I know this topic resurfaces from time to time....but I think typically it's newly divorced people wanting to know if it's possible.

I guess I've been presented with the 'real' opportunity. ExH came over last Sun and said he wanted to try again....that he really thinks it would work - we're both different people and have learned a lot. (to give a brief history, it was my exH who did not want to 'work' on the M back then)

My answer to him was 'no', for many reasons - amongst them, I'm not ready for a relationship, and possibly the most important, my love for him changed when I met his new girlfriend last year and gave him support, encouragement, and some advice through their 7 month relationship. I gave up all hope when I met her a week after our divorce.

Here's my problem. I love him. I always have. Granted, it's in a friendship way now....but it's still there. I know he has changed - in many good ways. But there are still some little things (like assuming I'm 'doing' someone if he calls and I'm watching a movie with a guy friend) that resurface and remind me of the past.

What I'm afraid of:
~ falling back into the same patterns
~ not finding a sexual/romantic love for him again
~ his feelings of hurt, resentment, and anger about the A coming back
~ my feelings of resentment for his unwillingness to work on the M until he had his own A and another girlfriend
~ his expectations that I would be the 'same' person in a R that I used to be (because I'm not the same person)
~ the sex - we didn't have much before. It's high on my EN list. If we do more (and different things) now, will those trigger all of the A feelings again?

At the same time, I find myself wondering if it really could work. Maybe the sexual desire would come back? Maybe we could avoid falling into the same patterns as before? After all, I did make a committment to him for life.....

At this point, he says he can't be friends anymore. Which I understand. But I feel horrible...and I can't tell how much of it is the loss of the friendship, the wondering if I'm making a bad decision, or knowing that this time, it was MY choice not to work on it.

We've been separated for almost 2 years....and D'ed for a little over a year. That's an awfully long time....

Does anyone know if it actually works out for couples who really DO get back together?

Thanks so much for any help.

LIT, With all due respect to the combined wisdom of this group, I think you need to seek the answers to these questions with a good conselor.

You're still healing from the affairs and the divorce. You are both wounded. This is not the time to make another commitment.

I know the feelings, before my ex got married, I hoped she would repent, and come back. Being with her again, if she could be the woman I married - not the one she became-, would solve many problems.

If you did decide to see if it would work with him, I think I would recommend that you date him, AND OTHERS, for at least two years.

not to make light of this subject for those who actually do want to work things out with exes after divorce... but for me.... SHOOT ME NOW IF THAT THOUGHT EVEN ENTERED MY MIND!!!!I don't knoq what the stats are on success rates of getting back together but ****** would have to freeze over about a zillion times before i would ever even entertain that thought. (and you know what... my ex, i am sure, feels the same way about me!)

vent over! mlhb

I don't know the stats either but here's what went through my mind before the D was final. ex would have to be a different person for me to fall back in love with him. All the pain, the lying, the false recovery, a girlfriend he refused to admit to (still doesn't). He moved in with her a couple of weeks after the D was final. These are not things to gloss over just because way back when I thought we could be successfully married.

Think back to ALL that happened, was said, during the D & leading up to it. Granted, D brings out the worst in people but I could not see myself with the man ex was during the D or leading up to it.

It's tempting to say he's not the man I married, but he is & that's part of the problem.

I agree with JE, if you choose to go down that road date him AS WELL AS others. Give it a good long time to be sure you see the real person not the one you want him to be.

JE,

I completely understand when you say that this is something that should be discussed with a counselor - and actually it is being discussed. I brought it to my counseling group's attention last week, and plan to write my individual counselor (who knows exH and the entire situation) tomorrow. I guess I was just wondering who (if any) has actually seen things work out. (Not to mention that there is no counseling this week b/c of the holiday, and this has just been gnawing at me).

I am certain that I'm not ready for a serious committed relationship. Gosh, I've just now gotten to a point where I might be able to date....might be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

So I'm clear that I cannot do it now.

But it was proposed to me in such a way that he needs to know if there will ever be a chance, because if there is, he will wait for me. If not, he needs to let go of that hope. And he needed an answer.

Part of my problem is....I can't predict the future, and I really don't know if it would be right...or if it would work out.

So how could I even give a sure answer?



Nams,

Thank you also. You said something about thinking back to the D and remembering everything that happened. Our D was actually fairly amicable. But thinking back to before that...well, that kind of behavior is exactly what I'm afraid of.

There was a lot of controlling behavior, and a significant amount of distrust (even before the A) that stemmed from insecurity. In addition, he oscillates between saying that his EA was actually an A....and minimizing what it actually was. The fact that in Feb, he was going out 'as friends' with her again, frightened me.

Of course, I don't think he sees her now. But I'm not certain why, and I think that really makes a difference. But I wonder how many of those 'actions' will resurface even though he says they won't. After all, we can't control our feelings....

I guess it's his 'willingness' to try which is eating at me. He was never 'willing' before. Now he is. Back when I confessed my A, and wanted to work on things, he did not want to. But part of the MB philosophy is that two people can make it through an A IF they are both willing to work at it.

So then that gets me to wondering....if we were both 'willing', would it work out? Or is there so much damage already done, that picking up where we left off regarding recovery from the A, just compound the difficulty of working through the things that happened before and after the D?

