I haven't posted in a while. A lot has happened, and I have been very busy. I still have good days and bad days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> While I feel much stronger in general <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, when I am having a bad day, it still hurts and WH continues to break my heart whether intentionally or not. Here is my update -

Since WH's first approach in early March that he wants to come home, I have been careful not to bring up my hopes high, as I do not feel WH is quite "there" yet. Or he may never get there. That is what I am trying to figure out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

After his apartment lease expired in April, he stopped talking about reconciliation altogether, as expected. So I took that as a sign he AGAIN tried to take advantage of me and only wanted to come home for mostly financial reasons. Well, he then mentioned MC again sometime in May. So I followed up. I just brought it up one day. Then finally he set up a MC appointment and in June we had 4 weekly sessions. It took him good three months before finally he put his actions together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I must say he is still in the "fog". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> The first question the therapist asked was "why we are here, what we are trying to accomplish". To which, he answered "I feel stuck". There were no other explanations such as his arrests, addictions, our separation or his filing for D. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He tried to downplay his personal issues and to separate his personal issues from our marriage. So I explained what had happened over the past two years. The therapist thanked us since (obviously) the background information would help her understand the situation. Well, the following week, WH claimed "all what Milk did during the first session was to say how messed up I am and how I 'used' her". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I was puzzled, as that is not what I said. Even the therapist said to him "WH, that is not what I heard. I do not think that is what Milk said". There have been so many incidents that indicate his perceptions and interpretations are so greatly different from mine! No wonder we have issues! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Long story short, basically I told her my biggest problem with WH is the "trust" issue. He has always lied to me, and still continues to do so. He also makes a lot of empty promises, which to me are equally bad as "lies". He, on the other hand, does not consider ‘lying’ or ‘empty promises’ a big deal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> And in his mind, I am just making a BIG DEAL out of nothing. How can we ever build any type of relationship if he does not think lying is a big deal? Trust is extremely important to me", to which the therapist agreed.

So the therapist told him to think about my needs - to be honest and responsible. She said "are you willing to try to meet her needs? How much are you willing to do so? Or would you say 'heck no, I will always lie to her and I am not going to stop that', because if that is how you feel, you should tell her so that Milk can make decisions based on that and may not want to be in that kind of relationship".

Tonight I was supposed to go out with my friends and DS3 to see the Independent Day’s Eve fireworks. When I mentioned this to WH about a week ago, he said he wanted to join. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> I was not prepared for this, and told him that there will be other people, thinking that might make him feel uncomfortable. He still said he would not mind that and wants to come. So we were planning on going all together. Then this morning he called and said he won’t go. There is no good reason for the change of his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> What is going on? Why do I keep raising my hopes thinking "maybe" this time things could be different and WH may be a bit more responsible? He keeps breaking my heart. He keeps breaking DS3's heart too. Why did I fall in love with him in the first place?

Obviously, today is one of those "bad days" for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Milk

I am just not having a good day. I am still worried about my job situation. I spoke with my boss today and I just picked this in his voice - that he is not completely happy. I did get positive feedback from him twice but I'm not too sure what he is up to. I really, really need to secure my job in order to support DS3. Please pray for me. I should be speaking with him this week or next week about my performance and IF I even have my future in this company. I'm scared.

Hey, Milk - please check out the "Passive/Aggressive Spouse" link in my sig line. It may open your eyes. It sure opened mine.

Good luck -
Mulan

Hi Milkshake,

It sucks, donnit?

Not so unusual behavior for a fog-bound passive aggressive person. I don't think he's really ready for therapy or for reconciliation.

My H agreed to go to counseling alone when we were in our 12 month long MC. At a later session, right at the end when we were walking out the door, I mentioned it in passing, that since I would be out of town the next week, the counselor would see WH alone. H immediately spoke up, saying "I never agreed to come alone!" -

He didn't actively participate, didn't really listen to the therapist, "forgot" to do the homework assignments, misread the homework guidelines. If he isn't into it, you can't expect anything from him. He will say he wants to reconcile, but when it comes to taking the steps, he won't.

Can you hire a marriage coach? Your H needs to WANT you, WANT your marriage, enough to fight for it rather than be hand held and spoon fed. I don't think he's at that point.