Hi all,

After three months of h+++, and after mush melodrama in the wake of his affair, my husband has moved back home. It's what I wished, hoped, prayed for. And I'm happy he is home.
But it's not all rosy, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm certain the affair is over, but he is still semi-cold with me. He doesn't show me the affection he used to, and when he does, it seems kind of forced. I don't consider myself in plan a, or plan b. I guess we would be in recovery. But is it typical for WS's to behave this way? He told me he loves me, we have a bond, he can't imagine life without me in our future. But he doesn't really act it. So my question is, do I leave him alone? Do I relationship talk? Do I just wait for this to pass?

What do I do?

Good to hear the news! He is probably still in withdrawal, but it sure sounds hopeful to me.

See if the two of you can start building some new memories. Also spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

How long has there been no contact? It sounds like withdrawal to me.

Snowbelle says this about withdrawal:-


Sound familiar?

you got to be happy that he relized in three months not to throw away what you guys built nothing will be the same im sure but like i said in the first sentence coming back was the part we all wait for now the hard part begins but at least you got to that point congrats and stay strong and commitited it will work itself out with hard work just try to be calm for awhile till you signs where you can have a breakthrough

Okay ... so do I just play it sweet, kind of like plan a. Do I just wait it out and not push him?

how long has there been NC?

Have you read the infidelity FAQ's here?

is he showing any signs at all <happy ,sad, confused> you could build off his emotions but dont lose your cool

No direct contact, no phone calls for three months. However, there were some messages being given back and forth via his mother, who has been feeding him a bunch of crap over the past couple months, telling him that he shouldn't come home to me and the kids, that I would never forgive, that he wouldn't be happy, and that he needs to find his happiness. (I never did like my mother-in-law, and obviously she never like me). Anyway, they were sort of indirect messages. The OW's message was that she still had "feelings" for my husband, but that she was still too hurt and angry to talk to him (because he broke it off with her to try and work it out with me). Yeah, nice, the poor OW is the victim. How sick is that? Anyway, that message was a least a month ago. I don't think my H responded.

well then just let him get out of his rut and roll with it.as far as your mother in law dont let it bother you just let your actions speak for themselves

Right off your MIL. Does your H have siblings? How are they treating you and the recovery?

L.

OK Rltraveled. Please read the Harley Basic concepts here. I presume he is committed to NC? and is he committed to your M and rebuilding? Have you considered Counselling with teh Harleys? Purchased "Surviving an Affair? and "His Needs, Her Needs"? They are excellent starting points.

With good will on both sides, NC and those resorces you will make it.

Orchid, H has one brother who is 17 years our junior. He's 27 years old and lives with his parents. In a way, I feel that MIL has emotionally abused both my H and BIL. She's a sick woman who hates hates hates her own H, and has always relied on her boys for happiness. But she's never happy, anyway. She's one of the negative people who sees nothing good in the world, and that everyone/everything is out to get her. She totally enmeshed herself with my H while he was growing, and now does it to BIL. I feel sorry for BIL, but at the same time, he needs to get out from her clutches. Anyway, to the point, I think this is partly why my own H is so afraid of intimacy with me, why he's so distant. Imagine having a mother like that. As far as my relationship with her, I've literally tried everything. But after this last stunt, I AM writing her off!!

Bigkahuna: I don't have Surviving an Affair, but I have read the heck out of this website. I will pick up His Needs Her Needs as I've seen it readily available at the book stores. Is it about infidelity? We are both in IC right now. We've decided that we need to work on ourselves before coming together in counseling. Evidently, I have codependency issues. Imagine that! Do I have H read with me? Through all of our ups and downs, I've gotten so many books, I think he's sick of me waving them in his face. I did print out the Emotional Questionnaire from here and he is filling it out today.

We had a long talk the other Day. I told H that he abandon us--me and the kids. But he insists, no, he did not because of the fact that he "told" us he was leaving. I said, at the very least, you emotionally abandon us.

The reason this is an issue is because after three months, my 17 year old son will still have nothing to do with him. H moved back in last week, but my son stays away, lives in his bedroom basement, won't even acknowlege his dad when he's in the room. H is increasingly frustated over this, can't understand why. This is when I tell him, it's because you abandoned us. I've been to two different counselors and they both say this is what he did. But H won't own it. He just gets mad at me because of things I've told our son about what happened, what he did. H says it was between us, had nothing to do with the kids. But I disagree. It had everything to do with them. That's why oldest son is still just so angry. He's angry about all the lies to everyone.

How do I get H to own what he did?

You can't.

He doesn't HAVE TO OWN IT. No one can make him..

