I've been wondering about something.

Some WS get busted, stop immediately and recovery can start. Others WS take their sweet time and do their best to make the BS crazy. Are the chances for recovery better for those that go NC immediately after d-day or those that take the long way around to NC.

In my experience, having taken the long way around to let the affair burn out and then having time before recommitting to the marriage, I made a very informed decision that would stick for the long term.

I guess my question in a nut shell is: If you are in recovery, how long between D-Day and true NC??

For us, 10 months..but the affair had lasted about 2 years prior to D-Day..I'm thinking that it was dying out when it was discovered.

Thanks Mimi for the reply. I am hoping to get some more responses. I am curious if the long period between D-day and NC is often a positive or a negative.

D-day was April 26th or so and "No Contact" was established by OM ending it around June 10th or so. In July there was some contact which was characterized as "closure" contact. OM actually made email contact again in February, 2006 to address some exposure to his ex-wife issues which Mrs. W and I responded to and finally really sent a "never contact us again" email response.

As you can see the dates are kinda irrelevant to me and the time really btwn D-day and NC I do not perceive as relevant to the recovery. I think Bigkuhuna disagrees with me and sees some relevance to your idea. That if the affair relationship does not have the opportunity to run it's course that the "lovebank" remains positive and forever positive. I propose that with a FWS actively engaging and participating in MB, as Mrs. W has, that the FWS in recovery can grasp and realise that a love bank can not be really be filled with bullcrap. The truly recovered FWS, like Mrs. W, can shovel that crap out and set it aside forever...but with the full understanding that "No Contact" is the only true method to insure the protection of the marriage despite the "feeling" that all "feelings"/"loyalty" for OP have been discarded.

If the FWS does the work, I surmise, your theory of a difference in time between NC and D-day matters NOT a bit.

Another way to look at this. I think and believe Mrs. W would be at the exact same healthy place she is today regardless if I Plan A'ed a week or a month and 1/2. I do think it mattered that she got a full demonstration of my love and commitment to her with a Plan A in place. If I had cast her out, thrown her bags out the window and filed divorce and she came crawling back, her feelings about how much I treasured, cherished and loved her may not have been as internalized. The affair WAS more about HER and my expression of love, empathy, understanding in the face of the devil, I surmise, contributely greatly to our recovery. However, if I had done Plan A properly and immediately exposed her WE could have cut the 1 1/2 month timeline down a few weeks at least. Still wouldn't make a difference today because it would have been a Plan A nonetheless. So maybe there is some merit in your theory though I don't necessarily think it's a function of time.

Mr. Wondering

Mr W. Funny you should say that with all the fuss from Stanley et al about NC etc.

It's funny. I read HNHN as most of us have and I kept wondering and thinking, OK so I understand 100% all the Love Bank stuff and how it all works.

I kept thinking - well fine, well and good. But what happens when a person in an affair, in love, leaves the affair STILL "in love" What happens then I wondered.

Well I didn't have to wonder long because the chapter dealing with affairs specifically at the end of HNHN lays it all out pretty well I think.

I was pretty much resigned to the view that FWW would always "Love" OM. Now after 10 months of so of NC, I wouldn't say she still "loves" him but she certainly cares about him and what happens to him. He did manage to withdraw significant love units from the bank when they split, and has really been a pain in the [censored] interfering with our children too so I guess that's all LB withdrawals.

FWW is almost physically sick if she even accidentally sees his car or sees him in the distance.

But I really do believe she will always be vulnerable to OM in a weak moment or when home life is ebbing more than flowing.

And that folks is the whole point of NC for life. If it were not so, NC for life would not be required. So I do surprisingly have some sympathy for Stanley's point of view on this.

FWW has certainly vehmently opposed me taking any action that would upset OM as she says that's just vengence or spite. So in that sense she still has (or had) loyalty at some level to OM.

FWW has been brilliant at NC. She calls me if she even sees his car. She saw him in the distance the other day and called me in an absolute panic. I have no worries she will ever take up with OM again. I think she likes the fantasy that OM is still panting after her.

I don't like this situation - I truely hate it but if you believe in Harley's love bank, it is an inevitable conclusion and underlines again the importance of NC.

Jean - My wife left me to shack up with OM. She was out of home for 2 weeks. She knew she had to come home after a couple of days. NC was firmly established I guess within 4 weeks of d-day.

I personally believe from D-Day to NC should be short for a marriage to sucessfully recover although that isn't borne out by the majority of cases we see here on MB. Maybe I should rather say that the recovery will be easier and shorter if NC immediately follows discovery.

Certainly, for myself, I can't imagine standing for the disrespect of a partner and Plan B for an extended period of time. Just my personal view.

Hi Jean,

Just over a year in our case. Add in several half-hearted broken attempts at NC and a false recovery, and you've got quite a mess!

I think that whether the amount of time between d-day and NC is positive or negative will be different for both BS and WS.

When an A runs its course after D-day, there is much less anxiety on the part of the BS that the WS will want to return to the now-dead fantasy. However, the resentment on the part of the BS is much higher, particularly when there's been a lot of back and forth nastiness and the BS bears the full brunt of the WS cake-eating.

In our first attempts at recovery, I was gung-ho and ready to forgive and admiring my (F)WH for giving up his affair. BUT I was also petrified that he would give in to the lure of the seemingly-carefree life with OW.

Now my heart feels very little dis-ease when it comes to OW - I'm as certain as I can be that H won't go back there. BUT my resentment is off the charts and my admiration for him has taken such a beating that it will take much longer for him to reach "forgiven" status in my eyes than it probably would have otherwise.

I also believe it's very possible for FWSs to make an immediate (or quick) leap into NC and wholeheartedly embrace recovery. Those that go from A to Plan A to recovery have the "advantage" of never fully experiencing that wasteland all too familiar to BSs - no one waiting, no one declaring love despite difficulties, no one willing to stick beside you.

I wonder if FWSs who turnaround immediately are able to empathize better - they are able to respond to the pain they see despite their own overwhelming urges to run away. FWSs who need to experience Plan B or who need to have the A run its course to its sordid end perhaps need more personal pain in order to make the necessary changes.

So, I'm not sure that the length of time necessarily indicates likelihood of success. I think the way that time is spent by both BS and WS is probably more important.

Blessings,

G