Help! I am so confused - scared, hurt, mad, etc.

I guess I will start with the discovery, sort of… A friend at work had invited my wife and I to a club he and his wife frequented. We were going to go for Wife’s Birthday April 15, 2006. On April 13, wife and I were discussing when she states “I heard it was a swingers’ club.” I asked who told her that. She stated “Someone at work.” I asked who. She said she didn’t remember, but I could tell she did, so I pressed. Finally she said “This guy named Randy.” Since I used to work at the same place, I asked her if he worked there when I did and she said no. I asked what department he worked in and she said he was a guest (customer). I asked what kind of conversation she was having involving a guest that would cause such a topic to come up and why would she have such a conversation at work. Then she stated he may have told her on the phone.

I will now explain that this “interrogation” type of discussion was the only way I ever found out ANYTHING. The only way she would tell me anything was as a result of a direct question. In each discussion, she would assert “Now you know everything.” Then, of course, other direct questions and answers would prove that I did NOT know everything. Often she would flat out lie about details, etc. for several days, then admit the truth about a specific detail. Now, I will continue without all the “I asked”, “she said” remarks to keep this shorter.

I started researching cell phone records, asking more questions, etc. I find that she has been having very long cell phone conversations with a series of 4 men since November 2005.
She admits on the 14th that she has met Randy outside of work one time and they went gambling. Nothing else happened.
On the 15th (her birthday) she finally breaks down and admits that she met David (a co-worker) in a Wal-Mart parking lot and ended up giving him oral sex and swallowing in his truck parked in the parking lot.
Over the course of the next two months, through questions, I find out a LOT of details of her past that I was completely unaware of. She admits to showing VERY private pictures of herself that I took many years ago to David. She admits to meeting with David outside of work 3 other times, once with our 3yo son in our truck, but nothing happened that time. Of course, she later admits to giving David a hand-job at that meeting, but he was in his own truck, she was in the doorway, and our son was a few feet away in the driver’s seat of our truck. She admits to having had an affair 8 years ago with a coworker. She claims that nothing further than oral sex ever happened in either affair. She admits to deciding to have intercourse with another of the 4 men she had phone conversations with, but they could not arrange a time and place. IMO she had emotional affairs with all 4 of these men and both EA and PA with one of them and the man 8 years ago.

Now, a little background – we were high school sweethearts and each other’s first sexual partners. While I was stationed in Korea in 1993, I called home one night and a man’s voice answered our phone. I accused wife of having an affair then which she denied (and I have come to the conclusion she was telling the truth), but I responded by having sex with a prostitute. I confessed to wife when I came home on leave approximately 1 month later. Unfortunately, I didn’t confess to having sex with prostitutes other times during that tour in Korea. Wife returned to Korea with me after leave and she believes that I had sex with prostitutes after she was in country with me. I honestly don’t remember! I admitted that she was probably right after she admitted in April of this year about her affairs.

My wife has left that job and agreed to NC with OM.
My wife then confided in a former coworker about the affair. This coworker was a friend of OMW and told her about the affair. OM called my wife wanting her to tell his wife that nothing ever happened. She refused and then OMW got on the phone and asked questions to confirm truth of affair.
We started marriage counseling 2 months ago with a pastor.
In agreement, we have exposed affairs to several members of her family and mine.

All of these seem to be positive steps, but I am still beating myself up for not meeting her emotional needs before, being blind and stupid enough to believe her for all these years when she claimed there was never anyone else, and I have continued to bring up the past in conversations with her and asking questions even though I KNOW I don’t want any further details (I have too many issues trying to deal with the details I already have!). What is WRONG with me? Why can’t I just move forward and work on building a great marriage instead of the apparent farce we had before?

BS (me) : 38 yo
FWW: 36 yo
married 19 yrs
dday Apr 15 '06
latest affair started Oct '05
3 sons - 18 yrs, 16 yrs, 3 yrs

Wow. It sounds like your wife needs some counseling - from a doctor. There is something wrong inside a woman who is so promiscuous. Does she have family of origin issues?

Actually they both sound pretty screwed up to me. Prostitutes? I think you both need some IC as well as MC to sort through this mess. You are both Wayward - not just your wife.

SIS,

What marriage model were you following before discovering her affairs? Look at what you expected marriage to be...really, and then see the model as a farce, not the marriage.

You need to stop beating yourself up for causing her affairs...you didn't...nor did she cause you to begin going to prostitutes overseas...know that you chose what you did and so did she.

What you know now...her ENs, yours and how vital they are to your marriage, is what matters. Stay present and focused...work on yourself to be safe, act not react, and know that you have a habit of beating yourself up, and that habit is comforting...gives you a false feeling of power...if you are the cause, you can be the cure.

You only control you, SIS...a fact of all humankind...changing that belief inside yourself changes everything.

Counseling with your pastor is great...adding individual counseling (IC) for each of you would be of great benefit. Takes a lot for you to know why you did what you did, why you chose...what permissions you've given yourself and how to revoke those...to live honestly, in freedom and real responsibility...and love.

You can do this. You are not alone. When I first came here, I was told I had made a real emotional soup...and I had. Believe these posters are being true to you...not fulfilling your expectation for condemnation...be open. Living honestly seems to be your biggest EN...practice here, as you have begun, true to yourself and your marriage.

LA

Believer, Thanks for your response. Yes, I know her to have family issues. Her father left her and her mother when she was only 2 years old and she didn't even meet him (her biological father) until long after we were married (she was 21). Her mother was 16 years old when she was born and lived with and/or married many men while she was growing up, 2 of whom sexually molested her - one physically and one mentally. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of any of this abuse until after I knew of her affairs. Thankfully, she has agreed to IC and has an appointment this Friday. Please pray for good progress. She still carries guilt over things in her childhood that she had no real control over.

Thank you LovingAnyway! I know the model for my marriage was lousy. My parents had a bitter divorce when I was 3, her father left them when she was 2, so the only thing we really knew about marriage when we got married (WAY too young) was that divorce was a HORRIBLE thing and we wanted no part of it. I think we are bothing STARTING to learn what a marriage really is and how much work it takes (VERY sad to have to admit after being married almost 19 years and having 3 children!!). We have a LONG way to go and a LOT to learn, but I trust that we can get there with God's help and the help of friends like those on this board.

Thank you for your insight into the false sense of power I have been giving myself. I think you are saying that while I need to realize that I did contribute to an environment that allowed an affair, her decision was hers alone, and that my decision to react the way I did in Korea was mine alone. Most importantly, all I can do is control my own actions, do my best to create a loving environment that meets her ENs, and pray. Am I correct?

As I explained in my last response, she is getting IC and I am hoping to get some as well.

Your prayers and support are VERY much appreciated.