off. well then OBVIOUSLY this is the wrong tactic with your wife she may require actions not words because if you were neglectful of her needs during your EA (and it was an EA, no doubt) then she has reason to distrust your words.... does she need something repaired or fixed ? like her car could use a good washing... or something needs painting??? have you ever bought her a book? does she like music? have you even sent her concert/movie/play tickets with no strings attached? Pep
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You gave me a nice smile,
I have done most of those things....
When her car was home, I made sure it had gas and was washed, out house is immacculate.... I am always doing the things i did for the first 11 years. I love it and it feels great. These are the things that make me happy, making her happy. but she is checked out.
I thought of bying her a laptop and printer which she has always wanted. ....
I have made her music cds..... etc...
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I don't know what you had with the SIL, but I do know it was not a "friendship," and to call it such would be an insult to my intelligence if I were your wife. It is an insult to MY intelligence HERE. Every day that you didn't tell her the truth about the affair was a LIE added to the heap of injury. It was an affair from everything I can see here.
Yet, you wouldn't end it or admit that truth to your wife.
You say you are "taking responsibility" for your wrong doings, but I don't see you being honest about your affair. That is the first step.
And you then have the gall to ask "why she could be so cold?" I will tell you why. You killed any love she could feel for you with your continued lies and continued contact with the OW.
If I were your wife and you continued to insult my intelligence with half truths and lies, after months of this neglect and abuse, I would tell you to hang it where the sun don't shine. I would write you off so fast, your head would spin.
Why not start at STEP ONE and try a little honesty? She shouldn't give you the time of day until that happens.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been doing a little reading this morning, neverenuff [btw, that screen name tells me alot about your attitude] I would then put my son on the bus and hang out with my sister-in-law a few times a week until my wife came home. I was the god father of their child and our children are close in age as well as they live 5 houses away. Our friendship grew we became good friends. I was also good very good friends with her husband, (my wife’s brother). THERE WAS NEVER AN AFFAIR BETWEEN US. We had a close friendship. We went to Florida, my wife had the worst time. She said I never paid any attention to her and was always hanging out with my sister-in-law. Well I was we would have drinks and hang @ the bar and play cards. Well I really didn’t care to see what was happening. Then again @ our summer beach house the same thing happened. I still thought nothing of it. On December 31, 2004 my wife called me and said, I feel like you having an affair. We had our 9th wedding anniversary that day and we moved on to continue the daily grind, Again another mistake in not letting my wife feel secure. In March of 2005, I told my wife that I love her but am not in love with her. I did not know if we can continue this marriage. Then again the outside distractions took over. My friendship with my sister-in-law was a problem and I was trying to end that, "Trying" to end that? Oh, that is really cute. Good grief...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The next days were tough, went thru a ton of problems issues but we kept it together. The following week my sister-in-law cam to the house and confronted my wife with all the accusations that she heard. There was a huge blow out between them two and then my wife and me. I held my ground. She wanted a trial separation and I never wanted to leave. Nice. The OW comes into your wife's safe haven, HER HOME, and has a fight with her after carrying on an affair in her home for months with her husband. And you "held your ground" in your fight with your wife. You sided with the enemy against your wife. And you wonder why your wife wants out so badly that she would leave her home and her children? And why she is COLD? Are you kidding me?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are so wrong about my relationship with my sil, we were good friends, i would never ever do anything physical because it is wrong, but the relationship as a whole was wrong too. I should have turned to a male friend instead, then the perception would be different. It is all perception.
I have discussed it with my wife and she agreed that nothing physical ever happened. And it didn't..
She wants out because she needs to breathe. Yeah I did wrong to her.
I can only tell you and others the truth.... Just as she knows too.
So whether you believe me or not is the question, I need advise and so far i have done what you said......
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It is not the PHYSICAL ASPECT that defines an affair. Has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
And no, I am not wrong about your "relationship" with your SIL and you know it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have admitted it that it was wrong and should not have been to that level. An EA yes, pa no......
I have taken the responsibilty.....
What do you mean you are not wrong?
Is this advice or a fight?
I am trying to move forward but can not do it alone....
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neverenuff, what you want here are some magic words that will help you clean up the wreckage you caused in a way that helps you avoid the consequences of your actions. But that will not happen.
You have the only possible answer in your hands, and that is the TRUTH. You continue to minimize and rationalize your affair to us, and I have no doubt you do the same with your wife.
As long as you do that, she is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to run for her life. As long as you have secrets with the OW to which she is not privy, she is RIGHT to not trust you.
If you are telling her the same things you are telling US here, then I can fully understand why she doesn't believe a word you say. As a former professional [censored] artist myself, I can see right through your rationalizations and I am sure she can too. She will never be safe with you until you COME CLEAN about this affair.