However...he's going to get to learn that the HAVE TO road runs both ways.

He doesn't have to own it..and son doesn't have to accept him back.

This is one of those things I'd just let play out all by itself.

No one is less mercifull than an angry teenager..anything you can say..he can say better.

I know I keep asking. I just don't know what to do, though.
DDay was 3 months ago. H. moved out, moved back in 12 days ago. But he's so icky and distant, I can't stand it. He's home. The A is over. So I'm not in any plan, right? Or should I act like I'm in plan a. I want to talk to him so badly, but it only upsets him. It upsets HIM, and I'm the one who was cheated on. He just avoids any kind of intimate talk. He avoids any kind of affection, but not sex.

Please, how do I handle him? Yes, we're in IC. It seems to be helping. But we're not in MC right now. Should we be?

I am no expert at recovery! But it is getting late, on a Friday, and I could sense the desperation in your “voice”

In my opinion – you need to start MC as soon as you can. You are also doing IC, which is great. But your H refuses to talk, and you desperately need to open a conversation with him. At the rate you are going, it sounds like you may explode out of frustration, which would not help either of you.

Perhaps your IC could suggest a MC? I would simply tell your H “I am really struggling. I want to work on a new, better M that meets both of our needs. I have contacted a counselor, and he has the following appointments open __, or __, or ___. Please let me know which will work for you. If he refuses to choose a time, perhaps you could ask him if he has any suggestions for who the two of you will form a plan for recovery which is mutually beneficial for both of you.

I know you are scared t o say or do anything that may “drive him away again” and I certainly understand the whole “withdrawal” concept. But I get the impression that your gut instinct is telling you that this may be a false recovery.

I am certain that it is too soon for him to start meeting your emotional needs. BUT there is nothing wrong with telling him that you need to have a plan for recovery. For your own piece of mind, you would like to sit with him and talk about what that plan would be. It could involve MC, or perhaps you could schedule 1 hour each night to sit and talk, or go away together for a week, or……..

It seems to me, that he has made enough decisions about your life – he decided to cheat, and tear your heart out, and leave a permanent scar on your heart. Those choices have been made, and completed. You do get to have some of your own choices about your own life.

womanoffaith, actually we are seeing two different IC's in the same office. Whenever they think it is appropriate, we will come together with one of them for MC. H doesn't have a problem with that.

I guess I do have a little voice inside me thinking that he might still be seeing her, but I don't think so. I think he is just holding on to those feelingsabout her, and that does break my heart.

I've tried to approach him about a recovery plan. We did the EQ, but I think he thought it was kind of silly, and just sort of rushed through it. When we both finished, he was reluctant to discuss it. He says when we talk, he just feels guilty. Sorry he feels that way, but I need to talk about it, and he basically won't let me.

You're right. I'm scared to do anything that will drive him away. On the other hand, this is no way to run a marriage. Is it okay right now that he DOESN'T meet my emotional needs? If so, how long do I sit around and wait for some magical thing to happen. Or am I just kidding myself, and this is the way it will pretty much be for forever?

Just questions I can't get out of my head.

it is ok, for now, that he doesn't meet your EN. Right now, he doesn't have that "romantic lvoe" feeling back for you - yet. It can happen again, but it jsut isn't there right now. Think of a co-worker, friend, of yours. You like them, you can have a decent conversation with them, but you don;t want to get involved in their EN's! (that may not be a good example, but I always try to look for examples!)

when you first met your H, that first time you met him, you were not thinking "gee, I wonder what his emotional needs are, and how I can meet them" you were thinking something like "seems like a nice guy, I think I would like to get to know him a little better" in time, after you spent time hanging out togehter, doing thing stogehter, eventaully you developed that "loving feeling" for him, and that gave you the desire to do things for him. Didn't happen overnight.

this weekend, perhaps you could put aside the A, the emotional needs, the R talk - all that crap that drags you down, and just "be". Instead of thinking of yourself as your H's betrayed wife - be a woman, a lover, a sister, a daughter. Just be you. Look for fun things to do. Don;t worry about what your H's reaction will be, jsut start planning something fun. Take him off guard. After weeks, or months, of a dark cloud hanging over both your heads, jsut abandon the cloud, for just this weekend, and "be".

You DO deserve to have your needs met. you DO deserve his attention, affection, etc, but for this weekend, just be the Hero your relationship needs. Just be the woman you were before when you first met him.

Will he spend some time doing fun things with you? I would try that as a cooling off/building new memories period. I think I would tell him that you will need to discuss all of this, but right now need some fun.

okay, guys ... I will try and do this. But it really is so hard.