I know anything is possible...and I know that sometimes the odds are just too stacked against it. We tell WS's that there is only a 2% chance that a relationship will work with OP. We do it, hoping that they will take that (and other things) on faith, and come back to the M.

If many have done it before, then should I try on good faith?

ps - I know that noone can make the decision for me. I guess I'm just needing to wade through all the scenarios and various thoughts going through my mind.

Thanks again....

Well, now he SAYS he's willing. You could always tell him, yes, there's a chance, and you'd consider it if time and actions prove it will work for both of you.

(Just a note, since I'm still fascinated that this is possible - we divorced last year and have since reconciled. We had the divorce annulled, same option might be available to you if you decide the relationship is what you want.)

I've been thinking about this & for me it boils down to this: I don't love ex any more. I don't like who he was during much of the marriage (though I overlokked or hoped for change) or who he is now. If he & I were introduced or I saw him on a dating site I don't believe I'd have any interest in him. Some of that would come from any truthful back ground details he would give me & some would come from how I see him now.

I don't think I could use any good stuff we had in our marriage to make the choice to see him now. I'd have to go by what he's doing now & how he behaved when it was time to buck up & really try to save the marriage. Neither one of which are appealing to me.

When you say your ex wants to know now if you'll consider a relationship in the future he's not willing to start from scratch with you. If he were another man you'd have a process of getting to know him for who he is. It seems like your ex wants you believe he's changed without allowing you the process of finding that out for yourself by his behaviors over time.

Maybe he's lonely, finds it hard to start new, misses sharing his life with someone who knew him. Those are some of the reasons D is difficult.

LIT,

I am in the same situation w/ my ex. We have been divorced over a year but we have never stopped seeing each other. The longest time we have spent w/o contact was for 6 weeks earlier this year. We started taking again & seeing each other again in April. He has made some changes & we have forgiven each other for past mistakes we both made. He asked me to be in a commmitted relationship with him, working toward getting married again possibly next year. I told him I was not ready for that & I don't believe he is either. So we are friends, and have a platonic relationship. A friend of mine suggested we go see a counselor if we decide to reconcile & plan to remarry. I am not sure how he would feel about that, he has never been big on couseling. Then there is the OC issue which I would have to deal w/ and I don't know if I want to. I have not dated anyone since my D. I am not really looking for anyone but would like to enjoy a man's company on a date & possibly have a male friend. I still love my ex & sometimes can see us back together as H & W but then again I think of the past & all that happened to destroy our M at that point I think I must be insane. I know personally of two couples who D & then re-married, both couples have great M's today, guess it depends on the people involved & how great the love between them is, & more importantly if it is God's will.



The more I read that I think maybe it applies to me, possibly ex H too. Just wanting to stick with the familiar

Laura - how do you have a D annulled? Just wondering, I have never heard of that before.

Well, this is what I wrote to my counselor, and how he responded.



I've asked for some clarification about the 'attuning' to the other's best wishes part. Not sure exactly what he means. Any insight on what he might mean?

Lucks...Were you both completely healed when you reconciled? Had you both dated other people? Did you know that your exH had changed?

That's wonderful that you guys found each other again.


Nams, this is what I am worried about. H had an EA when we were engaged. Even though I didn't know what it was then, I kept asking for him to focus on us, and work on us. He finished out his EA with her, then came back to our R. The last EA (after I confessed my A), he did not give up either - until she stopped seeing him the Nov after we separated.

At that point, we talked about the M and the A's, and we spoke about possibly getting back together. All the way until the D. And then, a week after that, I met his new GF of a month. He didn't want to be back together anymore.

I have a hard time trusting that this time, his desire to be with me is real - not just because he is lonely or has noone else who is better.


B61, I'm sorry we are both in the same boat. It's really hard. I hope that whatever decision you guys come to, that it results in happiness for you both.

are you sure about that?

if you are sure and this is true, then his beliefs about marriage are all screwed up backwards. . .

The easy choice is most likely the wort choice, and the hardest choice is most likely the best choice. . .

My X is no longer the same person that i married, or is it that I now see the real person that she is. . . hmmmmm

I think the latter, and I know that her actions and words don't concur, and the she is full of manure. .

wiftty

L.I.T. - Things are much better. I'm a pretty sunny person and wanted the marriage to work although I'm the one who filed. He didn't want a divorce but was refusing to work with me on anything. He did a lot of thinking during our time apart. And yes, we both did date (it's a jungle out there). He seemed genuinely intent upon fixing his part of our problems. So far so good! I've developed more patience on my part.

Oh, about the annulment, ask an attorney in your area. It's not a well-known action, even here, but as easy as an agreed order that the judge signs, poof, as if we were never divorced.

Hi. I'm visiting from GQII. NIce to meet ya.

Does that mean you can file an amended tax return for last year as "married, filing jointly"? (If so, I could recover about $3000).

Practical guy, I am.

-AD

YES, as a matter of fact. And thank you for pointing that out, I hadn't even thought about it. Checked with my boss, don't "have" to but if it's beneficial, yes indeedy.

Cool! Thanks Lucks! I'll look into that. W is talking about getting back together. I'm listening.

-AD