My advice is to tell you to COME CLEAN. And until you do that, I hope your wife gets as far away from you as she can.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have admitted it that it was wrong and should not have been to that level. An EA yes, pa no.....
I have taken the responsibilty..... Pretending like this is a "friendship" is not taking "responsibility." It is DENIAL. I am trying to move forward but can not do it alone.... That is exactly what your wife is doing too. As she should.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are so wrong about my relationship with my sil, we were good friends, i would never ever do anything physical because it is wrong, but the relationship as a whole was wrong too. I should have turned to a male friend instead, then the perception would be different. It is all perception. So it is all in her head, right? An affair is not a matter of "perception," it is a matter of FACT. It either is or it ISN'T. I can perceive that my dog is having an affair with the Prime Minister of Uganda, but that doesn't make it so. Imagine that we are talking about a MALE FRIENDSHIP HERE. See if you can fit these statements to a "friendship" with a male knowing that the "friendship" destroyed the marriage to the point the wife has left her H, children and home: I would then put my son on the bus and hang out with Joe a few times a week until my wife came home. I was the god father of their child and our children are close in age as well as they live 5 houses away. Our friendship grew we became good friends. I was also good very good friends with Joe's wife. THERE WAS NEVER AN AFFAIR BETWEEN US. We had a close friendship. We went to Florida, my wife had the worst time. She said I never paid any attention to her and was always hanging out with Joe. Well I was we would have drinks and hang @ the bar and play cards. Well I really didn’t care to see what was happening. Then again @ our summer beach house the same thing happened. I still thought nothing of it. On December 31, 2004 my wife called me and said, I feel like you having an affair. We had our 9th wedding anniversary that day and we moved on to continue the daily grind, Again another mistake in not letting my wife feel secure. In March of 2005, I told my wife that I love her but am not in love with her. I did not know if we can continue this marriage. Then again the outside distractions took over. My friendship with Joe was a problem and I was trying to end that,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow you make a ton of valid point, and no i am not a BS artist. I have admitted to it. what am I doing wrong?
I would like to know if I have admitted it, how do you say I am not.....
I look forward to hering your answer....
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This is NOT "admitting to it:" You are so wrong about my relationship with my sil, we were good friends, i would never ever do anything physical because it is wrong, but the relationship as a whole was wrong too. I should have turned to a male friend instead, then the perception would be different. It is all perception. This is a RATIONALIZATION. And your attempt to minimize the affair by saying it wasn't physical reflects a dangerous mindset that tells me - and probably her - that you see nothing wrong with having an affair as long as you don't get caught in anything physical. You then say you would "never do anything" wrong, but admit that your "friendship" was "wrong." If you can do that wrong thing, why not others? That is not consistent or believable. You have already demonstrated that you will completely disregard your W's feelings and security to the point of marital DESTRUCTION over a so-called meaningless "friendship." That should tell her two things: a) you have absolutely no respect for her feelings b) your so-called "friendship" was much more than you are alluding to I suspect it is a bit of both and ALOT of the latter. I would like to know if I have admitted it, how do you say I am not..... Admitted WHAT? I have seen you admit nothing except to DENY the true nature of your affair by minimizing and rationalizing it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are so wrong about my relationship with my sil, we were good friends, i would never ever do anything physical because it is wrong, but the relationship as a whole was wrong too. I should have turned to a male friend instead, then the perception would be different. It is all perception. So it is all a "perception, huh? Bullcrap... An affair is not a matter of "perception," it is a matter of FACT. It either is or it ISN'T. I can perceive that my dog is having an affair with the Prime Minister of Uganda, but that doesn't make it so. Perception does not equate reality.To tell your wife such nonsense about "perceptions" is an insult.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Takes a lot of self-deceit to have an A, NE...
Mel and the others are showing you where you do this to yourself.
"I should have turned to a male friend instead, then the perception would be different. It is all perception."
This isn't ownership...the other words are. What you BELIEVE is what they are going to...the perspective you are choosing.
Remorse is knowing what you did and acting to amends...not seeing SIL for any reason is owning the destruction you caused in your marriage.
Being able to say...this is what really happened, this is why I did what I did, felt what I felt, and I chose to go outside my marriage; that is the first step in healing yourself...
I believe in personal redemption...it was my road. May not be yours. I did a resentment timeline of my marriage, found my LB's and changed my permissions and beliefs about them, got to my part, which was half the marriage...and did amends...recovered my marriage.
I believe anyone can do this...because everyone is equal...all capable...getting through my own self-deceit was the most important part.
LA
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Post removed as on the wrong thread - apologies, Neverenuff.
TA
Last edited by TogetherAlone; 07/02/06 02:35 PM.
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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