Okay... I am new to this board. I don't really know where else to turn for advice.

I am 31 years old, my husband is 34. We have been together 10 years, married for 8. I have a child from a previous marriage and he has 2 children, we have no kids together.

We have been pretty happy together over the years, and we have always been a good team. Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, my husband told me he is no longer in love with me. He told me he doesn't doubt that he loves me, but just doesn't have those feelings anymore.
To make matters harder, he's a very complex person, and doesn't require "affection", and never has. So when I mention or ask if there is anything lacking that I can provide, he just says no.
Then, he goes on to tell me he's not happy with himself, because I give up everything for him and he doesn't do anything for me. He says he feels bad because he doesn't look at me the same way I look at him.
We still "get along". I mean, there hasn't been any fights, we have just been mostly talking (and me crying). I am so torn up inside, I feel like I have been crushed and I don't know what to do. I feel my life is suddenly teetering on a little string, and I am afraid that with all of this stress and unknowing, it's going to break. He told me that he doesn't mean to hurt me, and he's not intending on leaving me right now. But I am so scared to lose him. He's my best friend, my companion, my lover.
Sorry, I am rambling. I have never been so scared.

Having been married for ten years, you know that there are "ups and downs". The information on MBs was such a support for me in my crisis (husband's A). The Emotional Needs Survey is an excellent starting point for both of you. I struggled because my husband is also my best friend, et al., and I didn't want to lose him. You have to have the communication and you have to have the goal to work on your marriage. Both of you do. A marriage is a relationship that takes lots of work and it is the relationship that is most easily neglected and taken for granted. Good luck to you. SS

Thanks for the reply. I know it takes hard work to keep a marriage together. I have even explained this to my husband. I told him that marriage just doesn't "happen" but it takes 2 dedicated people to work at it.

I have already read the different stages, and advice. But I still feel I need to express myself here. Because I don't want to drive my husband mad looking for answers that I know he doesn't yet have.
I guess I am feeling lost, and depressed because I don't know how we got to this point. I have always been very happy, and I love him deeply.
I just told my boss today, that I am going through marital issues. She's a real nice person, and I felt the need to tell her, I guess, incase I am emotional mess (which has been the norm lately). I am trying to keep it from the kids because I don't want them involved. However, I can't help but wonder if they feel the tension. I know kids have radars, because I remember when my parents were going thru a divorce when I was 16, I remember how hard it was.

The one thing that bothers me, is I tell him I love him, but I don't get a response back at all. But in another breath, he's telling me that he doesn't doubt his love for me. If he doesn't doubt that he loves me, then why can't he say it?

I know men analyze things, and I never knew a man so hard core as my husband. He is not one to show any emotions, so he's never had his heart on his sleeve. However, he used to hug and kiss me, and tell me he loved me all the time. That's been dead for a while, and I am starving for some type of sign that he does love me.

Maybe it's wishful thinking? I don't know. I don't know if I should be planning to live on my own by the end of the year, or if we will be picking out a Christmas tree.

I hate not knowing. I am a person who thinks in black and white, and he told me he thinks in gray. Is this bad for a relationship? I don't want to throw away 10 years of wonderful memories.

Okay, going back to work before I become a blubbering mess.

I completely understand your questions and your anxiety. I think that had I not found out of my husband's A (through snooping) that he would have just tried to go through the motions. He is not one to share his feelings either. I started a journal/notebook and would write my feelings and thoughts down so that, hopefully, he might understand. He always reads the notes, although he prefers to respond verbally, if at all. Through our situation he realized that he doesn't share his feelings, even though he has always said "I love you" and kissed me. He just never understood what he was feeling. It was probably more that he was reacting or responding to what I was showing.

Do you suspect that your husband is having an A? Just know that my husband denied his A for months until I found the proof that was undeniable. Can the two of you take some time to get away and rediscover one another?

Whatever the cause of your marital tension, know this....God is in control. He is there to provide support. I can't offer advice on anything, just know that I am here to listen and provide encouragement. I understand your need to find a place to talk or write or vent because I am in a very similar situation and because God knows that I don't know everything. I still have so many questions....even though we are in the process of healing and recovery. Finding this website and all of the information contained in it was a wonerful help to me. When I found out, I felt so empty and lost and didn't know where to turn. I confided in one friend, who has been wonderful, but I needed to understand. I never thought that I would be in this situation. You asked if you should be planning to live on your own by the end of the year...that's a question that you need to ask your H.

The most difficult thing was to hold myself together and go to work everyday and not let the kids know. It was a good idea for you to share with your boss that you are facing some struggles. Hopefully she will be compassionate and understand.

Tami, I hope that you have been aable to find some peace of mind and enjoy your holiday. Take care.
SS

Well,

I guess I am too late. He has suggested we separate. He's definitely not having an affair. I know that for a fact. I can account for all of his wherabouts, and most of the time, he's with me if he's not working.

He claims he feels "dead" inside, and he thinks that is one of the problems. He says we have grown apart. Which I feel differently. I feel that everything we have been through together, has made us closer. But now I see he must have been pretending to make me feel better.

All I know, is I feel lost right now. I am having to quit my job, because my closest family is 5 states away. And upheave my life as I know it. Leave my husbands family behind (which kills me because I love them all).

I know when I get to PA, I am going to see a doctor, because I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I have lost over 10 lbs in a week, and I have been throwing up every day.

I feel like someome just told me that my husband died in a car crash...

I think what I need, is friends, and lots of them.

Tami,
I am so sorry. I know how devastated you are right now. Does he want you to move back to PA? Is he interested in counseling? One of the things that was helpful for us was the Emotional Needs survey (on this website) to have some level of understanding about what needs were not being met.

Talk with a doctor to give you something to take the edge off and help you to sleep. As far as the sickening feeling and emptiness you feel inside, only time will heal. When I went through my situation, I, too, lost a great deal of weight. Then I yo-yo'd up and put on a great deal of weight. Now I am back to normal. Just know that what you are feeling is normal. I will keep you in my prayers. I pray that you feel the comfort and protection of Christ's arms around you. With His grace and love, you will survive.

Take care.
SS

Thank you for your kind words. I am devastated.

He did tell me that I didn't have to go back to PA, but I can stay in the apartment and he would leave. Although it was a kind gesture, I don't think I can stay, and be surrounded by memories, knowing that he's not that far away. Plus, I don't want to just bump into him and pretend that everything is okay.

I guess if we are going to distance ourselves, then I truly need the distance.

I don't know what else to do.

Tami,

I'm not good at giving advices. I'm in your same situation right now, but I sympathise with you.

My relationship is only 5 years old and I've been told its over 7 days ago!! Nothwithstanding I'm not ready to give up even though my fiancee is saying she doesn't love me anymore. She didn't cheat on me, she doesn't intend to start a new life with anybody else.. she just feels I killed her emotions by not fulfilling her basic needs (if only i knew of this site earlier)

5 years are a lot for me. There were the really good times and there were the bad times. But I love her so much that nothing in the world will keep me back from at least trying to save my relationship.

Talk with others and see if perserverance should be something you should consider.

Don't take my words for de facto. I'm in no state of giving good advice at the moment.. to be honest I'm the one needing advice but I wanted to put in my thoughts for your consideration. Maybe they might help.

I'll keep you in my prayers even though they haven't helped me much lately.

Ron.